I'll Never Be The Same

I have not been abducted by aliens.  I know, it has been a while since I've posted.  Sorry!  I'm working full-time again, as I may have mentioned before, so between that and living life, my time has been limited.  Needless to say, everything has been running at full tilt and I have a lot less time to stop and reflect.  However, the holidays are upon us which provides ample space and time to not just continue my conversations with God, but to also "have a talk with myself" about how things have been going post-cancer. 

In fact, someone asked me this past weekend at a housewarming party, "Do you think the post-cancer high has worn off yet?"  As you may recall - as I'm sure my friends do - as my energy began to return and I was feeling great again, I wanted to spend all my time out and about, doing things, living life, hanging out with friends, meeting new people, working, exercising, etc.  I'm sure my friends began praying for me to come down off my cloud as I was pressuring them on occasion to watch movies until late hours, grab coffee at 1 am, go dancing at a moment's notice, and I basically just turned into a raging night owl (well, let me rephrase - NOT the raging night owl one may be in their early 20's).  But the truth of it is, sure, I've become somewhat readjusted to "normal" life and I try to talk my friends into late hours less and less, however, I've learned that it is ok that I'll never be the same again.  Honestly, weathering all the trials and terrible circumstance would be an absolutely tragic waste if I stayed exactly the same.  I truly believe God uses our pain to mold us and shape us into something different, something more like Him and His character.

The post-cancer high will most likely never end for me, and I hope it doesn't.  Now that the dust has had more time to settle, I've had to take a look around and survey the damage done by this terrible illness.  And you know what, I made it out alive - at least for today, and today is all I need for God's glory.  Everything is different.  I find myself getting so much more emotional so much easier when talking about God's grace, His kindness, the absolute rest in His sovereignty,  and just how thankful I am for every single little thing He has given me, nothing is too small.  God's finger prints cover everything in our lives, most of the time we are too blinded by ourselves to see them.  Out of God's own mercy for me, He did something He didn't have to - He allowed cancer to be the clay and spittle upon my eyes that He used to wash my eyes clean, to be able to see - and see life more clearly through a lens only He can provide.  Every moment matters, and I never want to miss it.  Every laugh, every tear, every smile, every hug, every deep conversation, every encouraging word, every truth revealed, every one moment, all of it.....you see, for months and months I was forced to miss out on so much as chemotherapy held me back quite a bit.  I don't want to miss out on any of it.  THANK GOD I had to go through cancer.....how much cheaper and expendable would it all seem without the experience of it all being taken away? 

Chemotherapy was terrible, sure.  But in those moments where I was too weak to do a thing, even too weak to read the bible because these drugs completely wipe you out, and all I could do is lay on my bed and pray.  To me, the prayers probably made no sense, but I know God is thankfully so gracious to hear my feeble attempts to call on His name.  OH!  Side note:  my hair is growing back!  It's about two inches long now - mixed in with pieces of my regular hair that seemed to hang on.  It looks weird, I have a Mohawk type thing going on, and one wild cowlick going on which leaves me with the "I-just-rolled-out-of-bed" look.  I realize it'll take years for it to be back where it was, but my hair has finally completely stopped falling out - PRAISE the Lord!  It took about 4 months total for it to stop falling out after I took my last chemo injection. 

So what is next?  Well, I have a major check-up on December 13.  Full day of bloodwork and CT scan at Johns Hopkins Kimmel Cancer Center.  I'm not nervous about the bloodwork at all really, but the CT scan will be the more nerve wracking part.  I've started coughing again last month, just a dry cough, the same type of cough that started when the masses showed up in my lungs in May of this year.  Though, I really think I'm just paranoid and it's all a placebo.  I don't think about it too often, but it is in the back of my head.  At the end of the day, it really isn't worth getting worked up about - I totally and completely trust God with my life, and I trust that His hand is guiding everything including the wisdom and expertise of my doctors.  Life is too full of God's grace and beauty for us to spend every waking moment worried about what is behind a headache, a cough, "a funny, off feeling," or any other physical ailment.  He is so trustworthy, and so sovereign. 

The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord is enthroned as King forever.  The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. - Psalm 29:10-11, NIV

PS - I'm incredibly grateful for the grace of everyone who has weathered this last year with me.  I'm truly thankful for you....and even more thankful for the grace you give me.  You have been the hands and feet of our King to me, and had mercy on a lowly sinner such as myself to care for me in a time of need.  While I hate to admit this, the "needy" the Lord constantly talks about in scripture is ALL of us.

He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; - Psalm 113:7, NIV

It is a sin to despise one's neighbor, but blessed is the one who is kind to the needy. - Proverbs 14:21, NIV

But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.  You are my help and my deliverer; you are my God, do not delay. - Psalm 40:17, NIV

I felt incredibly "needy" throughout this last year, not able to do many things for myself....compromising my personal dignity to be able to do things on my own with little help diminished to not even being able to go to the grocery store without assistance or at all.  I felt "needy" thousands of miles away from family and fighting my very "need" for help.  However, out of God's kindness, he humbles us under His caring hands.  Anyhow, I don't deserve the grace I've received from so many, even those who have tirelessly put up with my poking and prodding to stay up late and meet for countless coffees, lunches, and glasses of wine simply because I can now.  It is all is under the veil of grace, and the grace given to me is the top of grace and love from our Creator that changes a heart - my heart, for His glory.  Thankfully, I'll never be the same.

I Had Cancer.

First, I'll bring you up to speed.  I had surgery two Mondays ago on my arm, my second wide excision to be more accurate.  The dermatological surgeon ended up taking out way more than I had anticipated.  After he drew the area to be removed on my arm, I began to get fearful.  My friend Lindsey was with me when they did the drawing, and I looked at her with what I'm sure she sensed as my escalating panic.  As such a sweet friend that she is, and God knowing the exact thing I needed to hear as the doctor was talking (which seemed to sound a lot like Charlie Brown's teacher talking), she mouthed to me, "God is for you." My heart began to rest.  They asked her to leave the room.  They decided to do the surgery while I was largely awake, but decided to numb my entire left arm with local anesthetic and they put a curtain next to my face so I couldn't see what they were doing. The injections began, and I began to cry.  I asked if my friend could come back in the room to hold my hand, they said no.  The nurse held my hand, and I began to remember the scripture from Isaiah 43....

But now this is what the Lord says - He who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior....Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you... - Isaiah 43:1-4, NIV

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I stared up at the huge surgical lights beaming down at my arm.  Cancer began to feel more like a career, and less like something I could just "cut it out" and move on from.  God's grace in my life has been more visible, to me at least, and I'm thankful.  It's all really unpredictable.  

This past week, I got results!  First the surgeon went on with what seemed like 34 questions about the care and condition of my incision, "how is it healing?"  "is there still bleeding?"  "what are you putting on it?"  "have you been able to wash it?"  And all along, I knew there was really only one reason she was calling and that was to give me results.  She said......my pathology came back with no further indication of abnormal melanocytes.  In plain language, no more cancer was detected!  Praise the Lord!!  She went on to say they can never be 100% sure, but I was not needed to come back for anything further other than having my stitches taken out. So after Monday, when they remove the stitches, I'll leave the hospital knowing I will not have to go back for anything until December 13, to have my routine check-up of bloodwork and CT scan.  What a great feeling!  It's still sinking in....

I had another skin exam on Tuesday, and the oncological dermatologist wants to do two more biopsies - BUT.....they are going to wait until February to do them.  They said I've been cut on enough, and they want to give me a break for a while.  I can't complain about that!  I'm tired of having scars and stitches, for sure!  So, life goes on.

A couple people asked me recently what is it that I have learned spiritually from this whole experience, and to be honest, that is a loaded question.  But, the single most important thing I can know moving forward is, there is something to be said about resting in God's sovereignty.  God is truly sovereign, and I relish in resting in His sovereignty.  I was having a very "down" moment a few weeks ago, and a girlfriend of mine challenged me in explaining how she rests in God's sovereignty.  The whole conversation felt sort of overspiritual at the time, but I'm incredibly grateful she said it.  It was as if God had turned up the volume of a megaphone to me through her words.  Regardless if you live or are facing death, resting in His sovereignty is not only enriching and a lifeblood of your relationship with Christ, it greatly improves your quality of life of what you have left.  To really just trust Him, in everything with everything.  Knowing that the same God that parted the red seas and raised the dead, He is on your side and everything happening in life ultimately will serve for your own good through His hands.  It all gives such a peace, such an assailant to worry.  

