I'm Off To Hawaii!!!

I'm not kidding.  You must be as shocked as I was when I realized I was going to such a gorgeous place as a Hawaii, haha!  I can't make this stuff up.  Seriously, God is just THAT good.  God is more than good, He is blows our socks off!  

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. - Psalm 84:11, NIV

The LORD is good to all; He has compassion on ALL He has made....He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him, He hears their cry and saves them. - Psalm 145:9, 18, NIV

A friend of mine from church happens to be in Hawaii this week with a group of friends, and invited me to come out to Hawaii as a getaway to relax and do something else besides be a cancer patient for a few days.  I really thought this not going to happen at all.  I thought, "well that's a nice gesture and thought, but there is no way I can get out there."  My strength waivers at times, but then I remembered the word "relax" that was mentioned.  Well, God doing what He does, He paves the way.  My hotel was taken care of (at quite a fabulous hotel I might add), my Dad generously took care of the flight, and when I asked my employer, the response was, "It's absolutely ok [if you go]!" I was flabbergasted.  My face lit up!  This is really happening!  I'm REALLY going to Hawaii!!!  My heart leaped and turned immediately to thank such a generous Father we serve.  He truly, truly withholds NO good thing from those He loves!

I truly don't deserve this trip, in all honesty I deserve the wrath of God for being a sinner - as we all do - but God in is utter kindness, grace, and mercy decides to bless me with a way to relax in awe of His beauty.  He loves to show off to us, and gosh, am I seriously so blessed to receive His grace!  What an incredible God!  Now, for those who know me, know that I DO absolutely LOVE to surf, haha!  But, while I *may* not exactly be able to surf this time around (taking my surf stuff just in case!) it will be beyond wonderful to just hear His voice in the midst of His glorious riches and beauty surrounding me in a place He made such as Hawaii.  I'll be in this little slice of amazing paradise, that oozes God's glory from Friday (Nov 30) to Wednesday (Dec 5).  Below is a pic of me surfing at Waikiki Beach from my last time in Hawaii - June 2008:

What a timely gift, I was just struggling with trying to sleep and relax following my last surgery.  No joke, I went out and bought lavender everything (lavender is supposed to help you sleep) and a sound therapy machine (my favorite sound is 'ocean') before having to turn to more drugs as a sleep aid.  On Tuesday, I had to go visit my primary care physician regarding the sleep issues and possible thyroid problems.  I was sitting there on the exam table when she walked in, looked at me and said, "Oh Kristina, you have been through so much since I saw you last."  Keep in mind, this is the doctor who diagnosed me with cancer on September 25th via phone call and who ordered my original biopsy.  I hadn't really thought about having "been through so much" and maybe she is right, but I know not an ounce of it has been wasted.  God is redeeming all of it, and using it for His purpose.  I smiled and said, "I just have such a fun time here, I had to come back!"  She laughed and we got on with the appointment.  She ordered bloodwork to check my thyroid, and a flu shot before I left the office.

The nurse came in to give me the flu shot, and it was the same nurse who held my hand in the original biopsy (you could say a little comfort was needed while watching a chunk of your arm cut out and put in a test tube - plus, I'm a hand holder!).  She asked me how I was, and I explained to her that the biopsy from that fateful day came back as cancer.  She didn't know.  It's interesting to me, the life of nurses - they care for us tirelessly, and most of the ones I know work a lot even at tough hours, and some do not even learn the outcome of us patients.  She was shocked when I told her, and she asked, "so can they fix it?"  I told her, "well, they are trying!"  She was very kind, gave me the flu shot - which hurt less than an ant bite in comparison to some of the injections I've been getting lately!

I left that day with a fighter's attitude, thinking of how I want to celebrate the death of cancer with my friends and family.  But while I intend to fight cancer with everything God has given me, I'm reminded that I truly trust God with the outcome of my life....it's His after all, I've given Him my life anyway.  People will often say someone lost their battle with cancer, but I don't believe this.  For a follower of Jesus Christ, we never lose battles with cancer, we can only win.  Death does not win, even when cancer takes over the body.  The day we meet Jesus face to face is to be celebrated!  Now I know its incredibly challenging to keep an eternal perspective when someone you love or care about it dealing with cancer, I get it, I even have my own moments of fear.  But the fear runs away when I realize this life is but a vapor, a small chunk of time compared to the eternity we will spend with our King.  I believe it's ok to ask God for a positive sudden change of events or circumstances, just as long we do not resent Him if He chooses not to comply with our request.  He is more than trustworthy with our very lives, He loves you and me!

Well, I better finish packing my suitcase, and make sure I take plenty of sunscreen.  Please pray that I stay healthy on the trip, and for God to refresh my body and spirit for His glory.  Pray that I can be recharged especially before the Christmas holiday and before beginning intense treatment on January 7.  It's still so surreal.....I'm going to Hawaii!!!  Pray that I am a good steward of the gifts God has given me, especially this trip and that He is glorified.  Y'all will be there with me in spirit, and so grateful for every prayer lifted on my behalf - praying for all of you, and for God to lift your hearts!

Pic-Lines, Ports, & IVs

"Uh, I need wheelchair service....." That's right.  Over the Thanksgiving holiday I traveled to Houston, Texas to be with family and it was recommended that I utilize the wheelchair service at the airport to avoid putting added stress on the sensitive area around the incision - and to avoid the frustration of having to lift my own bags which could strain the surgical area also.  Talk about a humbling experience.  First of all, I'd like to say that I'm perfectly capable of walking - though maybe not super quickly, as I hadn't been given doctor's approval yet.  However, this was viewed as the easiest way to get me from point A to point B without putting too much strain on my system post-surgery.  I sat in the chair with wheels, and was wheeled around.  First noticeable bonus, you don't have to wait in the TSA line!  However, the guy wanted me to raise my arms and I couldn't.  The left side of my body still has underdeveloped muscles which were cut during surgery, along with my sensory nerve and it hasn't rehabilitated yet.  

I got to the other side and the guy from wheelchair service helped me put on my shoes.  I was so hungry!  However, I didn't want to be a burden by asking him to stop at a food place so I could get something to eat so I let him wheel me to the gate where I waited to board the plane.  My friend Tamara told me, "Stop it. If you're in a wheelchair you obviously need help."  She was right, and it was my people pleasing tendencies that stood between me and getting a meal.  I began to feel like I needed to explain myself to everyone (though I didn't), that I wasn't just lazy and trying to get around easily.  Then I saw everything through the eyes of someone who really has to depend on a wheelchair for their permanent mobility, such a compassionate experience.  Everything was different.  A man named Israel Williams was the guy who was pushing my wheelchair around when I got to Atlanta airport (where I was connecting) and he loved Jesus!  I did explain to him about my medical situation, and he said he'd pray for me.  He told me about his family in Florida, and asked about my church.  At first he was starting to share Jesus with me, telling me God had a plan for my life!  It was awesome!  I told him I agreed, and God has a plan for him too!  Israel DID take me to get some food, and then wheeled me to the next gate where I waited to board for Houston.  If you remember him, say a prayer for him - he was especially kind and so caring, he truly had the joy of the Lord in him.

