Melanoma: Season Three

This is a difficult to post to write.  Perhaps I've been avoiding it because if I actually wrote it out that it would become more real.  Too real to ignore.  Too much to sweep under the rug.  I'm not sure.  To be honest, I'm taking this whole thing day by day right now.  It's all I can give.

A few days before Christmas 2018, I found out that my melanoma has returned.  It has indeed metastasized to my brain this time.  I had a 6mm melanoma in my left occipital at first.  Then when we did another baseline MRI on January 2, 2019, it came back as 9mm.  As we all know, melanoma is very aggressive.

On the medical side, I'm doing another clinical trial, however, unlike last time, both elements in the trial are FDA approved.  I'm doing a combination of Opdivo and cyber knife radiation.  I started Opdivo (PD-1) on January 11 and then had cyber knife radiation on January 18.  My first MRI will be some time in early April.

In terms of lifestyle, my doctor has advised to keep things as normal as possible.  For me, this means to keep running marathons and training for triathlon.  It's been tough.  2019 was supposed to be a great year in triathlon for me.  I signed up for my first full Ironman, my first half Ironman, joined a race team (#IRaceLikeAGirl), and hired an amazing coach.  Instead, I'm hoping to simply do half of what I originally had planned.  I still want to try.  I still want to race.  I know I can't do it without God's help.  I'm still working a full time job I love, and everyone has been just wonderful.  I love going to work.

Anyhow, I'm not entirely sure what to expound on here, but I would appreciate any prayers you could offer.  Further, if you are thinking about it, please consider donating to a research lab for advanced melanoma with a major research hospital at a comprehensive cancer center.  Let's find a cure.

I wish I had grand words of inspiration or wisdom here, but I struggle to find the vernacular to categorize what I'm feeling and thinking right now.  I love Jesus and I want His love to be known through this incredibly messy situation.  If you are finding this post by way of my long running YouTube video, I'm so very sorry you are reading this news.  However, it is my hope that you can find more hopeful news from this situation in the near future.

That being said, here is the email I sent a handful of friends the night I found out I was diagnosed:

Many of you I've been able to talk to on the phone, and some of you may be receiving this news for the first time via this email.

I had a routine MRI of my brain on Monday.  Just a month after I had a brain CT Scan that was clean.  Well, my MRI revealed - with complete shock - that the cancer (malignant melanoma) has returned.  It has metastasized to my brain this time.  However, it is small.  One small tumor about 6mm in size on the left side of my brain.  

Obviously, this was the last news I expected.  Like, I pretty much even thought getting an MRI was a waste of time because I had a clean CT just a month before.  But unfortunately, I do know the type of melanoma I have had (NRAS mutation) is a very aggressive and fast moving type of cancer.  Patients with NRAS tumors don't live long because of how aggressive it is when its in stage four or metastatic (like mine). 

So, I cried.  And cried a lot in the last 24 hours.  I genuinely thought my days of cancer were SO incredibly far behind me and would never ever return.  Of course this is spiritually and emotionally overwhelming.  I can't begin to discern why God would have me go through this a third time.  After all, cancer isn't just life altering it's life *shattering*.  But one thing that is different a little bit, and perhaps this is from people praying, I know God has this in my life for some unknown reason - and I do want to be a good steward of this pain and suffering.  I already know its hard and a long road.  I'm already so tired of the cancer hamster wheel.  But I *will* fight it again.  Surely, God must have something incredible planned from all of this - it's my deepest hope that He does.  

To make it a little harder, my very good friend Cari Vincent, who was diagnosed with breast cancer, had been my friend in the trenches with me.  Cari, who is also a pastor's wife, was so incredibly real about her fight with metastatic breast cancer.  She was transparent about her fears, her sadness, and her anger - but also about her joys and love for God.  Cari passed away just three days ago leaving her husband and three boys.  I was devastated by this, and so when this happened, I didn't even have Cari to call.  I sent a note to her husband, who called me right away last night. He prayed with me on the phone, cried, because we both miss Cari so very much.  We laughed because Cari was always telling hilarious cancer stories (many of which involved our own tragedies).  What I wouldn't give for her to just call me up with her sassy attitude and make me laugh by threatening to turn my hospital gown into a skirt to wear to work!  

Anyhow, I'm aware this is a lot for everyone to take in....and aware that metastatic cancer in the brain is pretty much the most serious place it could possibly be and puts me at risk for other things right now that aren't fun or pretty like nausea or seizures.  I hate that this cancer not only causes terrible hurt and pain to me, but also terrorizes all of you too.  Cancer is a terrorist after all.  I wish I didn't have this story, but its the one God gave me.  