So, now what?  I move on, living life, for Christ as I did before.  Each trial we have, in some way, makes the next steps so much sweeter and our faith so much more real.  My faith feels less like a cultural norm and more like a living, breathing relationship with Christ Himself.  He's been there with me, holding my hand each step of the way, never forgetting me, never losing His grip on me, and loving me through every tear, every question, every fear, and everything in between.  I'm going to get up tomorrow and go to church, and embrace all that God has for me in Himself.  I've realized that I don't even need my own health to be blessed, I don't need a big fancy house, tons of clothes, the latest new gadget, or a big luxury car to be blessed.  The blessing we have in life is God Himself.  His unfailing love is unfathomable and unchanging.  I'm going to go to work and embrace what God has put in front of me as an opportunity to live for Him.  He never let's go.

16 Things I've Learned As A Cancer Patient

I know it's not a BuzzFeed "listicle" but if I had to sum up what I've learned so far, this is what I've tried to quantify.  But without further delay, I give you the list:

1) Laugh as much as humanly possible.  
Hire a clown.  Rent funny movies.  Call your hilarious friends.  Make fun of your own illness.  Do whatever it takes.  Humor truly makes things much easier.  Having friends that would engage in humor with me over my circumstances brought life to my day, and I believe God used this as a tremendous blessing to find joy in the worst of circumstances.

2)  Get a pet.
I know the timing seems rough, but trust me.  Adopt a cat, get a dog, whatever.  Having a furry friend truly helps.  It's lighthearted, fun, and a great sense of company in the midst of your suffering.  You'll be spending A LOT of time at home in your pajamas, and having a pet can truly be evidence of God's grace as they just want to play or be loved.  My Mom brought my cat from her house to my apartment in DC, and another friend of mine with sarcoma got a puppy.  You won't regret it.

3)  People don't know what to say, and neither do you.
This is a bumpy road.  People WILL say the wrong thing.  People may also say nothing at all.  People will also just let their actions do the talking.  It's a mish mash and no one will ever get it right 100% of the time.  Thankfully, there is grace!  As a patient, you have two options:  get upset and hold it against them, or give them grace and move on.  It's a hard thing to weather at first because your whole world gets flipped upside down and you have no idea who you can depend on for practical help.  But the truth is, even as a patient, you have no idea what to say either.  How do you actually tell someone you have cancer?  It feels weird for the words to even leave your lips.  So, no one really ever knows what to say, you just have to get through it and know a basic human compassion and love exists because God who IS love exists.  If they are close friends, maybe have the conversation about it, and get back to the fight.  Support makes a world of difference, and God is always there with open arms.  We all need grace, and Lord knows I've certainly needed extra grace from family/friends throughout this season!

4)  There is a big difference between a cancer patient on treatment, and a cancer patient NOT on treatment. 
When you are on treatment, life can be extra challenging.  Depending on the type of chemo you are getting, everyone's bodies respond differently.  But common side effects are hair loss, nausea, vomiting, skin rash, swollen everything from fluids, heightened sense of smell, aches, fevers, chills, oversleeping, sleeplessness, chemo brain aka forgetfulness, seizures, and of course, dangerously low immunity and white blood cell counts, low platelets, weight loss or weight gain, low neutrophils, and dangerously high liver enzymes (aka border line liver disease).  All this considered, you can't go to many public places because you'll get sick, if you can even go at all.  You cannot consume any alcoholic beverages and you can't just take a tylenol for your headache.  When you get sick, you can't just walk into a pharmacy and get something to make you feel better - how it acts with the chemo drugs you are on can be life or death.  So, for any sneeze or illness you have to call your oncologist immediately.  It's life altering.  Many times its an infection while on chemo is what kills a cancer patient.  You have to be so careful.  The fatigue is horrendous, and flying anywhere for a visit feels out of the question.

5)  "If you have hair, you don't have cancer."
Ah yes.....the rule often most joked about.  For some reason, if I tell people I have cancer, some might say, "but you have hair!" Haha!  I want to say, "You're right!  I must not have cancer...."  All joking aside, hair can give the appearance we're all ok and nothing is wrong.  Not everyone loses hair on treatment.  One girl I know had chemo for six weeks and never lost a hair on her head, has gorgeous blond hair to this day.  Everyone's body is different.

6)  God is sovereign.
Now I realize not everyone will like this one.  But this is what I've learned.  My healing is NOT up to me, it is up to God.  My healing is not dependent on anything I do, or don't do, or what "level" of faith I may have - it is always, and forever, up to God Himself.  And I trust Him, because He is a loving God who cares for His children that no matter my outcome, He is using it for my good and His (Romans 8:28).  God can do anything, at any time.  Satan was defeated on the Cross, and God is on the throne as King.  I rest in God's sovereignty, knowing He is in control and He is trustworthy.

7)  Nurses make a massive difference.
I became friends with the nurses I've had.  They make a massive difference in how to weather this thing, and a caring hand and warm smile can seriously put you at ease in the midst of what can be the most fearful time of your life.  Nurses, I salute you!

8)  You need people.  You have to ask for help, even if it hurts.
This was hard for me.  My family is over a thousand miles away so I had to depend on people for help. If they back out at the last minute in taking me to appointments, I have to scramble to find someone else who can take off of work.  It's hard, it's humbling, even compromising, it doesn't always feel good, you may even feel like a burden (which feels worse when people say no), but you have to ask for help.  Bite the bullet, get over yourself, and just do it.  Cancer is vulnerable and personal, and it feels weird, I get it.  I can't say it gets easier, but you do grow in some beautiful and awesome friendships as a result.

9) Never take your physical ability for granted, ever.
When you are on treatment, as I mentioned earlier, you cannot do a whole lot.  Exercise is out of the question usually, at least it was for me.  Now I never want to take it for granted.  Go running, ride a bike, go swimming, climb something, go kayaking, go hiking, simply because you can!  If you are healthy, embrace it.  Enjoy it.  Get out there and do it for those who can't.  Physical ability is a blessing from our King Himself, embracing it is a way to worship Him.

10)  Buy the dorky, extra large-print pill box.
Just do it.  It makes life easier.

11)  Cancer is kind of a big deal.
I severely underestimated how much this illness would impact my life.  It was like trying to clean up an oil spill with a paper towel, it bled into everything.  When your in it, somehow it just feels surreal and you can't survey the damage just yet.  But after it's been your "way of life" for a while, you realize just how big of a bomb it has been.  It's a huge battle, a life-threatening illness, a life changing ordeal in a zillion ways.

12)  Hospital food is really not awesome.
Ok, so the first day or two, not bad.  But after a week or two weeks, you just want some Chick Fil A or anything at all but hospital food.  I don't know what it is, but it is just less than desirable.  I'm sure it doesn't help that a bunch of sick people eat it all the time, and when your sick, you probably think everything tastes terrible.  I don't know, but my advice is, if you know a sick person in the hospital, offer to smuggle in food of their choice.  Ha!

13)  Suffer well.
Cancer is an unfortunate circumstance, we all can agree.  But, I believe it is also an opportunity to show the world that God is still good and He can still be trusted.  People would often ask me in the first few months of diagnosis, "Why aren't you mad at God?"  I would just smile and say, "How can I be mad at a God who loves me so much?"  Cancer is an opportunity to put your focus on God, and less of your self.  In a selfie-addicted culture, we're tempted to believe it is all about us.  But in cancer, the daily prayer is to keep our focus on God.  He has a zillion amazing promises to us whether we have cancer or not, but cancer just illuminates the eye and stage of which an unbelieving world can see how trustworthy our God truly is.  Despite every circumstance, we still have it SO good and God is still so good, no matter what.

