Love Will Hold Us Together

Ironically, we are weathering a storm here in Washington, DC.  Hurricane Sandy is making landfall as we speak, with loads of wind and rain pelting the windows and the entire city is shutdown.  Perhaps we're all weathering some kind of storm, but the good news is that no storm lasts a lifetime.  Jesus sometimes calms the storm, or sometimes He let's the storm rage and calms His child.  I've often thought about how this whole new journey must be for my parents, for my close friends, for my co-workers.  How did it all start?  How did we get here? 

There are plenty of different opinions about this, and I'm certainly no doctor - (and if you are one, pleas feel free to chime in!) but I've been hearing lately as to how steroids can knock your immunity down and make the human body more of a prime target for developing tumors.  (I've also heard about this on my online cancer support network, more on that later)  Back in February, a girlfriend and I went to Ireland for my 30th birthday and I wound up getting very sick with pneumonia....for the third time in my life.  Now, when you get pneumonia, you are more likely to get it again, and I knew that they'd put me on steroids.  So sure enough, it got bad enough that the day we were supposed to go see the Blarney Stone, we had to go to an Irish hospital instead.  The doctor gave me a prescription for steroids for my lungs, as my right lung "sounded like a mess."  It was enough to get me back to the U.S. safely.  About a month later, I noticed a small skin-colored bump show up on my upper left arm.  At first I thought it was simply a skin-blemish, and it would go away in a week.  It did not.

Over time I thought the bump was just a wart, and it proceeded to grow with no coloring or weird shape.  I had a cold in June and decided to go to the doctor for cold medicine.  Those of you who know me, know that it was a blessing to simply have health insurance to be able to go to the doctor as the entire time I was working at the church (1.5 years) I did not have health insurance. God certainly knew what He was doing, and knew how to prepare me to walk through this trial.  Anyhow, while I was in there for my cold, I had the doctor look at the small bump.  She didn't seem to think it was anything, thought about freezing it off, but decided we should "biopsy it to  be on the safe side."  Long story short, I eventually went to have the biopsy done in mid-September.  I didn't tell anyone, not because I was trying to be private, but because I truly thought it was nothing.  Six days later, I found out it was not nothing.  It was cancer. 

I cried, and immediately prayed for my spiritual health.  You see, prayers for physical health are important, but prayers for my relationship with Christ are far more important.  I could be as healthy as can be, but still be in a very tough spot with God - and I did not want to be there.  So, I wanted to be as spiritually healthy as can be, and let God workout my physical health as He saw fit.  Our quality of life, in my opinion, is directly related to our relationship with Christ (our spiritual health), not as much our physical health - at least, that is what I'm learning as I go along.

One of my favorite Christian songs is Matt Maher's "Hold Us Together" and in it, he says this:

And love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone

In the moments that proceeded that life changing phone call, I had to tell family, friends, bosses, etc.  Three of my longtime closest girlfriends cried, and shortly thereafter prayed with me on the phone.  My parents were completely shocked, my Mom was choking back tears with an edge of panic.  I think at that point I was still wondering if this was really happening, I mean, the doctor would call back and say it was a mistake right?  Or I have that one random kind of cancer that's not a big deal, right?  No, that didn't happen, it was real, and I had to embrace the journey laid before me. 

I thought, I'm sure when my parents brought me home from the hospital when I was born, wrapped in a crocheted pink, green, and white blanket made by my grandma, they had no idea they'd be watching their "little" girl wheeled back into cancer surgery under a hospital blanket years later.  I'm sure as they saw me take my first steps and heard my first words, they were not thinking they'd be receiving a phone call on September 25, 2012  to hear the words, "I have cancer."  I'm sure as they saw me off to my very first day of school in 1st grade, with high hopes for their only daughter, there was no thought that they'd be seeing me off to surgeries to take away cancerous tumors at my age.  Even when I graduated high school, I'm sure they did not think in a million years that they'd be asking about my PET/CT and biopsy test results from a number of choice oncology doctors. 

 

The truth is, we never know what may show up on our journey.  We never know when the people we meet or have relationships with will be faced with a challenging trial, but God does.  Each day is a gift.  It is the people who stick by us, to weather the storm that display God's love to us.  God is love.  He is our shelter, and with only Him the whole world will know that I am not alone - He just decides to use everyone else as His hands and feet for incredible undeserved blessings that I will never forget.  We can be rest assured that God is passionately in the business in giving us more than we can handle, because it is there that we realize we desperately need Him and not our own strength.   Nothing else can save us.  I would love nothing more than to know (this side of Heaven or not) that God is using this all for His glory, and to bring people to Himself somehow.  I'm not a parent, but I can imagine when we hug our children, we love them and want the absolute best for them.  God wants that for us too, but our "best" and His best are often at odds.  For me, I want God's best, and I recognize sometimes that by having cancer God can make me more like Himself.  I worry about things significantly less than I did a year ago, I've learned to trust God with my life.  It's always a process, and thankfully one that is not completed until He's ready to call us home.  As for now, I'm so thankful to have another day with my parents, another day with my girlfriends, another day with my co-workers and loved ones, another day with my church family, and just another day to be allowed to be God's servant. 