So what next?  

I go to Hopkins at Sibley tomorrow to meet with Dr. Lipson at 9:45 am to learn what the path forward will look like.  I know this will involved radiation of my brain and likely will also involve immunotherapy treatment as well (similar to what I had before).  I've never had radiation before so this will be entirely new for me.  And scary.  The good news is that we already know my body will respond to immunotherapy.  We also know that my body responds so dramatically that treatment can be very toxic.....I had a couple of near fatal side effects from treatment last time.  So its trying to find the balance of killing the cancer without it killing me itself.  

SO......what can you do?   Pray.  I know that can seem trivial, but that's the best thing I can think of right now.  It's also good to still be invited to things and be involved in hanging out like movie nights or game nights.  I may be too tired to come or have to leave early once treatment starts, but it's very life giving to know people still want to be around me even though I have cancer.  Let's be honest, cancer is the "debbie-downer" conversation killer, haha.  

I'm grateful for each of you and thankful for your willingness to listen and see what God is doing here.  I know some of you are just as confused as I am by this news.  Believe me, right now I'm sad, tired, terrified, and angry all at the same time.  All I know to say is that it is well with my soul. One day, there will be no more cancer.  Lord haste the day when my faith shall become sight.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 - He had made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning to end.

Blessings,

Kristina

A Second Diagnosis

For those of you finding my blog by way of my YouTube page, I'm sad to update that my cancer has returned. As of June 2016, the melanoma has metastasized to my left kidney. Below is the following email I sent to a handful of friends when I found out: 

Hey y'all,

Today was a very difficult day.  As of today, around 2:30 pm this afternoon I was diagnosed with cancer - again.  Some of you know I had a biopsy of my left kidney earlier this week, and it turns out the tumor in my left kidney is indeed metastatic melanoma (the same type of cancer I had before).  This is the most dangerous and serious scenario possible.  I got the call from my doctor literally seconds before I was to walk into my Senator's office to let him know I accepted a new job.  

Side note:  On June 27, I'm set to start as the new Communications Director for the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Science, Space, and Technology.  (for you Houston and East Coast Florida peeps, that means we oversee all of NASA!)  

And today, in timing that I trust was the Lord's, I found out the diagnosis that I feared most.  I entered the Senator's office, and out of His kindness, my manager and our Legislative Director let the Senator know about my diagnosis as I composed myself outside the office.  Truly, I have worked with such an incredible team and a wonderful Senator who loves Jesus - he is the real deal - and God has been so gracious to allow me to work with these dear fellow believers.  The Senator, who I've worked for the last two years, gave me a hug, said he would be praying for me, and asked to pray right there.  All four of us joined hands and prayed; a moment I will never forget for the rest of my life.  A lot happens on Capitol Hill, even prayer in the midst of a crazy day.  Such a sweet, human moment acknowledging the Lord's power over this and I kept thinking of the verse where two or more are gathered.  What a kindness from the Lord!  I held it together the best I could, and fell apart emotionally as I walked out of his office and into the hallway.  God bless them for being there for me in one of my most darkest hours of life.  Kristine, one of my best friends, sat with me as I worked to get myself together and called the hospital back to ask more questions. She then forced me out of my office for the day, ha!  You see, Kristine is one of these talented, concise, and thorough communicators that when she has her mind set to getting something done with excellence, she does it.  So, she was set on sending me home, haha!  God love her for that because I couldn't think what was best for me to do in that moment.  Your brain is just fried and not thinking clearly.  

I nearly made it to four years of cancer free.  But today, today we identified the recent culprit.  An active cluster of malignant melanoma cells inside my body that is LITERALLY trying to kill me right now.  There is an active terrorist nesting in my left kidney trying to grow bigger and stronger by the day.  How terrifying is that.  So how are we going to try and stop it?  

Miraculously, there is a clinical trial at Johns Hopkins' Sidney Kimmel Cancer Center (which is where my treatment has been since 2013) and I qualify.  These trial is difficult to get into, and Hopkins only gives out 20 spots.  19 of them have been filled, there was only one left.  I get the very last spot, as though God had my name on it.  It's a cutting edge drug that has been having very positive results with very minimal side effects (massively different and less severe than the first chemo I did in 2013).  What I know right now is limited.  Then the oncology team will order another CT scan which will show us if the therapy is working (praying on my face that it works!).  This could very well make the tumor disappear entirely, and potentially any other harmful cancerous cells floating around.  It only takes ONE cancer cell to find some place in your body to attach and grow.  What if this treatment doesn't work?   

