2012: He Makes All Things New

Every year, I start a new photo album on my Shutterfly account and give it a name with the year in the title.  Last year, just after New Years, I named the 2012 album "He Makes All Things New" which was from the bible verse:

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said "write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." - Revelation 21:5, NIV

At the time, I obviously had no idea what God had in store for 2012.  While 2012 could easily be one of the most challenging years of my life, I can look back and see how just about every area of my life changed.  My job changed, my church changed, where I live changed, I joined a different small group, I have a different roommate, and even the type of car I drive changed this year... my relationships changed, my health changed with a cancer diagnosis, and all of my belongings in storage finally moved up to Washington, DC from Houston, Texas so I could now sleep in a real bed after two years sleeping on an air mattress. (No complaint, after spending time on a mission field, your just happy to have a place to sleep, nothing fancy needed!)  Needless to say, in 2012, my whole life changed.  But one thing did not change:  God.

I the Lord do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. - Malachi 3:6, NIV

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. - James 1:17, NIV

I had no idea that God would literally make everything new in my life with all the changes that took place in 2012.  God even continuously renewed my heart to trust Him, follow Him, rest in Him, and to be content in Him.  I look back and am thankful God has been my constant, my Rock, my Redeemer, my best friend, and the One who never disappoints.  Even in the midst of the most painful changes and circumstances, and when I felt as though God was so distant at times, I truly see how He never ever left me for one second.  What a year.  What a year of growth and renewal, a year of sanctification and joy.

While I realize 2013 already comes with some serious challenges given I will be subject to intense treatments for cancer (especially in January with high dose Intron A), I choose to believe that the best is yet to come in 2013.  I realize the temptation to believe my world is coming down around me will be great at times as I sit in a hospital bed with extremely low immunity, liver enzymes all out of whack, and sick from all the drugs - but my hope is not in things of this world (including my health), my hope is my God.  I believe God can do things in my life that I never ever dreamed possible, He already has!  More importantly, God loves me (and you!) more than we can ever fathom as He displayed His love through His only Son on the cross.  I believe God when He says this:

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. - Ecclesiastes 3:11, NIV

I have no idea what God has in store for 2013, but I believe He makes EVERYTHING (He didn't say "just some things" but He said everything) beautiful in its time, in His time.  I cannot fathom what He will do in my life, or yours, this coming year.  But we can stand on the truth that He is faithful, and we can't be too quick to judge God before the story is over.  As for myself, this week brings another round of appointments:

Monday - Oncological Surgery follow-up
Wednesday - Blood & Enzyme Testing
Friday - Neurology
TBA - Oncological Dermatology check-up
TBA - Oncological Dietary Consult

(I list them out in the event you would like to pray specifically)  And some folks have been asking what I need as I enter treatment, and here is what I've been able to think of (in unranked order):

1) Spiritual Encouragement - a little goes a long way (bible verses, whatever God moves you to share)
2) Alleve - simple I know, haha, but the doctor said I will need this for aches/fever, etc at home
3) Fresh Fruit & Vegetables - I love fresh food (spinach, berries, apples, pineapple, cantaloupe, etc.)
4) Prayer - this is probably the biggest on the list, to know people are praying is a gift

I'm so grateful for your grace and compassion!  I learned this year that the Greek word for compassion means "to suffer with" and I'm so thankful for the compassion of those who are willing to give it.  Anyhow, I pray that God makes everything beautiful in its time for your 2013.  He redeems every tear, every ounce of suffering, nothing is wasted in the kingdom of God.  All joy is from Him, and I pray we all find ourselves resembling His character even more this time next year as we reflect before entering 2014.  All for His glory, for sanctification, and for His love!

MRI: The Mental Spacemountain

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. - 1 Thessalonians 2:8, NIV

You have become dear to me.  That being said, you.  You who pray for me, and who cares for me, I pray the gospel has reached you in some way.  The pure unadulterated gospel.  Not the "Snickers" candy bar version, but the actual meat and potatoes of the gospel (nothing against Snickers!).  I say this because YOU are dear to me, and I gladly share my life with you here on this very blog.  I pray for you, and for God's love to melt your heart as He has melted mine (and He continues to do so every day).  With my road being such a wobbly one in this season, I know the Lord's promise is to always make our paths straight.  In the same vein (no pun intended!), God has been showing me the value in living out loud.  I wish I could write the numerous ways I have observed this, but it would possibly be the longest blog ever written.  So if you see me, or please feel to ask me, and I'd be happy to share with you backstories of how God is revealing Himself in the most unexpected places.  I've asked Him to help me be a better example of His, and to share His love and gospel better - and He IS answering this prayer in so many incredible, unpredictable ways.

