Life Goes On

So the truth is, I've sat down to write this blog entry a few times, and have erased and edited over and over.  I don't want this to sound like complaining, but in all honesty, I'm really so tired of having cancer.  (There is more to life than symptoms and cancer drugs, than hospitals and needles)  Ugh, I know, and in the grand scheme of life, cancer is really nothing in comparison to the sufferings of Christ.   At some point, I will get on with my life - so why not now?  Granted, my life will never be the same, but I have to know that God is at work (as He always is) to make something beautiful out of what we tend to think is tragic.  I have a week of treatment left, and most likely a recovery week to follow to allow the drugs to leave my system (to regain my full appetite, strength, etc.).  

I came home from treatment Friday, and felt too fatigued so I fell asleep for a few hours.  Weathering treatment is just never fun.  As suspected this past week brought many of the side effects similar with starting the drug in the first place.  However, the oncologist only put me on 2/3 of the dose since my liver enzymes were still too high on Monday though they were close to being "normal" (they were at 73 and 42, and they need to be at 50 or lower).  Prayerfully, my liver enzymes stay low by the time they run a blood test again on Monday.  Wednesday night was the worst with fever, aches, shakes, pains, etc.  Thankfully, the Lord graciously brought me through it, and with the help of kind friends.  I've been absolutely awful at returning emails, phone calls, messages, etc. lately so if you fall into that category, I'm super sorry!  It's not personal, I promise. I've been kind of exhausted, and was getting back to normal last weekend and then started treatment all over again on Tuesday.

My birthday is coming up, and I've even forgotten about it most of the time.  I have no clue what I should do for it, ideas?!

The Lord has really been teaching me patience and hope in this season, which is probably super obvious - but it was less obvious to me, believe it or not.  A friend of mine recently quoted this verse:

...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:31, NIV

I've read this verse before, and I've really struggled at knowing exactly what it means to put our hope in the Lord.  How do I put my hope in something?  I can hope for something to happen, but how do I put my hope in Someone?  It had all been so confusing to me, and I can't even promise 100% that I have it all figured out (can anyone?).  But what I can say is hope is an anchor, and my God is a gracious Giver of hope.  Ironically, so much of my reading has been about hope, but completely unplanned to be about hope.  In that, I believe God shows me more about Himself.  To hope in Him, is to have a secure rock that will never be shaken.

I am hopeful.  And I bow in patience to waiting for this storm to pass.  But believe me, once this storm has passed, and the clear skies emerge, I will not forget those who have sat next to me in the trenches in the dark hours of night.  It takes a selfless love, that only comes from a loving God, to weather these kinds of storms in a proverbial downpour when you have no idea if the storm will get worse or let up.  And I believe that selfless love becomes even more evident when we don't give up and leave just because the storm is over.  It has become so clear to me that we all do in fact, belong to each other.  Overall, this entire experience - when it comes to others - I think has taught me how to love better, act out of compassion, know my limits (I can't 'save' everyone), and the most challenging - it has taught me how to simply receive blessing.  It's not easy to let yourself be served by others, and I'm thankful for the humbling experience.

All the members do not have the same function, so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. - Romans 12:4-5, NKJV

For now, I have one more week to get through.  Five more IVs and needles to endure, liver health permitting.  Life goes on.  When all of this is over, and aside from a relaxing beach vacation, I hope to have a nice glass of red wine and some Godiva dark chocolate.....finally!  Here we go, week four!

Back to Treatment

I've become convinced that another necessary item for anyone going through cancer is humor.  Plain and simple.  At the risk of sounding not hyper spiritual, I believe God has gifted us with joy in the form of humor as evidence of His kindness.  Laughing just helps.  Having friends to laugh with is even better.  Having friends to make you laugh probably just makes Satan really mad.  I've heard the old cliche that "laughter is the best medicine" and I don't know how true it is, but laughing is just fun and doesn't cost any money (most of the time).

God trusts us all with different things, different spiritual gifts that He gives us to glorify Him.  God has allowed for me to have cancer, and I pray that I'm glorifying Him as I weather this storm.  God allows everything for our good (Romans 8:28) ultimately, and I believe God gives us the gift of humor as being no different.  It may all sound like one big Hallmark card, but I believe there is a joy, a gift - if you will, that occurs when the Christ in me recognizes the Christ in you.  And in this exchange, we can sense an ever present help in trouble as Christ promises us (Psalm 46:1).  It's as if God reaches His hand down, gives you a breath of hope in the form of a smile and pulls you out of the pit Himself.  Finding this joy, this hope, in the midst of suffering is a blessing and is an evidence of trusting God Himself.  Easy?  No.  But God loves you more than life itself, and loves you enough to give you the gift of Himself.  I see gifts from Him in so many ways, and have lately seen it in the form of friends and just laughing.