Thanksgiving went well, and was able to visit family and friends, and eat a great meal compliments of the talented ladies in my family.  On Friday night, I began running a fever which seemed to go away after taking a couple Advil.

I had my first day back at work today, which went well!  Everyone was great, and asked how I was feeling just to be sure I was feeling ok.  It was actually a pretty productive day, praise the Lord, and was happy to help keep work moving along for the team.  At lunch time, I went to the hospital for my surgical follow-up appointment.  I managed to read the entire current issue of the magazine, Coping With Cancer while I was waiting.  (I'm not sure who Mary Murphy is from So You Think You Can Dance but apparently she is coping with thyroid cancer, as she was the cover feature)  The article titled, "When Treatment Ends" was actually really helpful and assisted me in adjusting expectations I have of myself (and helped exposed some sinful areas - as in, my expectations of myself to meet everyone else's expectations thus trying to ultimately please people instead of God Himself).  The surgeon came in and looked at everything, said there was some fluid build up under the incision but not enough to do anything about it yet.  She discussed the procedures of installing a pic-line (kind of like a long term IV), a meda-port, and regular IVs as a way for me to receive the drugs I'm set to get during treatment.

There are a few different types of Interferon from what I understand, and I'll be receiving what they call Intron A, or high dose Interferon.  As of right now, I'll be receiving it through a regular IV for 3-4 hours each day for four weeks beginning January 7.  If my veins get complicated, then there is a possibility I will undergo another surgery to install a meda-port in my chest - which would be a temporary hold/valve sort of under the skin, but exposed, to administer the Intron A drugs.  Last surgery, the nurse accidentally blew out three of my veins (which are still bruised as I write this), so we can pray that the IVs go in smoothly and easily.  I recognize that in the month of January, my veins will be poked for administering IV drugs 28 times.  These are scary odds, as when your vein blows out, it gets black and blue and VERY swollen.  But I SO do not want another surgery.  Also, the surgeon did clear me to begin small scale exercise, which was great!  Long walks or light jogs, anyone?!

To help keep my focus on Christ during this time, I decided to choose three verses and a hymn to write on the mirror in my bathroom.  So I chose these:

...give thanks in ALL circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:18, NIV (emphasis added mine)

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. - Colossians 3:12, NIV

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. - Philippians 4:11-12, NIV

And Lord hast the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
-- Horatio Spafford, hymn "It Is Well With My Soul"

I was explaining to someone recently that it's like God is my focus, and everything else that happens is on the sidelines.  But I cannot for one minute take my sight off of my King.  If I take my eyes off of Him, I'm tempted to focus on my own suffering which can lead me down a number of rabbit trails of frustration and self-pity.  Even if I take my eyes of my King to embrace the praise of others, I'm putting my pride in myself and not faith in His own power.  So, I choose to never leave His arms.  To stare adoringly up at my Father, and let His comfort wash over me.  I truly feel if I have the Lord, I have everything I could ever need.  That doesn't mean I don't have desires, but my desires are submitted unto the Lord.  If those desires take me away from Christ, then they are not desires given by Christ.

As a side note, perhaps y'all can help me with something.  I received these flowers (pictured below) from the sweet Armstrong family (said they are family friends of Lacy), and I do not have a way to thank them.  The card that came with them didn't have a return address.... so if this reaches them, THANK YOU!!  Or if you know them, please send my deepest thanks!!  These beautiful flowers absolutely brightened my week and are currently bringing joy and cheer to my apartment!  I love them, and I'm in awe of God's kindness by sending them through such a compassionate spirit.  It's such a sweet gift and a reminder of God's care for me.  Such a blessing!!

Again, I'm just so grateful for God's provision and His unfailing kindness.  I often find myself waking up in the middle of the night (partially from pain) and I reach for God's word and let my Father ease me back into a peaceful sleep.  His word quenches my soul, and at times I don't want to fall asleep because the story in God's word just gets better and better for us - for you, for me, for all of us.  Anyhow, thank you so much for your prayers!  

Chemotherapy vs. Immunotherapy

Praise THE Lord.....the drain is GONE!  Honestly, I'm most excited about the surgeon removing the drain and tubes from my body this past Friday!!  I wasn't sure she was going to remove them, she had thought about waiting until Monday just to wait until all the fluid was absolutely gone.  However, I had written down how much fluid came out every eight hours (as instructed) and handed her the numbers.  The last three recorded numbers had to add up to 50cc or less.  At the time of my appointment on Friday, the last three numbers added up to 38cc.  She asked me, "You really want this drain out, don't you?"  I said, "YES!" So she said, "ok, let's do it, today is the day." I was SO excited!!

Sleeping at night and moving around with this drain is incredibly uncomfortable, even coughing or laughing really hard hurts.  My friend Lindsey came with me to the appointment so she offered to hold my hand (I'm kind of a 'hand holder' during physically painful moments like injections, IVs, etc.), and I hope her hand recovers well because I was holding on for dear life!  I was warned by my friend Lisa who is a Physician's Assistant - in her attempt to be brutally honest with patients - that it would burn....that it would actually burn A LOT when the surgeon took the drain out.  In my mind, I thought, "oh I'm sure she'll just give me a local anesthetic...."  No.  There was no local anesthetic, and I just happened to NOT take my pain medication that morning - massive mistake.  So I fished through what I call "my cancer bag" which is a pink Vera Bradley bag I carry around full of papers, reports, notes, etc. and found a pain pill to swallow before the drain removal began.  The surgeon removed the stitch holding it in place, and she said, "Ok, I'm going to count to three and pull it out very fast......1......2......3......"  Now, I'm not a girl who uses foul language at all - and thankfully I'm still not - but if I have ever been so tempted to throw one out there, it was in that moment laying on the surgeon's table as this 12 inch long drain was ripped out of my side after nesting in there for a total of eight long days.  It burned.  It burned A LOT.  Lisa was absolutely correct.  But.....it was OUT!  Oh happy day!!!  Here is a pic of the Jackson Pratt drain that was stuck in my body (below):

Furthermore, I had to see my oncologist on Friday as well which was the main reason I went to the Cancer Institute anyhow since he wanted to see how I was coming along on my decision for a treatment plan.  He walked in and handed me my pathology report from my recent surgery.  My heart sank for a minute because usually if it's good news, they send someone much more junior like a medical student doctor or lab technician of some kind to tell you the results.  However, this was my oncologist handing it to me so it made nervous at first.  He had a smile on his face and said, "Look...." while pointing to two lines on the paper.  It said 15 lymph nodes had been removed and the number of cancerous lymph nodes were "0." ZERO.  Praise God!!  This means my lymph node staging will stay the same.  However, the unknown is whether or not there are any cancerous cells in my blood stream.