14)  You get loads of unsolicited diet and medical advice.
Every single solitary cancer patient I talk to mentions this - we all seem to get loads of diet and medical advice from well-meaning people, but 97% of the time they are not doctors and they do not know us that well, and they've never had cancer.  It's astonishing.  I'm not sure what possesses a person to think they know what's best for someone without reading their medical chart and attempt to influence major life-changing health decisions on a person, but people do it.  It just kinda feels like they are trying to "sell" you something.  I've learned, through my own repentance and prayer, to give these people grace..... and to authorize any of my friends to slap me in the face if I ever do this! Ha!  On the bright side, I've become well versed in a multitude of "alternative" diets and treatment plans.  I'm not ashamed to say that modern medicine, by God's grace, has saved my life.

15)  Be a prayer beggar.
Honestly, ask for prayer.  I made the decision to be open about my diagnosis from day one for one reason only:  I wanted prayer.  I was willing to take prayer from anyone who was willing to give it.  I knew I did not have the answers, and even doctors may not have all the answers, but God did have every answer to anything and everything.  I didn't want to doubt Him, and I knew I'd need prayer to get through it.  There is nothing more loving than someone seeking the Creator of the universe on your behalf.

16)  The thought of IVs and/or vaccines is no big deal now.
Anytime I need an IV or a vaccine now, it does not bother me.  Perhaps it was the 4 intra-muscular needles injecting burning nuclear medicine in my arm simultaneously before my first surgery that did it, or the shots of heprin (burning solution given subcutaneously through injection before surgery to prevent blood clotting) - but needles barely phase me now.  I had once calculated that I had over 107 injections over the period of 8 months, and I have no idea what that number is now.  Bring on my next flu shot!

It's Been One Year!

Where on earth do I begin?!  Well, this Tuesday it will be one year since I was diagnosed.  The time has flown by, though I have to admit - when I was on treatment, time seemed to take forever.  Who knew that one phone call on an idle Tuesday afternoon at work could be so life changing?  Well, I know Who knew.  In short, I was diagnosed on September 25, 2012.  The journey over the last year has been a tumultuous one full of ups and downs, laughter, joy, heartache, tears, and just about everything in between.

Words cannot even begin to express my thankfulness to the people who have weathered this journey with me, who have stuck by me in the worst of times and the best.  My thankfulness runs deep for those who have been a shoulder to cry on, and for those who have decided to step-in and hit cancer head on with me shoulder-to-shoulder.  For every visitor, I thank you.  For every card, email, Facebook message, text, I thank you.  For every ounce of grace that has been extended my way, I'm eternally indebted to you.  For those who have made the conscious decision to suffer through this with me even when it wasn't convenient for you, please know that I pray for you - and the Lord truly sees your heart in serving Him in such a way that not only brings Him glory, but goes to meet the deepest need of one of His sheep in such a "needy" time. Being "needy" is not fun, and it is not in my character, so you can only imagine how humbling and sanctifying it can be.  All that to say, there isn't a block party big enough for me to throw to show my gratitude.  Weathering this storm so far from family has been a huge challenge, and I've only had to depend on the kindness of those around me for help.

The DC Cancer Consortium has asked me to share my story with them, and we are in the planning and editing stages of putting together a blog post with perhaps a video and maybe more.  I pray God uses this opportunity to bring glory to Himself and impact others for His kingdom.  I prepared a video to share my story of the last year, which if you like, you can view here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Jy93AKMlyw

So where am I at with everything today?   Well, I'm healing.  Cancer wasn't just physically exhausting, but spiritually and emotionally as well.  Although, reflecting back on this entire thing, I have to confess that I ended up being much stronger spiritually than I originally thought possible.  It's funny how God can show us that about ourselves, huh?  I was very surprised that I didn't catapult myself into a pit of despair, but instead genuinely sought to praise Him and bring Him glory in the midst of turmoil.  Which is all the more reason I know it was truly God at work in my heart and in my life, only He can use me in such a way that surprises even me.  I'm back at work, and am blessed to work for such an excellent company with such a supportive team.  I'm readjusting to all the changes, as when you are sick - life keeps going for everyone else, but it doesn't seem to keep going for you.  So, its a bit of playing "catch up" for lack of a better explanation.

I ran my first 5k since having cancer this past weekend!  It was great that some friends and so many co-workers came out to raise support for the Washington Cancer Institute, which is where I originally had surgeries and treatment.

It was a great feeling to cross the finish line, especially in the company of a sweet friend of mine who had also fought breast cancer this past year.  We crossed the line as survivors...survivors of more than just a race and a battle with cancer, but of the deadly bullet from cancer that rips through every area of your life leaving a wake of destruction.  We pick up the pieces, God shows us how to glue them back together, and we are left with a beautiful mosaic.  It's only beauty that God can orchestrate, He is so sovereign over every detail.

Sure, there has been a lot of pain and anguish, but I truly believe if that is all we focus on in our trials and suffering than we miss seeing God's blessings and traces of grace and mercy in the process.  We become tempted to focus on ourselves and our pain, and we miss honoring God in trial.  Easier said than done, believe me.  But I'm constantly learning that there is joy in suffering because the joy in suffering brings God glory - which in turn brings us joy to glorify Him.  It's not easy somedays, and somedays we just want to hear someone say, "wow, your situation is just really terrible!" because it validates us and let's us know we're not crazy, we're not out in left field for feeling the way we do.  But my point is, there is hope.  A hope greater than ourselves and certainly greater than any circumstance.  The hope in Jesus Christ carries us out of focusing on ourselves and lifts our eyes to an all Mighty Creator and King.  I pray that encourages you as it has me.

On September 30th, I have another surgery to determine if my cancer has recurred.  No idea what the future holds, but I know Who holds it.

For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. - Psalm 61:3-4, NIV

Getting Cancer Should Be Like Winning American Idol...Sort Of

I know, it sounds weird.  But hear me out.  You either get one of those fabulous one on one meetings with your doctor to "discuss" your results where you get the news, one of those closed door types.  Or, like me, your workday gets interrupted with a life altering phone call from your doctor to let you know you have cancer.  I'm not entirely sure why doctors keep talking after they say the "C" word, we're not really listening anyway.  The shock sets in, you can't hear anything they're saying, the room spins, and you're mind starts going a million miles a minute.  BUT.....  what I'm proposing is this:  Before the "C" word is dropped, you are instructed to pack your bags because you have 24 hours before you hop on an all-expenses paid flight to Hawaii (or some fabulously tropical, developed paradise).  Don't worry, insurance covers everything.  Congratulations, you just won!  Quick have a happy hour at work that day, because you're going to Hawaii for all of your surgical and treatment needs until you "beat" this thing.  Google is not allowed on the island, so no need to panic over all the stories that pop up about "your odds" of surviving.  Sure, bring a journal, and your favorite flip flops.  No need to stress over how you'll get to and from your zillions of doctors' appointments, infusion treatments, CT scans, chemotherapy appointments, blood draws, MRIs, surgeries, etc.  It's all right there at the resort.  And the food is always fabulous.  Your relaxed, everyone is relaxed.  Your hospital gowns are always Hawaiian flower print.  Sun screen at 80 SPF (waterproof of course!) is handed out to every guest on arrival, non-scented for those on chemotherapy.  You'll have plenty of time to process the insane emotional roller coaster as you marvel at the beauty God has created, breathe in His presence, and just rest in His arms.  The drains in every bath tub and shower are designed to never clog as your hair begins to fall out, and the free shampoo provided is Nioxin.  You don't look bad without hair, because hardly anyone has hair on the island anyway.  Free concerts are given by Hillsong, Ray LaMontagne, Mozart (its a cover orchestra), and Yanni.  Weather is not too hot, or too cold. Let's be honest, everyone wants to come visit you!  Know anyone that will fund this?   Me neither.  But let me know if it happens.

