2012: He Makes All Things New

Every year, I start a new photo album on my Shutterfly account and give it a name with the year in the title.  Last year, just after New Years, I named the 2012 album "He Makes All Things New" which was from the bible verse:

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said "write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." - Revelation 21:5, NIV

At the time, I obviously had no idea what God had in store for 2012.  While 2012 could easily be one of the most challenging years of my life, I can look back and see how just about every area of my life changed.  My job changed, my church changed, where I live changed, I joined a different small group, I have a different roommate, and even the type of car I drive changed this year... my relationships changed, my health changed with a cancer diagnosis, and all of my belongings in storage finally moved up to Washington, DC from Houston, Texas so I could now sleep in a real bed after two years sleeping on an air mattress. (No complaint, after spending time on a mission field, your just happy to have a place to sleep, nothing fancy needed!)  Needless to say, in 2012, my whole life changed.  But one thing did not change:  God.

I the Lord do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. - Malachi 3:6, NIV

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. - James 1:17, NIV

I had no idea that God would literally make everything new in my life with all the changes that took place in 2012.  God even continuously renewed my heart to trust Him, follow Him, rest in Him, and to be content in Him.  I look back and am thankful God has been my constant, my Rock, my Redeemer, my best friend, and the One who never disappoints.  Even in the midst of the most painful changes and circumstances, and when I felt as though God was so distant at times, I truly see how He never ever left me for one second.  What a year.  What a year of growth and renewal, a year of sanctification and joy.

While I realize 2013 already comes with some serious challenges given I will be subject to intense treatments for cancer (especially in January with high dose Intron A), I choose to believe that the best is yet to come in 2013.  I realize the temptation to believe my world is coming down around me will be great at times as I sit in a hospital bed with extremely low immunity, liver enzymes all out of whack, and sick from all the drugs - but my hope is not in things of this world (including my health), my hope is my God.  I believe God can do things in my life that I never ever dreamed possible, He already has!  More importantly, God loves me (and you!) more than we can ever fathom as He displayed His love through His only Son on the cross.  I believe God when He says this:

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. - Ecclesiastes 3:11, NIV

I have no idea what God has in store for 2013, but I believe He makes EVERYTHING (He didn't say "just some things" but He said everything) beautiful in its time, in His time.  I cannot fathom what He will do in my life, or yours, this coming year.  But we can stand on the truth that He is faithful, and we can't be too quick to judge God before the story is over.  As for myself, this week brings another round of appointments:

Monday - Oncological Surgery follow-up
Wednesday - Blood & Enzyme Testing
Friday - Neurology
TBA - Oncological Dermatology check-up
TBA - Oncological Dietary Consult

(I list them out in the event you would like to pray specifically)  And some folks have been asking what I need as I enter treatment, and here is what I've been able to think of (in unranked order):

1) Spiritual Encouragement - a little goes a long way (bible verses, whatever God moves you to share)
2) Alleve - simple I know, haha, but the doctor said I will need this for aches/fever, etc at home
3) Fresh Fruit & Vegetables - I love fresh food (spinach, berries, apples, pineapple, cantaloupe, etc.)
4) Prayer - this is probably the biggest on the list, to know people are praying is a gift

I'm so grateful for your grace and compassion!  I learned this year that the Greek word for compassion means "to suffer with" and I'm so thankful for the compassion of those who are willing to give it.  Anyhow, I pray that God makes everything beautiful in its time for your 2013.  He redeems every tear, every ounce of suffering, nothing is wasted in the kingdom of God.  All joy is from Him, and I pray we all find ourselves resembling His character even more this time next year as we reflect before entering 2014.  All for His glory, for sanctification, and for His love!

MRI: The Mental Spacemountain

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. - 1 Thessalonians 2:8, NIV

You have become dear to me.  That being said, you.  You who pray for me, and who cares for me, I pray the gospel has reached you in some way.  The pure unadulterated gospel.  Not the "Snickers" candy bar version, but the actual meat and potatoes of the gospel (nothing against Snickers!).  I say this because YOU are dear to me, and I gladly share my life with you here on this very blog.  I pray for you, and for God's love to melt your heart as He has melted mine (and He continues to do so every day).  With my road being such a wobbly one in this season, I know the Lord's promise is to always make our paths straight.  In the same vein (no pun intended!), God has been showing me the value in living out loud.  I wish I could write the numerous ways I have observed this, but it would possibly be the longest blog ever written.  So if you see me, or please feel to ask me, and I'd be happy to share with you backstories of how God is revealing Himself in the most unexpected places.  I've asked Him to help me be a better example of His, and to share His love and gospel better - and He IS answering this prayer in so many incredible, unpredictable ways.

There is a saying, "There are no atheists in foxholes."  I have no idea who said it, but my guess is it was a military guy, maybe WWII time period.  You might also say, "There are no atheists in MRI tubes" either.  If you've ever had an MRI, specifically on your brain, you may know what I'm talking about.  You wear this super stylish hospital gown (slightly different print than the ones in the Operating Room), lock your belongings in a little gym locker, and they take you into this room with a door on it that looks like a big freezer door with "Danger" signs all over it (super comforting!).  You lie down on this table, they bring you a blanket and a buzzer to squeeze in case you need something, they give you ear plugs (cause it is super loud in there!), and they lock your face into this plastic/hard foam cradle.  They slide you in there, and it's a rather thin tube, so the roof is super close your face.  People with claustrophobia don't stand a chance.  Even I got rather anxious, and I prayed for the entire 30 minutes.  You are alone.  In such a tiny, close quartered space, and you are not permitted to move.  The machine makes loud noises, shakes, and buzzes.  After the first 30 minutes, they slid me out and injected me with contrast dye, then slid me back in for another 10 minutes.  However, I heard God's calming voice, and heard these words:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;  and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;" - Isaiah 43:1b-3a, NIV

God was with me, He is my true comfort, my Father, and my best friend.  I've held to this truth so firmly, and even more so lately as I prepare for treatment and simply weathering the emotional toll this road often takes.  At times I feel alone.  You learn that some people who said they wanted to be there for you, just aren't.  And you learn that some people who offered to be an ear to listen or would help with anything needed, didn't really mean it, they were just being nice.  The people that have normally been a 'safe place' for you, find it is too emotionally overwhelming for them to walk through cancer with you.  Sure, it could be disappointing, but I'm learning that instead, God often graciously raises up others in their place to be His hands and feet.  And even more importantly, God grows my dependence on Him that much more.  God never disappoints us, His grace through us allows others to be off the hook.  He is big enough to even heal any of the hurts.  This is not a lament or even a complaint, but a praise for God being so kind and so sovereign to consistently show His comfort to His lambs.  He promises to meet our needs, and I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am for the care of His hands and His heart that draws near to mine.  God often "hugs" us through the most unexpected circumstances, at the most unexpected times, through the most unexpected people - and it's glorious!  Only He could plan it!  I'm so grateful for each little ounce of compassion God has displayed through people as His hands and feet, each minute has such a heartfelt expression of God's love to me - and you.  He displays His character through everything He does, God is so caring!

Most of the time, I use two bibles.  Both are NIV, however one is on my night stand and I've had it since the year before I got saved in college (gosh has that thing seen some ups and downs!), and the other is a thin line black and pink bible I got to take on mission trips about four or five years ago.  The thin line bible is hanging on for dear life, haha!  My point is, I've grown so accustomed to using the thin line bible (which probably takes a beating while riding around in my purse everywhere) that I don't pick up the college bible as much, so it looks a little more well loved, ha!  Today I observed, I've been reading God's word ALL the time lately, probably since September.  I could read God's word for hours and hours, over and over.  His scriptures bring so much life to my heart every time, I can barely describe it.

I know it is this same thin line bible that will be sitting on my lap in the chemotherapy room at the Cancer Institute next month, and God will be using it to draw me closer to Him.  As of Tuesday, I'm officially beginning treatment on January 7th.  I signed the papers, which was a surreal experience.  You read things like, "I understand treatment can be life threatening and even fatal." Side effects are nausea, vomiting, chills, fever, muscle aches, depression, hair loss, hair thinning, loss of appetite, metal taste in mouth, dehydration, insomnia, and heart palpitations.  When reading over the papers, there definitely is a surreal thought in my mind of, "Am I really signing this?  Did I ever in a thousand years think I'd be signing a document with the words 'chemotherapy' on it?  Especially at this age?"  The good news is, as of right now, there is no direct evidence that Intron A or half-dose Interferon will impact my fertility - now, and long-term.  Furthermore, my BRAF genetic results were negative two months ago, which means I can't even pass on cancerous genes to my kids! (should I ever have any, ha!)  Praise God!  Pic below:

As far as the nuts and bolts of treatment, it's five days a week for four weeks.  They are giving me a peripheral IV which will stay in my arm for 4-5 days, then replaced.  I may have a pic-line ordered, as I've heard that might as well be easier.  For the first 2-3 hours of treatment, they will give me fluid IVs and then the actual drugs only take 30-60 minutes to administer.  They said I must have someone drive me to and from treatment because I will be too fatigued to do any driving.  The oncologist told me to stock up on Alleve (so if anyone is looking for any last minute gift ideas, haha, just send over some bottles of Alleve!) since I will be using it a lot for aches and fever throughout the month.  The doctor already gave me the prescription for nausea medicine.  My shelf at home looks like a CVS!

