I'll be honest, I have no idea if this blog entry will make any sense at all. Usually when I'm walking through....stuff....I sit back from writing anything, but I've prayed and felt God nudging me to be transparent when my "stuff" is drawing me closer to Him - for His glory alone.
My first confession of the year: I can't be perfect. I fail so miserably at being perfect, and I will continue to fail miserably at this. What I've learned is that everyone around me has a different definition of what "perfect" is at times, so I'll tell you mine. When I hear someone say, "Oh she's totally perfect!" ...I think, "She, whoever 'she' is, has no flaws. None. She never thinks poorly of someone; she has won Miss America; she can eat chocolate and pizza for days with no weight gain; she has the picture perfect abs, legs, and arms; she knows several languages; she never gets stressed out or depressed; she has an Olympic gold medal; she never misses a day of church. In fact, she leads several bible studies, has been on 13 mission trips before age 25, and she has been baptized in the Jordan River. She never gets a pimple; she never accidentally says a cuss word; she has never had braces; she spends 2 hours a day in God's Word and in prayer; she never gets split ends or needs her roots done at the hair salon; she volunteers with special needs children....no, no, wait - they are homeless special needs children, at least once a week. She is a supermodel. She is an author of several books, a speaker, and a well-known recording vocalist. She always writes 'Thank You' cards; she never forgets a birthday or anniversary; she remembers to pray before every meal; she makes a comfortable salary in the $80,000 range and gives her excess to missionaries in Africa. Her parents have never had a fight, and she has never had a fight with her parents, ever. Any guy she's ever wanted asks her friends for her number and call her because she never has to 'drop hints' that she's interested. She plays the 'mysterious girl' routine perfectly to sway the hearts of every guy she meets. She never sweats or gets frustrated. She never has to hire movers because strong men come out of nowhere to help her move. She graduated from Harvard, and has never had less than a 4.0 GPA in every school she has been to, in fact, she was valedictorian in high school, Homecoming Queen, AND captain cheerleader. She always feels like being 'the shoulder to cry on' for her girlfriends; has never been drunk; she has never been in a fender bender; she has climbed Mt. Everest. She doesn't have to drink Diet Coke or eat anything Fat Free. She never smells or has bad breath. In fact, whenever she speaks, the scent of roses and proverbial butterflies come out of her mouth. She always has a clean house; she never has dirty dishes or stray wrappers around the house. She always has clean, neatly folded laundry. She's never, ever dated 'the wrong guy' and has never had a guy break her heart, I mean, why would she, she is PERFECT. She's never been sick, always on time everywhere she goes, and she loves paying bills. She's never missed an airline flight; and she is the life of every party. Ok....I could go on and on here..... but my point is, this mystery 'perfect' girl does NOT exist.
More importantly, this girl, is so NOT me. And I'm learning to really love her, me, that is. Over the course of my own crazy journey with my King, I've learned to praise God for NOT making me a 'perfect' girl. Why? Because all the imperfections I have, and trust me, there are PLENTY, it allows God's grace to be revealed in me and through me. It allows me to be authentic with people about where I am with God. Not being the 'perfect' girl allows me to be real. Real about my frustrations, my heart, my joys, my sadness, my hurts, my wounds, my victories, and my Redeemer.
Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven-for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little. - Luke 7:47, NIV
Ok, no, I'm not saying go commit a ton of sins, and you will know the feeling of being forgiven much so you can know to love much. What I am saying is, I praise God for this verse. When we acknowledge our sinful nature, or acknowledge the place from where Jesus rescues us, how can we not fall on our knees in overwhelming love for Him? I confess, I've really needed to be reminded of this lately. It's so easy for me to stray on to a path where I'm living to please the opinions and expectations of others, and completely forget I live to please Him. The reason it is so easy is because I often see the opinions and expectations of others and God being synonymous. But, alas, they are so not. Not even close. Pleasing God may have some side benefits for those who pray to have a heart like His as in bringing them joy, but the absolute source of pleasure for me is bringing joy to the heart of my God.
After winding down a night of amazing worship and an awesome message at my home church, I was left pondering just how God is working in my life through the last two songs at the end of the night. I found myself choking back tears as I remembered His grace. His undeniable grace....the message of the Cross, and why He came for me. I was reminded of why Jesus, the Son of an Almighty God, chose to pray for me in those last few hours in the Garden of Gethsemane before the guards arrested Him. My sweet Redeemer romanced my heart even then, and He's never stopped fighting for it. All I could hope for in this moment of remembrance was for there to be more of Him in my life, and less of myself.
He must become greater; I must become less. - John 3:30, NIV
I found myself wanting to hit my knees in prayer over everyone who has yet to truly experience this incredibly powerful grace of His. Lord, I pray every tribe and every nation comes to know the fullness of your grace, mercy, and love. I pray they know they too were forgiven on that day at Calvary. I pray you give us all a heart like yours dear God. Please break our hearts for what breaks yours, and give our hearts joy for what gives you joy. Wash us clean in your likeness Father, surround us with those who know of your grace and live it out. I pray the word 'grace' is more than just a Christian buzz word, but that it becomes the trademark of our character as it was with yours. I thank you Father for not making me a 'perfect' girl so that I can give myself grace, so that I can receive grace from you and the act of receiving your grace can minister to others. Continue to teach me how to give the same grace I receive from you, to others, Christian and non-Christian alike. I pray we all actively practice grace instead of judgment with others in acknowledgement of our desperate need for your grace. Amen.
What do you need grace for and from whom? Are you trying to be 'perfect' for someone other than God? Why?
In Him,
Kristina
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