....then I go to a drug called Yervoy, which is a much stronger drug and FDA approved.  However, before we go with the tougher option, we're going to try this therapy first which has been having amazing results.  

Next step:  on Tuesday morning at 9 AM, I'm meeting with my oncologist at Johns Hopkins and the research nurse to sign my life away, again, and get all the info they need.  I could possibly start the IV therapy this as soon as Friday June 17 I believe.  

How you can pray:

*Pray the drugs I'll be taking shrink and kill the tumor and any surrounding cancer cells in my bloodstream

*Pray for me to fight fear as I'm really scared right now (to trust Him)

*Pray that I don't hold onto life too tightly, that I hold it with an open hand allowing God to use my life for His glory and just fully trust Him with everything

*Pray that I grow in my understanding of God's grace and working out my own salvation through this trial

*Pray for my friends, family, coworkers that are not committed to following Jesus to come to surrender their lives to Him fully and see how much Jesus loves them!

*Pray that I can love others well through this trial

*Pray that I hold fast to God and His truth in the coming months

To keep in mind, I'm still choosing NOT to be that public about this.  I will when the time is right, but for now, I'm limiting it to the group receiving this email.  So please don't forward this, blast it out, don't share it on social media, and keep it confidential.  I'm still trying to determine the best way to share this news. 

I'm grateful for each of you and your choice to love me through this. I know it's not easy, and people often aren't sure how to confront and deal with cancer - but I do encourage you to simply ask me.  You're welcome to email, call, or text encouragement or bible verses to me anytime - I always need it.  Undoubtedly, I'm so thankful for your patience and grace with me and willingness to bear my burdens with me.  You're all examples of God's sweet, everlasting love and grace.  As 1 Peter 4:8 says, Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  I certainly have a multitude of sins, and am beyond grateful and undeserving for your willingness to love me through them - and through this trial set before me.  

For the Christian, our suffering and trials produce a perseverance in Christ, a hope, a character, a deeper dependence on God, in which we able to be sanctified to look more like Him!  Praise God, our suffering indeed holds a deep purpose!  But for the non-Christian, what purpose does suffering and trials actually have?  Some may say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  Sure, but then what?  Stronger for what?  There's no eternal purpose in being merely stronger for the sake of being "stronger" other than for ourselves.  But with Christ, our trials and suffering produce a change in heart that nothing - not even Satan - can take away from us.  

If you've made it this far in my midnight rambling out of a mix of delirium and dried tears, thank you!!!  I owe you a brownie and a high five!  :-)  

In His Grace,

Kristina

The Blessing of Forgetfulness

At this past New Years Eve, I had an awesome time with an amazing group of girlfriends in Houston, Texas.  Likewise, I'm also on a group text of five other women from my home church here in Washington, DC, and in both groups, we decided to come up with one or two theme verses for the next year.  I chose these two verses:

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. - Psalm 51:10, NIV

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. - Philippians 4:8, NIV

These two verses have been a consistent prayer of mine nearly every day.  At times, its easier than others.  Purity of heart goes further than just omitting sexual sins and debauchery.  I've found that purity of heart dives into our motives, what we think about money, how we view giving and generosity, how we think about others, how we talk about others, how we think and talk about our work, how we use our time, even why and how we approach God, and the list goes on and on.  All that to say, the mere verse of Psalm 51:10 has been an incredibly sanctifying verse to meditate on the last few months.

The sweet part of this verse isn't simply the request for a pure heart (in which one has to acknowledge that their heart is NOT pure first before they can request a pure heart), but also the request for God to renew a steadfast spirit within.  (Some other scripture versions use the word "right" instead of "steadfast")  The word "renew" is so sweet.  The word "new" brings about the picture of clean, fresh start, a second chance, a new beginning, a do over, out with the old and in with the new, improved, and restore.  And God certainly promises to give us a new spirit should we be humble enough to seek Him!