As far as prayer requests, please pray for my strength - physical, emotional and spiritual.  Pray that God will continue to give me strength needed, and to learn to rest when He needs me to rest.  Please pray that while I may be weak, pray that God will use me for His glory.  As I know God often uses the weak to display His strength, because it is then that the weak cannot rely on their own strength, but desperately need His!  Pray that God will simply use me for His glory, that He will open my ears to hear His voice and open my eyes so I can see Him at work.  Please pray for my friends, family, and church family who will be caring for me and depending on during this season of time.  Pray that God will lift them up, encourage them, and fill them up for His glory.  Please ask for there to be just a fruitful flow of ministry between everyone around me, and that patience, humility, and grace be plentiful throughout.  I only want God's glory!

I'm not perfect, nor is anyone perfect.  None of us are good enough for God's kingdom, but because of God's perfect and sufficient grace - somehow He wants to use us, to display His glory.  How amazing is that?!  Thankfully God doesn't wait our whole lives for us to become perfect, He just loves us as we are and loves us so much that He molds us into His likeness.  When I think about living this out, I immediately recognize how I can live out God's grace with others.   I can free people of my own expectations, and just love them.  No one will always say the perfect thing, no one will always be perfectly spiritual, no one will be any kind of perfect;  but because of His grace, we can give others grace - just as I will need grace from others, and I'll need to give grace to others (now and probably always, haha, not just because of cancer!).  We're all a beautiful mess, and thankfully we can choose to give grace in love to each other just as God chooses to do so with us.  SUCH a powerful act of love from such a loving Father!  

It's Just Hair

I sat at a table with my friend Bryan surrounded by 20 orphans making prayer journals one sunny afternoon  in Kampong Thom, Cambodia.  "So what's your favorite bible verse?" I asked a couple of the girls, as we cut out figures of construction paper to glue on the cover of composition notebooks we purchased at the dollar store. "John 10:10....it says Jesus gave me life...." (The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:10, NIV) That seemed somewhat of a deep answer to me for a 16 year old girl with no family in rural Cambodia. I wanted to hear more, so I asked her some questions about herself.  Her name was Srey Mom, and she had high aspirations to be a doctor.  The other girls listened intently and shared their dream occupations, and hopes for their future. Then she dropped one of the biggest questions I've ever heard in my life...

"So why do you believe in God?" I looked at Bryan, who is a theological genius and PhD graduate from a top seminary.  I struggled for an answer, in fact, I'm not even sure what was said after that.  My mind spun in pure shock how I could have overlooked such an important question to my personal faith.  I couldn't give some Sunday school answer, she was being authentic with me and I wanted to be real with her.  I asked how we could pray for her, and she went on to say she wanted prayers for her studies; to learn English; and wanted prayers for the very family that had abandoned her and for them to come to know Jesus.  I was stunned.  If an amoeba has a feeling, that must have been what it was.  I felt unworthy and incapable to help such a sweet soul.  Before our missions team went to bed, we met for a devotional time.  Bryan told our group about Srey Mom's question, and said he had thought long and hard about it, having prayed about it.  He said, "....it's because I have no where else to go." It made so much sense.  You could have everything - the perfect house, loads of money, the perfect job, the perfect spouse, and it will not satisfy you over time.  It takes sweet brokenness for many of us to get there, and to realize we ALL have no where else to go but the arms of Jesus.  All that to say, I'm consistently reminded that life is but a vapor, and I have no where else to go but the arms of Jesus.

[As a side note:  That was 2008, and Srey Mom is now 20 years old and is at student in medical school in the capitol city of Phnom Penh, Cambodia.  She prays for her family everyday, asks for the Lord help in her studies, and still writes to me on occasion.]

As I prepare to walk through what is expected to be the most challenging part of this diagnosis, I know there will be good days and bad days.  I know there will be tough moments, frustrating moments, emotional moments, scary moments; there will be moments when I just want to give up because it is all so exhausting and overwhelming; there will be moments when I'm sure I feel like no one understands, and I feel lonely.  Christians are not stoics, and christian stoicism is not a fruit of spiritual maturity - in fact, I'd state that it is the opposite, christian stoicism is a fruit of immaturity.  As Christians, I'm led to believe (and with wise counsel) that we do not stop feeling the more we grow in Christ.  We will still weather a number of emotions and feelings, it does not mean we do not trust the Lord.  King David provides an outstanding example of this in the Psalms.  He was extremely candid and authentic with God about how he was feeling, laying his heart before the Lord in some of the most painful circumstances.  I know I'll pass through a series of thoughts and emotions, but in the midst, I don't want to miss ALL of the good God chooses to bring out what may be horrific.  I don't want to focus so much on my own suffering that I can't see God's kindness and goodness.  I'd miss seeing how people care for me and desire to be the hands and feet of the Lord;  I'd miss out on seeing love in action, as a verb and not because people feel like it;  I'd miss out on seeing it all as an opportunity to bring Him glory;  I'd miss out on seeing the beauty of unexpected blessings;  and I'd just miss out on so much more.

Today I saw my neurologist (I think I have two of those), and they are running an MRI on Thursday as a precaution.  They read my PET/CT results from October which shows no metastasis beyond stage three, but they want an MRI to verify there is no cancer in my brain.  They said they have no reason to believe it is there, but just want to be sure with the MRI.  Fair enough.  The doctors also ordered another round of blood work for me today explaining that the labs done within the last month were not current enough, so I got stuck for more tubes of blood today. (PS - this whole experience REALLY makes me appreciate nurses....great nurses make a MASSIVE difference!) When the labs come back, that will tell them what type of medication to give me for the nerve issues and leg pain I've been having since surgery.  The pain isn't unbearable, just uncomfortable when I sleep at night.  It's not a heavy hitting drug they said, but one that will address the issues.

Afterwards, I walked over to Patient Services at the Cancer Institute (right next door) to drop off two books I borrowed from their library last month.  The ladies said, "so how's your Mom feeling?" and I looked at her, kind of laughed, and said, "Do you mean the patient?  I'm the patient." And they said, "What?!  You're so young! Oh my gosh, well honey if there is anything you need, let us know!" And I assured them I'd be there everyday starting in January, so they'd see me again. As I walked away, I heard them saying to each other, "She has such pretty hair!"  And I had to take a deep breath.  In three or four months, I might not have any hair, and if I do, it may be really thin and brittle.  I was talking to my friend Julie afterwards (Julie lost her hair twice in two battles with leukemia) and it's so interesting, to us as women, hair can be such a comfort.  When you are physically feeling at your worst, it's therapeutic to have your hair done and just feel girly.  My Mom used to tie my hair up in ribbons and bows when I was a kid;  I've thought about how I'd want to wear it in a wedding someday;  I often coordinate outfits around the color it happens to be during the season;  and when babysitting little girls, they love to play with it.  I started thinking about this, and found comfort in this verse:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.  For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. - 1 Peter 3:3-5, NIV

It's just hair.  It can grow back.  My hair isn't what makes me - or any other God fearing woman - beautiful in this world.  My prayer is that anyone who would find me beautiful would see my heart for Christ as the source of any beauty, but ultimately finding beauty in the King Himself who happens to live in my heart.  He made me, all of me, and all of you.  I can only be beautiful because of who He is, and radiating His character.  Another favorite woman I aspire to follow in the bible is the woman of Proverbs 31, and having studied this chapter most of my Christian life - no where in the chapter does it speak of her own physical appearance (other than in verse 22, it tells us she wears purple!).  The closest it comes to speaking of her physical beauty is this amazing (and favorite) verse:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. - Proverbs 31:30, NIV

It doesn't say she is blond, brunette, or redheaded.  It doesn't tell us if she is a size 2 or a size 12.  It doesn't even tell us if she is tan, pale, or African American.  It doesn't tell us if this girl makes it to the nail salon once every two weeks or even if she wears name brand make-up.  But we can take a good glimpse of her heart throughout the entire passage, and clearly her husband is respected (Proverbs 31:23) by many due to her noble character (Proverbs 31:10).  The passage also tells us this woman is worth far more than rubies (which of the time, was worth more than any other precious stone), and not a speck of it is because she has great hair.  I could go on for days about women in the bible, I love to study them.  At the end of the day, it's just hair.  It's not eternal, it doesn't come with me into God's Kingdom when God calls me home.  I may not even lose any of my hair, we just don't know as of yet how tough the side effects may be.  But, I'm so grateful for what God can teach me through this time about Himself, and about His eternal beauty - and where it comes from.  My hope is in Him, and so is my heart and anything else about me.