 

...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  - Philippians 1:6, NIV



PET/CT Scans, Surgery, Interferon - Oh My!

It has been an eventful few days!  First, the good news:  My PET/CT scans came back clear! Praise THE Lord!!!  This means the cancer has NOT metastasized to major organs in my body (liver, lungs, brain, etc.), which means my diagnosis will NOT be re-staged as a stage 4 case.  So, stage 3 is now my official stage - basically, that means the cancer is not poised to get any worse as of right now.  This is extremely great news!  The chances of me living through this whole ordeal has dramatically increased.  There is a very, very small chance that microscopic cancer cells have been transmitted out of my transitory lymph nodes (small nodes attached to your lymph nodes) and can attach to major organs in weeks to come, but I will be having more PET/CT scans as treatment continues to monitor the situation.  But basically this means it is all under the immediate eye of the doctors, so cancer has a very small chance of progressing any further.

Next step is an extensive surgery on November 9th at 11 am to remove all my lymph nodes at the cancer site (upper left arm).  As it as explained to me, there is a "bird nest" sized clump of tissue in your arm pit that holds a number of lymph nodes.  The oncological surgeon will go in during the lymph node dissection surgery and remove the ENTIRE clump of tissue with lymph nodes.  They will send the clump of lymph nodes off to a lab where they will pour some kind of dye on it and pick out the lymph nodes, and test each one for cancer.  They could end up removing up to 25 lymph nodes, but we won't know until after surgery.  I won't receive the results (aka pathology report) from the surgery for about 7-10 days.  The surgery takes about 90 minutes to 2 hours, and I will be completely under general anesthesia with a breathing tube to help me breathe throughout the surgery.  I'll be stuck at home for a while, and my sweet friends here in DC have put together a meal registry for me to make sure I have meals (since I won't be going anywhere!).  I truly feel SO blessed by their willingness to serve me in this way!  I can't even begin to describe the blessings by many - family, friends, co-workers.....God's hands of kindness have literally come down in the form of so many around me, it truly has me humbled beyond words and feeling so undeserving of such special treatment.  I know it isn't because of me, but because of who He is.

I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. - Philemon 1:6, NIV

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:19, NIV

I still have a long road ahead, and I'm aware of this.  About 6 weeks after my next surgery, I will be starting high dose Interferon as the immunotherapy phase of my treatment.  My oncologist recommended the one year, high dose option even though it is very strong with extremely intense side effects - it would only be for one year.  The worst part is the first four weeks, in which I have to go to the Infusion Center at the Cancer Institute everyday for four weeks straight for rounds of injections and each round of injections takes 2-3 hours to administer.  I guess you could say I'm not looking forward to it, that's a lot of time at the hospital and majorly cuts into my life in general.  The side effects are "flu-like" symptoms, although most patients have told me its really flu-like symptoms times 10.  So we're looking at a mix of fevers, chills, weakness, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, night sweats, and unfortunately, depression.  I'm actually kind of nervous about starting Interferon injections, some patients seem to say they actually prefer chemotherapy (and I might be right there with them - losing my hair sounds less painful compared to the list of side effects from Interferon!).  However, I will fortunately not have to face chemo now that my final stage has stopped at stage 3.  After the first four weeks of high dose Interferon, they will cut the dose in half and then I'll have injections only three times per week for the next 11 months (I think....my mind kind of went blurry after the whole "four week" explanation, digesting all that at once is a lot).

There will be days treatment will be awful, I'm sure I'll have emotional days and "healthy" days.  And I still desperately need prayers to get through it all.  I sometimes get a little scared my friends/family will "forget" about me once I start trying to return to "normal life" and I'm reminded of my desperate need for God and His comfort.  He is what satisfies the soul, there is NO substitute for Jesus.

In some ways it is still all kind of surreal, only five weeks ago and none of this was even close to being on my radar.  You really do never know what tomorrow may bring.  I find myself complaining a lot less, trying to laugh a lot more, cherishing the people who have made the effort to walk with me and pray for me through this (believe me, I read every email, every card, and every FB post - I'm often moved to tears by the kindness from people), making more time to get with God - He is my lifeline,  trying to eat healthier, enjoy simple joys a little more, make less of a deal out of everyday life annoyances, and just embrace the life God has for me.  I notice myself giving more grace, making more time for phone calls instead of text messages or email, getting excited about new pajamas (hey, small, but when you are in them a lot after surgery, it's a great blessing!), praying for others a lot more, thanking God a lot more, and less afraid to talk to others about Jesus.  In short, its probably very similar to how I feel when I come home from the mission field - maybe because it's all the same mission.  Love God.  And we can't truly love God without loving people.  Everything else just seems so much smaller.