My oncologist explained to me that there are two ways melanoma spreads throughout the body, one is through the lymphatic system - which we can now rule out and two is through the blood stream.  He said even patients that are stage 2 are heavily monitored for blood stream travel, and I'm stage 3 so I will be having more CT scans in the coming months and years.  Another highly risky fact I learned about melanoma is that melanoma does not respond to chemotherapy well at all.  My surgeon said they could easily give me the same chemotherapy drugs they give to patients with breast cancer or brain cancer, and melanoma would not go away.  Melanoma cells are very rarely ever responsive to chemotherapy, except when they are in tumor form.  From my last PET/CT scan, we know that I do not have any remaining tumors in my body of 7mm and higher.  However, melanoma is a tough beast because it is like sand, it spreads in little pieces and we will only know if it is in my blood stream as time passes with coming months and maybe years.  As long as my CT scans continue to be clear, I should be on a path to being completely cancer free and healthy.  So because melanoma doesn't respond to chemotherapy, they have to give me immunotherapy which is a lot like chemotherapy.  Immunotherapy can be just as tough but is designed to boost your immune system so it can fight the cancer cells in the bloodstream or any that are not in tumor form.  Think of it this way:

Chemotherapy = kills cancerous tumors
Immunotherapy = kills cancerous cells

Often when patients have finished chemotherapy, they are put on immunotherapy to make sure any/all cancerous cells remaining are destroyed and to help the body fight them off.  I will officially start immunotherapy on Monday January 7, 2013.  My Mom will fly in for the first week of treatment.  My oncologist has advised me to not work during the first four weeks which is when I will be on the highest possible dose of Interferon - the drug they've chosen for immunotherapy.  However, I'm going to try and work through it, as much as I can.  I really do love my job, and I'd hate to let my co-workers and bosses down, so I'm going to at least try.  I'll be at the hospital everyday for four weeks straight.  Each day, I'll be there for 3-4 hours getting treatment through an IV and they have told me to come straight home and sleep.  The side effects for Interferon are quite tough.  One out of three patients experience depression (PLEASE pray against this!), and nearly all have flu-like symptoms times 10 - so lots of chills, aches, fever, great fatigue, nausea, vomiting, etc.  As I've mentioned, hair loss and/or hair thinning is also a possibility.  I'd say beginning treatment is what I'm most nervous about.  I know God is good, and this is going to be a time when I will most likely need support, prayer, and encouragement more than ever before.  So far, I've been very far from any kind of depression, my walk with God has been quite awesome and I pray I will not fall into any mental traps with this drug.

After four weeks of high dose Interferon, they will drop me back to half-dose for the next 11 months as I will then be taught how to administer the drug by self-injection just underneath the skin.  A friend of mine asked me today, "so when can you celebrate for being cancer free?"  I'm not sure of the answer to this question to be quite honest, but I know it will be at minimum a year from now.  Technically, I believe I cannot enter remission until after two years.  After two years, I can stop having CT scans and oncological check-ups.  Melanoma patients are most at risk for recurrence at year two or three after their first diagnosis.  My oncologist, Dr. Jang, went over my survival rates with me on Friday as well.  He punches in my age and all these facts about my diagnosis into a computer, and this tool calculates a prediction of my outcome.  Basically, it said I have a 62.3-74.7% rate of surviving another 10+ years.  I'm not sure I like this number or not.  However, my friend Tamara reminded me that our God is so much bigger than statistics.  Our God is One who parts the red sea, He raises the dead, He turns water into wine, He feeds 5,000 on one loaf of bread and one fish.  Cancer is no match for our God.

I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. - Job 42:2, NIV

You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry. - Psalm 10:17, NIV

While beating cancer is a desire of mine, I'm beginning to learn that I do not need to be declared "cancer free" by a doctor in order to beat cancer.  I believe a person can have cancer, but that doesn't mean cancer can have them.  God decides whether we live or die, but how we live our lives is up to us.  For me, I want to use every second of my life giving it to God.  I can beat cancer everyday actually, by allowing God - not cancer - to control my life.  I'm living my life out of the palm of God's hand, and not in the grip of a fatal disease called cancer.  I understand that even after a doctor declares a person "cancer free," a person may still be beating cancer for a lifetime through emotional and spiritual damage done by this horrific illness.  I choose to beat cancer now.  I choose to not let this disease wreak havoc on my emotional and spiritual well-being, and I believe God has largely used the people around me as His hands and feet to keep me well.  It is because God has used the support of so many including such a loving local church that I'm apart of, to beat the pants off cancer in my life right now.  Furthermore, He has also used the gift of His word, His loving and solid word.  If you have lifted so much as one little prayer for me throughout this entire journey so far, my heart wells up with an overwhelming thankfulness for YOU and a thankfulness for God Himself.

I've started an album full of cards and emails people (probably including you who is reading this!) have sent encouraging me along this battle.  I have not thrown away one card or deleted one email sent to me as a message of encouragement from anyone who has taken the time to care enough to send one (this includes the little cards sent with flowers too!). I've done this because when I start treatment, this will allow me to look back and read all the messages sent to me full of God's word and dripping with Christ-like love to encourage me to keep going.....to know God uses every second of our lives for His glory.  Please know that you have made a huge difference in my life, that I'm grateful for you, and I ask God daily to encourage YOU for His glory and to draw you closer to Him than you have ever been before.  I pray He reveals Himself to you in ways you'd never expect, that could only be of God.  I ask God to show you how much strength He has blessed you with and to bless you with wisdom as your pursue desire to live for purpose in His kingdom.  He has beaten cancer for all of us!

He Makes Beautiful Things Out of Us

I'll admit, the last few days have been kind of rough.  None the less, I'm being absolutely real with you when I say, God is always so good.  When rough times come, He is still there for you and it certainly doesn't mean He loves you less.  Honestly, I'm not sure I even know how to start this blog entry....but I will say this....  I don't have to love cancer to know God is using it as a blessing in my life.  In fact, I'm certain that I can still hate cancer but love how God is using it in my life.  God's specialty is taking our ugliest, most shameful, most hurtful, horrible, unspeakable, sinful, darkest, prideful junk and turning it into something more beautiful than we have ever imagined in our lives.  This is my hope, my hope is in God Himself.  What keeps me going?  It is knowing that I have today to live for Him, I have one more minute, one more breath to love Him.  I've had to think about this a lot lately....