There is a saying, "There are no atheists in foxholes."  I have no idea who said it, but my guess is it was a military guy, maybe WWII time period.  You might also say, "There are no atheists in MRI tubes" either.  If you've ever had an MRI, specifically on your brain, you may know what I'm talking about.  You wear this super stylish hospital gown (slightly different print than the ones in the Operating Room), lock your belongings in a little gym locker, and they take you into this room with a door on it that looks like a big freezer door with "Danger" signs all over it (super comforting!).  You lie down on this table, they bring you a blanket and a buzzer to squeeze in case you need something, they give you ear plugs (cause it is super loud in there!), and they lock your face into this plastic/hard foam cradle.  They slide you in there, and it's a rather thin tube, so the roof is super close your face.  People with claustrophobia don't stand a chance.  Even I got rather anxious, and I prayed for the entire 30 minutes.  You are alone.  In such a tiny, close quartered space, and you are not permitted to move.  The machine makes loud noises, shakes, and buzzes.  After the first 30 minutes, they slid me out and injected me with contrast dye, then slid me back in for another 10 minutes.  However, I heard God's calming voice, and heard these words:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;  and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;" - Isaiah 43:1b-3a, NIV

God was with me, He is my true comfort, my Father, and my best friend.  I've held to this truth so firmly, and even more so lately as I prepare for treatment and simply weathering the emotional toll this road often takes.  At times I feel alone.  You learn that some people who said they wanted to be there for you, just aren't.  And you learn that some people who offered to be an ear to listen or would help with anything needed, didn't really mean it, they were just being nice.  The people that have normally been a 'safe place' for you, find it is too emotionally overwhelming for them to walk through cancer with you.  Sure, it could be disappointing, but I'm learning that instead, God often graciously raises up others in their place to be His hands and feet.  And even more importantly, God grows my dependence on Him that much more.  God never disappoints us, His grace through us allows others to be off the hook.  He is big enough to even heal any of the hurts.  This is not a lament or even a complaint, but a praise for God being so kind and so sovereign to consistently show His comfort to His lambs.  He promises to meet our needs, and I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am for the care of His hands and His heart that draws near to mine.  God often "hugs" us through the most unexpected circumstances, at the most unexpected times, through the most unexpected people - and it's glorious!  Only He could plan it!  I'm so grateful for each little ounce of compassion God has displayed through people as His hands and feet, each minute has such a heartfelt expression of God's love to me - and you.  He displays His character through everything He does, God is so caring!

Most of the time, I use two bibles.  Both are NIV, however one is on my night stand and I've had it since the year before I got saved in college (gosh has that thing seen some ups and downs!), and the other is a thin line black and pink bible I got to take on mission trips about four or five years ago.  The thin line bible is hanging on for dear life, haha!  My point is, I've grown so accustomed to using the thin line bible (which probably takes a beating while riding around in my purse everywhere) that I don't pick up the college bible as much, so it looks a little more well loved, ha!  Today I observed, I've been reading God's word ALL the time lately, probably since September.  I could read God's word for hours and hours, over and over.  His scriptures bring so much life to my heart every time, I can barely describe it.

I know it is this same thin line bible that will be sitting on my lap in the chemotherapy room at the Cancer Institute next month, and God will be using it to draw me closer to Him.  As of Tuesday, I'm officially beginning treatment on January 7th.  I signed the papers, which was a surreal experience.  You read things like, "I understand treatment can be life threatening and even fatal." Side effects are nausea, vomiting, chills, fever, muscle aches, depression, hair loss, hair thinning, loss of appetite, metal taste in mouth, dehydration, insomnia, and heart palpitations.  When reading over the papers, there definitely is a surreal thought in my mind of, "Am I really signing this?  Did I ever in a thousand years think I'd be signing a document with the words 'chemotherapy' on it?  Especially at this age?"  The good news is, as of right now, there is no direct evidence that Intron A or half-dose Interferon will impact my fertility - now, and long-term.  Furthermore, my BRAF genetic results were negative two months ago, which means I can't even pass on cancerous genes to my kids! (should I ever have any, ha!)  Praise God!  Pic below:

As far as the nuts and bolts of treatment, it's five days a week for four weeks.  They are giving me a peripheral IV which will stay in my arm for 4-5 days, then replaced.  I may have a pic-line ordered, as I've heard that might as well be easier.  For the first 2-3 hours of treatment, they will give me fluid IVs and then the actual drugs only take 30-60 minutes to administer.  They said I must have someone drive me to and from treatment because I will be too fatigued to do any driving.  The oncologist told me to stock up on Alleve (so if anyone is looking for any last minute gift ideas, haha, just send over some bottles of Alleve!) since I will be using it a lot for aches and fever throughout the month.  The doctor already gave me the prescription for nausea medicine.  My shelf at home looks like a CVS!