November 9th - Surgery #2

Anything the surgeon says, is what goes - or so I'm learning.  Today the oncological surgeon gave me a call regarding my next surgery.  I have to say, she has a ton of patience!  Evidently, my case had become a little administratively disorganized....she said my oncologist should have scheduled an appointment for her to go over my pathology in person so I wouldn't have had to find out I was stage 3A over the phone.  But now hopefully we're all back on track, and my next surgery will be what they call a Lymph Node Dissection.  The surgery has been scheduled for Friday November 9th, not sure what time yet.  The surgery will be extensive, more extensive than the last surgery.  They plan on removing more lymph nodes, not super sure from where exactly just yet but I'd imagine in the same region as the last incision.  The will be attaching tubes to the incision at the end of the surgery as drains to drain excess blood as the incision heals.  I will have to be hooked up to the drains for 7-10 days....as you can imagine, this may complicate coordinating outfits!  I was also instructed to take a week off of work, sigh.  Thing is, I actually do love my job!

Separate from the upcoming surgery are the two scans I have on Thursday at 1:30 pm to see if cancer has spread to other organs in my body.  One is a PET scan and the other is a CT scan.  So apparently sugar can kill a cancer patient?!  Who knew.  I was instructed to not eat ANY form of sugar the morning of the PET scan including fruit, milk, wine, breads, pastas, sweets of any kind, gum, etc.  This is because cancer feeds off of sugar!  Yep, sugar is what cancer needs to eat, grow, and spread.  So, eating cakes, cookies, cupcakes, wine, and ice cream is like a death wish for a cancer patient.  I had no idea until they explained the scans to me last week.  You see, just before the PET scan, they inject me with radioactive sugar dye and wait an hour for it to travel throughout my body.  Then they run you through some kind of screen and they see where ever on your body that the "sugar" is collected, is where there are cancer cells - using the sugar to feed and grow.  Evidently when you have cancer, sugar will immediately get picked up by cancer cells because that is what cancer cells need to survive.  Crazy, huh!?  So, needless to say, I have to stay away from that stuff for a while (MAJOR bummer because for one - it's the holidays!  ...and two, I love sweets!).  

This past Saturday, I received a postcard from the Tim Tebow Foundation!!!  Yes! I was so excited!  Not everyday you get a postcard from them to tell you they are praying for you!  They mentioned they have been reading this blog also, and I was so humbled!  God is so good!  I pray He continues to use this entire experience for His glory alone.  Not sure if Timmy himself was behind it, but some say it looks like guy handwriting, haha, so who knows?!  I'm just so grateful to know brothers and sisters in Christ are seeking God for Him to bring glory out of this!

I'm learning to take it easy, which has not been super easy to learn.  I want to go and see and do things, I really do, especially with friends.  But the truth is, my energy is very limited and I still have side effects from pain meds.  I still have loads of bruises and scabs from where I was poked with IVs, injections, or various wires and tubes.  I hate that it has to be this way and that I can't do what I normally do - not even ride horses (which I LOVE to do), but I have to be kind to my body.  Sounds boring, I know.  Please pray that I will not be a "people pleaser" and will be better at saying "no" to activities beyond my strength.  Friends and family will need to understand that in this season, I have to have limits.  I'm not able to go out for wine, or fro-yo, but can go out for a dinner, or bible study most of the time.  Basically, I have to pay attention to when I get tired or don't feel well.  I'll usually just "push through" when those times come, but now I have to be more measured.

I can tell you that through messages of encouragement, scripture, home visits, prayer, phone calls, texts, and emails (and more!) I have been so incredibly blessed by people in my life.  It is true, having people speak truth into your life, having people speak the word of God into your life, and also having people just care through compassion, prayer and support is incredibly encouraging.  I can easily see how it urges one on to continue the fight, and to fight cancer hard.  I can also easily see how one who is battling cancer might feel alone....when you hear talk such as, "you'll be recovering for 7-10 days with a drain tube hooked up to your incision" it also creates thoughts such as, "great, I'll be at home the entire time, halfway drugged up on pain meds and the other half stuck at home because of medical equipment attached to me....my friends might find that I'm boring since I can't be as mobile....I'll be forgotten...."  However, this is where I'm quick to remind myself of this:

For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. - Deuteronomy 20:4, NIV

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will NEVER leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. - Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV

While there may be times in our lives when we feel that God is not with us, we can hold fast to these truths.  God's promises are NOT dependent on how we feel, and they are certainly not dependent on our circumstances.  God has made a promise to NEVER leave you, and to fight FOR you.  I'm not alone in this battle.  Even if every person in my life turned around and walked out on me at this very minute, I still would not be alone.  God Himself has promised to be with me.  Everyone else is seriously an amazing, undeserved blessing in my life.  There are times when I am so grateful for God coming to me in the form of family and friends, to be alongside of me, that I'm moved to get down on my knees before the Lord and thank Him for His deep kindness, mercy, and love.  Please know none of it is taken for granted.  While we can certainly not take anything of material value whatsoever into Heaven with us, we can certainly take our relationships with others into His beautiful Home for us.  One day, I hope to see the faces of the same people who have been loving me well through this illness as a part of the celebration party that welcomes them into Heaven (or vice versa years and years from now.... I *will* beat cancer!).

