It's late, I know. Tonight marks another injection done, and 96 more to go. I calculated it out, and the last injection I will EVER have to take of Interferon is supposed to be November 16, 2013. Now I know half of you are saying, "that's it?!" and half are saying, "oh my gosh, that's forever!" Well, you both are right. Maybe there isn't a "right" - but yes, it does FEEL like a really, really long time. However, I'm trying to think, "that's it?! that's all?! I can do this!"
When people ask how I'm doing, I'm not super sure what to say anymore. I feel crummy all the time, but I do still love my life. Sure, I'm exhausted all the time, sick most days, and feel like a slug. But I've come to see that life is simply beautiful, even when you are sick. Maybe it's because I'm sick that God has allowed me to see it so differently, so up close, so graceful. It's hard to explain I guess. But I think anybody can see it this way, you just have to change your lens. You see, the whole "I appreciate life because I see how fragile it is" way of thinking hasn't left me. And I don't think you need to contract a life threatening illness to experience a change in lens. Here's what I mean: every smile carries infinite value, every laugh is packed full with joy, every unopened present was once wrapped by someone with care who was excited to see you open it, every hug is meant to comfort, every "hello!" is someone acknowledging that you exist to them, every prayer for someone is more holy and kind than we can imagine, and the list could go on. We all witness life around us everyday, but do we see it? I mean, really see it?
Hair, do we really need it? Ha! More of my hair has come out. I've come to dread washing my hair, but that's part of chemo drugs. My hair has stopped growing also. How do I know? Well, I had my hair highlighted about two months ago and I have NO roots. Now, every woman that highlights her hair that is reading this will know the incredible benefit this is! Hey, there is an upside! I haven't had to get any new highlights in my hair because the old ones have not grown out, at all. It's weird, but hey, I'll take it! Medically, some would say my hair has stopped growing because my body uses all its nutrients and energy to take care of the distressed areas (i.e. wherever the melanoma is, my liver, white blood cells). When the body is under such distress, it shuts off unimportant areas like hair growth to conserve energy. This is what I hear.
I'll make this a quick update, but I just wanted to say thank you for your grace. You, yes you who reads this. I'm reading a book right now called, "When People Are Big and God is Small" by Edward T. Welch. (I highly recommend it!) I've learned that I've given so many people such influence over my life simply because I have feared them and not feared God. In other words, I've been a hardcore people pleaser. Perhaps this is something I will always be working at, along with my other fellow people pleasers. But I can tell you, having cancer has magnified this in me because I'm not sure how to handle it half the time. So, I'm forever grateful for your grace. I know in this season of my life, I can be a pretty crummy friend. I may not be the best at being there for you, or anyone, because quite frankly, I'm too sick to do much. My capacity is limited, and I don't like it one bit, but it's where I'm at in life. Therefore, I'm thankful. Thankful for your grace, your understanding, and your patience with me as you pray for me and walk with me through this trial. ONE day it will be over!
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes being all fame.
-- Hillsong United, from the song 'Inside Out'
When people ask how I'm doing, I'm not super sure what to say anymore. I feel crummy all the time, but I do still love my life. Sure, I'm exhausted all the time, sick most days, and feel like a slug. But I've come to see that life is simply beautiful, even when you are sick. Maybe it's because I'm sick that God has allowed me to see it so differently, so up close, so graceful. It's hard to explain I guess. But I think anybody can see it this way, you just have to change your lens. You see, the whole "I appreciate life because I see how fragile it is" way of thinking hasn't left me. And I don't think you need to contract a life threatening illness to experience a change in lens. Here's what I mean: every smile carries infinite value, every laugh is packed full with joy, every unopened present was once wrapped by someone with care who was excited to see you open it, every hug is meant to comfort, every "hello!" is someone acknowledging that you exist to them, every prayer for someone is more holy and kind than we can imagine, and the list could go on. We all witness life around us everyday, but do we see it? I mean, really see it?
Hair, do we really need it? Ha! More of my hair has come out. I've come to dread washing my hair, but that's part of chemo drugs. My hair has stopped growing also. How do I know? Well, I had my hair highlighted about two months ago and I have NO roots. Now, every woman that highlights her hair that is reading this will know the incredible benefit this is! Hey, there is an upside! I haven't had to get any new highlights in my hair because the old ones have not grown out, at all. It's weird, but hey, I'll take it! Medically, some would say my hair has stopped growing because my body uses all its nutrients and energy to take care of the distressed areas (i.e. wherever the melanoma is, my liver, white blood cells). When the body is under such distress, it shuts off unimportant areas like hair growth to conserve energy. This is what I hear.
I'll make this a quick update, but I just wanted to say thank you for your grace. You, yes you who reads this. I'm reading a book right now called, "When People Are Big and God is Small" by Edward T. Welch. (I highly recommend it!) I've learned that I've given so many people such influence over my life simply because I have feared them and not feared God. In other words, I've been a hardcore people pleaser. Perhaps this is something I will always be working at, along with my other fellow people pleasers. But I can tell you, having cancer has magnified this in me because I'm not sure how to handle it half the time. So, I'm forever grateful for your grace. I know in this season of my life, I can be a pretty crummy friend. I may not be the best at being there for you, or anyone, because quite frankly, I'm too sick to do much. My capacity is limited, and I don't like it one bit, but it's where I'm at in life. Therefore, I'm thankful. Thankful for your grace, your understanding, and your patience with me as you pray for me and walk with me through this trial. ONE day it will be over!
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes being all fame.
-- Hillsong United, from the song 'Inside Out'
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