As far as prayer requests, please pray for my strength - physical, emotional and spiritual.  Pray that God will continue to give me strength needed, and to learn to rest when He needs me to rest.  Please pray that while I may be weak, pray that God will use me for His glory.  As I know God often uses the weak to display His strength, because it is then that the weak cannot rely on their own strength, but desperately need His!  Pray that God will simply use me for His glory, that He will open my ears to hear His voice and open my eyes so I can see Him at work.  Please pray for my friends, family, and church family who will be caring for me and depending on during this season of time.  Pray that God will lift them up, encourage them, and fill them up for His glory.  Please ask for there to be just a fruitful flow of ministry between everyone around me, and that patience, humility, and grace be plentiful throughout.  I only want God's glory!

I'm not perfect, nor is anyone perfect.  None of us are good enough for God's kingdom, but because of God's perfect and sufficient grace - somehow He wants to use us, to display His glory.  How amazing is that?!  Thankfully God doesn't wait our whole lives for us to become perfect, He just loves us as we are and loves us so much that He molds us into His likeness.  When I think about living this out, I immediately recognize how I can live out God's grace with others.   I can free people of my own expectations, and just love them.  No one will always say the perfect thing, no one will always be perfectly spiritual, no one will be any kind of perfect;  but because of His grace, we can give others grace - just as I will need grace from others, and I'll need to give grace to others (now and probably always, haha, not just because of cancer!).  We're all a beautiful mess, and thankfully we can choose to give grace in love to each other just as God chooses to do so with us.  SUCH a powerful act of love from such a loving Father!  

It's Just Hair

I sat at a table with my friend Bryan surrounded by 20 orphans making prayer journals one sunny afternoon  in Kampong Thom, Cambodia.  "So what's your favorite bible verse?" I asked a couple of the girls, as we cut out figures of construction paper to glue on the cover of composition notebooks we purchased at the dollar store. "John 10:10....it says Jesus gave me life...." (The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:10, NIV) That seemed somewhat of a deep answer to me for a 16 year old girl with no family in rural Cambodia. I wanted to hear more, so I asked her some questions about herself.  Her name was Srey Mom, and she had high aspirations to be a doctor.  The other girls listened intently and shared their dream occupations, and hopes for their future. Then she dropped one of the biggest questions I've ever heard in my life...

"So why do you believe in God?" I looked at Bryan, who is a theological genius and PhD graduate from a top seminary.  I struggled for an answer, in fact, I'm not even sure what was said after that.  My mind spun in pure shock how I could have overlooked such an important question to my personal faith.  I couldn't give some Sunday school answer, she was being authentic with me and I wanted to be real with her.  I asked how we could pray for her, and she went on to say she wanted prayers for her studies; to learn English; and wanted prayers for the very family that had abandoned her and for them to come to know Jesus.  I was stunned.  If an amoeba has a feeling, that must have been what it was.  I felt unworthy and incapable to help such a sweet soul.  Before our missions team went to bed, we met for a devotional time.  Bryan told our group about Srey Mom's question, and said he had thought long and hard about it, having prayed about it.  He said, "....it's because I have no where else to go." It made so much sense.  You could have everything - the perfect house, loads of money, the perfect job, the perfect spouse, and it will not satisfy you over time.  It takes sweet brokenness for many of us to get there, and to realize we ALL have no where else to go but the arms of Jesus.  All that to say, I'm consistently reminded that life is but a vapor, and I have no where else to go but the arms of Jesus.

[As a side note:  That was 2008, and Srey Mom is now 20 years old and is at student in medical school in the capitol city of Phnom Penh, Cambodia.  She prays for her family everyday, asks for the Lord help in her studies, and still writes to me on occasion.]