At times, I hear from people I haven't heard from in years....simply to tell me they are praying for me.  At times, I hear from complete strangers to tell me they are praying for me.  Because of the grace of our loving God, and His desire to provide for me, I'm moved beyond words to see His love in action in this way.  To me, you are His hands and His feet.  To me, this is the motivating factor in fighting cancer - His love, given to me through you and the opportunity to be His love to you and others.  Love wins all battles, love never ever fails (1 Corinthians 13:8), just as love won on the Cross that day on Calvary.  

BRAF Genetics Test

I need to give some good news, though perhaps small in the grand scheme of what is going on, it is still a victory.  I received my results from the BRAF genetic test back also.  I'm sure a very limited amount of you actually know what that is, because I sure didn't when I learned about it!  Basically the BRAF genetic test is where a lab takes DNA from my original biopsy to determine if the cancer I have is due to a genetic mutation in my DNA that I will pass on to my children - should I ever have any.  A positive reading would mean that I am a carrier, carrying around a gene in my DNA for malignant melanoma cancer.  Likewise, negative would mean that I am NOT a carrier and my genes do not have the mutation, and furthermore it would also mean that I did NOT receive it from my parents (as you can imagine, testing positive for  BRAF can be very strenuous on the parents of a cancer patient - often times leading to depression or guilt).  So.....

MY KIDS WILL NOT HAVE CANCER!  Yep, I tested negative!  Woot!  Small victory, but I'll take it!

Today I received some flowers from a girlfriend of mine, they are so beautiful!  For those who don't know, I love flowers.  There is just something so natural about them, that God made them and told the rose to unfold keeps me in awe of His presence.  Flowers light up a room, and I'm so grateful for them. I also received a card from a lady I do not know, who told me about how God had put it on her heart to send cards to people.  She lives in a small town and has committed to pray for me daily, and it was so encouraging.  Then I received a small package from a sorority sister of mine who gave me a bracelet that she wore when she had a miscarriage, she said it encouraged her because it had the scripture Philippians 4:13 inscribed on it.  I was beyond honored to receive such a gift!  This morning, I met with a brilliant and talented lady I know through work who is a lymphoma survivor.  She is amazing!  This lady not only loves Jesus, but kept working full-time all through her chemotherapy (and is a Mom of two kids)!  Such an inspiration, and a great encouragement to me.  She blessed me by giving me a cross she received when she was in Jerusalem, Israel (for work under the State Department) that she wore during her treatment.  I was incredibly humbled by such a thoughtful gift.  And tonight, a dear friend came to visit me.  We prayed together, and caught up on old times.  It was such a blessed moment.  Well, I could honestly write for DAYS about how God has been blessing me through people in my life (and there are not enough blog pages for me to tell you how thankful I am for my family, close friends, church, and employer!).  But, while we may want to ask, "why does God let bad things happen?"  Tonight I wondered, "well, why does God let so many good things happen?"  Truth is, He is a gracious and loving God.

It's not easy to admit that I'm a sinner, not sure its easy for any of us.  But for us to grasp how radical God's grace is, and how deep and amazing His love is - even to grasp a fraction of it, we have to be willing to come to grips with how radical of a sinner we are.  Do we even realize what God has saved us from?  All that to say, I'm finding myself just so thankful, so very very thankful.  ALL of it is an undeserved blessing.

I've heard people say, "But you are a good person, why is this happening to YOU?"  To be honest, I'm a sinner.  Just like you.  Just like everyone else.  Who gets to decide who is good, and who is not good?  Certainly we wouldn't leave that up to society, or our own finite minds.  God decides who is good, and to be honest, we all fall short of His glory.  Thankfully, He loves us more than life itself (as He demonstrated on the Cross) and fights for our hearts because we need Him to be any kind of good.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. - Romans 5:6, NIV

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8, NIV

He is truly good.  I've learned that anger or resentment towards God is really when God does not do what we expect Him to do.  We may expect Him to heal us, we may expect Him to give us a new job, we may expect Him to give us a spouse, we may expect Him to give us healthy children, and we may expect Him to never let anything bad happen.  But God cannot be tamed by our prayers.  We do not tell Him what to do, and He does it.  God is not a cosmic Santa Claus.  Thankfully, I've learned that God is a loving Father who gives His children what they need - in ways we can never imagine.  Sometimes it takes years for us to learn what God was really doing was for our good, and His.  Sometimes we just need to trust that we are not God, and He is.  He knows what He is doing.  If He created the universe, certainly He is orchestrating our lives for all beauty and glory.  However, God DOES hear our cries as the bible says all throughout.  As a Father loves His children, He hears us and wipes our tears, holds our hearts, holds our hands, and answers us in bigger, better ways far more than we can imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