Perhaps it would take the sting and trauma out of being diagnosed with cancer if we got whisked away somewhere fabulous for a while, but this is real life.  We all have real families, real jobs, real friends, real churches, real commitments, and we are indeed, real people with real problems.  I find that, as my speech about cancer has become so casual due to it being a huge part of my life for about a year now, to many around me it is still not casual.  I try to laugh as I realize this, keep it lighthearted.  Someone innocent asks me a question, I talk about cancer as the natural answer, and the room goes silent.  I forget that everyone isn't used to it like I am.  I feel remorse for unintentionally making them uncomfortable, and then realize how much of a "home" life with cancer has made itself in my life.

Recently, though, I did it.  I finally allowed myself to grieve.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  Straight up broke down and couldn't stop crying for a few hours.  I resisted for a long time as I did not want to throw myself a pity-party, or feel sorry for myself.  And on the overall, I'm extremely thankful and happy!  But there is a point you reach in the journey, and I think that "point" is different for everyone, where you stop and survey the cost that cancer has had on your life.  Kind of like, after a bomb goes off and the smoke clears, you now survey the damage.  That is kind of how I feel.  And it is all very emotional. At least right now.  The illness has impacted EVERYTHING.  I kept thinking of this bible verse in the midst of my tears:

The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. - Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV

I'm still losing hair, which I've now been told may take another month or two to stop.  I know there is the ole, "it'll grow back!" type of encouragement, but the hair will indeed take years for it to be what it once was and at times it can be difficult to feel like myself.  Kind of like when I was in college and a hair dresser messed up and dyed my hair brunette once, I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror - I feel like that some times.  On a further, probably more important note...and a more discouraging one at that, I got another call.

Remember the surgical biopsy I had on the same day as my last CT scan?  The one the dermatological surgeon said "was nothing but a freckle?" Yea, that one.  Well, turns out it wasn't "just a freckle" at all. One of the fellow surgeons at Johns Hopkins called me last Monday, with what I thought would be "benign" results and informed me that the biopsy revealed "abnormal melanocytes" in my left arm.  Now, what on earth does that mean?  I asked that same question.  She said they aren't sure cancer has returned just yet, but there is possibility based on my lab results.  Evidently, abnormal melanocytes means it could be melanoma (aka cancer) and they need to do another wide excision surgery to remove more of my left arm.  Again.  I cried, as I thought, "wait, cancer?!  I thought I was done with that!"  Immediately my mind flashed to the stats on recurrence for someone my age and what this might mean for me moving forward.  Basically, whatever they remove in the next surgery - which will be September 30th at 2pm at Johns Hopkins Hospital - will be sent to a lab to be tested for cancerous cells.  If the cancer has returned, they are thinking it is only at stage 1 and can be easily contained.  We can hope, and pray, that either way, God will be glorified.  I know I don't need to understand "why" all this is happening, I only need to trust in the Lord and know He uses everything for His good (Romans 8:28). The journey continues......

Results Day

The days you receive your CT scan results from your oncologist are usually filled with nerves and some reasonable level of anxiety.  You never really know what the doctor will say.  It's definitely a nervous morning welcoming the opportunity to lean on God like never before.  You think, "what's he going to say this time?  Is it surgery again?  Am I going back on treatment?  Or something else? Am I clear?"  

I woke up at 6:30 am to be picked up by my friend Lauren who graciously committed to being with me the entire day at Johns Hopkins Cancer Center (and I'm sure she can think of a thousand other places more enticing to spend her time!).  I arrived, scanned my little orange card (the one the hospital gives you, with barcode on it) and sat down.  The front desk computer printed out my "list of activities" as I liked to call it.  It is a little paper, looks like a school schedule or an itinerary at a Disney resort, full with times and locations of where you should be and when, and who you will see.  I signed in at Oncological Radiology, and the nurse came out right away with my CT scan solution.  THIS.....was not like any other CT scan solution I've had.  Usually they give me barium sulfate to drink (which tastes like you are downing a quart of orange suntan lotion) or this foul tasting water type stuff.  This drink, was different.  It was made with Crystal Lite!!!  I'm not kidding, it was genius.  I downed the whole thing in a matter of minutes, as I had been fasting for the scan.  I was thrilled and in a great mood since I did not have to drink terrible stuff, ha!  They called me back, found my vein and inserted the IV needle to prepare a catheter in my (right) arm to receive the CT scan contrast mix.

The scan room is usually cold, so they gave me pre-heated blankets....I love that the hospital has these!  It was over within 5 minutes, you slide through the tube twice - once without contrast and the other time with contrast, and then done.  I had the radiology tech take my picture:

Lauren and I then went downstairs to wait for my next appointment, which was to receive my results of the CT scan.  (They NEVER happen this fast, so I was increasingly impressed with the efficiency at Johns Hopkins!)  Lauren did a good job of keeping me distracted, however, lately my mind has been reflecting on this cancer journey.  It is sort of like when you are climbing a mountain, and you are too busy focusing on the security of your gear, who is with you, and the terrain conditions - and then you reach the top, and you stop to turn around and look down.  You see how far you've come, how far you've traveled.  You see every major obstacle, steep cliff, drop in altitude, scary spots, and slippery areas only to realize, you've made it.  It was a lot, and you can only feel overwhelmed with a slew of emotions.  You feel thankful, you feel stronger, you feel exhausted (spiritually, physically, emotionally), you feel hopeful, you feel fear (will there be bigger mountains ahead?), you feel crazy super blessed that you get to see it, you feel closer to God Himself, you feel lifted up, you feel triumphant, you feel emotional, you feel like you have a second chance, you feel like now you can survey where everyone is and what they are doing, and you may even feel like its just you and God up there.  If only I can be worthy of this scripture:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race.  I have kept the faith. - 2 Timothy 4:7, NIV

We were called back, the doctor was ready to give us the results.  The nurse took my vitals, per usual, and we waited patiently for Dr. Lipson.  He came in, and said, "Well, your scans looked terrific!"  In my head, I thought, "What on earth does that mean?!  Does that mean the quality of the scan is good?  Does that mean I have 14 new tumors in my lungs, but its great because we can actually see them there?  He couldn't mean, I'm totally clear, could he?  What?"  He said, "It was clear!"  I quickly asked aloud, "What?!  Is this a joke?!  Am I on 'Pranked' right now?"  I was dumbfounded, and Lauren looked at me in astonishment.  He pulled up the scan images, and sure enough, my right lung was completely and totally CLEAR.  The minor downside, the left lung still had the 3mm mass sitting right there on the wall of my lung on posterior side.  However, he explained that since the little thing hadn't grown any, that "it appeared to not be cancerous."  Though he was quick to remind me that he still wants to heavily monitor it, and my lungs, moving forward.  I asked about my survival rate, which remained unchanged.  We small talked, and then we were were on our way - to lunch, to celebrate!

(My previous scan - showing the two nodes, one on right lung and one on left lung..... such tiny little things that cause so much drama!)

The rest of the day was filled was sharing the good news, and lots of tears of praising God and just joy. My next scan and full day of tests is December 13, 2013 so I will not have to think about "having" cancer again until then.  As for now, I've beat it!  Praise! The! Lord!  Technically, I learned that I cannot be called a "cancer survivor" until I hit my 5 year anniversary.  For the next year, I'll have check-ups every 3-4 months, and then for three years I will have check-ups every six months.  The five year anniversary is a HUGE one for most cancer patients.  Your survival rate dramatically improves, and the chances of you dying of something else are much, much higher.  As for now, I'm technically 10 months N.E.D., or No Evidence of Disease.  The oncology department at Johns Hopkins (and Washington Cancer Institute) no longer use the term "remission" as it appears it is a misleading term.  Now they use NED status, and my last tested removal of cancer was my surgery in October 12, 2012 when I was positive for cancerous lymph nodes.  Kinda crazy, huh?!  

