As some of you know, myself and a team of 18 are off to Port-Au-Prince, Haiti in a matter of 2 days now. To say I've been under spiritual warfare feels like an under statement. My life has been blindsided by attacks.....my health, my personal relationships, my family, my academic pursuits, my job, I could go on and on. However, this is not to be a blog about complaining or dwelling in my spiritual woes, or even playing the victim. Instead, I'm using this blog entry to be very honest.
Over the weekend, I attended a dear friend's wedding in Philadelphia, PA. Overall I had a very fun time, however, in the back of my mind - I knew I was being spiritually tested in so many ways, putting the fun weekend aside. Furthermore, I've noticed since early July this has been the case. I've been holding it in, keeping it down, playing the strong card, once again playing like I have it all together. Those close to me have known some of the struggle, maybe small snippets or just a very surfaced understanding followed by a change of subject before things get deep. Then, as I boarded the plane to come home and weaved through the maze on the airplane aisle to get to my seat, it happened. This large man in front of me, sweet and innocent as he was, took a step back to let a lady pass by and managed to flatten my toe. (I know you must be laughing by now) Laughter aside, it managed to remove my large toe nail with profuse bleeding to follow. I didn't even notice how bad until I reached my seat. The poor man apologized a few times, and bless his heart, it was an accident. However, I lost it. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I bawled like a baby. I know, how ridiculous does that sound?
With tear stained cheeks, and in the air and unable to use my cell phone, I sought my Father. I prayed and prayed. I prayed for my team traveling to Haiti, I prayed for me to understand what God's call is on my life - or to just know a direction, I prayed for my future husband, I prayed for my Dad, I prayed for the persecuted church (which is near and dear to my heart), I prayed for the people on the plane, I prayed for one of my best friends who just came home from Africa, I prayed for wisdom, I prayed for truth, I prayed for sanctification, I prayed for healing, I prayed for understanding, I prayed for my future husband, I prayed for reconciliation, I prayed for God to bind the enemy from me and my relationships, I prayed for my heart, and most of all: I prayed that regardless of man's approval, that I glorify God - in ALL that I do. (1 Corinthians 10:31)
I was hurting, in more ways than one. And in that moment, I remembered the theme from the Single Life Second Baptist retreat the previous year - "Live Out Loud". As cheesy as it may sound to some of you, I really want to live out loud. Those three words challenge me. If I want to be thought of as a woman who glorifies God, I need to do that in EVERY area of my life including speech, relationships, purity, thoughts, heart, physical fitness, evangelizing, and the list could go on. I want to live out loud, not just for my sake, but for your sake. For God's sake. I want to be an example, and I know there are people in my life who will tell me I am already doing that, but I know I could be doing it better. And I know not only will the Lord be honored by it, but so will my future husband.
Some of you know, I keep two journals: one of my personal entries and one full of letters written to my future husband (which I've been writing in since 2003). As I look back on these two journals, I'm reminded of how much I've grown and how far I have come. I am also reminded of how much God REALLY can do in a person's life, and how necessary it is for me to live my life out loud. Nothing to hide. No regrets. No secret closet of information. No shame. No condemnation. No skeletons. No scars I try to cover up or pain I try to mask. I'm called to live a life out loud for His glory, as an extension of His love. If I live, and do not communicate the gospel without words, I fail. If I live and do not communicate His love without words, I have nothing.
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. - John 13:35, NIV
I don't want to sound like a prayer beggar, but in all honesty, I would appreciate your prayers very much for myself and for the team. Please pray as the Spirit leads you to pray for us; pray for our hearts; pray for the hearts of the Haitian people; pray for God to break our heart's for what breaks His; pray for us to become more like Him. I'm fighting the fight right now against the enemy, it's an ugly fight. I'm equipping myself with spiritual armor (Ephesians 6), and I pray that the team is also equipped. Please pray that we live out loud, for His glory alone. And more importantly, I pray that you believe what you pray. I ask for you to be refined in this journey with us, as our prayer warriors for His kingdom. I pray for you, that you also live out loud for His glory. I pray that you lay down yourself with us, and take up what His character. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will be posting (internet connection permitting) throughout our time in Haiti.
To Make Him Known,
Kristina
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