As I prepare to walk through what is expected to be the most challenging part of this diagnosis, I know there will be good days and bad days.  I know there will be tough moments, frustrating moments, emotional moments, scary moments; there will be moments when I just want to give up because it is all so exhausting and overwhelming; there will be moments when I'm sure I feel like no one understands, and I feel lonely.  Christians are not stoics, and christian stoicism is not a fruit of spiritual maturity - in fact, I'd state that it is the opposite, christian stoicism is a fruit of immaturity.  As Christians, I'm led to believe (and with wise counsel) that we do not stop feeling the more we grow in Christ.  We will still weather a number of emotions and feelings, it does not mean we do not trust the Lord.  King David provides an outstanding example of this in the Psalms.  He was extremely candid and authentic with God about how he was feeling, laying his heart before the Lord in some of the most painful circumstances.  I know I'll pass through a series of thoughts and emotions, but in the midst, I don't want to miss ALL of the good God chooses to bring out what may be horrific.  I don't want to focus so much on my own suffering that I can't see God's kindness and goodness.  I'd miss seeing how people care for me and desire to be the hands and feet of the Lord;  I'd miss out on seeing love in action, as a verb and not because people feel like it;  I'd miss out on seeing it all as an opportunity to bring Him glory;  I'd miss out on seeing the beauty of unexpected blessings;  and I'd just miss out on so much more.

Today I saw my neurologist (I think I have two of those), and they are running an MRI on Thursday as a precaution.  They read my PET/CT results from October which shows no metastasis beyond stage three, but they want an MRI to verify there is no cancer in my brain.  They said they have no reason to believe it is there, but just want to be sure with the MRI.  Fair enough.  The doctors also ordered another round of blood work for me today explaining that the labs done within the last month were not current enough, so I got stuck for more tubes of blood today. (PS - this whole experience REALLY makes me appreciate nurses....great nurses make a MASSIVE difference!) When the labs come back, that will tell them what type of medication to give me for the nerve issues and leg pain I've been having since surgery.  The pain isn't unbearable, just uncomfortable when I sleep at night.  It's not a heavy hitting drug they said, but one that will address the issues.

Afterwards, I walked over to Patient Services at the Cancer Institute (right next door) to drop off two books I borrowed from their library last month.  The ladies said, "so how's your Mom feeling?" and I looked at her, kind of laughed, and said, "Do you mean the patient?  I'm the patient." And they said, "What?!  You're so young! Oh my gosh, well honey if there is anything you need, let us know!" And I assured them I'd be there everyday starting in January, so they'd see me again. As I walked away, I heard them saying to each other, "She has such pretty hair!"  And I had to take a deep breath.  In three or four months, I might not have any hair, and if I do, it may be really thin and brittle.  I was talking to my friend Julie afterwards (Julie lost her hair twice in two battles with leukemia) and it's so interesting, to us as women, hair can be such a comfort.  When you are physically feeling at your worst, it's therapeutic to have your hair done and just feel girly.  My Mom used to tie my hair up in ribbons and bows when I was a kid;  I've thought about how I'd want to wear it in a wedding someday;  I often coordinate outfits around the color it happens to be during the season;  and when babysitting little girls, they love to play with it.  I started thinking about this, and found comfort in this verse:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.  For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. - 1 Peter 3:3-5, NIV

It's just hair.  It can grow back.  My hair isn't what makes me - or any other God fearing woman - beautiful in this world.  My prayer is that anyone who would find me beautiful would see my heart for Christ as the source of any beauty, but ultimately finding beauty in the King Himself who happens to live in my heart.  He made me, all of me, and all of you.  I can only be beautiful because of who He is, and radiating His character.  Another favorite woman I aspire to follow in the bible is the woman of Proverbs 31, and having studied this chapter most of my Christian life - no where in the chapter does it speak of her own physical appearance (other than in verse 22, it tells us she wears purple!).  The closest it comes to speaking of her physical beauty is this amazing (and favorite) verse:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. - Proverbs 31:30, NIV

It doesn't say she is blond, brunette, or redheaded.  It doesn't tell us if she is a size 2 or a size 12.  It doesn't even tell us if she is tan, pale, or African American.  It doesn't tell us if this girl makes it to the nail salon once every two weeks or even if she wears name brand make-up.  But we can take a good glimpse of her heart throughout the entire passage, and clearly her husband is respected (Proverbs 31:23) by many due to her noble character (Proverbs 31:10).  The passage also tells us this woman is worth far more than rubies (which of the time, was worth more than any other precious stone), and not a speck of it is because she has great hair.  I could go on for days about women in the bible, I love to study them.  At the end of the day, it's just hair.  It's not eternal, it doesn't come with me into God's Kingdom when God calls me home.  I may not even lose any of my hair, we just don't know as of yet how tough the side effects may be.  But, I'm so grateful for what God can teach me through this time about Himself, and about His eternal beauty - and where it comes from.  My hope is in Him, and so is my heart and anything else about me.