Tomorrow is another day at the hospital, when I sit down with my oncologist and go over all the paperwork for treatment.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Please pray for this meeting and this appointment to be used for God's glory, and for God to stomp out any fears before they start.  It is always a lot of information, and I pray it all goes smoothly.  I'll learn more about side effects, the drugs, how it will all impact my life moving forward, etc.  SO grateful for your prayers, and for your willingness to let God use you!

Midnight Mish Mash of My Mind

So I have a confession to make, I'm trying to write my blog entries earlier than 11pm - and so far I'm failing miserably!  It just always seems easiest to write out the inner workings of my mind late at night.  Those who know me can tell you that I'm a verbal processor, and you who chooses to read this - receives a mere snapshot of the internal mish mash churning through my head painted out on to my personal blog.  Half the time these blogs help ME understand what I'm weathering - with cancer and with God, however I do pray consistently for each word to be submitted for God's glory having an eternal purpose.

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. - Ephesians 6:19-20, NIV

As for a medical update, I've spent a good deal of time on the phone trying to get a neurology consult which was ordered by my.....um, well I'm not sure what kind of doctor he is, but Dr. W is overseeing my rehabilitation and he referred me to a neurologist for a consult on leg pain and nerve issues.  It's quite interesting, a lot of the folks who seem to work the desks at these places appear to become so desensitized to dealing with sick people.  I ask for no special treatment of course, but I watch and hear them (not judging, just observing) in helping people get their appointments and direct them where they need to go.  Half the time it feels like the twilight zone because you meet with a doctor, they drop some bad news on you (like a personal Hiroshima disaster) with no warning and they don't skip a beat, they just keep on talking.  And you think, "wait, I think that was a big deal, right?  Did they just say....?  No, can't be that, they would have made a bigger deal out of it....but really?  They did say......"  Then you go on your way, and most of the time the scheduling people go about their job like clock work - get you in and out, no questions asked.  Just another patient, part of the procedure.  I will say, not everyone is like that - but that's certainly how I felt today trying to get the neurology appointment.

A friend of mine compared it to a wedding once.....hilarious, I know!  (I was so not offended by this, just thought it was funny!)  You see, for the bride, it's her first and only wedding.  She needs a venue on a specific day.  They can't/won't give it to her.  So she says, "....but this is the day I need!  But I'm getting married!  This is my wedding!" But alas, the scheduler will not compromise.  It's like a doctor's appointment.  "I need to see the neurologist before January 7." And the scheduler says, "I'm sorry ma'am, we're booked through February.  You'll have to find another doctor or get your referral doctor to make a personal call, then we might be able to double book you with another patient." Then for me, "....but I start treatment on January 7, I've already been in pain and discomfort, I can't wait until February.  What do I do?"  Alas, another opportunity for patience and practicing contentment.

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe. - Philippians 2:14-15, NIV

Nonetheless, I sign the official papers at 1pm on December 18 to proceed with treatment.  It appears I will be taking off of work the month of January, which was strongly recommended by my oncologist and my boss agrees that it would be the best course of action.  I love what I do and love the people I work with, so that will be tough, but I know it will take a lot of pressure off of everyone and I can focus on getting well.  My friend Sara has set up a spreadsheet of people to take me to treatment each day for four weeks, since I have to be at the Cancer Institute everyday.  I know not everyone is super comfortable being around cancer patients, so if people don't want to step in and help out, I totally understand.  It can be a lot to take in, and can be overwhelming for people, often at times it is a lot for anyone to process.  It's a packed room at the Infusion Center in the Cancer Institute, and we're only allowed one visitor to come with us while we sit in a hospital bed being pumped full of drugs via an IV.  Some people get bored, so they recommend bringing a book, an iPod, games, magazines, etc.  All the patients have compromised immunity, myself included (which is expected to worsen once the treatment starts), and so visitors cannot be feeling sick (no cough, no cold, no fever, no sniffles, etc.).  However, I do believe this is an environment primed and ripe for the loving gospel of Jesus Christ.

While I'm there, please pray for God to use me as a light. Pray for God to use me (and maybe visitors too!) as His hands and feet, to be loving and compassionate examples of God's kindness. Specifically this verse for my life:

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. - Matthew 5:15-16, NIV

A diagnosis, or any life changing event can often get a person thinking about the 30,000 foot view of their life.  I haven't had too much of this, though lately as I've been reading through Psalms and the book of Hosea - I've been taking a step back and looking at the big picture of my life before God.  To be honest, I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else right now.  I know God has me in Washington, DC for a purpose, even at the very hospital I'm at, and especially He has me at Capitol Hill Baptist for a purpose.  Anyone that knows me, knows I absolutely LOVE the state of Texas (I've had family living and buried there for some 60 years).  I miss it all the time.  But I've always known I'd end up living and working here in DC, and certainly not because of politics. I wouldn't even really consider myself a political person.  It's like I've had this love/hate relationship with Washington, DC.  I left like a stressed out and hurt girlfriend of Washington, DC in 2006, knowing God would most likely bring me back here again someday for His glory.  And He did just that.  I'm not sure we can ever know every step of what God has ahead for us, I'm pretty sure we can't.  Why?  Because we wouldn't need faith, we have to trust Him - and that means not knowing what tomorrow will hold for us.  I can't say I'll stay in Washington, DC forever, who knows, none of us can even really say we'll wake up tomorrow, but I do know God holds our future.

I've come to recognize more clearly that we only get one life.  Just one.  But I don't believe living life under extreme pressure that you can make a "wrong" decision is any way to please God either.  He is on the throne, not us, thankfully.  We can spend most of our lives overanalyzing, overthinking, overstressing about the non-eternal decisions we make, only to find the unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves to make decisions becomes too great, so we make NO decisions at all.  If our heart is for Him, we can trust that He provides His wisdom should we ask for it.  I can live in Texas or I can live in Washington, DC - neither one would be sinning, of course, but I do have the choice.  Today, my choice is to serve God here in Washington, DC with everything He has given me, including cancer, and hope He uses it where ever He wants to - including Texas, or where ever.  Our stories are not contained by physical boundaries, as His glory can never be contained by human perimeters.  We have the opportunity to deny ourselves and stand in the gap for those who need His love most.  We can allow His love to move us into action, to jump in head first and not let our brothers and sisters go down without a fight, without a love that fights, without a love that fights for them.

Anyhow, I'll sign off now, after unloading another midnight blog of my ever so limited mind.  My favorite quote today was one I read from a former elder of my church:

"People are people, not projects. Make sure your motive in evangelism and discipleship is love." -- Garret Kell, Pastor of Del Ray Baptist Church

So thankful for your prayers!  Praying for you - who reads this!

Back To The Hospital

I walked in the sliding doors and saw a new group of waiting sick people, a lot of them looked really sad.  This time I was at the National Rehabilitation Hospital for follow-up health after my last surgery with hopes to regain full mobility in my left arm, my first time back in a hospital after vacation.  I met a new set of nurses and doctors, as well as hospital staff.  It was interesting to me, a lot of the patients at the other two hospitals seemed in different spirits than the ones at the rehabilitation hospital.  Perhaps they have been working at rehabilitating from major surgeries for quite some time, and it is easy to just get tired and worn down.  I'm not too sure.  I filled out a new load of paperwork, and went on back to meet a new doctor (for those of you keeping track at home, this is my 9th doctor to add to the collection - if you don't count the second opinion guy).

Dr. W (I seriously can't pronounce his last name) tested me for lymphadema and host of other ailments. I tested "ok" for lymphadema, which is apparently a condition you can develop after you've had massive chunks of your lymphatic system removed.  It causes major swelling in the area of where you've had lymph nodes removed (for me, it would be my left arm).  While I don't have it now, I was told that I am most at risk for developing lymphadema between 6-12 months after surgery.  He also went on to explain that the lymphatic system helps the body to fight infection, so my immunity will be permanently "injured" from here on out and stressed the need to take extra care of the left side of my body against germs, infection, etc.  Basically, if I get any kind of cut or open wound in the region of my lymph nodes were removed, I have to take extra care and have it examined by a doctor (he even said to be extra careful with manicures, argh!).  

More recently, I've been focusing on casting my anxieties and cares on the Lord.  All of this can be incredibly overwhelming at times, not to mention the regular ups and downs of regular life.  I'm no superwoman, I utterly need God's help to do everything and anything.  

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. - Psalm 55:22, NIV

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. - 1 Peter 5:7, NIV (emphasis added mine)

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. - Psalm 94:19, NIV

There are times when the prognosis is troubling, and there are times where I'm more aware of the cross it is to bear.  However, I do trust that God would not allow any of this unless it was for my good - and His.  God IS in control, always.  I trust that He will bring beauty out of it, and my hope is that He will bring my heart out of it a more pure heart which resembles His heart even more.  To marvel at the truth, "he cares for me" is a big statement from a God with a HUGE heart.  And to know He consoles me, and He has promised to sustain me.  These are not small promises, and God is not a small God.  