So what does beating cancer feel like?  It feels like that mountain top, maybe even better.  I severely underestimated how much impact this disease would have on my life.  I thought I could contain it in a little proverbial box, tucked away, not able to impact my work life, my social life, my personal life, etc. SO not true.  It bled into everything, and I mean everything.  I lost friends (believe it or not, some people just really don't want to deal with your cancer so they choose to check out all together), I lost hair, I definitely have spent a lot of money on this expensive illness, I lost personal dignity at times, I lost perspective at times, and I lost a lot of physical strength.  But what I gained has been infinitely greater.  If cancer were my greatest opponent (much like that of Bethany Hamilton and Molina Birch in the movie Soul Surfer), and I'd want to thank cancer for not being easy on me.  I'd want to thank cancer for driving me into the arms of my loving God deeper and more frequently than probably anything or anyone else ever could.  I'd want to thank cancer for causing me to hit my knees in prayer on a daily basis to not just pray for myself, but to thank God for showing His grace and kindness through the hands and feet of so many of His servants who truly love Him.  I'd want to thank cancer for forcing me to face more silent sins in my life, and to throw them at the foot of the Cross.  I'd want to thank cancer for making me so joyful and thankful about my life now, that it can never win.  I'd want to thank cancer  for forcing me to learn to ask others for help, as pride swallowing as that can be, the glory God gets is much greater.  In reality, all of these "thanks" to cancer, are really a "thanks" to God.  God used cancer to make me a completely different person than I was a year ago.  Life is a gift, we don't have to live it everyday, but we get to, by God's grace alone.  Wether it is bad, good, or indifferent, we get to LIVE it.    I find myself wishing I had spent more days resting in the palm of God's hand than fighting Him, and now I get to live that out - knowing my God can certainly be trusted with more than just our lives, but our souls as well.  Even if I never beat cancer, it wouldn't change that God is still more than trustworthy and that He is incredibly good to us.  

"You Only Live Once"

I love my life.  Seriously.  I know, I know, even with the whole cancer thing and the last couple of years being super challenging, I can't help but find myself in complete awe of God's kindness.  What do I mean by that exactly?  Well, the best way I can explain it is - God has just opened my eyes, through the experience of cancer, to see so much more clearly how amazing life is all around me.  I'm incredibly blessed, so blessed.  I don't need a new car to feel blessed, or a fancy house, or a new outfit, or to travel to Timbuktu and back.  I don't even need my own health to feel blessed, not everyone in my life has to "understand" cancer, and I just find myself needing less and less to actually be blessed.  The fact is, I'm blessed FAR more than I could ever deserve.  Of course I still have problems like everyone else, but my goodness, at least we can live through them and allow God to teach us more about Himself through trials.  You see that, we can live through it....this is a gift!

Not to sound weird, or morbid, or depressing, but I've told a couple of friends this story and I believe it was definitely of God.  A couple of weeks ago, I was taking a nap and had a dream.  In the dream, I was at Johns Hopkins hospital and I had just learned that I was dying of cancer.  (disclaimer:  I do not actually think I am currently dying of cancer)  I began to weep, but not because I was dying, but because I would eventually not be able to spend anymore time in God's word.  In the dream, my soul ached to pour into God's word and the only thing I wanted (or wanted to do at that point) was read my bible.  Someone had brought me my brand new turquoise New American Standard Bible, and my eyes burned into each page I read.  Then I woke up.  It really impacted my heart, and I find myself looking forward to spending time with God in His word each day.  We have so few days, not one is worth wasting.  But to spend them with God Himself, THIS is really living.  I'm so thankful that I live in a country where I can have access to a bible, as there are so many countries around the world where even if you are found with a bible in your possession you will be killed or jailed.  The bible, it is obviously so incredibly, and profoundly, powerful for entire governments to want to keep it away.  

This Tuesday I go back up (45 min North) to Johns Hopkins' Kimmel Cancer Center for a long day of appointments.  First I start with a 9am CT scan, then 11am my oncologist discusses the results with me, and then a surgical biopsy at 1:30pm.  It's such a weird mix of emotions.  I have good days and I have bad days, sure, just like anyone else.  Part of me gets very tired of going to cancer centers, hospitals, medical centers, doctors offices;  and then part of me feels enormously blessed to even have the opportunity to be treated for cancer at such great hospitals.  Shifting into life off of treatment, I find myself not wanting to miss out on a thing.  I get to live life each day - and am thankful for it, I get to breathe and to just be.  As I start to reflect on this tumultuous journey with cancer, it can be hard not to get emotional.  I think back to all the surgeries, drugs, doctors, hours of physical therapy, IVs, injections, and its a race that I continue to run which makes running through the finish line tape one day that much sweeter.  It's a hard fight.  I've been beaten up by this disease (but not taken out), scarred up, my body was weakened tremendously, and I lost my beautiful head of thick full hair.  But through it all, as I said, God is still soooooo amazingly good.  I'm still blessed beyond comprehension.  Honestly.  There is no faking this.  I'm serious.  God has a longstanding reputation of bringing good out of terrible situations, and God continues to show me more and more blessings everyday that He brings out of cancer.  If I could sum up this whole experience so far via scripture, I'd have to reflect on Deuteronomy 8 (which has become one of my favorite passages in the bible):

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.  Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years.  Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.  Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and revering him.  For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land - a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of hills.  When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. - Deuteronomy 8:2-10, NIV

God has been there with me through the beginning, the now, and He'll be there with me long until He calls me home.  I trust God with my life, I love Him.  I'm not exactly looking for love, because I have found love in God.  True love.  God is the love of my life, and the biggest love I will ever have.  There is so much I don't understand, but that's ok, I don't need to understand it all.  God is trustworthy.  I have no idea what Tuesday will hold, or even tomorrow if we want to be really honest, but I know Who holds it.  Maybe sometimes it takes nearly losing your life, to find it and to see that God has always been holding it all along.  Maybe He pries the plans we have for our lives out of our tightly clenched fists to give us the life He wants for us, the one we were meant to live.  Maybe it takes losing your physical ability for a time to realize it is to never be taken for granted.  Maybe it takes an act of God in the form of cancer to show a flawed sinner that He makes life incredibly beautiful, and to complain a whole lot less and to be thankful a whole lot more.  

In closing, if you get the opportunity, I encourage you to watch this video.  It's about 50 minutes long, but I promise you, it will NOT be a wasted 50 minutes of your life.  This woman, Rachel, is 37, a wife, and Mom of two children.  She is from Canada, a Christian, and also in palliative care (end of life care).  She has lost her battle with cancer, and has weeks to live.  She was invited to speak at a conference to over 600 women in Vancouver, Canada before she passed away.  Her story and what she had to say was incredible, riveting, and profoundly encouraging.  Her courage could only come from Christ Himself, and I'm thankful for her life.  You can view it here:  http://deathisnotdying.com/

#YOLO

The 5k Story

So, months before I was diagnosed - about 5 months to be more precise - one of my dearest friends got engaged.  My sweet friend asked me be her maid of honor and I gladly accepted the honor.  Much like any bride-to-be she wanted to get in shape for her wedding and needed a goal to get her kick started.  I suggested running a 5k, and I'd be happy to sign-up with her and cheer her on.  This was her very first 5k!  We looked up a number of races that were months away giving us plenty of time to condition and train, so we randomly decided on one at the end of September (we were signing up in April/May 2012) and the race just happened to be a benefit for the Washington Cancer Institute.  Well, time went on and life got in the way as it usually does though we'd keep a loose running schedule.

Long story short, I was diagnosed with cancer on a Tuesday, September 25, 2012 and that Saturday - my friend and I were scheduled to run the 5k.  We decided to do it, to go for it.  We showed up and I was shocked to learn that the very race I was running was not only to benefit cancer patients, but all the proceeds went to the Washington Cancer Institute which is where I was being treated.  In my haste in signing up for the race, I had completely overlooked that detail!  I believe only God could orchestrate such irony, and I definitely Him giving me a hug that day.  We ran and finished the 5k!

So now, coming up on one year later, I've decided to run the same 5k!  I'm not on treatment right now, and Lord willing, I won't be on treatment at the end of September.  It's a goal I can shoot for, and I've hired a personal trainer to help me achieve the goal safely.  On that note, if YOU are interested in running with me, you are more than welcome to join in!  You can register by clicking HERE.  The 5k (3.1 miles) is held on September 21, 2013 which is a Saturday morning in Georgetown, Washington DC along the canal.  It comes with a free T-shirt and free breakfast!  There will also be lots of giveaways which make it even more fun.  All the proceeds go to the Washington Cancer Institute, which treats numerous melanoma, sarcoma, and breast cancer patients every day.  My prayer is that people will see that cancer doesn't have to hold you back, and God can receive glory from your life in your weakest, darkest moments.  I have no idea how my lungs may handle it, but I'm willing to try through wisdom and God's grace!  Let's do this and kick cancer in the teeth!

