I’m going to be real with you…..
A few days before I left to go on the trip, I was having some serious spiritual warfare. I didn’t even want to admit it, but one of my best friends called me out and said, “I can tell you are having spiritual warfare…” Just like that, like recognizing how tired a runner is after completing a marathon, the remnants of spiritual warfare was apparently noticeable to those close to me. The truth is, I’m going to be real with you…..
For six years of my life, ages 18 to 24, I was addicted to diet pills. There I said it. Presented to you, one of my deepest scars – exposed. I had consistently mastered the art of impression management while masking a deep and underlying, intense fear of not being enough. The feeling of not being enough often leads one to jump to the opposite extreme which is being everything to everyone all the time. (Also fondly known as, overcompensating) Sound exhausted yet? I sure was.
You name it, I took it. If people asked what kind of pills I was taking, I simply would say, “vitamins”. My senior year of college I was slamming back 6 diet pills a day, carefully timed 2 hours apart. My entire day revolved around when I would take these diet pills, and if I’d go somewhere and forget them – I’d insist on going home to get them, I couldn't go without them. Afterall, I had convinced myself if I did not take them, I would gain weight. Period. And what girl wants to gain weight? Surely you realize that society today tells us, if a girl gains weight, nobody will want her. I believed that lie for an incredibly long time.
Sitting in a cotton green and white gown, freezing cold, shaking, and an intense heart rate to match while tears streamed down my face in a sterile emergency room hospital bed is where I found myself 6 months after I turned 24 years old. My body could not keep up with the physical and emotional stress of diet pills any longer. The exuberant amount of caffeine found in these pills had done a number on my system, and my body was officially protesting. A procession of events leading up to this “rock bottom” place had assisted in getting me to an official place of brokenness. I was under intense stress, a failed long term relationship (which I had been lead to believe would result in marriage), all kinds of career stress, failing health due to excessive use of dieting, and why? Because I was terrified of not being enough. Not being smart enough. Not being pretty enough. Not being athletic enough. Not being enough. (even as I write this, I have to think long and hard what that felt like as God has moved me such a long way from the place I once was)
God taught me a huge lesson in that place of brokenness right there in that emergency room. He taught me that ultimate peace, ultimately being enough is only found in Him. My identity and worth could no longer be found in my physical appearance, my education, my athleticism (afterall I had accomplished being a World Cup athlete at the age of 20 – again striving to prove that I’m enough), my independence, or even my family. Even more importantly, I did not have to find who I was in a man, or even the attention one receives from a man. My worth and identity comes only from a perfect man, Jesus Christ. He knows me better than I know myself. This lesson was not an easy one, in fact, it was quite difficult – but when you are truly broken, you are open to letting God mold your life like clay to become who He wants you to be. Thankfully!
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! – 2 Corinthians 5:17, NIV
Fast forward……a few days before the Syria trip, I was battling the feelings of not being enough. I learned throughout my recovery time, any kind of eating disorder is a secondary problem. The root of the issue usually stems from somewhere else. So, as I was packing for the trip battling some spiritual warfare I had from long ago, I decided to pack a daily devotional I have called, “Beyond the Looking Glass” – which is a devotional for patients in recovery from anorexia and bulimia. While on the trip, one of the girls on the trip saw it and we discussed it briefly. In that moment, I was reminded of how far God has brought me. And God continues to take me even further, each day He shows me more of who I am in Him, and Him alone.
The next day our team devotional was on “fruit of the spirit” from Galatians 5.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. – Galatians 5:22-26, NIV
I sat and listened, read with the team through the verses, and even contributed to the discussion we had on fruit of the spirit. Later that day, we were playing with the Iraqi children in a park for field day. I had brought two bags of Starburst candy (who doesn’t love Starbursts!?) for the kids. One bag I had in my possession to give out candies to kids who answered questions or had good behavior. As we were wrapping up the day, I noticed one bag was missing. I found it at the bottom of our big bag, opened and mostly empty. In all honesty, it was not a big deal at all, it was $2 bag of Starbursts, hardly anything to get bitter about. When I noticed the candy missing, I said to the surrounding team members, “hey! Where did the Starbursts go?!” (with a slight pout) One of our team members had chimed in with the response, “hey Kristina, fruit of the Spirit!” – which was meant jokingly as a reminder, and I admit I even chuckled. Truth of the matter is, that answer really stuck with me. I needed to hear that, not about the case of the missing Starburst, but about letting the fruit of the Spirit permeate our lives – even in the small places.
That team member, I’m sure has no clue that such a small comment made an impact on me. God had opened my eyes to understanding that finding identity, approval and worth from Him is not where the journey ends, in fact, one can argue that is where it begins. Living out the fruit of the Spirit is a daily challenge, but it is also one that is so worth it. Why? Because living out the fruit of the Spirit ultimately shows others who He is, and even shows who He is in you. This revelation convicted me in a large way. I want the fruit of the Spirit to exude in ALL that I do because I desperately want people to see Him in me, so they will come to know who God is as I live in the center of His will. Finding my identity and worth in Christ helps tremendously in living out the fruit of the Spirit, however, the Starburst comment placed a deep desire in my heart to be wholeheartedly intentional about living out the fruit of the Spirit – and not just accepting it as a side affect to who I am in Christ.
This call is one that challenges my flesh in a huge way. Think about it: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Wow. This also says to me, letting go of bitterness, letting your heart be softened, stripping yourself of pride, letting go of being defensive, allowing God to convict you, forgiving those who do not ask for forgiveness, giving grace, loving the unlovable, being intentional, taking every thought captive, being self-aware, and dropping your desires to take up God’s desires. Huge.
Do you live out the fruit of the Spirit? If so, how? What are you doing in your life that makes you so sure people see fruit of the Spirit from you?
The good news, my friends, is that you can ask God. I encourage you to ask Him how to live out good fruit. I know you can do it, I have faith in Him who is in you. Let His love transform your heart; seek Him for who you are, let your identity and worth be lost in Him. I realize these are not easy transformations, but I promise you it is more than worth it.
I am praying for you!<><
Kay
Thank you for sharing your heart! It takes boldness :)
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