I also came across another verse shortly after I chose the two verses I mentioned earlier:

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. - Matthew 5:8, NIV

Undoubtedly, God counts purity of heart as a good thing, a blessed thing, and something to be desired.  And no doubt, it is something we will all be working on till God calls us home.  A chance to start over, a new spirit, to have a clean heart; what sweet imagery and what a relief!  We no longer have to carry the sins of our past around with us, but we can hold fast to the promises of God and what was finished work on the Cross to know we can be redeemed.  We can have a renewed spirit, we can seek purity in heart, we can let go of our past sins and be worthy to sit before our Holy God.  Nothing else defines you except Christ Himself.  Not your past sins, not your work, not your school, not your health status, not your marital status, not your economic class or how much money you make; the purity of your heart and what defines you is squarely in the hands of an Almighty God.  He is the One that renews and makes all things new!  What a comfort!  ....and what a promise!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! - 2 Corinthians 5:17, NIV

Coming up, I have an oncology checkup on Friday, May 20th.  I was supposed to have my oncology checkup on April 8, but I forgot.  Yep, I forgot.  Can you believe that?  I actually forgot.  The significance of forgetting the appointment is rather significant to me, ha!  You see, three years ago, I would have NEVER forgotten an appointment like that, nor would I have been able to forget it.  It's certainly a pain to reschedule and pay for the appointment I didn't get to, but its a weird blessing in a way.  My life has moved on.  I became so enmeshed with living life beyond cancer that I completely didn't think about getting to my next checkup.  It was an odd relief.  I'm a tremendously different person today than I was a mere three years ago, and it is all by God's grace.  While cancer was absolutely traumatic and painful in a multitude of ways (as chronicled earlier in this blog), I've moved on and able to heal (emotionally and physically) and appropriately let go.  Sure, there are memories and rises in concern from time to time, but by God's grace, I'm still here.  My heart is still beating and my lungs are still working.  I'm able to have more days to serve our God and others.  I'm able to have more birthdays too!

For those who have weathered this journey with me, there are not enough words of thanks but know your treasure in heaven is plenty.  God surely knows.  God has used you to teach me more about selfless love and pure compassion.

So on May 20th, I'll go for the usual round of CT scan, bloodwork, and oncological exam.  It's all routine.  And then I'll leave the cancer hospital and get on with my day!  It's always sobering, as there are many who are still in the cancer hospital that are not able to get on with their day - and I could easily still be in their shoes.  So today I'm grateful for the prayers of so many, and so thankful for the prayers of those who help me in seeking a pure heart and a renewed steadfast spirit.  These are the things that no one can truly take away, not even Satan himself.  Anything that causes us to have a deeper dependence on God is ultimately a blessing, even if it is at times painful or challenging.  

The Risk of Being Real

This is my feeble attempt to provide an update, and to hopefully just make sense of random verbal musings and processing swirling my brain (as I usually do, my apologies if it seems like scattered paint on a canvas).

As for my health, I'm alive!  I'm surviving, things are going well.  I had a check-up recently with bloodwork, and my lymphocytes were actually slightly low.  My oncologist said it wasn't anything to be too worried about, so onward we go.  I need to get around to scheduling my next skin exam just to make sure I'm staying healthy.  I'll have a CT scan coming up in April I believe, so that's the next item on the schedule.  Praying my lungs stay in good condition.

Well, I had a birthday.  If memory serves me correctly, I have a 62% chance of seeing my 40th birthday so the ability to welcome another one is always sweet.  Living in the gift of birthdays doesn't always equal a peachy, happy-go-lucky season of life.  Fortunately, my birthday was so fun and wonderful friends/family to match!

Of course, living in the "value what is now" brings its own blessings and challenges.  You actually have to talk yourself into being ok with "no plans" and mere blank space in your schedule.  After having nearly everything stripped from you including your ability to just go on a jog, you want to embrace every living second of life.  Working through the wake of havoc in one's life brings about a range of emotions and feelings in addition to accrued perspective.  And perhaps perspective that is indeed a gift from God Himself.  We're all a work in progress though, cancer or no cancer.  One thing I've grown to crave and embrace out of a multitude of trials is simply authenticity.  A safe place where it is ok to not be ok, not just for you but for those you are in relationship with too.  The sweet collision where humanity manifests on a path that only God can orchestrate.  He is our Conductor, the knower of our hearts regardless of their condition, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, and undoubtedly our King.  So, why is authentic relationship so risky?

As two friends recently shared with me, their biggest fear in pursuing deeper relationship with someone where authenticity and transparency exists is in fact, rejection.  And rightly so, rejection is a terrifying conclusion.  I also have another group of friends that fear being remotely transparent about any sort of emotion due to the risk of not being taken seriously, or the risk of seeming unprofessional in a city that beckons the dismissal of work/life/balance at every corner.  (We do live in Washington, DC after all)  And mostly the complaint of hesitating in authenticity is, like my first two friends, fear of being exposed, or misunderstood, or abandonment, or not being accepted, or someone taking a look at the deepest intricacies of one's heart and offering the mere proverbial reply, "it's just not good enough."  We all deal with it at some level.  It's scary.  It has the risk of leaving one feeling alone, hurt, not in the popular crowd, rejected, not accepted, outcasted, misunderstood, and a host of other terrifying feelings.  You may actually lose.