In our sermon at church two weeks ago on the first part of Judges, our pastor explained how God uses the weak to show His strength.  It is when we are our weakest that He is strongest.  And the only way the weak can show strength in those weak, dark moments is through the life and strength of Jesus Christ.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. - Isaiah 40:29, NIV

That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:10, NIV

As for an update, my appointment at Johns Hopkins' Kimmel Cancer Center went well.  First, I was so impressed with the care at Kimmel Cancer Center!  Registration took just a few minutes, and they handed me an orange credit card looking thing, sort of like a student ID card.  It has a barcode and all my information in it!  No filling out papers, no losing papers, no taking hours filling everything out time and time again - nope, its all right there in the card including my pharmacy, insurance, medical history, and demographic information.  Amazing!  Anytime you go anywhere in the hospital for a procedure or an appointment, you scan the card and sit down, then they call you back.  SO efficient!  It was like a Disney World for cancer patients.

The doctor spent an hour with me, and showed me the scans and pictures of my lungs.  There are definitely two masses in my lungs - one 6mm on the right side and one 3mm on the left.  He can't be sure what they are just yet, as he said the quality of the scans weren't that great.  So we are rescanning with a high resolution CT scanner (with more slides - more slides equals more accuracy) on August 13, and get this:  I get the results, THE SAME DAY!!!  That never happens.  I was shocked, but thrilled I didn't have to play a waiting game for more than 2 hours after the scan would be done.  The doctor also wanted more genetic testing.  Right now, I'm BRAF negative, which is very good - it means I have no melanoma genetic mutation in my DNA, so I did not receive the cancer from my parents and I will not pass the cancer on to my children should I have any.  However, he mentioned two other tests - CKITS and NRAS - that he wanted done if I hadn't had them already.  I couldn't recall having them done, so he said if I wanted, as the patient, I could have my original tumor sent up to Johns Hopkins for them to test and examine.  Yes, not joking.  I was shocked....apparently they keep everyone's tumors in a block of wax inside some crazy vault at the hospital where you were first treated, how crazy is that?!  Weird.  Anyhow, the genetic tests will help determine if I qualify for more treatment options.

And.....what would a hospital visit be without an order for a minor surgery?!  Dr. Lipson said the nodes in my lungs were a bit too small for surgery still (they have to be 1cm for lung surgery), so we're sticking to the scans right now with possible treatment.  However, he examined me from head to toe and wants another surgical biopsy done on my left arm.  So I'll be having that done the afternoon of August 13 as well - all done in one day!

So we'll see.  No doubt it is a journey, with many steps and many challenges.  I'm so grateful for the Lord in my life that He never leaves me nor forsakes me throughout any of it.  I'm always learning to fully trust Him no matter what - if I get healed or not - He is still so trustworthy, and I truly just want God to be exalted and glorified from my life however He sees fit.  Trials and suffering often refine us when we go to God to become more like Himself, and I can only hope I reflect God's character more and more with each difficult step.  Thankful for your prayers!

Ain't No Party Like A CT Scan Party

So I had my CT scan on Monday, and went in to the hospital for the results on Tuesday.  It took forever to be called back to the room, and then Dr. Jang came in and seemed chipper.  I admit, I was nervous knowing the entire course of my life would be impacted by the results on this CT scan.  Then he said, the two nodes are still on my lungs.  Yep, same shape, same size (6mm, 3mm), slightly less dense.  In other words, the nodes were still too small to do surgery (biopsy) so I have to repeat the CT scan in two months.  My first feeling:  let down.  I just wanted so badly for it to ALL be gone and out of my life, or at least some definitive answer in how we were moving forward - but alas, cancer being cancer, has no predictability.  I couldn't be more out of control when it comes to cancer.  

However, there was some good news.  I'd expressed how terrible the side effects have been, and that I wanted to get off of Interferon treatments.  The doctor said he couldn't force me to stay on it, but that he supports my decision to get off of the treatments.  He also went on to say that compromising my quality of life for another five months wouldn't be worth the gain.  Studies have shown that one month of treatment can be just the same as 10 months of treatment, so he was ok with me ending treatment - THANK THE LORD!  People have often asked me what treatment is like, and for me it is like going through the seven circles of hell.  It's an incredibly miserable experience, highly debilitating, and makes you feel like a total mess.  But it's over now.  My hair can start to grow back, my energy can slowly return, the chest pains will hopefully go away.  It's over.  Even if the cancer returns, the doctors will put me on a different drug - a much better drug!  So, now I wait.  But at least I can get rid of Interferon!  I wanted to bawl and cry, but part of me was still so worried that somehow it wasn't all good news yet.

All that to say, I've come to be incredibly grateful for the people in my life who have been consistently holding my hand through this whole experience, especially treatment.  To these people, and you know who you are - not only do you mean the world to me, but thank you.  Truly, I thank you.  Getting through treatment has by far been the most challenging thing I've ever had to do in my life, there were good days and bad days - as I'm sure the people closest to me were able to see.  There were days when I didn't even want to be around myself, much less expect someone else want to be around me.  There were days I was scared I was never going to get better, days when all I could do is sit in my room - alone - and ask God what on earth am I supposed to learn in this season.  There were days when you brought me food so I didn't have to spend the energy to get something to eat because I had run out of groceries.  There were days when you called, sent cards, sent flowers, sent text messages, emails, Facebook posts and messages, etc. - all done CONSISTENTLY - just to see how I was doing.  You didn't make me feel like a charity case, but rather a sister to be loved without any of your own personal gain, without using me to fill your need to be needed.  You loved me freely, and my heart rejoices with praise for your loving example.  You prayed for me, which to me is the most loving thing anyone could have done for me.  You consistently reached out to me.  You let me know that I was not forgotten.  You would come watch movies with me, talk with me, make me laugh even when I thought I couldn't laugh at all.  You gave me encouragement when my spirits were on life support.  You've consistently directed me to the love of Christ by being the love of Christ to me - even to the very end of treatment.  I am sincerely grateful for you, and words cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for your consistency.  Because you have been consistent, I have felt safe and cared for.  Please know that I trust you, and your consistency in weathering this storm with me means more than you'll ever know.  While there is still a road ahead, and two modes on my lungs, the journey isn't over - but I at least wanted to express my gratitude in some way, as a deep heartfelt THANK YOU.  This isn't much, but please know God has used you in my life in some rather big ways, and I'm sincerely grateful.  You've made a difference in my life.  You didn't have to do it, but you did.  Thank you.

Last night I went to the Life With Cancer (www.lifewithcancer.org) support group for Young Adults.  It was such a healing time!  Having people go through the same stage of life as me - and with cancer - was such a wonderful blessing, and to me, truly represented how God can bring good even out of the most crummy situations.  People laughed, people cried, people yelled (though not at each other), people got mad, people were thankful - it was just a very safe place to be real.  I believe God has really been giving me a heart for cancer patients throughout this whole experience, and I have no idea what He is doing to do with it.  I'm incredibly grateful when I'm able to meet with other survivors or fellow warriors, and immediately identify with the pain they've walked.  Knowing the road is checkered with victories and disappointments, gives you a sense of the person's story and makes you feel normal about you again.

So, I still have a long road ahead.  I'm hoping my scan in two months is CLEAR, of course.  I'm hoping that melanoma leaves my body and never returns.  But I wait.  

