I Had Cancer.

First, I'll bring you up to speed.  I had surgery two Mondays ago on my arm, my second wide excision to be more accurate.  The dermatological surgeon ended up taking out way more than I had anticipated.  After he drew the area to be removed on my arm, I began to get fearful.  My friend Lindsey was with me when they did the drawing, and I looked at her with what I'm sure she sensed as my escalating panic.  As such a sweet friend that she is, and God knowing the exact thing I needed to hear as the doctor was talking (which seemed to sound a lot like Charlie Brown's teacher talking), she mouthed to me, "God is for you." My heart began to rest.  They asked her to leave the room.  They decided to do the surgery while I was largely awake, but decided to numb my entire left arm with local anesthetic and they put a curtain next to my face so I couldn't see what they were doing. The injections began, and I began to cry.  I asked if my friend could come back in the room to hold my hand, they said no.  The nurse held my hand, and I began to remember the scripture from Isaiah 43....

But now this is what the Lord says - He who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior....Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you... - Isaiah 43:1-4, NIV

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I stared up at the huge surgical lights beaming down at my arm.  Cancer began to feel more like a career, and less like something I could just "cut it out" and move on from.  God's grace in my life has been more visible, to me at least, and I'm thankful.  It's all really unpredictable.  

This past week, I got results!  First the surgeon went on with what seemed like 34 questions about the care and condition of my incision, "how is it healing?"  "is there still bleeding?"  "what are you putting on it?"  "have you been able to wash it?"  And all along, I knew there was really only one reason she was calling and that was to give me results.  She said......my pathology came back with no further indication of abnormal melanocytes.  In plain language, no more cancer was detected!  Praise the Lord!!  She went on to say they can never be 100% sure, but I was not needed to come back for anything further other than having my stitches taken out. So after Monday, when they remove the stitches, I'll leave the hospital knowing I will not have to go back for anything until December 13, to have my routine check-up of bloodwork and CT scan.  What a great feeling!  It's still sinking in....

I had another skin exam on Tuesday, and the oncological dermatologist wants to do two more biopsies - BUT.....they are going to wait until February to do them.  They said I've been cut on enough, and they want to give me a break for a while.  I can't complain about that!  I'm tired of having scars and stitches, for sure!  So, life goes on.

A couple people asked me recently what is it that I have learned spiritually from this whole experience, and to be honest, that is a loaded question.  But, the single most important thing I can know moving forward is, there is something to be said about resting in God's sovereignty.  God is truly sovereign, and I relish in resting in His sovereignty.  I was having a very "down" moment a few weeks ago, and a girlfriend of mine challenged me in explaining how she rests in God's sovereignty.  The whole conversation felt sort of overspiritual at the time, but I'm incredibly grateful she said it.  It was as if God had turned up the volume of a megaphone to me through her words.  Regardless if you live or are facing death, resting in His sovereignty is not only enriching and a lifeblood of your relationship with Christ, it greatly improves your quality of life of what you have left.  To really just trust Him, in everything with everything.  Knowing that the same God that parted the red seas and raised the dead, He is on your side and everything happening in life ultimately will serve for your own good through His hands.  It all gives such a peace, such an assailant to worry.  

So, now what?  I move on, living life, for Christ as I did before.  Each trial we have, in some way, makes the next steps so much sweeter and our faith so much more real.  My faith feels less like a cultural norm and more like a living, breathing relationship with Christ Himself.  He's been there with me, holding my hand each step of the way, never forgetting me, never losing His grip on me, and loving me through every tear, every question, every fear, and everything in between.  I'm going to get up tomorrow and go to church, and embrace all that God has for me in Himself.  I've realized that I don't even need my own health to be blessed, I don't need a big fancy house, tons of clothes, the latest new gadget, or a big luxury car to be blessed.  The blessing we have in life is God Himself.  His unfailing love is unfathomable and unchanging.  I'm going to go to work and embrace what God has put in front of me as an opportunity to live for Him.  He never let's go.