Tomorrow is another day.  It's another day in the battle.  My battle is focusing on God, and staying in the present.  I have to fight the "what ifs" that want to creep in, and fight the fears sparked by seeing "End of Life Care" brochures at the Cancer Care Center in the hospitality room.  I'm challenged more now than ever to not only suffer well for God's glory, but to also love well for God's glory.  Fear is not from God, anxiety is not from God - and sometimes it takes embracing those fears and anxieties to simply work through them for peace and greater wisdom that we ask for from God.  I'm thankful for you - who reads this - and so grateful for everyone who labors this journey with me, and words cannot say how grateful I am for your prayers.  For asking God, for seeking Him on my behalf, as I've said, is the most loving thing someone can do.  All the little things, the "little blessings" are actually very big blessings to me! Blessed with another day....

Stage 3

There are good days, and there are bad days.  Today maybe wasn't such a good day.  I've been recovering from surgery and the sutures hurt a lot, and I've been taking pain medication as needed.  The sutures are supposed to come out on October 24th at 1:30 pm, and I cannot wait, it will be so great!  However, today I received the results of the surgery and lymph node biopsy.  My oncologist gave me a call, and I knew.  You see, when you are a cancer patient, you talk to the hospital pretty much every day, some times multiple times per day.  My nurse had called earlier about my genetics results and said the oncologist was out of the office today.  So when the oncologist actually called me, I knew it was unusual for him to be making the call.  If it was better news, they'd most likely send a resident or someone more junior to give the news.  I braced myself to receive news as to just how bad it might be.  In short, the cancer has indeed spread to my lymph nodes and my cancer has now progressed to stage 3, at stage 3A to be exact.

I swallowed my tears, took a deep breath and tried to focus, I had to ask questions.  "So what's next?" I muttered.  The cancer was found in one of three of my lymph nodes, so the next step is a PET scan and a CT scan.  Both of these scans will tell us if the cancer has reached other organs in my body.  If the cancer has reached other organs in my body, then the cancer will progress to stage 4 and options become limited.  The PET scan will require me to fast from food the morning of the test, as both scans will be on October 25th at 1:30 pm.  The CT scan involves radiation, and so I'll find myself back in Nuclear Medicine with the radioactive dye, again.  Those injections hurt, a lot. A lot.

The news also means another surgery, called a lymph node dissection.  In other words, they have to go back in and remove more lymph nodes to determine if more lymph nodes have been impacted.  This surgery seemed promising, as the oncologist said 1 out of 4 patients have additional impacted lymph nodes.  Due to the size of the tumor I had, I'm truly not sure what to expect from this surgery.

I let my employer know, and I'm incredibly grateful for their support and compassion.  The people I work with are an incredible blessing, and they expressed their desire for me to be healthy and they were so sorry I was having to weather this trial.  God is so good to have blessed me with such an awesome work place!

As a confession, sure there are some moments of fear tempting me from today.  The cancer has become more serious, and in the back of my mind I know chemotherapy remains a strong option if it gets any worse.  Chemotherapy is very hard on a person's body, so we are trying to avoid that completely at the moment.  If I don't have to do it, we don't want to do go there.  At stage 3a, I will have to do immunotherapy for the next year.  In other words, I'll be on a drug of the doctor's choice (and my choice too) to boost my immune system to fight the cancer for the next year.  The first option is Interferon, the second option (and the one I'm leaning towards) is Pegylatnd, and the last resort in immunotherapy if the cancer is stage 3b or c will be Ipilimuma.  Don't ask me how to pronounce any of those, haha!

My focus on Christ has tightened, and its true, having the support of family and friends makes a massive difference in the ability to stay strong and stay determined in the fight.  God truly uses each person in my life to as His hands and feet to love me, show me compassion, and reveal His kindness.  He is truly so trustworthy, and works EVERY little thing for our good and His.  Sure, I have a lot of hopes and dreams.  I'd love to get married someday, I'd love to have children, I'd love to be able to buy a house, but I realize those are not all up to me, they are up to God.  The verse that comes to mind tonight as I settle in for what I hope to be a peaceful sleep is:

I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:10-13, NIV

All we need is Jesus Christ.  It's easy to say, easier to sing on Sunday, but I'm finding this to be more and more true with each day that passes.  I've found there are loads of people out there that will give lots of their own free medical advice or are quick to tell me "how to diet my way to curing cancer" but what I need most is Jesus.  At times, it can be difficult to answer the question, "what do you need?" or "how can I help?" because I truly don't know the answer to those questions most of the time.  Beyond Jesus, I'm not really sure what I need.  I've learned that this is really ok.  The thing is, all of these people want to encourage in the ways they know how, and I love them dearly for it.  God has given us grace beyond what we deserve, and I pray I live my life caught in His graciousness for the sake of His glory.