As a prayer request, I ask that you please pray for me to get rest.  Though I slept wonderfully in Hawaii, since returning the sleepless nights have returned as well.  Today the doctor referred me to a neurologist for some leg pain and nerve issues to do with not sleeping well (since these problems have only started post-surgery), so not sure what will come of that but hopefully it can help me to get some quality sleep.  Or the other solution is to simply move to Hawaii.....since I slept so good there!  Ha, just kidding! ...but tempting!

Also, I did want to mention something that has been on my heart lately as a few people have been asking me, "what seems to help you?" and likewise, "what seems to not help you?"  Although, I'd say considering my conversations with other cancer patients, there seems to be a consensus among us.  One of the best ways you can love a cancer patient, is to NOT offer free unsolicited, medical advice.  The best way I can explain it is to say, when you are diagnosed, your mind takes on a million different trains of thought.  Half the time you are trying to simply learn what it is you have been diagnosed with, and the other part of the time you are trying to understand the course of treatment from doctors and how you got sick in the first place.  In the beginning, you have about 4-5 doctors explaining different facets of treatment and ordering numerous tests, surgeries, biopsies, bloodwork, etc.  And it's all done very quickly.  So, all that to say, the thought of trying to take on different therapies, treatments, diets, courses of action, machines, etc. is so incredibly overwhelming for a sick person.  It puts a person in overload.  Now I do understand that at times friends/family are just as fearful as the patient, and when people are afraid they want to take control.  And when they take control, one of the ways people do that is to research on their own and find medical solutions for their loved one no matter what they may be.  It is heartfelt and considerate, but from experience, I can say it usually only adds stress to a cancer patient.  

So what can you do to not feel helpless if someone you love is sick and fighting a fatal illness?  Pray.  Please, please, please do not think prayer doesn't do anything.  Please know that if you pray, this is THE best and most pro-active action item you can do for someone, not to mention it is incredibly loving.  So many times, I've become convinced that when we care - we think we have to do something tangible.  We think we have to feel it, touch it, hold it out and wrap it up with a bow and give it to someone for them to see that we did something to ease their fears, to ease their pain.  But what I'm saying is there is something much greater, that has an eternal value with no shelf life.  Please just pray.  If it helps, write them a note or an email letting them know you prayed for them.  Trust me, this goes a VERY long way.  You could even take further stress off of them by letting them know they don't have to write you back, encourage them to rest (think about it - if you were a patient and got 47 of these emails, trying to respond to each of them can take an entire day which can get tiring).  

For myself, and I've probably said this before, the most loving thing someone can do for me is to pray for me.  Even if they offer to come over or pray WITH me on the phone, this does wonders and continuously helps me put my future and my life in God's hands.  There is no substitute for God our Healer.  And the more you care for someone by praying for them, it will only strengthen YOUR relationship with God in the process.  You become a tool used by Him for His glory alone, you become a part of the victory, and you are a warrior for the King Himself.  What greater honor!?  Even Jesus, the night He was taken captive to be crucified, stopped and prayed.

They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to His disciples, "Sit here while I pray." - Matthew 14:32, NIV

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. - Ephesians 6:18, NIV

I thank you ahead of time for your prayers.  For taking the time to care out of compassion and kindness, to seek our Father on my behalf.  Please know if you are taking the time to read this, I'm so grateful for your heartfelt concern and graciousness.  God is so good to want to use you in my life!  God has graciously used you to meet needs that I have, and to not have to weather this storm alone - but with you and with Him.  Thank you!!  A cancer patient is not a charity case or a cause, but another human being with feelings, in need just like you and me.  We all have needs, and weaknesses, and some level of poverty (albeit physical, emotional, or spiritual) that God graciously responds to meet in us.  Taking the time to care, to encourage, to PRAY, to lift up and build up a person in need for His glory - regardless of their ailment - pours living water on a parched soul.  Grateful for you, and grateful for His grace - and even more grateful for what He may have ahead for His glory.

Aloha, & Mahalo!

First of all, I got back from Hawaii today.  It's great to see friends again, and call them in the same time zone of course, but I definitely have to say I'm going to miss waking up to the face of God in Waikiki Beach each morning!  So, to zip through the usual questions:

Q: "How was it?"
A: It was amazing!  I had SUCH a fun and relaxing time!  It's always touches my heart to see God knowing what I need, and taking it upon Himself to meet that need.  I slept well each night I was in Waikiki Beach, and without the help of any prescriptions!  This is a massive relief for me, as I had such trouble sleeping before going on the trip and doctors were getting concerned that if I wasn't getting enough sleep then my body wouldn't heal the way it needed.  Hopefully I stay on this path!  I had such great quiet times with the Lord by reading His word, journaling, and spending a good deal of time in prayer.  God is just so beautiful and so loving, I felt like Daddy's little princess each day (I do in DC too most of the time, but this was just God showing off!).  I'm just so, so thankful!

Q: "How are you feeling?"
A: Feeling pretty good at the moment.  Believe it or not, I DID go surfing!  (This verse sums it up:  Psalm 18:29)  I decided to take a lesson the first day in case I needed any help paddling (the instructor would tow me in or out to the wave break) and just to see how it felt.  The first time pushing myself up on the board stung a bit, so I just had to take my time a little more than usual.  The paddling wasn't too bad, but if it's not something you do on a regular basis - you WILL get sore after a day or two or paddling.  Needless to say, I'm super sore but the really good news is that my left arm has nearly gained full range of motion back!  So, while I may have been pushing myself by surfing, it really has helped me use my arm more and hopefully physical therapy won't have to be as extensive now.  As far as energy level, I'm tired at the moment!  But I'm hoping all will stay just fine until I have to begin treatment on January 7.

I will say that there were days where I would completely forget about being a cancer patient all together for HOURS at a time, and I would completely forget about upcoming treatment.  I also noticed myself not overly focusing on any dreams or desires I have for myself, and I attribute this to quiet times I had with the Lord leading up to the trip.  You see, I've surrendered EVERYTHING to the Lord.  Now, this doesn't mean I don't have desires at all;  my desires simply are not demands on God, and they are desires for His glory - no matter the cost.  I believe if we are not careful, our desires morph into demands we put on God and eventually bitterness as opposed to humble requests we submit to God for His glory alone.  The minute I decided to serve the Lord and spend my life in His footsteps to be like Him, my dreams become property of the Lord.  There are times in my walk with God when I look back and notice Him having to pry things or ideas from my tightly clenched fists, but once they were gone I could only experience freedom.  The freedom I live in at this very moment is from not holding fast to anything but God.  Everything in my life is His, and everything He wants to do with my life is up to Him.  Everything.

Interestingly enough, my friend told me about a man who has terminal brain cancer who is a believer and may have mere months to live.  The man had said the diagnosis was much tougher on his wife, but to be honest, he had never felt closer to God than he does now in his final months.  He said he didn't even know life with God could be so amazing this side of heaven.  I relate to this all too well.  When we hold loosely to our lives and our "stuff" acknowledging that it all belongs to God anyway, it is then we are truly free in Him.  We can never lose anything, only gain.  I pray this makes sense to you, as it is something I've been continuously having to learn and grasp.  To be honest, I've never felt more free.  As I've often mentioned, when I take my eyes off my King and put them on me, myself, or I - it is then that I find myself full of anxiety, worry, anger, self-pity, insecurity, etc.

No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame...." - Psalm 25:3a, NIV

All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant. - Psalm 25:10, NIV

As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. - James 5:11, NIV

In the eyes of the Kingdom, I feel so small and recognize myself as small because my Father is so big (John 3:30).  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I serve the One who does.  With my survival rate at 62-74% of seeing my 40th birthday, I'm flooded with the reminder that not even one of us has a guarantee of living another 10 years - anything can happen.  The only difference between you and me, is at this moment in time, I may have medical knowledge of my own statistics.  We are not promised tomorrow, not one of us.  While I encourage you - and myself - to wait upon the Lord (Psalm 33:20), don't waste what you have in front of you today.  I'm encouraged to love deeper, give bigger, watch TV less, take more time to rest, let the little stuff roll off my shoulders, and seek Him every second I am able.  It's ALL because God is so gracious.

I'm constantly encouraged by my brothers and sisters in Christ, and their own relationships with Jesus Christ - and this trip was another wonderful example (and blessing!) of that encouragement.  I'm beyond grateful for your prayers, and for God's divine appointments. I leave you with a scene of Waikiki Beach that took my breath away, if this picture even does His handiwork justice:

The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters. - Psalm 24:1-2, NIV

I'm Off To Hawaii!!!

I'm not kidding.  You must be as shocked as I was when I realized I was going to such a gorgeous place as a Hawaii, haha!  I can't make this stuff up.  Seriously, God is just THAT good.  God is more than good, He is blows our socks off!  