However, I am one of those people that does believe God has created us for relationship.  We need relationship with Him.  And further, I go a step to say we need relationship with people too.  God has created us in such a way that as He has loved us first by His own choosing, we can show His existence by our love for others.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. - 1 John 4:7, NIV

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. - 1 John 4: 12, NIV

Simply put, pursuing authentic relationships is far with worth the risk.  C.S. Lewis puts it this way:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

It's not easy.  And I've certainly lost some myself in my lifetime in every way imaginable.  However, we can trust that God has certainly used it for His good.  It is without regret.  Not to say that I wouldn't change a thousand things about the past because I would, but I don't need to - God can (and does) redeem anything and everything.

By His grace, we stand in the face of our fear and hold on to God's truth.  This has been me lately.  Each day, my knuckles have been white from hanging on to Jesus so hard.  It's not that fear is overwhelming, its that my Savior has unfailing truth and an everlasting love.  In the storm, we can hang on and trust that He has overcome the world - and with Him, all things are possible.  By His grace, He can provide an authenticity that doesn't fail, doesn't reject, doesn't leave you lost, doesn't abandon you, doesn't turn you away, doesn't die, doesn't fade away.  God can look at your deepest, darkest, most unsightly scars and scoop you into His arms and never let you go.  Nor would He ever want to, no matter how fearful you are or how much you hold back - He is there.

Being authentic with God is a sweet, most sacred place that compares to nothing else.  He alone makes us whole.  And being able to take up the risk, and seek authenticity among believers is a risk worth taking.  Human beings may fail you, but the you may never know the fruit on the other side.  To know and be known is a gift God brings in a community of believers, and the relationships go even deeper with God's wisdom.  To be completely spiritually naked before another image bearer of God is a level of vulnerability that few may willingly venture to, but the ability - if you are that person observing - to return grace is purely in the character of God Himself.  To see past a person's shameful sin, their attempts to manage their image, the mask they wear, the persona they try to emulate to keep it together, to look past all of that and love them anyway is a grace that can only come from God.

So, to that I say, God is worth it.  Grace is worth it.  Humility is worth it.  Kindness is worth it.  Patience is worth it.  Compassion is worth it.  Forgiveness is worth it.  Transparency is worth it.  Authenticity is worth it.  Being real is worth it.  Your heart is worth it.  You are worth it.  Jesus is worth it.  Love is worth it.  

Looking Above The Waves

I promise this isn't a lame surf analogy.  Just hear me out....

This week, I've been thinking a lot about what is eternal and what is not.  Why do we often care so much about the little things we do?  Why get stressed about some of this stuff?  In DC, we are often surrounded - or bombarded really - by the obsession of impression management.  People scurrying about to do the best they can to impress, wanting everyone to think highly of them, pouring over their social media accounts to post (or not post) the right opinion, or photo, about something, spending hours over the perfect new chic outfit, prizing their own opinion, scanning for opportunities to insert their intellectual prowess to prove their value, constant name dropping and boasting of a plentiful roll-a-dex to show the value of being 'in-the-know'.  I'm certain there isn't a person within the DC beltway that hasn't been subject to this, or hasn't fallen victim to it themselves.  But why?   Who are we actually serving when we do these things?

Recently, I've been reading "Spiritual Depression" by Martin Lloyd-Jones, and no - I'm not depressed.  It is an incredible read.  If you pick it up, and you decide to read only one chapter, I direct to the chapter Looking At The Waves.  (Now, if you love surfing, like me, undoubtedly this will get your attention!)  The story is about Matthew 14:22-31, NIV:

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's  ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." "Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." "Come," he said. The Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

In this, Peter took his sight off of Jesus, and he quickly came into deep trouble.  Peter took his eyes off of Jesus and began looking at his circumstances - he saw the wind, and undoubtedly, he saw the tumultuous waves around him.  He took his focus off of what IS eternal, and he began to sink.  As a result, fear gripped him - a fear he didn't have before, while he was looking at Jesus and stepping out onto the waves.  Jesus was what Peter saw, his gaze above the waves and looking at His savior.

What is also beautiful as Martin Lloyd-Jones writes in the chapter:

"We see Him, Himself, walking upon the waves, though they were stormy and turbulent, and we see Him likewise enabling His servant, the apostle, to do the same." 