Tomorrow I head back to the hospital for a full day.  I start physical therapy at 8am, then I have an oncology appointment at 11am, then blood tests again, and then depending on the results of the test I may have treatment tomorrow afternoon.  I haven't had any cancer fighting drugs since Friday January 11th, my liver has not been able to handle it.  The oncologist took me off of the drugs to let my liver enzymes decline back to normal levels, and he expects by tomorrow that I should be able to endure the treatment regimen again.  It's been kind of nice to have my appetite restored, to get out of the house, and to just get outside and enjoy the day.  But starting the drugs over again will mean the return of harsh fevers, aches/pains, nausea, and the potential of liver problems again.  The nights are usually worse than the days, so I will need to brace myself for some long nights.  My sorority little sister, Courtney, has come to stay with me this week to take care of me.  In college, you certainly never expect for your sorority sisters to ever have to come take care of you while you have cancer.....at age 30.  However, I'm truly blessed.

I certainly am not perfect at weathering this all the time, I'm not sure any of us know anyone that is.  There are some days when being strong is just hard, and I realize I'm doing it more in my strength than His - which is why it gets hard.  There are days when I just need someone else to come alongside of me to be stronger because I feel so weak spiritually and emotionally.  Being physically weak is not as tough, often when I'm most physically weak I find myself most dependent on Christ.  I suppose that's how it is supposed to be though!  There are days when I wish I could just go for a run, go skiing, go horseback riding, go surfing, or do something outdoors probably because I spend so much time within the walls of a hospital and/or my own room.  However, I pray that the time I have been given to just rest in Him is not wasted.  I pray I'm using it for His glory, even if it is resting and/or seeking Him in the privacy of my own room.

I'm often amazed at the examples of God's kindness in the bible, and He continues to be the same God of kindness today.

He gives his king great victories; he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed, to David and his descendants forever. - 2 Samuel 22:51, IV

....God's kindness leads you toward repentance. - Romans 2:4, NIVb

Jesus is my magnificent obsession, and is my everything.  I am so thankful for His kindness evidenced through friends, and through the joy and humor they bring to my life.  God's grace has been overflowing from my cup.  Tomorrow will bring more needles, and undoubtedly my prognosis has declined due to not being able to complete the full course of treatment, I ultimately can have faith that my God is so much bigger than any statistics or prognosis we (as finite human beings) can think up.  He decides how many days we get, and how many breaths we take.  For that, I am thankful, and so blessed by His kindness.  

Treatment Suspended, Seriously Liver!?

So, today my oncologist has decided to suspend my treatment for two days due to the results of my blood tests.  The doctor ordered blood tests to be taken once a week, and today the test revealed that I my liver enzymes were way too high and my blood platelets were too low.  The normal range for liver enzymes are 3-41, and mine were 210-220.  Meanwhile, the normal range for blood platelets are 145-400, and mine were at 115.  All the nuts and bolts get way more complicated, and even I don't understand what all this means, but my oncologist has taken me off of treatment for today and tomorrow to allow my liver to have a break.  They will be doing blood tests again on Wednesday and if they come back normal (usually takes 1-2 hours), then they'll resume with treatment on Wednesday - otherwise, they are going to wait until Friday to test me again.

I don't have liver disease nor is my liver failing, but it is painful to be having liver issues.  My kidneys are fine now, but it has been challenging.  I've lost a lot of my appetite to eat and drink anything, mainly because my stomach has been very slow at processing anything since my liver is not functioning normally.  Typically when people have liver disease, they will get nausea and stomach problems also (some stomach swelling) - and I have these symptoms, which the hospital staff are monitoring to make sure I don't develop liver disease.  So the good news is, my body gets a break and I get to be "normal" until Wednesday.  The bad news is, the more days I don't have treatment, then my prognosis declines.  Extending treatment is not option, according to my oncologist.  

As far as prayers, please pray that my liver returns to normal, and for my blood platelets to return to normal as well.  I've been bruising easier than normal lately due to the blood platelets being low, so hopefully that will be restored by Wednesday also.  

If one falls down, his friend can help him up.  But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.  But how can one keep warm alone? - Ecclesiastes 4:10-11, NIV

I'm just so grateful for my friends, my family, my church, my employer, and even total strangers that have been seeking the Lord on my behalf - and for the selfless love given to me in this season to make my life easier.  I know this is somewhat of a quick update, but please know God has been so faithful and God has been so gracious.  God is sovereign over these blood tests, and nothing surprises Him.  Our days on earth are numbered by Him alone, and He is more than trustworthy!