Your prayers are more than appreciated, they are being lifted to the Holy Most High God!  I'm so blessed, beyond words, to know that people are seeking Him on my behalf.  For people to take the time to seek God, for me, a mere servant in His grand kingdom, is so humbling.  For people to take the time to even want to pray with me, its the most spiritually intimate exchange we can have this side of heaven - a conversation with a Holy God in all of our spiritual vulnerability.  He is madly in love with us, and my heart is for Him.  I'm not even sure there is an appropriate way to say....thank you!  

Post Surgery

First of all, it is impossible to look cute in the "outfits" the hospital gives you for surgery!  The baby blue shower cap just isn't my style, ha!  Anyhow, I survived.  Yesterday was a very long day, I checked in for surgery at 9:45 AM and wasn't able to leave the hospital until 8 PM at night.  The first stop was Nuclear Medicine for testing on my lymph nodes.  They had to inject me with radioactive dye, then put me through a huge MRI-looking machine to find my lymph nodes.  When they inject you with this dye, they say it hurts like a bee sting.  What they don't tell you is that it feels like a the sting of a thousand bees.  As I looked up at the ceiling going into scan machine, I was praying.  Honestly, I was praying mostly for other people, for people who I know need to see how much Jesus loves them.  I also just asked for God to be glorified through my own experience.  When they were done, I asked the nurse and radiology tech, "Now where do I go to get my deep tissue massage?"  Hehe!

I had to wait at Nuclear Medicine for what seemed like eternity for a nurse to come get me from the Operating Room.  The cell phone service was terrible at the hospital, so I apologize if there are a host of text messages and emails that I didn't respond to.  By this time I was SO hungry, as I hadn't been able to eat since dinner the night before.  If I sent you texts about smuggling Chick-Fil-A into the hospital, I apologize.  Haha!  Once the nurse arrive to take me to the OR, (I was in a wheelchair) they wheeled me down to the OR and as we were passing everyone in the hallways I was beginning to get kind of nervous.  "What if it goes badly?  What if they find more cancer?  What if I don't respond to the anesthesia the way I should?"  The What Ifs raced through my mind, and I tried to refocus on my verse for the day:

Be still, and know that I am God;  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. - Psalm 46:10, NIV

The surgeon came in to discuss the procedure, and she said we wouldn't have any results after the surgery.  She said the tissue and lymph node biopsy would come back by Friday and then we'd know what we need to do for a course of action.  I may need more surgery, but we are not sure just yet.  I was stuck a number of times with needles and tubes all day, and had a number of drugs pumped in to me for everything from blood clotting to pain to nausea.  I fell into sleep on the operating table and the next thing I knew I was waking up in post-op.  They told me they had to put a tube down my throat during surgery to help me breathe, which we didn't anticipate on doing before surgery and unless they told me I wouldn't have known.  They had to make two incisions - one to remove the cancer and one to remove three lymph nodes.  The surgeon said the lymph nodes were very small, which was a good sign.  However, even if ONE cell of cancer has spread to them, then more lymph nodes would have to come out.  It only takes one cell of cancer to spread and multiply to your entire body, and the risk is high.  So we can pray the lymph nodes that were removed come back clean and no trace of cancer has reached them.

I was pretty groggy when I left the hospital, and super tired.  My friend Sarah and her fiance` came over last night to help me and support my family.  I ate some soup, kept that down, and then fell asleep.  I'm sure nothing I was saying was making sense and served for family entertainment!  Right now, I'm incredibly sore, and still kind of tired.  I look a little bit like I've been in a gang fight, I have a massive dressing and bandage on my arm that looks kind of gnarly and massive welts where they gave me injections and IVs.

None the less, I know God is still so good.  I pray He uses every ounce for His glory and I'm so very thankful for friends, family, and every message of encouragement.  I don't take any one prayer for granted.  God's love is truly amazing, and I'm thankful it's a love I can never truly understand.  A friend of mine posted a message from a pastor on her Facebook page about asking God "why" and I found it so encouraging, as it encouraged me to set aside my own demands on God and lay down my own pride and intellect for the sake of His love.


"It's totally natural to ask "why?" when we are going through the crucible of ache. Why me? Why now? Why him? Why her? Why this? But I've discovered that asking "why?" assumes information has the power to heal. If I just knew why the suffering is happening, we conclude, the pain would be easier to endure. I've learned, however, that information can't mend a wounded heart. We see this in the story of Job. Even if God had told Job why he was suffering, Job still would've had to deal with the loss of his health, family, and wealth. The truth is we may never fully understand why God allows the suffering that devastates our lives. We may never find the right answers to how we'll dig ourselves out. There may not be any silver lining---especially not in the ways we'd like. But we don't need answers as much as we need God's presence in and through the suffering itself. Explanations, I've learned, are often a substitute for trust. For a believer, God's chief concern in your suffering is to be with you and be himself for you. And, in the end, we discover this really is enough." --Tullian Tchividjian

