I love my life. Seriously. I know, I know, even with the whole cancer thing and the last couple of years being super challenging, I can't help but find myself in complete awe of God's kindness. What do I mean by that exactly? Well, the best way I can explain it is - God has just opened my eyes, through the experience of cancer, to see so much more clearly how amazing life is all around me. I'm incredibly blessed, so blessed. I don't need a new car to feel blessed, or a fancy house, or a new outfit, or to travel to Timbuktu and back. I don't even need my own health to feel blessed, not everyone in my life has to "understand" cancer, and I just find myself needing less and less to actually be blessed. The fact is, I'm blessed FAR more than I could ever deserve. Of course I still have problems like everyone else, but my goodness, at least we can live through them and allow God to teach us more about Himself through trials. You see that, we can live through it....this is a gift!
Not to sound weird, or morbid, or depressing, but I've told a couple of friends this story and I believe it was definitely of God. A couple of weeks ago, I was taking a nap and had a dream. In the dream, I was at Johns Hopkins hospital and I had just learned that I was dying of cancer. (disclaimer: I do not actually think I am currently dying of cancer) I began to weep, but not because I was dying, but because I would eventually not be able to spend anymore time in God's word. In the dream, my soul ached to pour into God's word and the only thing I wanted (or wanted to do at that point) was read my bible. Someone had brought me my brand new turquoise New American Standard Bible, and my eyes burned into each page I read. Then I woke up. It really impacted my heart, and I find myself looking forward to spending time with God in His word each day. We have so few days, not one is worth wasting. But to spend them with God Himself, THIS is really living. I'm so thankful that I live in a country where I can have access to a bible, as there are so many countries around the world where even if you are found with a bible in your possession you will be killed or jailed. The bible, it is obviously so incredibly, and profoundly, powerful for entire governments to want to keep it away.
This Tuesday I go back up (45 min North) to Johns Hopkins' Kimmel Cancer Center for a long day of appointments. First I start with a 9am CT scan, then 11am my oncologist discusses the results with me, and then a surgical biopsy at 1:30pm. It's such a weird mix of emotions. I have good days and I have bad days, sure, just like anyone else. Part of me gets very tired of going to cancer centers, hospitals, medical centers, doctors offices; and then part of me feels enormously blessed to even have the opportunity to be treated for cancer at such great hospitals. Shifting into life off of treatment, I find myself not wanting to miss out on a thing. I get to live life each day - and am thankful for it, I get to breathe and to just be. As I start to reflect on this tumultuous journey with cancer, it can be hard not to get emotional. I think back to all the surgeries, drugs, doctors, hours of physical therapy, IVs, injections, and its a race that I continue to run which makes running through the finish line tape one day that much sweeter. It's a hard fight. I've been beaten up by this disease (but not taken out), scarred up, my body was weakened tremendously, and I lost my beautiful head of thick full hair. But through it all, as I said, God is still soooooo amazingly good. I'm still blessed beyond comprehension. Honestly. There is no faking this. I'm serious. God has a longstanding reputation of bringing good out of terrible situations, and God continues to show me more and more blessings everyday that He brings out of cancer. If I could sum up this whole experience so far via scripture, I'd have to reflect on Deuteronomy 8 (which has become one of my favorite passages in the bible):
Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land - a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of hills. When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. - Deuteronomy 8:2-10, NIV
God has been there with me through the beginning, the now, and He'll be there with me long until He calls me home. I trust God with my life, I love Him. I'm not exactly looking for love, because I have found love in God. True love. God is the love of my life, and the biggest love I will ever have. There is so much I don't understand, but that's ok, I don't need to understand it all. God is trustworthy. I have no idea what Tuesday will hold, or even tomorrow if we want to be really honest, but I know Who holds it. Maybe sometimes it takes nearly losing your life, to find it and to see that God has always been holding it all along. Maybe He pries the plans we have for our lives out of our tightly clenched fists to give us the life He wants for us, the one we were meant to live. Maybe it takes losing your physical ability for a time to realize it is to never be taken for granted. Maybe it takes an act of God in the form of cancer to show a flawed sinner that He makes life incredibly beautiful, and to complain a whole lot less and to be thankful a whole lot more.
In closing, if you get the opportunity, I encourage you to watch this video. It's about 50 minutes long, but I promise you, it will NOT be a wasted 50 minutes of your life. This woman, Rachel, is 37, a wife, and Mom of two children. She is from Canada, a Christian, and also in palliative care (end of life care). She has lost her battle with cancer, and has weeks to live. She was invited to speak at a conference to over 600 women in Vancouver, Canada before she passed away. Her story and what she had to say was incredible, riveting, and profoundly encouraging. Her courage could only come from Christ Himself, and I'm thankful for her life. You can view it here: http://deathisnotdying.com/
#YOLO
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