Day 3: Interferon

So I just got home from my third day of receiving Interferon (Intron A) via IV at the hospital to fight malignant melanoma cancer.  So far, the nights have been the worst part.  I've had skyrocketing fever, nausea, aches/pains (to the point where it hurts for my pajamas and socks to touch my skin), chills (I'm freezing and burning up at the same time), and having some kidney issues.  It hurts a lot, but I'm trying to keep in mind that it's just one day at a time and anything is possible with God.  

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26, NIV

We've been having problems with the peripheral IVs.  After the first night, I had tried to wash my hair, and when I came to get my treatment - the IV had bent so bad, it burned when they tried to inject the saline solution.  They took the IV out, and this is what it looked like:

Ouch.  (It's supposed to be straight, like a straw)  So they used a different one yesterday, and I was able to hang on to that one throughout last night although it kinked today.  The nurse took it out after treatment today so I can shower/bathe like a normal person tonight, then they'll put a new one in my right arm tomorrow.  We may do a pic-line, which would stay in the rest of the month, though I'm kind of nervous about it.  

I'm truly depending on God, and prayer.  Your prayers mean the world to me, so thank you so much.  Even when I'm down for the count and want to give up, to know people are praying for me really encourages me to keep going.  God is using you in my life!  

Mom made chicken soup for tonight, and I'm about to load up on my round of meds for the night and hope the fever will stay manageable, the pain will be minimal, and the nausea will be tolerable.  My oncologist stopped by today and was somewhat concerned about the kidney pain, and is running a test on my kidney functions.  He said the first few days are the worst, so I reallllllllllly hope he means that.  He's a great doctor, and if you feel compelled, you can pray for my doctors by name:

Dr. Jang - Oncologist

Dr. Venna - Oncological Dermatologist

Dr. Bijelic - Oncological Surgeon

Dr. Witsotsky - Rehabilitation Physician

Dr. Stanford - Primary Care

Dr. Lin - Neurologist

My nurse's name is also Christina, she's very sweet.  Please pray for her also, as she is the one administering my drugs each day and responsible for putting the IVs in my arm.  Today I took the IV stand for a walk through the chemo/immuno room, just to stretch my legs.  It's so weird wheeling that thing around, but it was nice to walk and to smile at the other patients who probably feel just as wiped out as I do.  I also made a friend yesterday.  To protect her identity, her name is Marla, and she was diagnosed while she was pregnant with stage 4 melanoma.  In fact, different to my journey, there was NO evidence of cancer in her lymph nodes, it traveled to her lungs through her blood stream and she went from stage 2 to stage 4 overnight back in October.  Her treatment is different than mine since she has three tumors on her lungs, but we have the same doctors.  We sat next to each other at treatment yesterday and I met her husband.  It was very encouraging, and I shared how God has really shepherded me through this process.  Here are two pics from today:

I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.....When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?  "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' - Matthew 25:36, 39-40, NIV

I'm just so grateful for those who have been willing to serve the Lord by caring for me, guarding me, praying for me, showing compassion, revealing God's kindness.... please know I draw nearer to the Lord because of you.  I know there are still rough days ahead, even tonight as the drugs set in.  On a more fun note, I ordered a travel sized set of checkers game to play with whoever happens to be with me at treatment as a fun way to pass the time.  It's the little things, right?!  I wish there was something I could do back for everyone, something big, but in the meanwhile, I'm so thankful for your patience and grace as you join me in weathering this storm.  

I Survived the First Day

It was a lot like the first day of grade school, though I'm sure that's not what my Mom was thinking.  I was trying to pick out just the right outfit.  I wanted to be comfortable, but not mis-matched (yes, I'm a girl!  Fighting cancer or not, plaid just doesn't go with stripes!).  I thought about putting on some make-up but remembered I had a full body tumor/skin exam after treatment and they'd just make me remove my make-up anyway.  I wasn't sure what to expect as far as what side effects I would experience, though I was familiar with many of them that could happen.  Would the people be nice?  Would I like my chemo/immuno room neighbors?  I put a bag together (thanks to Bloomberg News for supplying an awesome bag!) of my lap top, a couple books, my journal, my bible, crackers, a banana, water, iPod, and a National Geographic magazine to take with me.  My sweet friend Amy had made me an amazing care package, so I had added some items from her gift, so fun!