Yesterday I found out that a girl I went to college with (she was in a sorority that consistently did socials with mine, and I was familiar with her since I served on Panhellenic Council) died the other night from malignant melanoma - yes, the same exact type of cancer I have.  She had been diagnosed at age 12, fought it and won, and then it returned in Spring 2011.  She left this world at age 26 after fighting a long battle when it had spread to her lungs and bones.  What do you do when you find out someone dies of the same exact illness you are fighting at this very moment?  There isn't necessarily a book out there talking about this on Amazon, or a youtube video or any "how to" guide.  Needless to say, it was pretty sobering and a little startling to know you can still die from this disease and I'm only one stage short from where she was in her battle.  Furthermore, I learned that in the midst of my own fears/struggles, I can't expect for my friends and family to know exactly what to say to me in these moments.  I took a minute to stop and realize, this news is equally as challenging for my friends and family to hear as it is me.  It's not all about me, and maybe it's not all about them either, but it IS all about Jesus.

My sweet friend Lisa came to visit the last few days as my Mom went home on Wednesday to get some work done.  Fortunately, Lisa is a Physician's Assistant and wonderful Godly friend who has made such a strong impact on my life for Christ years ago.  I'm sure I asked her hundreds of medical questions, and was so blessed to just talk about who God is and how His hope is everlasting.  She has a tendency to say things that stick with me for years, and while she was here she casually mentioned that I have to fight for my hope.  I realized how true this is when facing down the pit of fear, pain, hurt, confusion, sickness, and challenge with temptations to give in to self-pity, fear, confusion, pride, loneliness, and bitterness.  Jesus Christ is the holder of my hope, and He has fought and conquered death for me to have that hope.  I treasure that same hope!  We also went on my second walk around the US Capitol building, which was so nice and brought new meaning to "stop and smell the flowers," haha - pictured below.

I'm thankful for beautiful days, I do believe they are gift from the Lord Himself.  We are not guaranteed another one, so I've learned to enjoy the ones we get while we have the ability to experience them.  For me, I'm seeing everything as a blessing through the lens of cancer.  Smiles, laughter, road trips, the ability to put my hair in a pony tail (something I still can't do yet after surgery), running, hugs, and the list could go on and on.  You see, I also found out yesterday from my oncologist that I may lose my hair during immunotherapy treatment.  I had thought this was not a possibility, but decided to ask the oncologist's office anyhow and they said it was in fact a possibility.  Not to mention, a handful of ladies in my online support group DID lose their hair from Interferon immunotherapy treatment.  Of course this can raise loads of questions, but before my mind goes racing down dangerous paths of "what ifs" I have to stop and remember Who is in charge.

On another note, I talked to my surgeon this afternoon and she requested to see me tomorrow morning (Friday Nov 16).  She asked me a bunch of questions about my pain levels and drainage levels.  She explained to me that she had to cut the sensory nerve in my left arm during the surgery in order to get all the lymph nodes out. What does this mean?  This means that the nerve damage in my left arm is actually now permanent, not temporary.  I nearly cried when I heard this as I had been looking forward to it coming back.  Now some of it WILL return, but not all of it, and it will be like that for the rest of my life.  Again, I have to grab a hold of God's word and stop the "what if" train before it goes charging out of sight.

Truth is, I'm a 30 year old single lady.  I do want to be able to go to full day of a work at a job I'm so blessed to have and enjoy;  I want to be able to go have a glass of wine with my girls;  I want to go on a jog and ride horses;  I want to be able to travel on an airplane without wheelchair assistance (this was advised by my doctors until I'm done with treatment);  I want to be able to go on a date;  I want to be able to sleep on both sides and roll over if I want to;  I want to be able to go two-step dancing with friends;  I want to be able to go to church like normal with no drain or tubes attached to me;  I want to be able to go a whole 24 hours without any pain meds or drugs;  I want to go a full week with no bruises or IVs, I do, I really do.  But what I do want more is God's presence.  What I want more is for God to be glorified;  what I want more is to be more like Jesus Christ;  what I want more is for more people to know the freedom and love of Christ;  what I want more is to be driven to my knees in prayer to my Holy King;  what I want more is see God working in my life in ways I could only dream of;  what I want more is for people to want to know God more by seeing His kindness at work in my life and to know He is trustworthy;  what I want more is for you to know God and not just believe He exists.

The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made.  The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. - Psalm 145:13-14, NIV

Sure there are times I get overwhelmed and I have no idea how all of this - treatment, physical therapy, immunotherapy, appointments with handfuls of doctors, surgeries, medications - will all fit in my life.  I wonder what on earth it would be like for a Christian man to date a young lady who has cancer, no hair, questionable fertility (depending on if I need chemotherapy treatments), no feeling in part of her left arm, and also a sinner.  I'm sure it would be easy for someone to add it up and not think it's "God's best" but to be honest, I don't let Satan win that battle.  I'm quickly reminded that God entrusts each of us to each other as a ministry, as a blessing.  I don't expect a Christian man to come into my life as my savior, I already have One and He is the best and only Savior.  In God's perfect timing, I believe cancer will not prevent me from impacting God's kingdom alongside a husband as a ministry, as partners in ministry.  I believe fighting cancer, though a tiresome journey, could only enhance a ministry such as marriage making it that much sweeter and more of a blessing to those who choose to pursue it.  I've prayed that I could only be more of a blessing in this capacity for God's glory given what I've learned about God in battling cancer.  Our hearts for Christ are often what draws us to each other, and I pray for any young lady walking through cancer that she would know as she presses into Jesus, that her heart only becomes more beautiful and more pleasing to her King.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. - Ecclesiastes 3:11, NIV

No one likes to feel helpless, I certainly don't.  But in our fears and helplessness, our minds often charge into the desire to take control.  However, through ALL of the trials this week, I'm reminded again - my life is NOT my own.  My life belongs to Christ, and when I believe that, I'm free to let go.  I'm free to let go of any anxiety or worry that may try to control me.  When I try to take control of my life, my anxiety will only get worse.  God knows how to handle my life better than I do, and I trust Him with everything I have.  No two people are the same, and therefore no two people will handle treatment the same.  God knows this, He made us!  He knows exactly how I will handle treatment and I know He has prepared me to walk through this trial for His glory alone.  You may not be facing treatment, but you are on this journey with me.  And we are all one in the body of Christ, so I know this impacts you as it does me.  I'm praying you are encouraged this very night with restful sleep and peace knowing our God is in control, sovereign over everything. 