Tomorrow is another day at the hospital, when I sit down with my oncologist and go over all the paperwork for treatment.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Please pray for this meeting and this appointment to be used for God's glory, and for God to stomp out any fears before they start.  It is always a lot of information, and I pray it all goes smoothly.  I'll learn more about side effects, the drugs, how it will all impact my life moving forward, etc.  SO grateful for your prayers, and for your willingness to let God use you!

Midnight Mish Mash of My Mind

So I have a confession to make, I'm trying to write my blog entries earlier than 11pm - and so far I'm failing miserably!  It just always seems easiest to write out the inner workings of my mind late at night.  Those who know me can tell you that I'm a verbal processor, and you who chooses to read this - receives a mere snapshot of the internal mish mash churning through my head painted out on to my personal blog.  Half the time these blogs help ME understand what I'm weathering - with cancer and with God, however I do pray consistently for each word to be submitted for God's glory having an eternal purpose.

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. - Ephesians 6:19-20, NIV

As for a medical update, I've spent a good deal of time on the phone trying to get a neurology consult which was ordered by my.....um, well I'm not sure what kind of doctor he is, but Dr. W is overseeing my rehabilitation and he referred me to a neurologist for a consult on leg pain and nerve issues.  It's quite interesting, a lot of the folks who seem to work the desks at these places appear to become so desensitized to dealing with sick people.  I ask for no special treatment of course, but I watch and hear them (not judging, just observing) in helping people get their appointments and direct them where they need to go.  Half the time it feels like the twilight zone because you meet with a doctor, they drop some bad news on you (like a personal Hiroshima disaster) with no warning and they don't skip a beat, they just keep on talking.  And you think, "wait, I think that was a big deal, right?  Did they just say....?  No, can't be that, they would have made a bigger deal out of it....but really?  They did say......"  Then you go on your way, and most of the time the scheduling people go about their job like clock work - get you in and out, no questions asked.  Just another patient, part of the procedure.  I will say, not everyone is like that - but that's certainly how I felt today trying to get the neurology appointment.

A friend of mine compared it to a wedding once.....hilarious, I know!  (I was so not offended by this, just thought it was funny!)  You see, for the bride, it's her first and only wedding.  She needs a venue on a specific day.  They can't/won't give it to her.  So she says, "....but this is the day I need!  But I'm getting married!  This is my wedding!" But alas, the scheduler will not compromise.  It's like a doctor's appointment.  "I need to see the neurologist before January 7." And the scheduler says, "I'm sorry ma'am, we're booked through February.  You'll have to find another doctor or get your referral doctor to make a personal call, then we might be able to double book you with another patient." Then for me, "....but I start treatment on January 7, I've already been in pain and discomfort, I can't wait until February.  What do I do?"  Alas, another opportunity for patience and practicing contentment.

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe. - Philippians 2:14-15, NIV

Nonetheless, I sign the official papers at 1pm on December 18 to proceed with treatment.  It appears I will be taking off of work the month of January, which was strongly recommended by my oncologist and my boss agrees that it would be the best course of action.  I love what I do and love the people I work with, so that will be tough, but I know it will take a lot of pressure off of everyone and I can focus on getting well.  My friend Sara has set up a spreadsheet of people to take me to treatment each day for four weeks, since I have to be at the Cancer Institute everyday.  I know not everyone is super comfortable being around cancer patients, so if people don't want to step in and help out, I totally understand.  It can be a lot to take in, and can be overwhelming for people, often at times it is a lot for anyone to process.  It's a packed room at the Infusion Center in the Cancer Institute, and we're only allowed one visitor to come with us while we sit in a hospital bed being pumped full of drugs via an IV.  Some people get bored, so they recommend bringing a book, an iPod, games, magazines, etc.  All the patients have compromised immunity, myself included (which is expected to worsen once the treatment starts), and so visitors cannot be feeling sick (no cough, no cold, no fever, no sniffles, etc.).  However, I do believe this is an environment primed and ripe for the loving gospel of Jesus Christ.