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. - Psalm 84:11, NIV

The LORD is good to all; He has compassion on ALL He has made....He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him, He hears their cry and saves them. - Psalm 145:9, 18, NIV

A friend of mine from church happens to be in Hawaii this week with a group of friends, and invited me to come out to Hawaii as a getaway to relax and do something else besides be a cancer patient for a few days.  I really thought this not going to happen at all.  I thought, "well that's a nice gesture and thought, but there is no way I can get out there."  My strength waivers at times, but then I remembered the word "relax" that was mentioned.  Well, God doing what He does, He paves the way.  My hotel was taken care of (at quite a fabulous hotel I might add), my Dad generously took care of the flight, and when I asked my employer, the response was, "It's absolutely ok [if you go]!" I was flabbergasted.  My face lit up!  This is really happening!  I'm REALLY going to Hawaii!!!  My heart leaped and turned immediately to thank such a generous Father we serve.  He truly, truly withholds NO good thing from those He loves!

I truly don't deserve this trip, in all honesty I deserve the wrath of God for being a sinner - as we all do - but God in is utter kindness, grace, and mercy decides to bless me with a way to relax in awe of His beauty.  He loves to show off to us, and gosh, am I seriously so blessed to receive His grace!  What an incredible God!  Now, for those who know me, know that I DO absolutely LOVE to surf, haha!  But, while I *may* not exactly be able to surf this time around (taking my surf stuff just in case!) it will be beyond wonderful to just hear His voice in the midst of His glorious riches and beauty surrounding me in a place He made such as Hawaii.  I'll be in this little slice of amazing paradise, that oozes God's glory from Friday (Nov 30) to Wednesday (Dec 5).  Below is a pic of me surfing at Waikiki Beach from my last time in Hawaii - June 2008:

What a timely gift, I was just struggling with trying to sleep and relax following my last surgery.  No joke, I went out and bought lavender everything (lavender is supposed to help you sleep) and a sound therapy machine (my favorite sound is 'ocean') before having to turn to more drugs as a sleep aid.  On Tuesday, I had to go visit my primary care physician regarding the sleep issues and possible thyroid problems.  I was sitting there on the exam table when she walked in, looked at me and said, "Oh Kristina, you have been through so much since I saw you last."  Keep in mind, this is the doctor who diagnosed me with cancer on September 25th via phone call and who ordered my original biopsy.  I hadn't really thought about having "been through so much" and maybe she is right, but I know not an ounce of it has been wasted.  God is redeeming all of it, and using it for His purpose.  I smiled and said, "I just have such a fun time here, I had to come back!"  She laughed and we got on with the appointment.  She ordered bloodwork to check my thyroid, and a flu shot before I left the office.

The nurse came in to give me the flu shot, and it was the same nurse who held my hand in the original biopsy (you could say a little comfort was needed while watching a chunk of your arm cut out and put in a test tube - plus, I'm a hand holder!).  She asked me how I was, and I explained to her that the biopsy from that fateful day came back as cancer.  She didn't know.  It's interesting to me, the life of nurses - they care for us tirelessly, and most of the ones I know work a lot even at tough hours, and some do not even learn the outcome of us patients.  She was shocked when I told her, and she asked, "so can they fix it?"  I told her, "well, they are trying!"  She was very kind, gave me the flu shot - which hurt less than an ant bite in comparison to some of the injections I've been getting lately!

I left that day with a fighter's attitude, thinking of how I want to celebrate the death of cancer with my friends and family.  But while I intend to fight cancer with everything God has given me, I'm reminded that I truly trust God with the outcome of my life....it's His after all, I've given Him my life anyway.  People will often say someone lost their battle with cancer, but I don't believe this.  For a follower of Jesus Christ, we never lose battles with cancer, we can only win.  Death does not win, even when cancer takes over the body.  The day we meet Jesus face to face is to be celebrated!  Now I know its incredibly challenging to keep an eternal perspective when someone you love or care about it dealing with cancer, I get it, I even have my own moments of fear.  But the fear runs away when I realize this life is but a vapor, a small chunk of time compared to the eternity we will spend with our King.  I believe it's ok to ask God for a positive sudden change of events or circumstances, just as long we do not resent Him if He chooses not to comply with our request.  He is more than trustworthy with our very lives, He loves you and me!

Well, I better finish packing my suitcase, and make sure I take plenty of sunscreen.  Please pray that I stay healthy on the trip, and for God to refresh my body and spirit for His glory.  Pray that I can be recharged especially before the Christmas holiday and before beginning intense treatment on January 7.  It's still so surreal.....I'm going to Hawaii!!!  Pray that I am a good steward of the gifts God has given me, especially this trip and that He is glorified.  Y'all will be there with me in spirit, and so grateful for every prayer lifted on my behalf - praying for all of you, and for God to lift your hearts!

Pic-Lines, Ports, & IVs

"Uh, I need wheelchair service....." That's right.  Over the Thanksgiving holiday I traveled to Houston, Texas to be with family and it was recommended that I utilize the wheelchair service at the airport to avoid putting added stress on the sensitive area around the incision - and to avoid the frustration of having to lift my own bags which could strain the surgical area also.  Talk about a humbling experience.  First of all, I'd like to say that I'm perfectly capable of walking - though maybe not super quickly, as I hadn't been given doctor's approval yet.  However, this was viewed as the easiest way to get me from point A to point B without putting too much strain on my system post-surgery.  I sat in the chair with wheels, and was wheeled around.  First noticeable bonus, you don't have to wait in the TSA line!  However, the guy wanted me to raise my arms and I couldn't.  The left side of my body still has underdeveloped muscles which were cut during surgery, along with my sensory nerve and it hasn't rehabilitated yet.  

I got to the other side and the guy from wheelchair service helped me put on my shoes.  I was so hungry!  However, I didn't want to be a burden by asking him to stop at a food place so I could get something to eat so I let him wheel me to the gate where I waited to board the plane.  My friend Tamara told me, "Stop it. If you're in a wheelchair you obviously need help."  She was right, and it was my people pleasing tendencies that stood between me and getting a meal.  I began to feel like I needed to explain myself to everyone (though I didn't), that I wasn't just lazy and trying to get around easily.  Then I saw everything through the eyes of someone who really has to depend on a wheelchair for their permanent mobility, such a compassionate experience.  Everything was different.  A man named Israel Williams was the guy who was pushing my wheelchair around when I got to Atlanta airport (where I was connecting) and he loved Jesus!  I did explain to him about my medical situation, and he said he'd pray for me.  He told me about his family in Florida, and asked about my church.  At first he was starting to share Jesus with me, telling me God had a plan for my life!  It was awesome!  I told him I agreed, and God has a plan for him too!  Israel DID take me to get some food, and then wheeled me to the next gate where I waited to board for Houston.  If you remember him, say a prayer for him - he was especially kind and so caring, he truly had the joy of the Lord in him.

Thanksgiving went well, and was able to visit family and friends, and eat a great meal compliments of the talented ladies in my family.  On Friday night, I began running a fever which seemed to go away after taking a couple Advil.

I had my first day back at work today, which went well!  Everyone was great, and asked how I was feeling just to be sure I was feeling ok.  It was actually a pretty productive day, praise the Lord, and was happy to help keep work moving along for the team.  At lunch time, I went to the hospital for my surgical follow-up appointment.  I managed to read the entire current issue of the magazine, Coping With Cancer while I was waiting.  (I'm not sure who Mary Murphy is from So You Think You Can Dance but apparently she is coping with thyroid cancer, as she was the cover feature)  The article titled, "When Treatment Ends" was actually really helpful and assisted me in adjusting expectations I have of myself (and helped exposed some sinful areas - as in, my expectations of myself to meet everyone else's expectations thus trying to ultimately please people instead of God Himself).  The surgeon came in and looked at everything, said there was some fluid build up under the incision but not enough to do anything about it yet.  She discussed the procedures of installing a pic-line (kind of like a long term IV), a meda-port, and regular IVs as a way for me to receive the drugs I'm set to get during treatment.

There are a few different types of Interferon from what I understand, and I'll be receiving what they call Intron A, or high dose Interferon.  As of right now, I'll be receiving it through a regular IV for 3-4 hours each day for four weeks beginning January 7.  If my veins get complicated, then there is a possibility I will undergo another surgery to install a meda-port in my chest - which would be a temporary hold/valve sort of under the skin, but exposed, to administer the Intron A drugs.  Last surgery, the nurse accidentally blew out three of my veins (which are still bruised as I write this), so we can pray that the IVs go in smoothly and easily.  I recognize that in the month of January, my veins will be poked for administering IV drugs 28 times.  These are scary odds, as when your vein blows out, it gets black and blue and VERY swollen.  But I SO do not want another surgery.  Also, the surgeon did clear me to begin small scale exercise, which was great!  Long walks or light jogs, anyone?!