Breaking Up With Cancer

I'd imagine cancer kind of like a really bad, abusive boyfriend that just won't go away.  You know, the kind that is really awful and you warn all of your girlfriends to stay away from because "he'll just drag you down." It's like cancer just won't accept the break-up as fact and continues to show up in unexpected places, you even find "his" stuff in random places.  You've had an intervention (aka surgery) to get this guy out of your life a number of times, and you both are just so bad for each other.  Your friends even call you up on a consistent basis as a form of accountability to ask you if you've gotten rid of cancer yet, and they ask how you are handling the "break-up" process.  You know if you don't break it off now - for good, and take the steps necessary for cancer to NOT find his way back to you, it could be end of you as we know it.  Basically, I really just need to start seeing someone else other than cancer.  Unfortunately, cancer has a way of finding another person to prey upon and wreaking havoc on a multitude of lives as a result.  I'm breaking up with cancer, it's over, and I'm not even the least bit emotionally attached.  (side note:  ladies, I would not recommend using radiation/chemotherapy as a way to rid yourselves or break-up with a guy in real life!)  Only if it were all that simple!

The last few days have been a challenge to say the least.  I have nerve damage on the back of my left arm and on the underside of my left arm, however the surgeon says it will not be permanent.  She said it would take a number of months for the feeling to return, so I'm hopeful it will return in due time.  Aside from emptying my drain every 8 hours (including at 2 am), the surgeon explained to my Mom that my left arm needs to be massaged every 8 hours also.  Honestly, I wasn't sure if that would make a big impact or not, but praise the Lord....tonight, my friend Sarah and my Mom massaged my left arm and for the first time since surgery, I was able to lift my arm above my shoulder!  I was excited about this small victory!  Of course, I'll be assigned to two more doctors to do physical therapy with me after they remove the drain to help, but these are small steps they told me to do in the meantime.

There have indeed been painful moments.  I won't go into all the gory details, but I've hit my knees a few times from sharp pain.  Without a doubt, taking a shower is a major production but I feel SO much better afterwards.  I'm honestly incredibly grateful for my Mom who has been here to help me through a lot of the not-so-glamorous rehabilitation and recovery moments.  My roommate has been pretty awesome too!  As a side note, please pray for her Mom as well.  Ironically, my roommate's Mom is going through the same exact diagnosis as I am right now, except she is a few months ahead of me in her treatment.  God's hand is truly at work, as I don't believe there are ever coincidences.  My roommate has been surrounded by cancer and has been incredibly gracious, patient, and so compassionate through this entire process.  Such a blessing!  Aside from loving flowers, I also love balloons (and happen to be somewhat of a kid at heart!) and my friend Karen happened to bring this (pictured below) over the day after my surgery, I love it! (Thanks Karen!) So fun!  My biggest complaint at the hospital this last time was why do the adults in the animal costumes only visit the kids?!  I want my picture taken with the furry green frog walking around the hospital too!  How fun is that!?

My Dad and his wife also came to visit me all day on Sunday.  I wish I could have been more fun, but I've been limited to staying inside due to muscle problems and carrying the drain around.  Nancy, my Dad's wife was so kind enough to do my hair while she was here.  She is a great hair stylist and put some highlights in my hair, washed my hair for me, and even gave me a great trim!  I was so grateful!  I had a minor scare, as we thought I was going to have to go back to the hospital on Sunday due to a blood clotting issue.  The muscles across my chest tightened up, especially on the left side, and I had to call around for my surgeon and the on-call resident surgeon.  There were fears it could have been a blood clot since it was restricting my breathing a lot, it hurt to breathe.  However, since the drain was still draining consistently, the surgeon said to take pain meds and rest.  Fortunately, that seemed to work!  I also went for a walk today for the first time since coming home from surgery.  My friend Amy came over to hang out with me and we went for a nice walk up to the U.S. Capitol and back, which was so nice!  It felt GREAT to get out of the house and get some fresh air, not to mention Amy is an awesome walking partner!

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. - 1 Thessalonians 2:8, NIV

I have to confess, I'm blessed beyond any kind of measure (I know, I've said this before).  But I was reflecting on just what a struggle it has been for me to just receive blessings, and to allow people to serve me.  I know there are people that will often say, "If you need anything, please let me know!" And its incredibly sweet, but somehow in the back of my mind I know I would feel bad for taking them up on it.  I know, that may seem prideful to think, "I can figure this out, I mean, surely they didn't really mean it, right?"  Fortunately, a few of my friends have seen straight through this, haha, and have got me at moments where I really need to depend on them or someone to help me out.  The Lord is really showing me how to let others have the joy of serving their sister in the Lord.  For me, I LOVE serving others!  But when it comes to others serving myself, it has been so hard to accept it at times because it has just been so incredibly beautiful and life giving, and a MASSIVE help to me - to the point where I absolutely know I don't deserve it all.  But God is SO very kind.  I just think, "Wow!  God, you are using these people to show your love to me, and it is flat out big, amazing, overwhelming kind of love!" ...and then I remember if this is how loved I feel now, I think about the love poured out for me on the cross - and wow, it's enough to put me on my knees with a poured out heart of thankfulness to our King.  I truly don't deserve it all, not an ounce, but God certainly deserves ALL the glory, every ounce.

After Surgery: Round 2

Well I made it out of surgery!  It was a long day as we arrived at 9 am and didn't leave until 6:30 pm.  I've come to realize the hospital is rarely on time, but I suppose that is ok, I wasn't in any rush to get anywhere.  My friend Sarah came to sit with my family while I was in surgery, and while they were prepping me for surgery I was allowed to have two visitors in pre-op.  The nurse had a hard time finding a vein for an IV, so I was stuck about three times until they were able to administer an IV - ouch!  My right hand swelled up from being stuck, but I think it is going down now.  This time I had my own room in pre-op, which was kind of nice though it wasn't exactly like staying at the Hilton!  As time drew closer, I talked to my surgeon and a host of folks on the anesthesia team.  They gave me three different types of anesthesia:  a patch behind my ear, the gas type, and anesthesia through my IV.  The nurse also gave me a heprin shot for blood clotting, which if you've ever had it, you know how incredibly painful they are - the medicine below the surface stings!

I was completely knocked out for the surgery, but unlike last time I was awake when they wheeled me back to operating room 19.  It made me a little nervous, so I was praying along the way just to trust God and know He is in control of all things.  They wheeled me in and everyone in there was in full scrub gear, they had music playing, lights overhead, and all the equipment laid out for the surgery.  They had my name written up on the board with all my information, and just then, Kayla the anesthesiologist nurse grabbed my IV and said, "You'll feel this in a few seconds." ...and then sure enough, the whole room was spinning.  I laid back and they put this mask on me and Kayla asked me to breathe into it, and shortly I was out.