While I'm there, please pray for God to use me as a light. Pray for God to use me (and maybe visitors too!) as His hands and feet, to be loving and compassionate examples of God's kindness. Specifically this verse for my life:

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. - Matthew 5:15-16, NIV

A diagnosis, or any life changing event can often get a person thinking about the 30,000 foot view of their life.  I haven't had too much of this, though lately as I've been reading through Psalms and the book of Hosea - I've been taking a step back and looking at the big picture of my life before God.  To be honest, I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else right now.  I know God has me in Washington, DC for a purpose, even at the very hospital I'm at, and especially He has me at Capitol Hill Baptist for a purpose.  Anyone that knows me, knows I absolutely LOVE the state of Texas (I've had family living and buried there for some 60 years).  I miss it all the time.  But I've always known I'd end up living and working here in DC, and certainly not because of politics. I wouldn't even really consider myself a political person.  It's like I've had this love/hate relationship with Washington, DC.  I left like a stressed out and hurt girlfriend of Washington, DC in 2006, knowing God would most likely bring me back here again someday for His glory.  And He did just that.  I'm not sure we can ever know every step of what God has ahead for us, I'm pretty sure we can't.  Why?  Because we wouldn't need faith, we have to trust Him - and that means not knowing what tomorrow will hold for us.  I can't say I'll stay in Washington, DC forever, who knows, none of us can even really say we'll wake up tomorrow, but I do know God holds our future.

I've come to recognize more clearly that we only get one life.  Just one.  But I don't believe living life under extreme pressure that you can make a "wrong" decision is any way to please God either.  He is on the throne, not us, thankfully.  We can spend most of our lives overanalyzing, overthinking, overstressing about the non-eternal decisions we make, only to find the unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves to make decisions becomes too great, so we make NO decisions at all.  If our heart is for Him, we can trust that He provides His wisdom should we ask for it.  I can live in Texas or I can live in Washington, DC - neither one would be sinning, of course, but I do have the choice.  Today, my choice is to serve God here in Washington, DC with everything He has given me, including cancer, and hope He uses it where ever He wants to - including Texas, or where ever.  Our stories are not contained by physical boundaries, as His glory can never be contained by human perimeters.  We have the opportunity to deny ourselves and stand in the gap for those who need His love most.  We can allow His love to move us into action, to jump in head first and not let our brothers and sisters go down without a fight, without a love that fights, without a love that fights for them.

Anyhow, I'll sign off now, after unloading another midnight blog of my ever so limited mind.  My favorite quote today was one I read from a former elder of my church:

"People are people, not projects. Make sure your motive in evangelism and discipleship is love." -- Garret Kell, Pastor of Del Ray Baptist Church

So thankful for your prayers!  Praying for you - who reads this!

Back To The Hospital

I walked in the sliding doors and saw a new group of waiting sick people, a lot of them looked really sad.  This time I was at the National Rehabilitation Hospital for follow-up health after my last surgery with hopes to regain full mobility in my left arm, my first time back in a hospital after vacation.  I met a new set of nurses and doctors, as well as hospital staff.  It was interesting to me, a lot of the patients at the other two hospitals seemed in different spirits than the ones at the rehabilitation hospital.  Perhaps they have been working at rehabilitating from major surgeries for quite some time, and it is easy to just get tired and worn down.  I'm not too sure.  I filled out a new load of paperwork, and went on back to meet a new doctor (for those of you keeping track at home, this is my 9th doctor to add to the collection - if you don't count the second opinion guy).

Dr. W (I seriously can't pronounce his last name) tested me for lymphadema and host of other ailments. I tested "ok" for lymphadema, which is apparently a condition you can develop after you've had massive chunks of your lymphatic system removed.  It causes major swelling in the area of where you've had lymph nodes removed (for me, it would be my left arm).  While I don't have it now, I was told that I am most at risk for developing lymphadema between 6-12 months after surgery.  He also went on to explain that the lymphatic system helps the body to fight infection, so my immunity will be permanently "injured" from here on out and stressed the need to take extra care of the left side of my body against germs, infection, etc.  Basically, if I get any kind of cut or open wound in the region of my lymph nodes were removed, I have to take extra care and have it examined by a doctor (he even said to be extra careful with manicures, argh!).  

More recently, I've been focusing on casting my anxieties and cares on the Lord.  All of this can be incredibly overwhelming at times, not to mention the regular ups and downs of regular life.  I'm no superwoman, I utterly need God's help to do everything and anything.  