The Lord has given us the ability to survive the storm, to survive the turbulent waves.  We need only keep our eyes above the waves and on Him.  When we began to stare at the circumstances around us, the trials we may have, the people we strive to impress, the boyfriend/girlfriend we want, the high opinions of others, the inadequate ways we view ourselves, our raging and jagged pride, even the unfolding of horrific events around us occurring in the world - we take our eyes off of Jesus.  We begin to fret, to toil, to peddle, to worry, to fear, to grow angry, to obsess about worldly things, to manage our image, to grow anxious, to get restless, to take control instead of trusting God - and the results are that we sink, we become overwhelmed just as Peter did.

"...we ourselves produce our own doubts....[Peter] produced his own doubts by looking at the waves...We often lead ourselves into depression, we lead ourselves into doubts by dabbling with certain things which should be avoided," Martin Lloyd-Jones goes on to say in the chapter.

I need this reminder daily, maybe even hourly.  As we go about our day, we are constantly tempted to look down around us; to take our gaze off of Jesus and onto ourselves, or onto our circumstances or both.  This week, I found an old quote on a Christian blog I had read, it said this:

"God has not commanded you to be admired or esteemed. He has never bidden you defend your character. He has not set you at work to contradict falsehood (about yourself), which Satan's or God's servants may start to peddle, or to track down every rumor that threatens your reputation. If you do these things, you will do nothing else; you will be at work for yourself and not for the Lord." - Author Unknown

As I read that, I feel relief wash over me.  A sting of conviction and admission that I have often been the one to jump head first into the trap of impression management before.  But there is the relief that to serve the Lord, I must not look down at the trap - I must keep my eyes above the waves, on Him.  A relief that comes with resting in His sovereignty, trust God wholeheartedly with everything - my life, my work, my reputation, my family, my relationships, my basic needs, my everything.  He is worthy. Anything less would be to dethrone Him as the King over my life.  No one or no thing is worthy of sitting upon the throne of our lives except Jesus.

Martin Lloyd-Jones goes on to write, "That was Peter's fatal error; he looked away from Him. It is 'the fight of faith', you are walking on turbulent waves and the only way to keep walking is to keep looking at Him."

So as we face the news of tragedy in Paris, we face the storms of our lives each day, we face the temptation to serve ourselves over Jesus in our own pride and impression management, we face illnesses, we face a host of fears, and any kind of turbulent waves - we can have confidence in keeping our eyes above the waves.  We will not fall with Him as our constant.  We can be certain, as Jesus said to take courage and not be afraid, we do not need to doubt - our eyes can stay fixed on Him.  We can learn so much from Peter.  We can walk through any storm with our focus on Jesus.

Lord, let us serve you, and not ourselves.  Let us look only to you, and not to any distractions around us. Let us fix our gaze on what is eternal, what is lasting, and what we carry with us from earth into eternity.  Let us look above the waves, at you, our only true Savior.

How It Started Three Years Ago

I didn’t recognize the phone number, but answered it anyway.  It was 4:45 pm on an idle Tuesday afternoon, and I was looking forward to getting out of work to meet a girlfriend for dinner.  It was my physician, “do you have a minute?”  For a second, I couldn’t think of why on earth she was calling me.  Then it registered, maybe something was wrong with my biopsy from six days ago.  She asked me to get a pen to write down what she was about to tell me.  It was a blur, more like hearing white noise.  Phone numbers, measurements, wait, what?  Oncologist. Surgeon. Those are serious words, I was thinking to myself.  Tears started to well up.  My mind flashed to danger of doubting God, and I closed my eyes to silently pray, “God, I never want to doubt for one second that you are good.”  The talking, or white noise, on the other end stopped.  I asked, “so what does this mean exactly?”  The doctor replied following a weighted sigh, “it means you have cancer.”

This was it.  It was that phone call that you never, ever dreamed you’d get.  Especially not at age 30.  I sat back, put down my pen.  I stared at what I wrote, having absolutely no idea what any of it meant.  Tears were streaming down my face at this point.  I had to tell someone.  But wait, should I?  I mean, this will likely freak out some people.  And my parents, how on earth do I tell my parents?  Who do I tell first?  Is there a rank?  Telling everyone sounded incredibly overwhelming.  What if I’m overreacting?  What if this is nothing at all?  Wait, she said cancer.  She said oncologist.  She said surgery.  That’s kind of huge, I think.  I absolutely cannot do this without prayer, from anyone who would offer it.  I needed prayer. 