I woke up with a scratchy throat, because they put me under with general anesthesia they had to put a large tube down my throat to breathe for me while I was "asleep." The anesthesia also made me so tired (and so frustrated, lol) because when my friends/family came back to visit me after surgery, I couldn't keep my eyes open!  I wanted to sit up and socialize, to talk and joke around, but my eyes just would NOT stay open no matter how hard I tried.  The nurse was trying to explain to me how to take care of my incision, and praise the Lord my Mom was there because I can't remember much at all.

Last night was kind of tough trying to sleep with the drain attached, and I was pretty restless.  However, praise the Lord for anti-pain medication!  I took one at my scheduled time and was able to sleep for a few hours, then Mom had to wake me up to empty the drain.  I have to take the anti-pain medication every six hours, and the drain has to be emptied every eight hours.  I'm SO hopeful that the drain will not have anymore contents by Wednesday, so I can go and have it removed earlier than Friday. The results from the surgery are not due back until Friday time frame, which is when we should get the pathology report telling us the amount of cancer found in the remainder of my lymph nodes and just how many lymph nodes the surgeon had to remove.

I'm doing a lot better than I thought I would be at this time though I'm still not able to get around super easy.  I'm incredibly blessed to have friends coming over with meals!!  I'm truly so grateful, beyond words.  I am not able to leave the house with this drain attached, and my muscles under my left arm were cut to remove the lymph nodes and tissue.  I'm not able to open doors or even pick up water bottles with my left arm, so I have to be extra careful.  It's just such a blessing to know I don't have to worry about how I'm going to get food or where dinner will come from. I'm incredibly humbled by the selflessness of people around me, especially how God is working through them to serve me for Christ's glory!

I have to say, doing mission work for three years has been such an immense blessing as I've walked through this.  God has used my experiences in going to share the Lord with people who do not know Him in third world countries and experiences teaching orphans to really show me how beautiful His plan really is, and how He orchestrates everything for His glory.  I'm beyond blessed to have access to modern medicine, clean food, clean water, and quality medical care.  God is so beautiful, and I'm so thankful for His love.  I'm also even more thankful for the encouraging messages I've received from so many friends/family, all of which help keep me focused on the character of Christ Himself.

We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers.  We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. - 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3, NIV

YOU are a blessing to me!  God is so faithful, and as I lay fighting the pain of the incision and drain tubes running through my left side, I am reminded of Jesus in the Garden of Gesthemane.  Jesus prayed for Himself, and knew His suffering would count for a greater glory.  If Jesus can be so loving to lay down His own life so that we may know the love of God and be reconciled to God, enduring my own pain seems so minute and small.  I pray God uses my own suffering for His glory and to bring people to Himself, and looking at my circumstances through that lens makes it all so very worth it.  

Pink Nail Polish

I know, an unexpected blog since I wrote one yesterday. However, it's 11:30 pm the night before surgery and I'm just praising the Lord out of a heart full of thankfulness. Tonight the elders at my local church huddled and prayed for me at their meeting. It was so special to me, as I've never been to an elders meeting and received church leaders praying over me before! God's kindness is truly revealed in so many ways, and I know it was God who was encouraging me through the elders as He often does with friends and family as well, even co-workers too! The prayers lifted up my heart and were so full of wisdom and truth. I'm truly so grateful for such a caring local church, and humble God fearing elders who care so deeply about the word of God. It was just such an honor for my brothers in Christ to serve me in such a way as praying over me! It truly has me in awe of God as to how He chooses to care for His children, and how we get to be a part of it.

On another note, my sweet friend Amy offered to pray over me as well tonight when she came over to visit! So Amy, myself, my roommate Sarah, my Mom and my friend Stephanie huddled together while Amy prayed, it was such an incredibly blessed moment. I've tried explaining to a few people just how much it means to me to know people are praying for me and to actually have people praying for me, but I'm not sure words do it justice - they are just words after all. Just to know a person - a person with a heart and feelings is taking time out of their day to go before our Holy God and seek Him on my behalf is overwhelmingly humbling to me. I truly don't deserve it, but my word is God so incredibly good to use people in my life in such an intimate and gracious way. I mean, this is JESUS they are asking!! Jesus, the sinless Son of God who chose to lay down His life for us because He loved us more than life itself. The people that pray for me are asking JESUS to heal me, to guide me, to lift me up, to comfort me, to give me peace, to give me wisdom. This is JESUS they are going to for me, a mere servant, just a totally regular person. If there's ever a time when I'm reminded of how incredibly small I am, and how incredibly big God is - it's probably when people say they are praying for me.

He must become greater; I must become less. - John 3:30, NIV

And I'm happy to be so small, because God is truly the One who deserves all the glory. I say this as I'm not trying to be humble here, but I really do mean it when I say: EVERYTHING I have in this life is because of Jesus Christ Himself. My attitude throughout this entire trial, my strength, my courage, my peace, my wisdom and knowledge, my ability to love, my ability to give grace even when I don't feel like it, my comfort, my friends, my family, my job, my apartment where I sleep and lay my head at night... (I could go on for hours).... it's all because of how amazingly good and kind God is, and it's important to know - that even if I didn't have anything to my name, it doesn't change that God is still incredibly good and trustworthy.

I was thinking today, as someone had asked me about the cancer I have, and I had to describe it as "advanced." A flash went through my mind remembering a time in my life where I loved the word "advanced" especially when it was describing the kind of classes I took at school: "Oh she's in the advanced placement history class." Or even describing my ability to ride horses, "She rides at the advanced level." But this is the one time in my life where I wanted to run from the word "advanced" and never look back. It's all surreal hearing yourself talk about "your cancer" with someone. It feels kind of like it's a weird dream, like it's not really you that you are talking about. For me, I don't let this get me scared or worked up. I just trust Jesus. I don't need to wear any "lucky" socks or entertain the idea that anything else can manipulate the handiwork of God. After all, God is bigger than everything and there is no such thing as luck when it comes to the plan of God. He is in control and it is all in His hands.

As a confession, I went and got a manicure and pedicure yesterday. You see, you can't wear any jewelry in surgery, and you certainly can't wear any hair products or make-up. What is a girl to do!? BUT.....I've figured out a way around this, nail polish. Yes, that's right. I got pink nail polish painted on my finger nails and toe nails, and they won't make me take it off for surgery either! I like to be girly, and this is a little way I still get to do that on surgery day, ha! This too, though small and mostly for my fun amusement and joy, is still a little God hug as I believe the little blessings bring Him joy too!