It's Not Just Skin Cancer

This past week, I've been trying to rest and soak in nature outdoors.  I'm still having some chest pain, not sure why.  I'm hoping it is unrelated to the two spots found in my lungs from my last CT scan.  I went down to the surf shops and beach here in Clearwater, Florida to buy some shorts (it's HOT here!) and a beach towel.  As I reached for the beach towels placed underneath the shelves of SPF lotions, sunscreen, and tanning oil, a young woman proudly grabbed the "Exotic Dark Tanning Oil" with no SPF and sailed to the cash register for her purchase as she said to me, "I live dangerously!" Ironically, I looked at her over my left shoulder which has two 9 centimeter scars from multiple surgeries of removing malignant melanoma cancer.  I looked at her, and pointed to my scars, and gently said, "I'm sure you don't want these!"  She looked at my arm, and swapped her non-SPF for some actual sunscreen WITH SPF.

It's not just skin cancer.  My prayer is that this blog entry would bring awareness to what IS melanoma.  Melanoma is the most deadly, most aggressive type of skin cancer.  There is a projection of 76,600 cases of invasive skin cancer in 2013, according to the American Cancer Society. It accounts for more than 9,000 of the 12,000-plus skin cancer deaths each year.  Melanoma is the fastest growing cancer in the United States and worldwide.  According to the Melanoma Research Foundation, the incidence of people under 30 developing melanoma is increasing faster than any other demographic group, soaring by 50 percent in young women since 1980.  Melanoma primarily affects individuals in the prime years of life, is the most common form of cancer for young adults 25-29 years old and the second most common cancer in adolescents and young adults 15-29 years old.  Although melanoma is most common in Caucasians, melanoma can strike men and women of all ages, all races and all skin types. One person dies from malignant melanoma every hour.

Don't take from me, I encourage you to read Ashley's story and her last wish:  http://www.king5.com/health/Young-woman-with-skin-cancer--192637701.html
"Meet a young woman who regrets the day she first walked into a tanning salon and why she's making a special appeal now.  Ashley Trenner used to think a bronze glow made her look younger. That's why she was so determined to keep it year round. 'I used to say that I don't care if I die from tanning as long as I die tan,' said Ashley. 'I used to say that. I don't think that way anymore.'"

Or maybe you are a Mom?  If the statistics are not enough for you to stop tanning and wear SPF, perhaps when you see the pain and fear in the eyes of your family/friends.  I'm sure as a Mom, or a Dad, the last thing you think about as you cradle your sweet child, the last thing you think about on their graduation day from kindergarten, or the last thing you think about when you teach them to use a potty - is watching your child, grown up as they may get, fighting for their life in a battle with cancer.  You can hear this mother's story, daughter diagnosed with stage 2 melanoma at age 19:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYzfldQ3OU0&feature=player_embedded#action=share

All of this has caused me to look at my own vanity, my own responsibility I may or may not have in being diagnosed.  Ultimately, I have no idea why I've been a victim of malignant melanoma.  But what I can tell you, is that I have it and I can - from now on - take every precaution I can to not let it get worse.  I believe this is part of being a good steward of the life God has given me!  My life is a gift to me, every breath is a gift and I want to value my life by taking the best care of myself that I can.  Tanning, like smoking, causes cancer.  The bronze glow is not worth it, if it is a glow that will kill you.  I can tell you I carry scars forever, and treating melanoma has cost over $200,000, not to mention a major inconvenience in my job and my quality of life. 

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit [who is] in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? - 1 Corinthians 6:19, NKJV

If you are interested in getting screened for melanoma, I applaud your first step!  Make an appointment with your dermatologist, or family physician, to discuss having a full-skin check for melanoma.  The sooner it is treated, the easier it is to treat - and less costly to your time and finances.  You can also go to www.melanoma.org for more resources or information.  I'm here to cheer you on!  Let pale be the new trend, save your skin and save your life. 

The Lord is so kind to give us life, and part of honoring Him is being a good steward of the life He gives us!

Thankful In A Small World

It's easy to not let our sight go beyond what see day to day.  For me especially, its easy to only focus on having cancer and dealing with cancer that you forget everything else.  Some might say, that's normal, you have cancer so of course you're going to be focused on beating it.  This is partly true, but for me, I've tried to be very focused on just being thankful.  I'd say the most consistent feeling I've had throughout this experience has been one of thankfulness.  Sure, there are bad days where I'm just so tired of being tired, and I'm so ready to be healthy again - but I can't miss all the good in the process.

Around me there exists such a small world.  It's a world of cars, jobs, vacations, pets, hanging out with friends, and the problems that are experienced in this world are very different than the rest of the world.  Or are they? 

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. - Colossians 3:15, NIV

I'm thankful to have access to modern medicine, I'm thankful to be a part of such a loving church who has a heart to serve, I'm thankful for prayer, I'm thankful for my gracious employer, I'm thankful that Jesus came to reconcile us to God so we can have access to God, I'm thankful for laughter, I'm thankful for clean food, I'm thankful for clean water, I'm thankful to have a place to sleep at night, I'm thankful to have a car so I can get to and from the hospital safely, I'm thankful for my family, I'm thankful that cancer is teaching me a lot about how God cares for me.  I could go on and on, but what I want people to know is that before they think God isn't healing me when they pray for it - please look, take a look at everything there is to be thankful for, He gives and He doesn't have to, it's His grace.  But most importantly, He's given me eternal life, that alone is enough to be thankful.  I'm blessed beyond measure, truly.

For the next 3-5 weeks, I'll be going to Florida to rest and let my Mom take care of me.  This will be a huge help, and I'll be returning to Washington, DC at the end of June.  My next CT scan will be June 24th, so hopefully we'll have results on June 25th.  I start another round of anti-biotics today, so hopefully that goes smoothly. 

I'm also excited because I booked a trip to Israel for March 2014 with some girlfriends!  The trip is being led by my friend Marian Jordan (www.redeemedgirl.org), and her pastor and his wife.  I'm VERY excited!!!  I've never been, and cannot wait to SEE where much of the bible took place.  Again, another reason to be so very thankful!  By then, I should be well done with treatment and able to walk the streets of Israel, which has been a dream of mine quite some time.  I will also be getting baptized in the Jordan River!  God is so good!

What are you thankful for?  I've heard once that being thankful is simply wanting what you have.  I'm amazed at what God has given me, especially because I know that He doesn't have to give me anything.  I can't earn His blessing by doing or not doing something, He - by His plentiful grace - just allows me to have such an abundant life, including eternal life with Him.  I can't earn healing, despite what some may tell you out there, healing is what God gives if He wants, and we have to trust that whatever He gives and when is His very best, and for our good. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28, NIV

When Your CT Scan Goes Wrong

I'll get the bad news out of the way first -- my CT scan from this past Friday was not clear.  Yes, it is disappointing and very unexpected but cancer is an enemy that does not discriminate.  I knew something was up when my oncologist was the one who called, usually if the scan is clear someone junior calls to give the patient the results.  He asked if I had a minute to talk (I think they have a class on how to do this in med school or something, they usually say the same intro).

The CT scan revealed that I have two spots on my lungs (or in my chest rather) - one that is 6mm on the right side and the other is smaller on the left side.  The good news is the doctors are not sure if it is an infection of some kind or if it is cancer.  My oncologist consulted with the surgeon immediately and they said the spots are too small to biopsy or do surgery right now, so they are waiting 6 weeks then doing a CT scan again.  If the spots are gone in 6 weeks, then it is not cancer and nothing more will be needed (or so we think).  If the spots are still there, then it is cancer and they'll need to do surgery and switch me to the stronger drug.  And let's be honest, cracking someone's chest open for a biopsy is no small procedure.  It's a major surgery to punch out a piece of my lung on each side and patch it back up.  An infection takes time to clear up, so we can hope that it is only an infection.  However, an infection can still be dangerous because my white blood cell count is low and often times, an infection is what can take a cancer patient down a progressively worse path.  As of right now, my oncologist prescribed another round of strong antibiotics to hopefully get rid of any infection or inflammation in my lungs.  All of this makes sense since I've been having chest pains the last few weeks, fighting a minor cold I've had for about two months, and not getting a lot of rest.  (Below is a pic of the most disgusting barium drink ever known to mankind, and the pretty cup I put it in to make it as fun as possible!  I have to drink two containers of this junk before every CT scan and the taste is SO gross!)