To help keep my focus on Christ during this time, I decided to choose three verses and a hymn to write on the mirror in my bathroom.  So I chose these:

...give thanks in ALL circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:18, NIV (emphasis added mine)

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. - Colossians 3:12, NIV

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. - Philippians 4:11-12, NIV

And Lord hast the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
-- Horatio Spafford, hymn "It Is Well With My Soul"

I was explaining to someone recently that it's like God is my focus, and everything else that happens is on the sidelines.  But I cannot for one minute take my sight off of my King.  If I take my eyes off of Him, I'm tempted to focus on my own suffering which can lead me down a number of rabbit trails of frustration and self-pity.  Even if I take my eyes of my King to embrace the praise of others, I'm putting my pride in myself and not faith in His own power.  So, I choose to never leave His arms.  To stare adoringly up at my Father, and let His comfort wash over me.  I truly feel if I have the Lord, I have everything I could ever need.  That doesn't mean I don't have desires, but my desires are submitted unto the Lord.  If those desires take me away from Christ, then they are not desires given by Christ.

As a side note, perhaps y'all can help me with something.  I received these flowers (pictured below) from the sweet Armstrong family (said they are family friends of Lacy), and I do not have a way to thank them.  The card that came with them didn't have a return address.... so if this reaches them, THANK YOU!!  Or if you know them, please send my deepest thanks!!  These beautiful flowers absolutely brightened my week and are currently bringing joy and cheer to my apartment!  I love them, and I'm in awe of God's kindness by sending them through such a compassionate spirit.  It's such a sweet gift and a reminder of God's care for me.  Such a blessing!!

Again, I'm just so grateful for God's provision and His unfailing kindness.  I often find myself waking up in the middle of the night (partially from pain) and I reach for God's word and let my Father ease me back into a peaceful sleep.  His word quenches my soul, and at times I don't want to fall asleep because the story in God's word just gets better and better for us - for you, for me, for all of us.  Anyhow, thank you so much for your prayers!  

Chemotherapy vs. Immunotherapy

Praise THE Lord.....the drain is GONE!  Honestly, I'm most excited about the surgeon removing the drain and tubes from my body this past Friday!!  I wasn't sure she was going to remove them, she had thought about waiting until Monday just to wait until all the fluid was absolutely gone.  However, I had written down how much fluid came out every eight hours (as instructed) and handed her the numbers.  The last three recorded numbers had to add up to 50cc or less.  At the time of my appointment on Friday, the last three numbers added up to 38cc.  She asked me, "You really want this drain out, don't you?"  I said, "YES!" So she said, "ok, let's do it, today is the day." I was SO excited!!

Sleeping at night and moving around with this drain is incredibly uncomfortable, even coughing or laughing really hard hurts.  My friend Lindsey came with me to the appointment so she offered to hold my hand (I'm kind of a 'hand holder' during physically painful moments like injections, IVs, etc.), and I hope her hand recovers well because I was holding on for dear life!  I was warned by my friend Lisa who is a Physician's Assistant - in her attempt to be brutally honest with patients - that it would burn....that it would actually burn A LOT when the surgeon took the drain out.  In my mind, I thought, "oh I'm sure she'll just give me a local anesthetic...."  No.  There was no local anesthetic, and I just happened to NOT take my pain medication that morning - massive mistake.  So I fished through what I call "my cancer bag" which is a pink Vera Bradley bag I carry around full of papers, reports, notes, etc. and found a pain pill to swallow before the drain removal began.  The surgeon removed the stitch holding it in place, and she said, "Ok, I'm going to count to three and pull it out very fast......1......2......3......"  Now, I'm not a girl who uses foul language at all - and thankfully I'm still not - but if I have ever been so tempted to throw one out there, it was in that moment laying on the surgeon's table as this 12 inch long drain was ripped out of my side after nesting in there for a total of eight long days.  It burned.  It burned A LOT.  Lisa was absolutely correct.  But.....it was OUT!  Oh happy day!!!  Here is a pic of the Jackson Pratt drain that was stuck in my body (below):

Furthermore, I had to see my oncologist on Friday as well which was the main reason I went to the Cancer Institute anyhow since he wanted to see how I was coming along on my decision for a treatment plan.  He walked in and handed me my pathology report from my recent surgery.  My heart sank for a minute because usually if it's good news, they send someone much more junior like a medical student doctor or lab technician of some kind to tell you the results.  However, this was my oncologist handing it to me so it made nervous at first.  He had a smile on his face and said, "Look...." while pointing to two lines on the paper.  It said 15 lymph nodes had been removed and the number of cancerous lymph nodes were "0." ZERO.  Praise God!!  This means my lymph node staging will stay the same.  However, the unknown is whether or not there are any cancerous cells in my blood stream.

My oncologist explained to me that there are two ways melanoma spreads throughout the body, one is through the lymphatic system - which we can now rule out and two is through the blood stream.  He said even patients that are stage 2 are heavily monitored for blood stream travel, and I'm stage 3 so I will be having more CT scans in the coming months and years.  Another highly risky fact I learned about melanoma is that melanoma does not respond to chemotherapy well at all.  My surgeon said they could easily give me the same chemotherapy drugs they give to patients with breast cancer or brain cancer, and melanoma would not go away.  Melanoma cells are very rarely ever responsive to chemotherapy, except when they are in tumor form.  From my last PET/CT scan, we know that I do not have any remaining tumors in my body of 7mm and higher.  However, melanoma is a tough beast because it is like sand, it spreads in little pieces and we will only know if it is in my blood stream as time passes with coming months and maybe years.  As long as my CT scans continue to be clear, I should be on a path to being completely cancer free and healthy.  So because melanoma doesn't respond to chemotherapy, they have to give me immunotherapy which is a lot like chemotherapy.  Immunotherapy can be just as tough but is designed to boost your immune system so it can fight the cancer cells in the bloodstream or any that are not in tumor form.  Think of it this way:

Chemotherapy = kills cancerous tumors
Immunotherapy = kills cancerous cells

Often when patients have finished chemotherapy, they are put on immunotherapy to make sure any/all cancerous cells remaining are destroyed and to help the body fight them off.  I will officially start immunotherapy on Monday January 7, 2013.  My Mom will fly in for the first week of treatment.  My oncologist has advised me to not work during the first four weeks which is when I will be on the highest possible dose of Interferon - the drug they've chosen for immunotherapy.  However, I'm going to try and work through it, as much as I can.  I really do love my job, and I'd hate to let my co-workers and bosses down, so I'm going to at least try.  I'll be at the hospital everyday for four weeks straight.  Each day, I'll be there for 3-4 hours getting treatment through an IV and they have told me to come straight home and sleep.  The side effects for Interferon are quite tough.  One out of three patients experience depression (PLEASE pray against this!), and nearly all have flu-like symptoms times 10 - so lots of chills, aches, fever, great fatigue, nausea, vomiting, etc.  As I've mentioned, hair loss and/or hair thinning is also a possibility.  I'd say beginning treatment is what I'm most nervous about.  I know God is good, and this is going to be a time when I will most likely need support, prayer, and encouragement more than ever before.  So far, I've been very far from any kind of depression, my walk with God has been quite awesome and I pray I will not fall into any mental traps with this drug.

After four weeks of high dose Interferon, they will drop me back to half-dose for the next 11 months as I will then be taught how to administer the drug by self-injection just underneath the skin.  A friend of mine asked me today, "so when can you celebrate for being cancer free?"  I'm not sure of the answer to this question to be quite honest, but I know it will be at minimum a year from now.  Technically, I believe I cannot enter remission until after two years.  After two years, I can stop having CT scans and oncological check-ups.  Melanoma patients are most at risk for recurrence at year two or three after their first diagnosis.  My oncologist, Dr. Jang, went over my survival rates with me on Friday as well.  He punches in my age and all these facts about my diagnosis into a computer, and this tool calculates a prediction of my outcome.  Basically, it said I have a 62.3-74.7% rate of surviving another 10+ years.  I'm not sure I like this number or not.  However, my friend Tamara reminded me that our God is so much bigger than statistics.  Our God is One who parts the red sea, He raises the dead, He turns water into wine, He feeds 5,000 on one loaf of bread and one fish.  Cancer is no match for our God.

I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. - Job 42:2, NIV

You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry. - Psalm 10:17, NIV

While beating cancer is a desire of mine, I'm beginning to learn that I do not need to be declared "cancer free" by a doctor in order to beat cancer.  I believe a person can have cancer, but that doesn't mean cancer can have them.  God decides whether we live or die, but how we live our lives is up to us.  For me, I want to use every second of my life giving it to God.  I can beat cancer everyday actually, by allowing God - not cancer - to control my life.  I'm living my life out of the palm of God's hand, and not in the grip of a fatal disease called cancer.  I understand that even after a doctor declares a person "cancer free," a person may still be beating cancer for a lifetime through emotional and spiritual damage done by this horrific illness.  I choose to beat cancer now.  I choose to not let this disease wreak havoc on my emotional and spiritual well-being, and I believe God has largely used the people around me as His hands and feet to keep me well.  It is because God has used the support of so many including such a loving local church that I'm apart of, to beat the pants off cancer in my life right now.  Furthermore, He has also used the gift of His word, His loving and solid word.  If you have lifted so much as one little prayer for me throughout this entire journey so far, my heart wells up with an overwhelming thankfulness for YOU and a thankfulness for God Himself.