I wrapped up most of my projects and emails at work since I'll be off the radar for a few business days. It was kind of sad leaving the office as I've developed good friendships at the office and truly care about the people I work with. They all have been so kind to me and so supportive as I walk through this battle with cancer. It's an incredible comfort to know the people I work with are praying for me and have been there to help me out with any loose ends at work. I look forward to hopefully going back to the office stronger and better than before, as I hope to continue to live out Colossians 3:23, NIV.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men. - Colossians 3:23, NIV

Before I was diagnosed, I had plans to travel to Texas on November 9th and to spend a week working out of our office in Houston for a host of strategic meetings. This would have also allowed me to see family and friends but clearly plans have changed. We are still hopeful that I can fly to Houston the Wednesday before Thanksgiving to see my family and friends, and will play it all by ear. God has everything planned out, and we can trust His compassion and grace. He is so wise, so much wiser than any of us, and I know He is up to something really cool (as one of the elders at our church would say) whenever someone is going through a tough trial. I believe that to be very true, and I'm so thankful it is true. There is no amount of pain or suffering that is wasted, God uses it all to turn it into something incredibly beautiful - we just can't be quick to judge Him before the story ends. He is always faithful, always trustworthy, always good, always patient with us, and always knows what lies ahead of us.

Surgery Eve: Lymph Nodes & Lungs

I'm sure every young professional in Washington, DC likes to get signed up for a lymph node dissection on a Friday night, right?!  You snuggle into the awesome hospital gown with some kind of mint green print on it, a baby blue shower cap looking thing, and these stylish brown socks with treads on them.  This is my attempt to be lighthearted, haha, as Friday is the day I go in to have all my lymph nodes removed at the cancer site.  I'm sure I've explained this surgery half a dozen times to y'all, so I'll spare you from another one.  Long story short, they are removing all my lymph nodes and testing each one for cancer.  I have no idea how many they will end up removing, but we'll find all of that out when we receive the pathology report 7-10 days after surgery.

I met with the oncological surgeon on Monday to get the remainder of my sutures out and discuss any questions I had ahead of surgery.  She gave me some slightly discouraging news:  basically, we don't know with 100% certainty that the cancer has not reached my lungs (or liver, for that matter).  For malignant melanoma, the first major organ it usually spreads to is the lungs (or liver, or both), then it goes to bones, and then brain.  The PET/CT scan that came back clear tells us that there is no cancer in my major organs that is 7mm and above.  So, there is a possibility that cancer is in, or traveling to, my lungs.  The surgeon said a 7mm tumor in your lungs is considered modest, so it wouldn't impact my breathing and I wouldn't be coughing at that level.  She said they can't just biopsy a person's lungs on a whim since they are not easily accessible with a punch biopsy (what I had originally that told me I had cancer) or a needle aspiration test.  They basically have to wait (yes, I said wait, again) for a tumor to develop to a 7mm proportion and then remove it via chemotherapy - at least from what I understand.  However, she said I will be having more PET/CTs in coming weeks and months to heavily monitor my organs for any spreading of cancer.

The kind of cancer I have is kind of like stirring up a bee-hive (I know I've used that analogy before, but bear with me), once you make it mad by messing with it, it then scatters and travels in small pieces. So since the cancer was already in my lymph nodes with a sizable 3mm piece of cancer, we aren't sure just wear it has floated or for how long.  You see, for malignant melanoma, a tumor that is 3mm or 4.5mm (my original tumor size), is considered rather large and thick.  But for lung cancers, 7mm is considered rather modest.  If they find anything around 7mm in my lungs, removing it should be fairly feasible.  For those of you that don't know the stages of malignant melanoma cancer, it goes like this:

Stage 0 - melanoma is in the epidermis, but not lower layer
Stage 1 - cancerous tumor is 1.0mm or less
Stage 2 - cancerous tumor is between 2.01mm and 4.0mm and ulcerated (has blood vessels going through the tumor) OR cancerous tumor is larger than 4.0mm but not ulcerated
Stage 3 - cancerous cells have been found in lymph nodes
Stage 4 - cancerous cells have been found in other organs
Stage 5 - death

Anyhow, I hope that helps folks understand a little better where I'm at, and hopefully they can understand better if they meet someone with cancer also.  This past Monday night, I got together for dinner with my friend Julie.  I recently met Julie at a cancer support group I went to, and her attitude is amazing.  She is so encouraging, and is truly a young woman who is conquering loads of obstacles and living life to the fullest she can.  Julie just finished her second battle with acute leukemia at age 26.  She is one of those very rare ladies that even with close-to-no-hair, she looks absolutely drop dead gorgeous!  (Relax guys, she's newly married!)  I'm so thankful God has placed Julie in my life, and she has reminded me to not try and be superwoman but to take the time I need to rest.  I may need accountability in this area!

As mostly everyone in the world knows, we had an election here in Washington, DC this week.  It was actually a nice distraction from thinking about cancer.  I went to a few election night gatherings with friends, all the while knowing God is completely in control of the outcome.  Here is a pic from the day I voted - let freedom ring!

Often times the city life drives me bonkers (I long for the day when I can drive to a Target and open the car doors on BOTH sides of the vehicle without hitting the car in the next space), and it can get tiresome, but on a cold crisp night with all the anticipation from everyone looming in the air - it was a memorable night.  Each election is a piece of history, and each one reminds us that God is in control and He is our one true King.  I don't take one minute for granted, just want to appreciate and love each person in my life while I can.  Someone asked me if I was nervous or scared about having cancer on election night, I thought about that and I noticed that I really wasn't.  Truth is, I'm sure I'll be ok eventually, but as any cancer patient, you do have think about worst case scenarios at times.  I'm not afraid of losing my life, I'm not afraid of dying, and maybe it took me having cancer to realize that but I'm surprisingly peaceful.  A peace that only comes from Jesus Christ Himself.  Of course, I do have my moments of what ifs and fears, as anyone would.  But I've truly realized that my life belongs to God, not me.  He decides what is done, and He knows better than me!  

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. - Matthew 16:25, NIV

I truly believe I've been blessed to find my life in Christ.  I've lost my life in Him, I've given it to Him completely, and I don't want it back.  In this giving up my own life for Jesus, I believe it is there that I have found ultimate freedom and true love.  And the good news is, you can have that too.  Just ask Jesus Himself for the freedom you've always wanted and the love your heart aches to have - nothing can fulfill it the way Christ does, I promise you that.  I had spent my life filling my heart with just about everything but Jesus Christ and trust me, nothing else satisfies like Jesus.  We're made to be satisfied in Christ.  We're made to worship something, and my prayer is that we worship our King, Jesus, and not ourselves or anything else in our lives.  I would give my own life for you - and everyone - to know that and to live like it, but Jesus already has done that.  