16 Things I've Learned As A Cancer Patient

I know it's not a BuzzFeed "listicle" but if I had to sum up what I've learned so far, this is what I've tried to quantify.  But without further delay, I give you the list:

1) Laugh as much as humanly possible.  
Hire a clown.  Rent funny movies.  Call your hilarious friends.  Make fun of your own illness.  Do whatever it takes.  Humor truly makes things much easier.  Having friends that would engage in humor with me over my circumstances brought life to my day, and I believe God used this as a tremendous blessing to find joy in the worst of circumstances.

2)  Get a pet.
I know the timing seems rough, but trust me.  Adopt a cat, get a dog, whatever.  Having a furry friend truly helps.  It's lighthearted, fun, and a great sense of company in the midst of your suffering.  You'll be spending A LOT of time at home in your pajamas, and having a pet can truly be evidence of God's grace as they just want to play or be loved.  My Mom brought my cat from her house to my apartment in DC, and another friend of mine with sarcoma got a puppy.  You won't regret it.

3)  People don't know what to say, and neither do you.
This is a bumpy road.  People WILL say the wrong thing.  People may also say nothing at all.  People will also just let their actions do the talking.  It's a mish mash and no one will ever get it right 100% of the time.  Thankfully, there is grace!  As a patient, you have two options:  get upset and hold it against them, or give them grace and move on.  It's a hard thing to weather at first because your whole world gets flipped upside down and you have no idea who you can depend on for practical help.  But the truth is, even as a patient, you have no idea what to say either.  How do you actually tell someone you have cancer?  It feels weird for the words to even leave your lips.  So, no one really ever knows what to say, you just have to get through it and know a basic human compassion and love exists because God who IS love exists.  If they are close friends, maybe have the conversation about it, and get back to the fight.  Support makes a world of difference, and God is always there with open arms.  We all need grace, and Lord knows I've certainly needed extra grace from family/friends throughout this season!

4)  There is a big difference between a cancer patient on treatment, and a cancer patient NOT on treatment. 
When you are on treatment, life can be extra challenging.  Depending on the type of chemo you are getting, everyone's bodies respond differently.  But common side effects are hair loss, nausea, vomiting, skin rash, swollen everything from fluids, heightened sense of smell, aches, fevers, chills, oversleeping, sleeplessness, chemo brain aka forgetfulness, seizures, and of course, dangerously low immunity and white blood cell counts, low platelets, weight loss or weight gain, low neutrophils, and dangerously high liver enzymes (aka border line liver disease).  All this considered, you can't go to many public places because you'll get sick, if you can even go at all.  You cannot consume any alcoholic beverages and you can't just take a tylenol for your headache.  When you get sick, you can't just walk into a pharmacy and get something to make you feel better - how it acts with the chemo drugs you are on can be life or death.  So, for any sneeze or illness you have to call your oncologist immediately.  It's life altering.  Many times its an infection while on chemo is what kills a cancer patient.  You have to be so careful.  The fatigue is horrendous, and flying anywhere for a visit feels out of the question.

5)  "If you have hair, you don't have cancer."
Ah yes.....the rule often most joked about.  For some reason, if I tell people I have cancer, some might say, "but you have hair!" Haha!  I want to say, "You're right!  I must not have cancer...."  All joking aside, hair can give the appearance we're all ok and nothing is wrong.  Not everyone loses hair on treatment.  One girl I know had chemo for six weeks and never lost a hair on her head, has gorgeous blond hair to this day.  Everyone's body is different.

6)  God is sovereign.
Now I realize not everyone will like this one.  But this is what I've learned.  My healing is NOT up to me, it is up to God.  My healing is not dependent on anything I do, or don't do, or what "level" of faith I may have - it is always, and forever, up to God Himself.  And I trust Him, because He is a loving God who cares for His children that no matter my outcome, He is using it for my good and His (Romans 8:28).  God can do anything, at any time.  Satan was defeated on the Cross, and God is on the throne as King.  I rest in God's sovereignty, knowing He is in control and He is trustworthy.

7)  Nurses make a massive difference.
I became friends with the nurses I've had.  They make a massive difference in how to weather this thing, and a caring hand and warm smile can seriously put you at ease in the midst of what can be the most fearful time of your life.  Nurses, I salute you!