Some may call this blind following, but I believe God has all the answers I don't - and all the answers I will never have.  His love for me is true, and His love for me has been proven time and time again.  I've seen God's hand answer prayers beyond what anyone could fathom, and resurrect the most lifeless hearts - physically and emotionally.  There is hope beyond our own selfish demands to know 'why' things happen, and we are constantly learning to lay down our own intellect to pick up a love that trusts.  If someone loves me, I do not ask them 'why do you want to bring me food?' or 'why do you want to hug me?' - I know that it is because they love me.  When I was a child, if my parents told me not to touch the stove - I would not do it, and later learned it was for my good, because I would have been burned.  Or if my parents said not to do something, there are times when I would not want to hear 'why' but I know it was because they loved me.  God's love is perfect, and can be trusted, and it is not necessary to ask Him why.  Anyhow, I'm sure I'm rambling by now, maybe because I'm tired and still adjusting to normal food!  But in any case, God's love is strong, and He loves me, and you!   Thank you for weathering this journey with me, as we aren't in the clear just yet....

Meet Infusion

I sat in the waiting room in the Oncology and Hematology Center at the Cancer Institute while waiting to see my oncologist for the first time at his office (the new patient visits are done on a separate floor).  I looked around, the folks waiting were "regulars" by definition.  People were discussing chemotherapy treatments, medications, pains, surgeries, and doctors all around me.  Some were simply visitors, indicated by bright yellow tags that say "visitor" pinned to their outerwear.  Some, like me, were patients.  You literally take a number and wait for them to call your name, then review your paperwork, and you sit back down to wait to be called back to see the doctor.  Everyone seemed much older than me.  However, one younger guy - probably in his late 20's, sat down a chair away from me.  He had crutches, was bald, wearing sweats, and was cracking jokes with the nurses.  His name was Brandon.

"They usually come through that door," he said pointing to one of the large wooden doors where nurses sailed in and out, escorting patients back.  I said thanks, and I asked, "how long have you been coming here?"  (Yep, I asked, I know.....) He went on to explain he had been diagnosed in March and had been coming to the WHC ever since.  He had stage 4 sarcoma, had one foot amputated due to the cancer, and awaiting two lung surgeries.  His attitude was quite remarkable.  He said support from friends and family have made all the difference in the world in wanting to fight, and to keep fighting hard.  "So have you been in Infusion yet?  That's where they start poking you for blood."  I hadn't been.  We joked a bit about college football, talked a bit about the blessings in our lives, the shock of finding out at a young age, and then he was called back to meet with his doctor.  So this is the life of a cancer patient.  Never thought I'd be experiencing it at my age, but God is not surprised.

As an update, the nurse was unable to do the needle aspiration biopsy yesterday.  She did an ultrasound and could not find a lymph node to puncture.  I had no idea what this meant - was it good?  Was it bad?  I do have lymph nodes, right?  Therefore, we will not know if any cancer has spread until Friday during the surgery.  However, this is STILL good news.  My oncologist said today that if my lymph nodes were swollen, it would have shown up on the ultrasound.  This could be very good news, not sure yet.  On Friday, just before the surgery they are doing another biopsy with radioactive dye to determine if there has been any spreading.  The oncologist also ordered blood testing today, so I finished my day in Infusion with them drawing a few tubes of blood, ironically.

The oncologist also said he plans on doing a number of scans and imaging following my surgery on Friday, and that he would see me after surgery.  He also mentioned that I'm still a candidate for the two treatment options of medication, one starts with an A and one starts with an I.  (I can't remember their names)  I'd be taking one of them for a year, with follow up visits with the oncologist.  Furthermore, I have check-in appointments with the oncological dermatologist every three months for the next two years.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. - Romans 5:3-5, NIV

I have hope in Christ, and that Christ is working this all out for His good and pleasing purpose.  I also have hope that perseverance in these circumstances does produce character like that of Christ.  His love never fails, and I can walk in confidence that God loves me, He loves each person in the waiting room, He loves Brandon, and He loves you.  He brings good out of every situation, none of it is a surprise to Him.  Praise the Lord for each step He gives us, each breath He blesses us with, and each day we get to live for Him.  While at the end of today, I'm plenty exhausted and a lot stays on my mind, I'm so thankful for God's love and the purpose He has for each of us.  Each day is truly a gift, a unique gift in time.

Please pray for Brandon, and all the others who come and go in the oncology waiting room.  Pray the God would lift them up, bring them encouragement, reveal His love, and help them to feel they are not alone.  

Biopsy # 2

Tomorrow (Monday Oct 8) at 2pm I go to the hospital again for a needle aspiration biopsy test which should tell us if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes, my friend Tara is coming with me again - praise the Lord for her!  If it has spread to my lymph nodes, then the cancer will be at stage 3.  Either way, the doctors plan on doing a full scan to determine if the cancer has metastasized and spread to other organs. If it has spread to other organs, then the cancer will be at stage 4 and my options will be limited. However, we're not thinking that far down the road quite yet.  :-)  I realize the size of my cancer (being a T4 - the largest on the scale) indicates that stage 3 is a strong possibility, so we can pray that it is NOT stage 3 or if so, that is where it stops.  Furthermore, my surgery HAS been scheduled for Friday October 12.  Injections of radioactive dye and anesthesia will start at 10 am, then the actual surgery begins at 12 noon.  I'm not sure how long the surgery will take, as the results of the needle aspiration test will tell the doctors what kind of surgery to do - remove all lymph nodes vs. removing only three lymph nodes.  Also, we are still waiting on a second opinion from Boston University, so that should hopefully arrive tomorrow (Monday) also.  