Obviously its not the news we had hoped for, but I do know that God is bigger than any two spots on my lungs and He is up to something far greater than we can see right now.  I want to live in my faith and not my feelings, for sure, and well, sometimes that is a challenge to be honest.  It's an exhausting process to fight sin in my life AND fight cancer at the same time, so any prayers on having strength (physical, emotional, and spiritual) are sincerely appreciated.  The whole thing is getting harder, I'm getting weaker (physically), and my hair has become so very thin.  I look forward to the day when I can wash my hair and hardly any of it comes out.  It's difficult for me to spend hours away from my house because I get exhausted very easily.  I don't say this to complain, but my hope is that friends and family would understand that I'm really not trying to ignore anyone or isolate -- it's juts plain ole hard to get up and go all the time.  God is having to sustain me every step of the way.


Before this all started, I would see commercials of cancer drugs and patients who would be graciously smiling full of bravery looking to the unknown.  You may see screen shots of them walking on a path with leaves falling from nearby trees while talking to a loved one, or even screen shots of them being consoled by a loved one in a doctor's office.  I have no idea who makes these commercials, but the "real life" cancer commercial is nothing like that.  To be honest, its just hard.  You get bad news and your head just spins.  You start thinking things like, "wait a second, I think you just said the words 'surgery' and 'biopsy' right?  Those are big, scary words.  Wait, you mentioned the word 'recurrence' I mean, that's kind of a big deal right?" And then your mind gets consumed.  I know my mind was so consumed, I actually got in a car accident on my way home from work yesterday.  I'm fine, just a fender bender, but it was my fault and an event that was not needed for sure.


So what now?  I have 6 weeks of waiting in front of me.  I have to keep in mind that God is never closer to the vine than when He is pruning it.


Remain in me, as I also remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  "I am the vine; you are the branches.  If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit;  apart from me you can do nothing. - John 15:4-5, NIV


Somehow, God is bringing good out of this - and I'm incredibly blessed and thankful to have people in my life who have walked WITH me through this, and have not forgotten me.  You are constant reminders that God Himself has not forgotten me or left me.  (though I realize even if you did, God is still here with me)  I pray this experience not only has taught me to love better, but has taught those around me to love each other better - and for God's glory.  If this whole mess has done just that, then I can say it's worth it - for people to know who God is and act like Him, just a bit better than before is my hope.  

Break-Ups Are Worse Than Cancer

Over the last 6 months or so, I've had a number of friends - close and peripheral - tell me I should write this blog entry.  After some prayer, and wise counsel, I've decided to put pen to paper for God's glory.  This is not an easy entry for me to write because it is rather personal in nature, but my prayer is that it would be used by God to bring encouragement to those who weather issues of the heart.  So, now I set aside my own pride of wondering what people may think, or say, or do; and allow God to have my pen, praying the words come from His heart.

Within a year's time, I've had to weather both, a very painful break-up AND a stage 3 cancer diagnosis.  Which one has been more challenging to deal with?  Hands down, the break-up.  I had been dating a man for some months who said he wanted to marry me.  By his idea, he took me to try on engagement rings, we had discussed wedding plans (we even had a song!), we met each other's families, and he had even been the first to tell me that he loved me.  Though I had to work through some of my own fears, I arrived at a point through much prayer by the leading of the Holy Spirit to move forward with this man.  However, it all unraveled in a short period of time, maybe a week or two.  It appears he began to become more in love with a fantasy he created in his head, (out of his own fear of committing) instead of with me.  He shared with me that he had always felt God wanted him to marry a woman with brunette hair (I was blond), that he would meet her at church (we didn't), that she would have never had plastic surgery (I did nearly ten years ago for a medical reason), and that for some reason he said he always thought her name would be 'Grace.'  I wish I was making this up, but as you can imagine, I was devastated.  Years of hopes and dreams to be a wife and one day a Mom were shattered so quickly.  The hopes and dreams of my family, his family, our friends - completely crushed.  I felt so incredibly deceived, not even sure how to process the pain in the months that followed.  I felt so very alone, but by God's grace, He drew me closer to His heart. 

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to His heart;  He gently leads those that have young. - Isaiah 40:11, NIV

About 10 months later, on an idle Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call that would forever change my life.  I was diagnosed with full-blown malignant melanoma, and after a surgery, then discovered that it had progressed to stage 3.  Another, more extensive surgery was needed, which would forever impair my immunity by removing part of my lymphatic system.  Then nearly a year of chemotherapy was in my future.  After that phone call, my first thought was to ask for prayer.  I did not want to be angry at God, and I definitely did not want to doubt God's kindness or His goodness.  In the days, weeks, and months that followed, brothers and sisters in the Lord poured out love all over me.  God was using them to touch my heart Himself.  People brought over meals, people offered to come watch movies with me, people offered to come play board games with me, people offered to take me to doctor's appointments, people sent scores of notes and emails of encouragement, people were always asking how they could help.  I felt so cared for, so loved.  And then it hit me....

The break-up was so much harder than dealing with cancer.  I thought about that, and it made me think A LOT about the human heart condition.  The human heart wants so badly to be loved, and it is such a tender thing.  Perhaps this is one reason the bible tells us to guard our hearts...

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. - Proverbs 4:23, NIV

I then realized, why don't we respond this way when one of our brothers or sisters goes through a heart issue?  Why are we not rushing to their side to bring them food, clean clothes, comfort, encouragement, compassionate company?  My first thought would be, "well I don't want to make them uncomfortable, it's too personal."  But to be honest, cancer is also personal, far more personal than anyone may realize.  Cancer is frightfully uncomfortable, and just as debilitating as a broken heart.  I say this so women, and whomever else, might know that it is ok to ask for help in the midst of a hurting heart.  A physical wound or illness will take its course, but wounds to the heart can be known to kill a man before he actually physically dies which is far more painful.  To be honest, I don't sit around wondering if my doctor thinks I'm attractive, or if he is going to text me, or if he's thinking of me, or if he misses me.  I don't wonder if my doctor is going to call me, or what he thinks about me, or any issue of the heart.  No, it's not like a break-up.  There is an enemy named cancer, and we must fight it.  Period.  However, a heartbreak is so much more complicated.

To be honest, I've struggled with anger towards God from a broken heart far more than I have battling a life-threatening illness (I believe this is because the hurt was greater).  But much like any relationship, you work through anger, you work through pain, you work through hurt.  Fortunately, when that relationship is with Christ you will ALWAYS find that He has carried you all along.  His arms have been open out of unconditional love all along, He has never left you.  And then you can remember the story of Sarah and Abraham, when Sarah wanted a child not in God's timing, an entire line of chaos and historical shift occurred out of her selfish, impatience.  Sin drives us to rush into problems, and it also causes us to leave relationships which sanctify us.  God is trustworthy.  We can trust Him with our tomorrows, trust Him with our health, trust Him with our hearts, trust Him with our relationships, He isn't going to steer you wrong.  So what if you never beat cancer?  God is STILL trustworthy and on the throne.  So what if you never get married?  God STILL has your best in mind.  Far more hurt has come from our own fears, impatience, and selfishness when it is so much easier for us to surrender to life He has for us - and to know that life is nothing but GOOD!

My challenge to myself - and to others reading this - is to love better.  Love deeper.  Get invested.  The Greek word for "compassion" means to "suffer with." I pray we become people who will suffer together, walk alongside each other in the midst of heart trials AND health trials.  Broken hearts need just as much care and attention as any person experiencing physical pain.  Be at ease in the midst of your hurt and know that God is there.  My prayer that we, as a church, can suffer with you.   Think of a broken heart the way you would think of cancer!  I promise you, allowing God to use you to apply balm on any wound - emotional or physical - will bless you, and allow you to selflessly love one His own lambs.  For each person who has walked with me through both - you are few, but I am beyond grateful for your heart and your selflessness.  You've picked up broken pieces even when you didn't have to. 

The beautiful thing about brokenness is when the pieces are all picked up and glued back together, you have a beautiful mosaic.  Mosaics are for more precious than the whole piece of colored glass.  We can allow God to use us, by His hands, to be the glue that puts His mosaics together.