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. - Psalm 55:22, NIV

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7, NIV (emphasis added mine)

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. - Psalm 94:19, NIV

There are times when the prognosis is troubling, and there are times where I'm more aware of the cross it is to bear.  However, I do trust that God would not allow any of this unless it was for my good - and His.  God IS in control, always.  I trust that He will bring beauty out of it, and my hope is that He will bring my heart out of it a more pure heart which resembles His heart even more.  To marvel at the truth, "he cares for me" is a big statement from a God with a HUGE heart.  And to know He consoles me, and He has promised to sustain me.  These are not small promises, and God is not a small God.  

As a prayer request, I ask that you please pray for me to get rest.  Though I slept wonderfully in Hawaii, since returning the sleepless nights have returned as well.  Today the doctor referred me to a neurologist for some leg pain and nerve issues to do with not sleeping well (since these problems have only started post-surgery), so not sure what will come of that but hopefully it can help me to get some quality sleep.  Or the other solution is to simply move to Hawaii.....since I slept so good there!  Ha, just kidding! ...but tempting!

Also, I did want to mention something that has been on my heart lately as a few people have been asking me, "what seems to help you?" and likewise, "what seems to not help you?"  Although, I'd say considering my conversations with other cancer patients, there seems to be a consensus among us.  One of the best ways you can love a cancer patient, is to NOT offer free unsolicited, medical advice.  The best way I can explain it is to say, when you are diagnosed, your mind takes on a million different trains of thought.  Half the time you are trying to simply learn what it is you have been diagnosed with, and the other part of the time you are trying to understand the course of treatment from doctors and how you got sick in the first place.  In the beginning, you have about 4-5 doctors explaining different facets of treatment and ordering numerous tests, surgeries, biopsies, bloodwork, etc.  And it's all done very quickly.  So, all that to say, the thought of trying to take on different therapies, treatments, diets, courses of action, machines, etc. is so incredibly overwhelming for a sick person.  It puts a person in overload.  Now I do understand that at times friends/family are just as fearful as the patient, and when people are afraid they want to take control.  And when they take control, one of the ways people do that is to research on their own and find medical solutions for their loved one no matter what they may be.  It is heartfelt and considerate, but from experience, I can say it usually only adds stress to a cancer patient.  

So what can you do to not feel helpless if someone you love is sick and fighting a fatal illness?  Pray.  Please, please, please do not think prayer doesn't do anything.  Please know that if you pray, this is THE best and most pro-active action item you can do for someone, not to mention it is incredibly loving.  So many times, I've become convinced that when we care - we think we have to do something tangible.  We think we have to feel it, touch it, hold it out and wrap it up with a bow and give it to someone for them to see that we did something to ease their fears, to ease their pain.  But what I'm saying is there is something much greater, that has an eternal value with no shelf life.  Please just pray.  If it helps, write them a note or an email letting them know you prayed for them.  Trust me, this goes a VERY long way.  You could even take further stress off of them by letting them know they don't have to write you back, encourage them to rest (think about it - if you were a patient and got 47 of these emails, trying to respond to each of them can take an entire day which can get tiring).  

For myself, and I've probably said this before, the most loving thing someone can do for me is to pray for me.  Even if they offer to come over or pray WITH me on the phone, this does wonders and continuously helps me put my future and my life in God's hands.  There is no substitute for God our Healer.  And the more you care for someone by praying for them, it will only strengthen YOUR relationship with God in the process.  You become a tool used by Him for His glory alone, you become a part of the victory, and you are a warrior for the King Himself.  What greater honor!?  Even Jesus, the night He was taken captive to be crucified, stopped and prayed.

They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to His disciples, "Sit here while I pray." - Matthew 14:32, NIV

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. - Ephesians 6:18, NIV

I thank you ahead of time for your prayers.  For taking the time to care out of compassion and kindness, to seek our Father on my behalf.  Please know if you are taking the time to read this, I'm so grateful for your heartfelt concern and graciousness.  God is so good to want to use you in my life!  God has graciously used you to meet needs that I have, and to not have to weather this storm alone - but with you and with Him.  Thank you!!  A cancer patient is not a charity case or a cause, but another human being with feelings, in need just like you and me.  We all have needs, and weaknesses, and some level of poverty (albeit physical, emotional, or spiritual) that God graciously responds to meet in us.  Taking the time to care, to encourage, to PRAY, to lift up and build up a person in need for His glory - regardless of their ailment - pours living water on a parched soul.  Grateful for you, and grateful for His grace - and even more grateful for what He may have ahead for His glory.

Aloha, & Mahalo!