Anyhow, I'm beyond grateful for your prayers, and please know that I pray for you - who has committed to walking through this journey with me.  I pray your days are sweet and blessed with intimate hugs from God Himself.  I pray your heart is moved beyond speakable words for God's glory this week.  I pray that while I'm in surgery this Friday, that God would draw your heart closer to His and break down any walls that may be keeping you from Him.  If I had to have one last breath, I would want to use it to pray for you to know His love.  He loves you, and He is so faithful, and so incredibly good. 

Horses & A Thank You Note

Since this is my last weekend of being able to get around and be active for a while (as I have an extensive surgery coming up this Friday), I decided to go horseback riding!  For those of you that know me, I love horses and go riding every week or so out at Hidden Hills Horse Farm in Frederick, Maryland.  It's so peaceful, just rolling green hills as far as the eye can see.  No noise except the sound of horses munching on grass and running around.  It's beautiful, it is a masterpiece of tranquility, and loads of God's beauty all around.  I usually try to get out there once a week to unwind, relax, and force myself to think about something else other than the busy-ness of city life for a few hours.  It's wonderful, a blessing, and it never ever gets old.  I usually ride two different horses, both are dark bay thoroughbreds who were formally race horses and now do show jumping.  One is Remi (or "Remington"), who is 7 years old - but acts about 3 years old some times, so he can be really funny and playful!  Rolex is the other, he is 16 years old, wiser and mature.  Both are very sweet, faithful, so well-trained (thanks to Kathryn - their awesome trainer!), and very honest.  (Pics below:  Rolex is the first photo, Remi is the second photo)

 

I learn a lot from these two four-legged guys!  God often teaches me that He has everything under control, and there really is no reason for my worry if I'm seeking Him.  When I ride, I have to give the horse guidance where to go and correct him if he starts to go off course.  The horse has to trust me to help him get his distance to each fence we jump, so he doesn't fall or knock down the fence.  Sometimes you ride horses that do not want to trust you, and you have to teach them to trust you - which is for their own good, so they won't hurt themselves.  This often makes me think of my walk with God - I have to trust Him to show me where to go, and God has shown me over and over that He is so trustworthy.  Trusting God is for my own good.  Just as the horses trust a person to feed them daily, we must also trust that God will provide a way for us to eat if we are hungry.  For me, taking time to get out of my "everyday-life" and visit these furry guys helps me to refocus on God and to remember that Jesus also came so we could have abundant life.  Abundant life doesn't necessarily mean material prosperity by any means, but I believe abundant life means freedom in Christ.  There are so many simple joys around us that God blesses us with, we can often fail to notice them unless we take the time to allow ourselves to see God loving us through small, intimate ways only personal to our relationship with Him.  This verse has especially shown me God's faithfulness and trustworthiness this week, as it really moved my heart:

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.  He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. - Deuteronomy 8:2-3, NIV

Last week, my Mom brought my cat up to Washington, DC to live with me also!  Dolley is a 6 year-old, orange Maine Coon looking cat I rescued from a cat shelter in 2005.  She has been living with my Mom for a while, and Mom brought her up here to help keep me company as I will be spending a good amount of time in recovery these coming weeks.  And not to mention, I will most likely be working from home a number of days when I start Interferon immunotherapy treatment (side effects pending).  

I've realized that while this journey is not an easy one, I often have so many incredible blessings along the way.  Some cancer patients I've interacted with (through various support groups, online communities for patients, and meeting some at regular hospital visits) seem to become bitter or angry with people, and/or God in the process.  I've noticed at times their deep disappointments in people especially have caused them to hurt even worse in their journey with this disease.  My friend Marian Jordan once said, "Bitterness comes from unmet expectations." I've carried this nugget of wisdom with me, and have truly prayed for my fulfillment and hope to come from Christ alone as I walk through cancer.  People are bound to disappoint us, but I believe we can free them up from causing us disappointment if we hold fast to God's promises.  It's not a hard and fast rule necessarily, but a practice that has greatly encouraged me and has allowed me to see anything anyone does or says (no matter how awkward they think it might be!) as just such a sweet blessing to me.  People will often say to friends or family of mine that they just aren't sure what to say to me, and perhaps you feel this way with someone who is walking through a trial in your life.  While I can't make any guarantees for them, I can tell you that even the simplest words of encouragement or scripture are so life-giving and such an undeserved blessing.  Often times the most comforting thing is just YOU!  It's such a moving act of kindness any time a human being lays aside their own self-interest to reach out and comfort another, and in that I believe God is so very present, it's His love!  If we are too focused on our own hurt, suffering, anger, or bitterness - we will completely miss the blessings that God is giving us along the way, and fail to see His massive of display of love for us as we walk through our trials.

I've been asked to share about my experience of God's grace to me as I've been walking through cancer this Sunday night at church to the whole congregation.  Please pray God uses me to display His glory!  I could not be more serious when I say this:  ALL of the blessings out of this entire situation have been of the Lord Himself, and certainly not because of anything I have done or said.  By God's grace alone, He has prepared me to walk through this and has opened the doors that He has.  By His grace, He has restored relationships in my life the last month that would have otherwise stayed broken.  By His grace, He has shown me His love in the most unexpected and incredible ways.  By His grace, He has allowed me to have such a great job with an awesome employer who is so supportive of me in this battle on cancer.  By His grace, He has allowed me to have some wonderful conversations with people about who Jesus is and share His love with others who may not know Him.  By His grace, He has shown His love and care for me through my local church and so many wonderful friends/family.  

This Monday I have my final surgical visitation with my oncological surgeon before my surgery.  She'll be removing the last of the sutures from my previous surgery (THANK THE LORD!!!), and evaluating my incision.  Once it's healed up a bit more, I'll post a before and after photo.  Modern medicine truly amazes me.  The incision looked horrendous at first (to the non-medical eye, of course!), but now seems to be healing up nicely.  With certain care, I'm told the scar may even get to a point where you can barely see it!  After Monday, I'll be able to sleep on my left side - FINALLY - at least up until Friday!  

If I haven't said it before, thanks so much for following this journey with me.  I know it seems impersonal to be reading someone's blog, but please know that God sees, and He knows you are reading it.  It's so personal to me to know someone cares enough to read these updates, but more so that someone takes the time to pray for me.  These blog updates often help ME understand exactly what doctors are saying and I pray God is glorified in the process.  He is so good, and please know you are evidence of that.  Thank you!  :-)