The last few days my energy level has been dramatically low and I've been running a mild fever, which I'm told is a result of my body fighting off the mass that is not there.  Also, my arm began bleeding in a different spot (5-6 inches below the cancer site) last night for no reason.  This is highly unusual and I emailed my oncologist this morning to let him know, as I have no clue why that started.  It seems to be ok now, so hopefully its nothing but a simple little speed bump.  I'm told that cancer can kind of be like a bee-hive, once its messed with, it gets angry and unpredictable and cells can disperse.  Since this has never happened to me, I have no idea how true that is, but I'm hoping these little hiccups are just a beehive reaction.  :-)  

I'm really reminded that my life is not my own, it is God's.  When Jesus poured out my sins on the Cross, His love won me over.  And with that, my life is His, purchased by Him.  My life is for God to use to bring people to Himself, and to hopefully reveal His glory and His character.  If that means I weather cancer, that's ok.  :-)  If more people come to know God, His strength, His kindness, His joy, and His incredible love - it's really ok!  There have been times in my life where I've wanted some friends and family to know the love of Christ and to live as though they know the love of Christ SO badly that I'd lay down my life for it, but then I quickly realize that Someone has already done that for them, and His name is Jesus.  No one needs two Saviors, there can only be One!  And believe me, any cheap imitation of Jesus is probably a crummy one.  

A girlfriend of mine had texted this verse to me the day I found out I had cancer:  

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. - Isaiah 43:1-3a, NIV

I am God's, you are God's.  We are His.  He is with us, and He is our one true Savior.  To know people are approaching Him on my behalf in prayer is not only incredibly selfless, but such an amazing act of love in His image.  I couldn't be more grateful, and at times it is a challenge to simply receive the blessing because it's hard to not be overwhelmed by God's goodness!  I truly believe my spiritual health is staying strong not just because of who He is, but also because of how many are rallying together to seek Him in prayer on my behalf.  It's all a blessing I don't deserve, and I don't take one second for granted!  Thank you, and every act of kindness does not go unnoticed!

October 3, 2012

What. a. day.  So, I met with four doctors today at the Cancer Institute at Washington Hospital Center – two oncological dermatologists, oncological surgeon, and medical oncologist.  As of right now, they believe the cancer is Stage 2b.  However, they believe there is a strong possibility it could have spread to my lymph nodes – which we are not sure if it has yet.  The surgeon has ordered a needle aspiration test on the lymph nodes to see if the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes sites, which may be this Friday or Monday.  If the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, then the cancer is stage 3.  Either way, I need surgery – which may be the week of October 15.  The surgery will remove the cancer as well as at a minimum of three lymph nodes (and a biopsy of the lymph nodes).  As mentioned, if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes – then they will remove all the lymph nodes in surgery along with the tumor site.  A scan will then be done to see if the cancer has metastasized and spread to other organs.  Right now, the mass is called a T4 tumor and is considered “thick” as opposed to ones that are minimally present.  I will need to visit the oncological dermatologist every three months for the next two years once my treatment for my current tumor is complete.

I feel a little like I’ve been standing in front of a fire hose for 3 hours, but trying to digest the information and wait for the needle aspiration test to be scheduled.  It can all be kind of exhausting!  My friend Tara did an amazing job of taking notes.  She herself, is a lymphoma survivor, and knew some great questions to ask - and she did a great job of keeping the time in-between appointments full of humor and spiritual growth!

I'll have a 4 cm scar on my left shoulder..... but I believe this scar will be a consistent reminder of how God uses these situations for His glory, and that He is good.  A scar doesn't have to be an ugly thing, or something we have to try and hide....  but it can be a reminder of a time when we've had to really depend on Him, and forever a reminder of how the body of Christ has rallied to pray - I'm truly humbled beyond words by people's responses, and to learn of them praying for me.  Last night, I was reading some of the messages on my Facebook page, put down the computer, got on my knees, cried and prayed in thankfulness to God for choosing to love me through you - through the people He has nudged to support me, show me compassion and kindness, and just pray more fierce than any warrior.  A scar is nothing really, a mark on my body that I won't have in heaven, and hopefully something my future husband (whoever he may be!) won't find bothersome - but will embrace it as a part of my path driving  me further into the arms of Jesus. 

There are still more answers to be had with this cancer, but God is at work.  He is in every detail of everything!  You can also pray for the salvation of my nurse Hugh.  And please pray that more people will come to know Christ through this experience somehow, and for Him to receive any and all glory.  So thankful for your compassion, and words cannot express how grateful I am for your prayers, truly!