Over the last 6 months or so, I've had a number of friends - close and peripheral - tell me I should write this blog entry. After some prayer, and wise counsel, I've decided to put pen to paper for God's glory. This is not an easy entry for me to write because it is rather personal in nature, but my prayer is that it would be used by God to bring encouragement to those who weather issues of the heart. So, now I set aside my own pride of wondering what people may think, or say, or do; and allow God to have my pen, praying the words come from His heart.
Within a year's time, I've had to weather both, a very painful break-up AND a stage 3 cancer diagnosis. Which one has been more challenging to deal with? Hands down, the break-up. I had been dating a man for some months who said he wanted to marry me. By his idea, he took me to try on engagement rings, we had discussed wedding plans (we even had a song!), we met each other's families, and he had even been the first to tell me that he loved me. Though I had to work through some of my own fears, I arrived at a point through much prayer by the leading of the Holy Spirit to move forward with this man. However, it all unraveled in a short period of time, maybe a week or two. It appears he began to become more in love with a fantasy he created in his head, (out of his own fear of committing) instead of with me. He shared with me that he had always felt God wanted him to marry a woman with brunette hair (I was blond), that he would meet her at church (we didn't), that she would have never had plastic surgery (I did nearly ten years ago for a medical reason), and that for some reason he said he always thought her name would be 'Grace.' I wish I was making this up, but as you can imagine, I was devastated. Years of hopes and dreams to be a wife and one day a Mom were shattered so quickly. The hopes and dreams of my family, his family, our friends - completely crushed. I felt so incredibly deceived, not even sure how to process the pain in the months that followed. I felt so very alone, but by God's grace, He drew me closer to His heart.
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young. - Isaiah 40:11, NIV
About 10 months later, on an idle Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call that would forever change my life. I was diagnosed with full-blown malignant melanoma, and after a surgery, then discovered that it had progressed to stage 3. Another, more extensive surgery was needed, which would forever impair my immunity by removing part of my lymphatic system. Then nearly a year of chemotherapy was in my future. After that phone call, my first thought was to ask for prayer. I did not want to be angry at God, and I definitely did not want to doubt God's kindness or His goodness. In the days, weeks, and months that followed, brothers and sisters in the Lord poured out love all over me. God was using them to touch my heart Himself. People brought over meals, people offered to come watch movies with me, people offered to come play board games with me, people offered to take me to doctor's appointments, people sent scores of notes and emails of encouragement, people were always asking how they could help. I felt so cared for, so loved. And then it hit me....
The break-up was so much harder than dealing with cancer. I thought about that, and it made me think A LOT about the human heart condition. The human heart wants so badly to be loved, and it is such a tender thing. Perhaps this is one reason the bible tells us to guard our hearts...
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. - Proverbs 4:23, NIV
I then realized, why don't we respond this way when one of our brothers or sisters goes through a heart issue? Why are we not rushing to their side to bring them food, clean clothes, comfort, encouragement, compassionate company? My first thought would be, "well I don't want to make them uncomfortable, it's too personal." But to be honest, cancer is also personal, far more personal than anyone may realize. Cancer is frightfully uncomfortable, and just as debilitating as a broken heart. I say this so women, and whomever else, might know that it is ok to ask for help in the midst of a hurting heart. A physical wound or illness will take its course, but wounds to the heart can be known to kill a man before he actually physically dies which is far more painful. To be honest, I don't sit around wondering if my doctor thinks I'm attractive, or if he is going to text me, or if he's thinking of me, or if he misses me. I don't wonder if my doctor is going to call me, or what he thinks about me, or any issue of the heart. No, it's not like a break-up. There is an enemy named cancer, and we must fight it. Period. However, a heartbreak is so much more complicated.
To be honest, I've struggled with anger towards God from a broken heart far more than I have battling a life-threatening illness (I believe this is because the hurt was greater). But much like any relationship, you work through anger, you work through pain, you work through hurt. Fortunately, when that relationship is with Christ you will ALWAYS find that He has carried you all along. His arms have been open out of unconditional love all along, He has never left you. And then you can remember the story of Sarah and Abraham, when Sarah wanted a child not in God's timing, an entire line of chaos and historical shift occurred out of her selfish, impatience. Sin drives us to rush into problems, and it also causes us to leave relationships which sanctify us. God is trustworthy. We can trust Him with our tomorrows, trust Him with our health, trust Him with our hearts, trust Him with our relationships, He isn't going to steer you wrong. So what if you never beat cancer? God is STILL trustworthy and on the throne. So what if you never get married? God STILL has your best in mind. Far more hurt has come from our own fears, impatience, and selfishness when it is so much easier for us to surrender to life He has for us - and to know that life is nothing but GOOD!
My challenge to myself - and to others reading this - is to love better. Love deeper. Get invested. The Greek word for "compassion" means to "suffer with." I pray we become people who will suffer together, walk alongside each other in the midst of heart trials AND health trials. Broken hearts need just as much care and attention as any person experiencing physical pain. Be at ease in the midst of your hurt and know that God is there. My prayer that we, as a church, can suffer with you. Think of a broken heart the way you would think of cancer! I promise you, allowing God to use you to apply balm on any wound - emotional or physical - will bless you, and allow you to selflessly love one His own lambs. For each person who has walked with me through both - you are few, but I am beyond grateful for your heart and your selflessness. You've picked up broken pieces even when you didn't have to.