I told my boss.  He sat with me while I cried.  He sat with me while I picked up the phone and called the hospital phone number that my doctor just gave me.  No answer.  They closed at 4:30 pm, I had just missed them.  He told me I had all the support I needed, to take the time I need, and was incredibly supportive.  The next two conversations were my Mom and Dad, I don’t even remember the order or what I said exactly.  I just remember saying, “I have cancer.”  And wondering, did those words just really leave my mouth?  Am I in a bad dream?  This can’t be real.  I’m too young to be saying that.  It’s not real.  I have no idea what lies ahead, but I know I need God and I need prayer.

That was September 25, 2012.

It’s been three years.  I wish I could tell you that cancer doesn’t impact the rest of your life, but it does.  You can try to compartmentalize it, but that’s like trying to clean up an oil spill with a paper towel.  It doesn’t stay neatly on it’s side of the table.  However, the lasting impact doesn’t have to be bad.

Are there lasting negatives?  Sure.  I have lots of physical scars (and I’m sure some emotional ones too), lungs that have been through way more than they needed to be at my age, lots of scarred tissue, and been on way more drugs than I can possibly remember.  Not to mention that “lab rat” feeling you get after a while.  Oh, and the tremendous shattering cancer places on a number of your relationships, and your career.  The unknown fertility outcome, because let’s be honest, when you set off a nuclear bomb in your body – even your doctors aren’t sure what happens for years to come.  The list goes on.

But…..

I can rejoice.  God is sovereign, and because He is sovereign I can trust that His hands are at work for my good and His glory.  I can trust that my suffering has had a purpose.  I can rest in Him knowing that He is making sense out of what seems like it has no sense.  Birthdays have way more meaning now, not everyone gets to have them.  Small things like traffic, dirty dishes, and getting groceries no longer seem like an annoyance.  Going for a run or a workout now seems like a privilege.  The desire to be right for the sake of being right doesn’t matter anymore.  The definition of “stress” takes on an entirely new and adjusted meaning.  Getting your hair done is way more fun, and a privilege.  You want to love people better.  Failure no longer seems as fatal as you once thought it was, you realize God is there to catch you and sustain you. 

Purpose, with God, your suffering has a purpose.

I had felt convicted back then as I still do that I never prayed for my own healing.  I only prayed for God to be glorified.  I gave my life to God a long time ago, and it is up to Him how He uses it.  Whatever He determines that is, it is my privilege to live it out.  I serve a God that can be trusted, and who loves far beyond we can measure.  Today, there are still risks and tough statistics to live out.  According to the instrument they used when I was 30, I have a 58 percent chance of seeing my 40^th birthday.  (One friend of mine recommended writing a letter to myself to open on my 40^th birthday, I might just do that!)  Every day is a gift.   Embrace it, and embrace God’s unfailing kindness.

If you want to see a glimpse of what my first year with cancer was like, this is a short video (so crazy that it now has over 22,000 views!) that was put together for DC Cancer Consortium:  

Someone who saw it recently asked me, why are you smiling in most of these pictures?  I never noticed it before, but when I thought about those times I remembered that I just knew it was always up to God.  Don’t get me wrong, there were definitely bad days.  But, my grasp of truth never wavered only because my God never waivers. 

It’s been a messy but beautiful three years.  Thankful for every piece of it.  Some of the memories come and go.  Each time I go for a checkup, I know I’m only one test away from being right back in that same chair in the chemo room.  Now to the cancer patient who just got a diagnosis, I would tell you this:  Hold on.  Just hold on.  Hold on to God, as tight as you possibly can.  He will never, ever let you go.  Know that in the midst of circumstances you may not ever understand, you can trust that He will use this for good.  You are directly in His care, and it is so much bigger than you can imagine.  So, hold on.  Hold to His truth, hold on to His grace and mercy, hold on to His wisdom, hold on to Him in your good and bad days.  But, just hold on. 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. – James 1:17, NIV 

Explaining Veins

I survived.

I showed up for my MRI bright and early this past Thursday, and I had a male nurse named Kokeb there to help me.  He was from Ethiopia, and hoped to take his medical skills back to his home country one day where he could use MRI technology to help people.  (I thought that was cool)  I digress.....  Turns out, my MRI ordered contrast.  I'd never had contrast in an MRI before.  This means they needed to test my kidneys, and then run an IV (womp, womp).  My kidneys were in excellent shape after he tested my blood and creatnin levels.  This mean Kokeb could start an IV.  This was going to be difficult.  You see, since I've had 18 lymph nodes removed and do not have a lymphatic system in the upper left part of my body anymore, everything has to be done on my right arm.  Vaccines, IVs, blood pressure, you name it.  I have only three veins able to take an IV on my right arm, and they are pretty small.  One is on a nerve, which hurts like you would not believe.  One on top of my hand has been by far used the most and is under layers of scarred tissue (it has been stuck over 150 times, I lost count a while back).  The third is where I bend my arm, so it is too easy to bend the catheters.  Kokeb was up for the challenge.