I walked up to the Cancer Institute, it was all very surreal.  I had heard about this day for a while now, the first day of treatment.  Still, I thought, "this is so weird....I'm 30 years old, how do I have cancer?"  It was more of a rhetorical question, but I'm still so incredibly thankful for God's kindness.  It's been on my heart to pray for peace a lot lately, so I've been meditating on John 14:27 a lot today:  Peace I leave you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  I was reminded that my life is but a vapor, a short time here to love as He loves and to bring Him glory.  My Mom and I prayed briefly in the waiting room, and I'm beginning to think that is pretty common to see.  Praise the Lord!

The nurse came over and put a few hospital bracelets on my wrist with barcodes, then I was escorted back to station 17 where I'd be spending my day.  It feels a bit like the first class cabin on a large airplane.  These huge seats recline, there are a number of beds for sick people, and everyone gets a curtain to have some privacy.  There is even a little cart with wheels that comes through the hallway handing out salads, sandwiches, and beverages at lunch time.  Thankfully my nurse admitted she was not a good "stick" (not good at getting needles in the appropriate vein for intravenous drugs), and so she had her fellow nurse, Theresa, do it.  However, the nurse blew out my first vein, so I'll have a black and blue mark for a while - but she got it on the second try.  (It's gotten to the point where I can point to the exact spots on my arm for the nurse to insert a needle)  She secured the peripheral IV which is to stay in my arm for 3-5 days, then they switch it out for a new one.  So as I type this, I have an IV tube taped to my arm!  An oncological dietician came by and gave me some information, then told me whenever I'm hungry, I need to eat.  I'm expected to lose my appetite as my neutrophil count drops (those are a type of white blood cell), and I need to eat anytime I feel any kind of hungry.  I'm also supposed to drink LOTS of fluids.

The nurse ran fluids in me for about 1-2 hours, then added the Intron A drug.  Within 10 minutes I started feeling the effects, how weird is that?!  I got a raging headache, then just sort of felt like I'd been hit by a bus.  Bright light seemed to make it worse, and I got a teeny bit nauseous.  I went down for my oncological dermatology exam afterwards, which seemed to go well.  Dr. Venna wants to do a follow-up in a month on one suspicious area, but no biopsies will be done while I'm on Intron A (since immunity will be low).

So, how am I doing now?  Well, I feel pretty crummy.  I came home and ate some mac n' cheese (white cheddar, yum!), then took a long nap.  I'll be back at the hospital again tomorrow morning at 9:30 am for the same treatment, minus the oncological dermatology exam.  I feel pretty tired, still fighting the headache even after taking some medication, a bit nauseous, and just achey.  It's crazy how such a small bag of drugs can be so powerful to the human body.

Seriously though, the way people have shown up in my life to "suffer with" me has been an incredible blessing.  I wish there was some big way I could just thank everyone.  Is there an airplane for hire so I can write it in the sky!?  God has not only revealed His goodness and kindness to me through people who are willing to selflessly serve me and care for me, even when I can't care for myself - but God has shown me how a level of empathy that He gives, that I have often failed to give to others in my life.  You see, it is easy to swoop in a person's life and do something big or say something awesome, and swoop back out.  On the flip side, when you never hear from these "quick care givers" again, it has a tendency to make the person receiving care like a charity case or a "social cause" or something related.  I have so done this on the mission field.  I've swooped in to care for orphans, refugees, and/or widows;  and swooped back out with a few written letters here and there, without major investment or commitment to "suffer with" these people that God calls me to love.  Out of repentance, I ask God to show me how to love better, love deeper, and love with more selflessness.  Loving others should be less about me and how I feel from it, and more about making the care recipient feel loved as a way to know God's love.  I believe I've had glimpses of this, with good intentions, but to truly give compassion and be invested in the lives of others is an action of love that I believe God is so serious about.  I'm so blessed to receive care and compassion from such amazing brothers and sisters in the Lord, as well as many friends and family.  I'm just so grateful for their example, and the amazing prayers lifted on my behalf.  Anyhow, God continues to mold my heart (as He does with all of us) into what He desires, and I've realized that God is even closer to us when He is pruning our lives for His glory.  Thankfully!

Side note:  if anyone plans on being a visitor or coming to treatment, avoid wearing any perfumes, smelly lotions, or any type of smell induced item (i.e. don't make a sandwich with fish or onions and bring it, I almost got in trouble for that! ha!).  Chemo/immuno patients have heightened sense of smell, so the smells often make them nauseous - myself included.  Weird I know, but just part of it I guess!

So thankfully for your prayers, compassion, support, GRACE, patience, care, and love!  Praying God blesses you richly, and draws you closer to Him as He does with me.