The beautiful thing about brokenness is when the pieces are all picked up and glued back together, you have a beautiful mosaic. Mosaics are for more precious than the whole piece of colored glass. We can allow God to use us, by His hands, to be the glue that puts His mosaics together.
Within a year's time, I've had to weather both, a very painful break-up AND a stage 3 cancer diagnosis. Which one has been more challenging to deal with? Hands down, the break-up. I had been dating a man for some months who said he wanted to marry me. By his idea, he took me to try on engagement rings, we had discussed wedding plans (we even had a song!), we met each other's families, and he had even been the first to tell me that he loved me. Though I had to work through some of my own fears, I arrived at a point through much prayer by the leading of the Holy Spirit to move forward with this man. However, it all unraveled in a short period of time, maybe a week or two. It appears he began to become more in love with a fantasy he created in his head, (out of his own fear of committing) instead of with me. He shared with me that he had always felt God wanted him to marry a woman with brunette hair (I was blond), that he would meet her at church (we didn't), that she would have never had plastic surgery (I did nearly ten years ago for a medical reason), and that for some reason he said he always thought her name would be 'Grace.' I wish I was making this up, but as you can imagine, I was devastated. Years of hopes and dreams to be a wife and one day a Mom were shattered so quickly. The hopes and dreams of my family, his family, our friends - completely crushed. I felt so incredibly deceived, not even sure how to process the pain in the months that followed. I felt so very alone, but by God's grace, He drew me closer to His heart.
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young. - Isaiah 40:11, NIV
About 10 months later, on an idle Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call that would forever change my life. I was diagnosed with full-blown malignant melanoma, and after a surgery, then discovered that it had progressed to stage 3. Another, more extensive surgery was needed, which would forever impair my immunity by removing part of my lymphatic system. Then nearly a year of chemotherapy was in my future. After that phone call, my first thought was to ask for prayer. I did not want to be angry at God, and I definitely did not want to doubt God's kindness or His goodness. In the days, weeks, and months that followed, brothers and sisters in the Lord poured out love all over me. God was using them to touch my heart Himself. People brought over meals, people offered to come watch movies with me, people offered to come play board games with me, people offered to take me to doctor's appointments, people sent scores of notes and emails of encouragement, people were always asking how they could help. I felt so cared for, so loved. And then it hit me....
The break-up was so much harder than dealing with cancer. I thought about that, and it made me think A LOT about the human heart condition. The human heart wants so badly to be loved, and it is such a tender thing. Perhaps this is one reason the bible tells us to guard our hearts...
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. - Proverbs 4:23, NIV
I then realized, why don't we respond this way when one of our brothers or sisters goes through a heart issue? Why are we not rushing to their side to bring them food, clean clothes, comfort, encouragement, compassionate company? My first thought would be, "well I don't want to make them uncomfortable, it's too personal." But to be honest, cancer is also personal, far more personal than anyone may realize. Cancer is frightfully uncomfortable, and just as debilitating as a broken heart. I say this so women, and whomever else, might know that it is ok to ask for help in the midst of a hurting heart. A physical wound or illness will take its course, but wounds to the heart can be known to kill a man before he actually physically dies which is far more painful. To be honest, I don't sit around wondering if my doctor thinks I'm attractive, or if he is going to text me, or if he's thinking of me, or if he misses me. I don't wonder if my doctor is going to call me, or what he thinks about me, or any issue of the heart. No, it's not like a break-up. There is an enemy named cancer, and we must fight it. Period. However, a heartbreak is so much more complicated.
To be honest, I've struggled with anger towards God from a broken heart far more than I have battling a life-threatening illness (I believe this is because the hurt was greater). But much like any relationship, you work through anger, you work through pain, you work through hurt. Fortunately, when that relationship is with Christ you will ALWAYS find that He has carried you all along. His arms have been open out of unconditional love all along, He has never left you. And then you can remember the story of Sarah and Abraham, when Sarah wanted a child not in God's timing, an entire line of chaos and historical shift occurred out of her selfish, impatience. Sin drives us to rush into problems, and it also causes us to leave relationships which sanctify us. God is trustworthy. We can trust Him with our tomorrows, trust Him with our health, trust Him with our hearts, trust Him with our relationships, He isn't going to steer you wrong. So what if you never beat cancer? God is STILL trustworthy and on the throne. So what if you never get married? God STILL has your best in mind. Far more hurt has come from our own fears, impatience, and selfishness when it is so much easier for us to surrender to life He has for us - and to know that life is nothing but GOOD!
My challenge to myself - and to others reading this - is to love better. Love deeper. Get invested. The Greek word for "compassion" means to "suffer with." I pray we become people who will suffer together, walk alongside each other in the midst of heart trials AND health trials. Broken hearts need just as much care and attention as any person experiencing physical pain. Be at ease in the midst of your hurt and know that God is there. My prayer that we, as a church, can suffer with you. Think of a broken heart the way you would think of cancer! I promise you, allowing God to use you to apply balm on any wound - emotional or physical - will bless you, and allow you to selflessly love one His own lambs. For each person who has walked with me through both - you are few, but I am beyond grateful for your heart and your selflessness. You've picked up broken pieces even when you didn't have to.
The beautiful thing about brokenness is when the pieces are all picked up and glued back together, you have a beautiful mosaic. Mosaics are for more precious than the whole piece of colored glass. We can allow God to use us, by His hands, to be the glue that puts His mosaics together.