I've started an album full of cards and emails people (probably including you who is reading this!) have sent encouraging me along this battle.  I have not thrown away one card or deleted one email sent to me as a message of encouragement from anyone who has taken the time to care enough to send one (this includes the little cards sent with flowers too!). I've done this because when I start treatment, this will allow me to look back and read all the messages sent to me full of God's word and dripping with Christ-like love to encourage me to keep going.....to know God uses every second of our lives for His glory.  Please know that you have made a huge difference in my life, that I'm grateful for you, and I ask God daily to encourage YOU for His glory and to draw you closer to Him than you have ever been before.  I pray He reveals Himself to you in ways you'd never expect, that could only be of God.  I ask God to show you how much strength He has blessed you with and to bless you with wisdom as your pursue desire to live for purpose in His kingdom.  He has beaten cancer for all of us!

He Makes Beautiful Things Out of Us

I'll admit, the last few days have been kind of rough.  None the less, I'm being absolutely real with you when I say, God is always so good.  When rough times come, He is still there for you and it certainly doesn't mean He loves you less.  Honestly, I'm not sure I even know how to start this blog entry....but I will say this....  I don't have to love cancer to know God is using it as a blessing in my life.  In fact, I'm certain that I can still hate cancer but love how God is using it in my life.  God's specialty is taking our ugliest, most shameful, most hurtful, horrible, unspeakable, sinful, darkest, prideful junk and turning it into something more beautiful than we have ever imagined in our lives.  This is my hope, my hope is in God Himself.  What keeps me going?  It is knowing that I have today to live for Him, I have one more minute, one more breath to love Him.  I've had to think about this a lot lately....

Yesterday I found out that a girl I went to college with (she was in a sorority that consistently did socials with mine, and I was familiar with her since I served on Panhellenic Council) died the other night from malignant melanoma - yes, the same exact type of cancer I have.  She had been diagnosed at age 12, fought it and won, and then it returned in Spring 2011.  She left this world at age 26 after fighting a long battle when it had spread to her lungs and bones.  What do you do when you find out someone dies of the same exact illness you are fighting at this very moment?  There isn't necessarily a book out there talking about this on Amazon, or a youtube video or any "how to" guide.  Needless to say, it was pretty sobering and a little startling to know you can still die from this disease and I'm only one stage short from where she was in her battle.  Furthermore, I learned that in the midst of my own fears/struggles, I can't expect for my friends and family to know exactly what to say to me in these moments.  I took a minute to stop and realize, this news is equally as challenging for my friends and family to hear as it is me.  It's not all about me, and maybe it's not all about them either, but it IS all about Jesus.

My sweet friend Lisa came to visit the last few days as my Mom went home on Wednesday to get some work done.  Fortunately, Lisa is a Physician's Assistant and wonderful Godly friend who has made such a strong impact on my life for Christ years ago.  I'm sure I asked her hundreds of medical questions, and was so blessed to just talk about who God is and how His hope is everlasting.  She has a tendency to say things that stick with me for years, and while she was here she casually mentioned that I have to fight for my hope.  I realized how true this is when facing down the pit of fear, pain, hurt, confusion, sickness, and challenge with temptations to give in to self-pity, fear, confusion, pride, loneliness, and bitterness.  Jesus Christ is the holder of my hope, and He has fought and conquered death for me to have that hope.  I treasure that same hope!  We also went on my second walk around the US Capitol building, which was so nice and brought new meaning to "stop and smell the flowers," haha - pictured below.

I'm thankful for beautiful days, I do believe they are gift from the Lord Himself.  We are not guaranteed another one, so I've learned to enjoy the ones we get while we have the ability to experience them.  For me, I'm seeing everything as a blessing through the lens of cancer.  Smiles, laughter, road trips, the ability to put my hair in a pony tail (something I still can't do yet after surgery), running, hugs, and the list could go on and on.  You see, I also found out yesterday from my oncologist that I may lose my hair during immunotherapy treatment.  I had thought this was not a possibility, but decided to ask the oncologist's office anyhow and they said it was in fact a possibility.  Not to mention, a handful of ladies in my online support group DID lose their hair from Interferon immunotherapy treatment.  Of course this can raise loads of questions, but before my mind goes racing down dangerous paths of "what ifs" I have to stop and remember Who is in charge.

On another note, I talked to my surgeon this afternoon and she requested to see me tomorrow morning (Friday Nov 16).  She asked me a bunch of questions about my pain levels and drainage levels.  She explained to me that she had to cut the sensory nerve in my left arm during the surgery in order to get all the lymph nodes out. What does this mean?  This means that the nerve damage in my left arm is actually now permanent, not temporary.  I nearly cried when I heard this as I had been looking forward to it coming back.  Now some of it WILL return, but not all of it, and it will be like that for the rest of my life.  Again, I have to grab a hold of God's word and stop the "what if" train before it goes charging out of sight.

Truth is, I'm a 30 year old single lady.  I do want to be able to go to full day of a work at a job I'm so blessed to have and enjoy;  I want to be able to go have a glass of wine with my girls;  I want to go on a jog and ride horses;  I want to be able to travel on an airplane without wheelchair assistance (this was advised by my doctors until I'm done with treatment);  I want to be able to go on a date;  I want to be able to sleep on both sides and roll over if I want to;  I want to be able to go two-step dancing with friends;  I want to be able to go to church like normal with no drain or tubes attached to me;  I want to be able to go a whole 24 hours without any pain meds or drugs;  I want to go a full week with no bruises or IVs, I do, I really do.  But what I do want more is God's presence.  What I want more is for God to be glorified;  what I want more is to be more like Jesus Christ;  what I want more is for more people to know the freedom and love of Christ;  what I want more is to be driven to my knees in prayer to my Holy King;  what I want more is see God working in my life in ways I could only dream of;  what I want more is for people to want to know God more by seeing His kindness at work in my life and to know He is trustworthy;  what I want more is for you to know God and not just believe He exists.

The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made.  The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. - Psalm 145:13-14, NIV

Sure there are times I get overwhelmed and I have no idea how all of this - treatment, physical therapy, immunotherapy, appointments with handfuls of doctors, surgeries, medications - will all fit in my life.  I wonder what on earth it would be like for a Christian man to date a young lady who has cancer, no hair, questionable fertility (depending on if I need chemotherapy treatments), no feeling in part of her left arm, and also a sinner.  I'm sure it would be easy for someone to add it up and not think it's "God's best" but to be honest, I don't let Satan win that battle.  I'm quickly reminded that God entrusts each of us to each other as a ministry, as a blessing.  I don't expect a Christian man to come into my life as my savior, I already have One and He is the best and only Savior.  In God's perfect timing, I believe cancer will not prevent me from impacting God's kingdom alongside a husband as a ministry, as partners in ministry.  I believe fighting cancer, though a tiresome journey, could only enhance a ministry such as marriage making it that much sweeter and more of a blessing to those who choose to pursue it.  I've prayed that I could only be more of a blessing in this capacity for God's glory given what I've learned about God in battling cancer.  Our hearts for Christ are often what draws us to each other, and I pray for any young lady walking through cancer that she would know as she presses into Jesus, that her heart only becomes more beautiful and more pleasing to her King.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. - Ecclesiastes 3:11, NIV

No one likes to feel helpless, I certainly don't.  But in our fears and helplessness, our minds often charge into the desire to take control.  However, through ALL of the trials this week, I'm reminded again - my life is NOT my own.  My life belongs to Christ, and when I believe that, I'm free to let go.  I'm free to let go of any anxiety or worry that may try to control me.  When I try to take control of my life, my anxiety will only get worse.  God knows how to handle my life better than I do, and I trust Him with everything I have.  No two people are the same, and therefore no two people will handle treatment the same.  God knows this, He made us!  He knows exactly how I will handle treatment and I know He has prepared me to walk through this trial for His glory alone.  You may not be facing treatment, but you are on this journey with me.  And we are all one in the body of Christ, so I know this impacts you as it does me.  I'm praying you are encouraged this very night with restful sleep and peace knowing our God is in control, sovereign over everything. 