Countdown to January 7th

Well hello 2013!  It's here and January 7th is rapidly approaching.  I haven't posted a pic in a while, so here is a fun pic from New Years Eve as I rang in the New Year with a wonderful group of girlfriends who love Jesus (I'm in bottom center, long blond hair):

Today I finished up my first round of blood and enzyme testing, which the hospital will be doing each week (or maybe twice a week) once Monday arrives.  The blood and enzyme testing allows my oncologist to keep up with my white blood cell count and liver enzymes.  If they get too low, the oncologist has to take action.  In reality, they are expected to become very low, but I guess he has to monitor it for a number of reasons.  On Friday, I have a neurology check-up on the nerve issues I've been having post-surgery (the last one).  I'm set to begin treatment at 9:30 am on January 7th, and I'll have to stay there for a few hours as the nurses/doctors at the Infusion Center (that's what they call the chemo/immuno room) have to make sure I do not have any negative reactions to the drugs.  After they let me go, I have to go downstairs to my oncological dermatology check up with Dr. Venna.  This appointment will be an important one, as he is expected to check me over for any cancerous or tumor development on my skin.  Last time (October 3rd), he marked down a couple suspicious areas and I'm sure he'll revisit those to make sure melanoma isn't surfacing in other areas of my body - especially my left arm (since I now have no lymph nodes to help fight it).  I have to have oncological dermatology check-ups every 2-3 months for the next 2 years, so here we go!

A lot of this can be overwhelming at times, as I'm sure I've mentioned that.  Trying to determine how this all fits in with my life can be a major challenge.  Ironically, three of my doctors have said I must have a low stress environment throughout this month.  Hopefully everything will run smoother than this past week, when I got a flat tire!  I know these things happen, and I'm learning to just take a deep breath and roll with it.  A friend of mine once said while in Hawaii when discussing my diagnosis, "Life goes on."  How true!  Bottom line, the world will most likely not end tomorrow and I will get with God and take on the day.  My relationship with the Lord is such a deep relationship, we have good days and bad days, but I know He is always there and as I reach out to Him, He reaches out to me.  God couldn't have been more vulnerable with me as He was when He laid His only Son on the cross for me, and the amazing part is that He would have done it even if I was the only one who needed saving.  In return, I've come to sincerely appreciate and long for the moments when I can be utterly vulnerable before God - just laying all my stuff out there for Him to see.  He knows it all anyway, but there is just such a deep relationship that occurs when I go to Him with everything, and anything.  I can tell Him I'm scared, I can tell Him I'm confused, I can tell Him I'm hurting, I can tell Him I'm excited, I can tell Him I feel exhausted, I can tell Him I'm stressed, I can tell Him I'm overwhelmed, I can tell Him I can't wait to see what He has planned, I can tell Him I need Him, I can tell Him I don't understand why He loves me so much, and the list goes on.  Authenticity.  What a cherished fruit we have in relationship with God!

So, last week when I had physical therapy, the physical therapist explained to me a few life changes that have to occur:

* I must avoid sunburns, saunas, and hot tubs (no extreme temperatures)

* I can no longer have shots, bloodwork, injections done on my left arm

* If I get any cuts, insect bites, or animals scratches on my left arm, I have to seek treatment immediately

* I must avoid carrying heavy purses, handbags, grocery bags, or suitcases on my left side

* I must avoid tight wrist bands, jewelry, or blood pressure cuffs on my left arm

To be honest, I'm not super fantastic at following all these "rules" as at times, I just have to make due with what I have (carrying lap top, groceries, water jugs, suitcases).  I'm doing the best I can with what I have, and leaving the rest up to the Lord.  A few verses come to mind as I pray about trusting Him and having peace:

Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God and also in me. - John 14:1, NIV

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. - Proverbs 14:30, NIV

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. - John 14:27, NIV

It's all in His hands.  My Mom arrives on January 6th to be with me and to help me get through the first week of treatment.  I've mentioned the side effects before, and we can certainly pray (and have prayed) that there are none, and if they surface, we pray they are minimal.  I did learn recently though that hair loss is usually expected in the 3rd or 4th month of treatment, and it appears as though if it doesn't occur by the 6th month, then it usually won't occur.  So, we'll see what happens over time.  God has really provided some wonderful encouragement through friends on this topic, and I'm SO very grateful!  I mean it, I can't say enough just how encouraging it is to hear of people praying for me.  God really does use it to energize me to keep fighting, to get up when I don't think I can, to dust myself off if I'm feeling defeated, and to just keep my heart focused on His kindness.  

"There is a Heaven within the souls of the saints - that is a certain truth; no soul shall ever come to Heaven, but the soul which has Heaven come to it first. When you die, you hope you will go to Heaven; but if you will go to Heaven when you die, Heaven will come to you before you die." - Jeremiah Burroughs, from the book 'The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment', pg. 75