You see, every time I get an IV, I usually have a new nurse and I have to explain this history to them.  Most of the time they get nervous, some freak out and won't do it.  Those nurses usually call their senior counterpart to do it.  Explaining veins is always just a part of the process.  Kokeb went on top of my right hand, off to an even smaller vein (unusual when inserting contrast) and got it on the first try!  We went in the room, I laid on the table.  He put my head in the cradle, closed the top so it was in front of my face now.  He added a mirror for me to look up, like a rearview mirror sort of, so if I looked up at it, I could see him in the exam room.  This actually made me feel a little better!  He gave me these really thick headphones that played classical music (it was actually more like tunes straight out of Gone With The Wind, haha!).  One cool thing about hospital blankets, is that they are usually kept in these heater like things you would have for loaves of bread at Subway!  He tucked me in with two of them, which was awesome because the room is so cold.  I just breathed easy, laid back, closed my eyes, and prayed.  I thought of this verse immediately:

The Lord Himself will fight for you; you need only to be still.  - Exodus 14:14, NIV

And still I was.  I had to be.  After about 15 minutes or so, Kokeb came back in and injected the contrast into me via the IV, which felt cold going in.  I've learned that contrast, while harmless on the most part, still can take a lot out of you.  I always feel pretty tired for a day or two after having contrast.  The doctors encourage me to drinks lots of water after having it, so I'm slamming back full glasses of H2O for the next couple of days.  It felt good to rest over the weekend, even though I was largely unproductive.

I woke up on Saturday to a message from my oncologist.  I knew that was a good sign.  When it's bad, they always call you.  He said my brain was normal.  (A relief to those that had any doubts or questions!  haha!)  yay!  Now I could go on with life for the next year, not worrying about any brain lesions or intracranial metastasis.

So here we go, another work week.  Another week to take on by His grace.

I was talking to my roommates recently, and I think one thing I've started to notice about myself is that I have this great fear of not using every second of my life for a purpose.  Like not the micro-managey type, but wanting my life to count.  Wanting my time to be towards a purpose.  That sounds kind of exhausting, doesn't it?  Maybe it's healthy, but when I think to what the next chapter of my life will look like, I have no idea what to expect.  In some ways, it's good to be open and malleable.  I don't like to get ahead of God, I want Him to align my steps by opening doors and closing others.  I just want to love for His glory.  Then I realized, I'm going to fail at this.  We all do in some way.  None of us are able to love perfectly, we're not God.  Only God is able to love perfectly.  In a way, it's a relief.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.  - 1 John 4:18a, NIV

We love because he first loved us. - 1 John 4:19, NIV

These verses are etched in my heart, and help me to realize it is only by God's help that I can love others with a selfless, radical love.  I'm so thankful God's love is perfect, and He is there to provide wisdom to us and help us to love like Him.  It is so easy to feel like we fail at this constantly.  We're human beings, prone to sin over and over.  God accepts us and loves us not because we earn His love, we are completely incapable of earning His love.  But....He loves us out of His own grace.  Because He chooses to love us.  Despite how we turn our backs on Him each day in each sin, He still reaches for us, He still loves us, He still wants His best for us, He still provides for us, He still chooses to forgive us, He still wants our hearts.   It rocks my world that God still never lets me go.  God welcomes me not because of any good deeds I've done, but because of what He has done on the Cross.  Game changer.

Failing at loving others doesn't feel good.  It feels a little like having a heavy wave (like Mavericks in Northern California....80 foot wave) crashing on you, pushing you deep down into dark, freezing cold water and you can't even figure out which way to swim up.  And as soon as you make it to the surface and catch your breath, you get another wave in the set coming down on you almost as worse as the first.  You're in the impact zone.  BUT......

There. is. hope.

We can follow the One who does love perfectly.  God washes us new each day, as His word says:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentation 3:22-23, NIV (emphasis added mine)

I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. - Isaiah 44:22, NIV

Literally, I thank God for these beautiful, amazing promises.  Everyday we get a new start with God.  Everyday.  I sincerely pray that I can love like He does, even just a little bit.  A move closer to being less of myself, and more full of Him.  We serve a God who never gives up on us.  With His help, we only get better over time.  He is that kind, that loving, that patient.  Not a minute or second wasted.