8)  You need people.  You have to ask for help, even if it hurts.
This was hard for me.  My family is over a thousand miles away so I had to depend on people for help. If they back out at the last minute in taking me to appointments, I have to scramble to find someone else who can take off of work.  It's hard, it's humbling, even compromising, it doesn't always feel good, you may even feel like a burden (which feels worse when people say no), but you have to ask for help.  Bite the bullet, get over yourself, and just do it.  Cancer is vulnerable and personal, and it feels weird, I get it.  I can't say it gets easier, but you do grow in some beautiful and awesome friendships as a result.

9) Never take your physical ability for granted, ever.
When you are on treatment, as I mentioned earlier, you cannot do a whole lot.  Exercise is out of the question usually, at least it was for me.  Now I never want to take it for granted.  Go running, ride a bike, go swimming, climb something, go kayaking, go hiking, simply because you can!  If you are healthy, embrace it.  Enjoy it.  Get out there and do it for those who can't.  Physical ability is a blessing from our King Himself, embracing it is a way to worship Him.

10)  Buy the dorky, extra large-print pill box.
Just do it.  It makes life easier.

11)  Cancer is kind of a big deal.
I severely underestimated how much this illness would impact my life.  It was like trying to clean up an oil spill with a paper towel, it bled into everything.  When your in it, somehow it just feels surreal and you can't survey the damage just yet.  But after it's been your "way of life" for a while, you realize just how big of a bomb it has been.  It's a huge battle, a life-threatening illness, a life changing ordeal in a zillion ways.

12)  Hospital food is really not awesome.
Ok, so the first day or two, not bad.  But after a week or two weeks, you just want some Chick Fil A or anything at all but hospital food.  I don't know what it is, but it is just less than desirable.  I'm sure it doesn't help that a bunch of sick people eat it all the time, and when your sick, you probably think everything tastes terrible.  I don't know, but my advice is, if you know a sick person in the hospital, offer to smuggle in food of their choice.  Ha!

13)  Suffer well.
Cancer is an unfortunate circumstance, we all can agree.  But, I believe it is also an opportunity to show the world that God is still good and He can still be trusted.  People would often ask me in the first few months of diagnosis, "Why aren't you mad at God?"  I would just smile and say, "How can I be mad at a God who loves me so much?"  Cancer is an opportunity to put your focus on God, and less of your self.  In a selfie-addicted culture, we're tempted to believe it is all about us.  But in cancer, the daily prayer is to keep our focus on God.  He has a zillion amazing promises to us whether we have cancer or not, but cancer just illuminates the eye and stage of which an unbelieving world can see how trustworthy our God truly is.  Despite every circumstance, we still have it SO good and God is still so good, no matter what.

14)  You get loads of unsolicited diet and medical advice.
Every single solitary cancer patient I talk to mentions this - we all seem to get loads of diet and medical advice from well-meaning people, but 97% of the time they are not doctors and they do not know us that well, and they've never had cancer.  It's astonishing.  I'm not sure what possesses a person to think they know what's best for someone without reading their medical chart and attempt to influence major life-changing health decisions on a person, but people do it.  It just kinda feels like they are trying to "sell" you something.  I've learned, through my own repentance and prayer, to give these people grace..... and to authorize any of my friends to slap me in the face if I ever do this! Ha!  On the bright side, I've become well versed in a multitude of "alternative" diets and treatment plans.  I'm not ashamed to say that modern medicine, by God's grace, has saved my life.

15)  Be a prayer beggar.
Honestly, ask for prayer.  I made the decision to be open about my diagnosis from day one for one reason only:  I wanted prayer.  I was willing to take prayer from anyone who was willing to give it.  I knew I did not have the answers, and even doctors may not have all the answers, but God did have every answer to anything and everything.  I didn't want to doubt Him, and I knew I'd need prayer to get through it.  There is nothing more loving than someone seeking the Creator of the universe on your behalf.

16)  The thought of IVs and/or vaccines is no big deal now.
Anytime I need an IV or a vaccine now, it does not bother me.  Perhaps it was the 4 intra-muscular needles injecting burning nuclear medicine in my arm simultaneously before my first surgery that did it, or the shots of heprin (burning solution given subcutaneously through injection before surgery to prevent blood clotting) - but needles barely phase me now.  I had once calculated that I had over 107 injections over the period of 8 months, and I have no idea what that number is now.  Bring on my next flu shot!