Ain't No Party Like A CT Scan Party

So I had my CT scan on Monday, and went in to the hospital for the results on Tuesday.  It took forever to be called back to the room, and then Dr. Jang came in and seemed chipper.  I admit, I was nervous knowing the entire course of my life would be impacted by the results on this CT scan.  Then he said, the two nodes are still on my lungs.  Yep, same shape, same size (6mm, 3mm), slightly less dense.  In other words, the nodes were still too small to do surgery (biopsy) so I have to repeat the CT scan in two months.  My first feeling:  let down.  I just wanted so badly for it to ALL be gone and out of my life, or at least some definitive answer in how we were moving forward - but alas, cancer being cancer, has no predictability.  I couldn't be more out of control when it comes to cancer.  

However, there was some good news.  I'd expressed how terrible the side effects have been, and that I wanted to get off of Interferon treatments.  The doctor said he couldn't force me to stay on it, but that he supports my decision to get off of the treatments.  He also went on to say that compromising my quality of life for another five months wouldn't be worth the gain.  Studies have shown that one month of treatment can be just the same as 10 months of treatment, so he was ok with me ending treatment - THANK THE LORD!  People have often asked me what treatment is like, and for me it is like going through the seven circles of hell.  It's an incredibly miserable experience, highly debilitating, and makes you feel like a total mess.  But it's over now.  My hair can start to grow back, my energy can slowly return, the chest pains will hopefully go away.  It's over.  Even if the cancer returns, the doctors will put me on a different drug - a much better drug!  So, now I wait.  But at least I can get rid of Interferon!  I wanted to bawl and cry, but part of me was still so worried that somehow it wasn't all good news yet.

All that to say, I've come to be incredibly grateful for the people in my life who have been consistently holding my hand through this whole experience, especially treatment.  To these people, and you know who you are - not only do you mean the world to me, but thank you.  Truly, I thank you.  Getting through treatment has by far been the most challenging thing I've ever had to do in my life, there were good days and bad days - as I'm sure the people closest to me were able to see.  There were days when I didn't even want to be around myself, much less expect someone else want to be around me.  There were days I was scared I was never going to get better, days when all I could do is sit in my room - alone - and ask God what on earth am I supposed to learn in this season.  There were days when you brought me food so I didn't have to spend the energy to get something to eat because I had run out of groceries.  There were days when you called, sent cards, sent flowers, sent text messages, emails, Facebook posts and messages, etc. - all done CONSISTENTLY - just to see how I was doing.  You didn't make me feel like a charity case, but rather a sister to be loved without any of your own personal gain, without using me to fill your need to be needed.  You loved me freely, and my heart rejoices with praise for your loving example.  You prayed for me, which to me is the most loving thing anyone could have done for me.  You consistently reached out to me.  You let me know that I was not forgotten.  You would come watch movies with me, talk with me, make me laugh even when I thought I couldn't laugh at all.  You gave me encouragement when my spirits were on life support.  You've consistently directed me to the love of Christ by being the love of Christ to me - even to the very end of treatment.  I am sincerely grateful for you, and words cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for your consistency.  Because you have been consistent, I have felt safe and cared for.  Please know that I trust you, and your consistency in weathering this storm with me means more than you'll ever know.  While there is still a road ahead, and two modes on my lungs, the journey isn't over - but I at least wanted to express my gratitude in some way, as a deep heartfelt THANK YOU.  This isn't much, but please know God has used you in my life in some rather big ways, and I'm sincerely grateful.  You've made a difference in my life.  You didn't have to do it, but you did.  Thank you.

Last night I went to the Life With Cancer (www.lifewithcancer.org) support group for Young Adults.  It was such a healing time!  Having people go through the same stage of life as me - and with cancer - was such a wonderful blessing, and to me, truly represented how God can bring good even out of the most crummy situations.  People laughed, people cried, people yelled (though not at each other), people got mad, people were thankful - it was just a very safe place to be real.  I believe God has really been giving me a heart for cancer patients throughout this whole experience, and I have no idea what He is doing to do with it.  I'm incredibly grateful when I'm able to meet with other survivors or fellow warriors, and immediately identify with the pain they've walked.  Knowing the road is checkered with victories and disappointments, gives you a sense of the person's story and makes you feel normal about you again.

So, I still have a long road ahead.  I'm hoping my scan in two months is CLEAR, of course.  I'm hoping that melanoma leaves my body and never returns.  But I wait.