Breaking Up With Cancer

I'd imagine cancer kind of like a really bad, abusive boyfriend that just won't go away.  You know, the kind that is really awful and you warn all of your girlfriends to stay away from because "he'll just drag you down." It's like cancer just won't accept the break-up as fact and continues to show up in unexpected places, you even find "his" stuff in random places.  You've had an intervention (aka surgery) to get this guy out of your life a number of times, and you both are just so bad for each other.  Your friends even call you up on a consistent basis as a form of accountability to ask you if you've gotten rid of cancer yet, and they ask how you are handling the "break-up" process.  You know if you don't break it off now - for good, and take the steps necessary for cancer to NOT find his way back to you, it could be end of you as we know it.  Basically, I really just need to start seeing someone else other than cancer.  Unfortunately, cancer has a way of finding another person to prey upon and wreaking havoc on a multitude of lives as a result.  I'm breaking up with cancer, it's over, and I'm not even the least bit emotionally attached.  (side note:  ladies, I would not recommend using radiation/chemotherapy as a way to rid yourselves or break-up with a guy in real life!)  Only if it were all that simple!

The last few days have been a challenge to say the least.  I have nerve damage on the back of my left arm and on the underside of my left arm, however the surgeon says it will not be permanent.  She said it would take a number of months for the feeling to return, so I'm hopeful it will return in due time.  Aside from emptying my drain every 8 hours (including at 2 am), the surgeon explained to my Mom that my left arm needs to be massaged every 8 hours also.  Honestly, I wasn't sure if that would make a big impact or not, but praise the Lord....tonight, my friend Sarah and my Mom massaged my left arm and for the first time since surgery, I was able to lift my arm above my shoulder!  I was excited about this small victory!  Of course, I'll be assigned to two more doctors to do physical therapy with me after they remove the drain to help, but these are small steps they told me to do in the meantime.

There have indeed been painful moments.  I won't go into all the gory details, but I've hit my knees a few times from sharp pain.  Without a doubt, taking a shower is a major production but I feel SO much better afterwards.  I'm honestly incredibly grateful for my Mom who has been here to help me through a lot of the not-so-glamorous rehabilitation and recovery moments.  My roommate has been pretty awesome too!  As a side note, please pray for her Mom as well.  Ironically, my roommate's Mom is going through the same exact diagnosis as I am right now, except she is a few months ahead of me in her treatment.  God's hand is truly at work, as I don't believe there are ever coincidences.  My roommate has been surrounded by cancer and has been incredibly gracious, patient, and so compassionate through this entire process.  Such a blessing!  Aside from loving flowers, I also love balloons (and happen to be somewhat of a kid at heart!) and my friend Karen happened to bring this (pictured below) over the day after my surgery, I love it! (Thanks Karen!) So fun!  My biggest complaint at the hospital this last time was why do the adults in the animal costumes only visit the kids?!  I want my picture taken with the furry green frog walking around the hospital too!  How fun is that!?

My Dad and his wife also came to visit me all day on Sunday.  I wish I could have been more fun, but I've been limited to staying inside due to muscle problems and carrying the drain around.  Nancy, my Dad's wife was so kind enough to do my hair while she was here.  She is a great hair stylist and put some highlights in my hair, washed my hair for me, and even gave me a great trim!  I was so grateful!  I had a minor scare, as we thought I was going to have to go back to the hospital on Sunday due to a blood clotting issue.  The muscles across my chest tightened up, especially on the left side, and I had to call around for my surgeon and the on-call resident surgeon.  There were fears it could have been a blood clot since it was restricting my breathing a lot, it hurt to breathe.  However, since the drain was still draining consistently, the surgeon said to take pain meds and rest.  Fortunately, that seemed to work!  I also went for a walk today for the first time since coming home from surgery.  My friend Amy came over to hang out with me and we went for a nice walk up to the U.S. Capitol and back, which was so nice!  It felt GREAT to get out of the house and get some fresh air, not to mention Amy is an awesome walking partner!

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. - 1 Thessalonians 2:8, NIV

I have to confess, I'm blessed beyond any kind of measure (I know, I've said this before).  But I was reflecting on just what a struggle it has been for me to just receive blessings, and to allow people to serve me.  I know there are people that will often say, "If you need anything, please let me know!" And its incredibly sweet, but somehow in the back of my mind I know I would feel bad for taking them up on it.  I know, that may seem prideful to think, "I can figure this out, I mean, surely they didn't really mean it, right?"  Fortunately, a few of my friends have seen straight through this, haha, and have got me at moments where I really need to depend on them or someone to help me out.  The Lord is really showing me how to let others have the joy of serving their sister in the Lord.  For me, I LOVE serving others!  But when it comes to others serving myself, it has been so hard to accept it at times because it has just been so incredibly beautiful and life giving, and a MASSIVE help to me - to the point where I absolutely know I don't deserve it all.  But God is SO very kind.  I just think, "Wow!  God, you are using these people to show your love to me, and it is flat out big, amazing, overwhelming kind of love!" ...and then I remember if this is how loved I feel now, I think about the love poured out for me on the cross - and wow, it's enough to put me on my knees with a poured out heart of thankfulness to our King.  I truly don't deserve it all, not an ounce, but God certainly deserves ALL the glory, every ounce.

After Surgery: Round 2

Well I made it out of surgery!  It was a long day as we arrived at 9 am and didn't leave until 6:30 pm.  I've come to realize the hospital is rarely on time, but I suppose that is ok, I wasn't in any rush to get anywhere.  My friend Sarah came to sit with my family while I was in surgery, and while they were prepping me for surgery I was allowed to have two visitors in pre-op.  The nurse had a hard time finding a vein for an IV, so I was stuck about three times until they were able to administer an IV - ouch!  My right hand swelled up from being stuck, but I think it is going down now.  This time I had my own room in pre-op, which was kind of nice though it wasn't exactly like staying at the Hilton!  As time drew closer, I talked to my surgeon and a host of folks on the anesthesia team.  They gave me three different types of anesthesia:  a patch behind my ear, the gas type, and anesthesia through my IV.  The nurse also gave me a heprin shot for blood clotting, which if you've ever had it, you know how incredibly painful they are - the medicine below the surface stings!

I was completely knocked out for the surgery, but unlike last time I was awake when they wheeled me back to operating room 19.  It made me a little nervous, so I was praying along the way just to trust God and know He is in control of all things.  They wheeled me in and everyone in there was in full scrub gear, they had music playing, lights overhead, and all the equipment laid out for the surgery.  They had my name written up on the board with all my information, and just then, Kayla the anesthesiologist nurse grabbed my IV and said, "You'll feel this in a few seconds." ...and then sure enough, the whole room was spinning.  I laid back and they put this mask on me and Kayla asked me to breathe into it, and shortly I was out.

I woke up with a scratchy throat, because they put me under with general anesthesia they had to put a large tube down my throat to breathe for me while I was "asleep." The anesthesia also made me so tired (and so frustrated, lol) because when my friends/family came back to visit me after surgery, I couldn't keep my eyes open!  I wanted to sit up and socialize, to talk and joke around, but my eyes just would NOT stay open no matter how hard I tried.  The nurse was trying to explain to me how to take care of my incision, and praise the Lord my Mom was there because I can't remember much at all.

Last night was kind of tough trying to sleep with the drain attached, and I was pretty restless.  However, praise the Lord for anti-pain medication!  I took one at my scheduled time and was able to sleep for a few hours, then Mom had to wake me up to empty the drain.  I have to take the anti-pain medication every six hours, and the drain has to be emptied every eight hours.  I'm SO hopeful that the drain will not have anymore contents by Wednesday, so I can go and have it removed earlier than Friday. The results from the surgery are not due back until Friday time frame, which is when we should get the pathology report telling us the amount of cancer found in the remainder of my lymph nodes and just how many lymph nodes the surgeon had to remove.

I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be at this time though I'm still not able to get around super easy.  I'm incredibly blessed to have friends coming over with meals!!  I'm truly so grateful, beyond words.  I am not able to leave the house with this drain attached, and my muscles under my left arm were cut to remove the lymph nodes and tissue.  I'm not able to open doors or even pick up water bottles with my left arm, so I have to be extra careful.  It's just such a blessing to know I don't have to worry about how I'm going to get food or where dinner will come from. I'm incredibly humbled by the selflessness of people around me, especially how God is working through them to serve me for Christ's glory!

I have to say, doing mission work for three years has been such an immense blessing as I've walked through this.  God has used my experiences in going to share the Lord with people who do not know Him in third world countries and experiences teaching orphans to really show me how beautiful His plan really is, and how He orchestrates everything for His glory.  I'm beyond blessed to have access to modern medicine, clean food, clean water, and quality medical care.  God is so beautiful, and I'm so thankful for His love.  I'm also even more thankful for the encouraging messages I've received from so many friends/family, all of which help keep me focused on the character of Christ Himself.

We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers.  We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. - 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3, NIV

YOU are a blessing to me!  God is so faithful, and as I lay fighting the pain of the incision and drain tubes running through my left side, I am reminded of Jesus in the Garden of Gesthemane.  Jesus prayed for Himself, and knew His suffering would count for a greater glory.  If Jesus can be so loving to lay down His own life so that we may know the love of God and be reconciled to God, enduring my own pain seems so minute and small.  I pray God uses my own suffering for His glory and to bring people to Himself, and looking at my circumstances through that lens makes it all so very worth it.