First of all, I got back from Hawaii today.  It's great to see friends again, and call them in the same time zone of course, but I definitely have to say I'm going to miss waking up to the face of God in Waikiki Beach each morning!  So, to zip through the usual questions:

Q: "How was it?"
A: It was amazing!  I had SUCH a fun and relaxing time!  It's always touches my heart to see God knowing what I need, and taking it upon Himself to meet that need.  I slept well each night I was in Waikiki Beach, and without the help of any prescriptions!  This is a massive relief for me, as I had such trouble sleeping before going on the trip and doctors were getting concerned that if I wasn't getting enough sleep then my body wouldn't heal the way it needed.  Hopefully I stay on this path!  I had such great quiet times with the Lord by reading His word, journaling, and spending a good deal of time in prayer.  God is just so beautiful and so loving, I felt like Daddy's little princess each day (I do in DC too most of the time, but this was just God showing off!).  I'm just so, so thankful!

Q: "How are you feeling?"
A: Feeling pretty good at the moment.  Believe it or not, I DID go surfing!  (This verse sums it up:  Psalm 18:29)  I decided to take a lesson the first day in case I needed any help paddling (the instructor would tow me in or out to the wave break) and just to see how it felt.  The first time pushing myself up on the board stung a bit, so I just had to take my time a little more than usual.  The paddling wasn't too bad, but if it's not something you do on a regular basis - you WILL get sore after a day or two or paddling.  Needless to say, I'm super sore but the really good news is that my left arm has nearly gained full range of motion back!  So, while I may have been pushing myself by surfing, it really has helped me use my arm more and hopefully physical therapy won't have to be as extensive now.  As far as energy level, I'm tired at the moment!  But I'm hoping all will stay just fine until I have to begin treatment on January 7.

I will say that there were days where I would completely forget about being a cancer patient all together for HOURS at a time, and I would completely forget about upcoming treatment.  I also noticed myself not overly focusing on any dreams or desires I have for myself, and I attribute this to quiet times I had with the Lord leading up to the trip.  You see, I've surrendered EVERYTHING to the Lord.  Now, this doesn't mean I don't have desires at all;  my desires simply are not demands on God, and they are desires for His glory - no matter the cost.  I believe if we are not careful, our desires morph into demands we put on God and eventually bitterness as opposed to humble requests we submit to God for His glory alone.  The minute I decided to serve the Lord and spend my life in His footsteps to be like Him, my dreams become property of the Lord.  There are times in my walk with God when I look back and notice Him having to pry things or ideas from my tightly clenched fists, but once they were gone I could only experience freedom.  The freedom I live in at this very moment is from not holding fast to anything but God.  Everything in my life is His, and everything He wants to do with my life is up to Him.  Everything.

Interestingly enough, my friend told me about a man who has terminal brain cancer who is a believer and may have mere months to live.  The man had said the diagnosis was much tougher on his wife, but to be honest, he had never felt closer to God than he does now in his final months.  He said he didn't even know life with God could be so amazing this side of heaven.  I relate to this all too well.  When we hold loosely to our lives and our "stuff" acknowledging that it all belongs to God anyway, it is then we are truly free in Him.  We can never lose anything, only gain.  I pray this makes sense to you, as it is something I've been continuously having to learn and grasp.  To be honest, I've never felt more free.  As I've often mentioned, when I take my eyes off my King and put them on me, myself, or I - it is then that I find myself full of anxiety, worry, anger, self-pity, insecurity, etc.

No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame...." - Psalm 25:3a, NIV

All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant. - Psalm 25:10, NIV

As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. - James 5:11, NIV

In the eyes of the Kingdom, I feel so small and recognize myself as small because my Father is so big (John 3:30).  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I serve the One who does.  With my survival rate at 62-74% of seeing my 40th birthday, I'm flooded with the reminder that not even one of us has a guarantee of living another 10 years - anything can happen.  The only difference between you and me, is at this moment in time, I may have medical knowledge of my own statistics.  We are not promised tomorrow, not one of us.  While I encourage you - and myself - to wait upon the Lord (Psalm 33:20), don't waste what you have in front of you today.  I'm encouraged to love deeper, give bigger, watch TV less, take more time to rest, let the little stuff roll off my shoulders, and seek Him every second I am able.  It's ALL because God is so gracious.

I'm constantly encouraged by my brothers and sisters in Christ, and their own relationships with Jesus Christ - and this trip was another wonderful example (and blessing!) of that encouragement.  I'm beyond grateful for your prayers, and for God's divine appointments. I leave you with a scene of Waikiki Beach that took my breath away, if this picture even does His handiwork justice:

The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters. - Psalm 24:1-2, NIV