It was somewhere around 5 am a few days after my 30th birthday and I was sitting on the bathroom floor after a totally sleepless night of coughing, fever, sore throat, and not being able to breathe. I was in such pain - physical and emotional, just total duress. I was so incredibly tired, although supposed to be on an incredible vacation in Ireland with a dear girlfriend of mine, and all I could do was sob. And not the dainty tear drop roll down the cheek kind of cry, this was the awful wailing, need-lots-a-tissues-handy, can't-get-a-breath-in kind of cry. All I could think, "Lord, what are you doing?" Maybe I was crying because I felt so overwhelmed, maybe it was because I was just so tired and wanted to sleep so badly but couldn't because I couldn't stop coughing long enough, maybe I just needed to grieve, or maybe it was because my camera was acting up on vacation, but what I do know is, on that bathroom floor I still wanted my Savior.
Then, I decided to start reading Job as part of my quiet time. I began to think, "Job and I must have a lot in common right about now, how did he survive his moments of powerlessness and desperation." You see, let me bring you slightly up to speed. The last three months of my life have been anything but easy, in fact, they've been incredibly hard, perhaps some of the most painful three months I've ever been through in my life. To kick things off on the three month spree, I was hurt by someone I never thought would hurt me. I was hurt by someone who hurt me more than anyone else in my whole life, and left the broken mess for my friends, family, and God Himself to mop up. The brokenness from that alone would be plenty to keep anyone on their knees before a Holy God crying out for mercy, however, much goes further. I then arrived at a point needing to make a job change, leaving a part-time paid ministry position for a full-time job opportunity in the corporate world. While the new job is an incredible blessing, leaving beloved co-workers and such a safe place as the church (as a workplace) is a massive adjustment. Not to mention, a huge change in working hours. Then I got sick. Like real sick, as in tons of antibiotics and steroids later and I still am unable to get well. I'm praying for healing (and if you like, I'd love your prayers too!), and have hope my lungs can return to normal soon. Then an unexpected diagnosis, planning out the steps to finish my 60 hour Masters Degree program in counseling, random drama from auto care to travel woes and unexpected expenses, as well as demands on me from people that I just can't meet. So much more I'm not even willing to write down because there just isn't enough room on blogspot!
So what does this look like when it all comes together? Alone. I just felt so very alone. Part of me just wanted to be alone in fear I was too broken for anyone to handle my mess. In so much of this, I cried out to God asking for answers, asking for clarity, and just asking for His presence. I still felt alone. You catch that? I felt alone. Even though we may feel something doesn't mean it is true. In other words, I felt alone, but I know God was and is with me. So, on that bathroom floor all I could think of, was this:
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. - Job 1:21, IV
When Job was confronted with losing everything - his health, his family, his finances - he praised the Lord on his face in worship. This does not mean that he did not question God, because surely he did (Job 7:17-21). But Job still knew he would be delivered... Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance.... - Job 13:16, NIV
Job's friends did not even know how to handle his suffering at first, they sat for several days with nothing to say once they saw his suffering (Job 2:13, NIV). Job even got frustrated with his friends (Job 16:3-4), claiming they didn't know what it was like to be in his shoes. But Job said, "Nevertheless, the righteous will hold to their ways, and those with clean hands will grow stronger." - Job 17:9, NIV. Even Job's wife demanded he turn from God in all this misfortune (Job 1:9-10, NIV). So why did this happen to Job? When we look at God's word we read:
Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil." - Job 1:8, NIV
What I wonder is, what would we do if we knew it was God asking Satan, "Have you considered my servant Kristina?" or "Have you considered my servant [insert your name here]?" Would we hold on to God despite how we were feeling? Would we remain steadfast in our certainty of deliverance in the midst of our unspeakable suffering? Would we not give up on God and trust Him with our lives, our future, our suffering, our hearts, our pain, our joy, our hope, our peace?
The blessed ending: The Lord speaks to Job (Job 38-41), and Job responds acknowledging no plan of the Lord's can be thwarted (Job 42:2) and he repents for speaking of things he did not understand, things too wonderful for him to know (Job 42:3). Then the Lord blesses Job. No, the Lord blesses Job's socks off! The Lord blessed Job twice as much as he had before, bringing him the comfort of his brothers and sisters. The Lord also blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first! He ended up having more children, including the most beautiful daughters in the land, since all his children had died. And he lived to be very old seeing his children and grandchildren grow old as well.
My point is: In my grief, which in this storm seems unending, I can be sure that I will be delivered. I can be sure God is Mighty to Save. I can be sure nothing on this earth can thwart God's plan. I can be sure to stand on what I know about God, and not how I feel at the moment. I can be sure to get down on my face and praise the Lord in worship for He is good. He gives and takes away, and I can be sure He knows what He is doing far more than myself - perhaps even to a point where I will need to ask for repentance for assuming I know things that I do not truly understand. I can be sure God hears the cry of the righteous and the upright. I can be sure He uses this ALL for my good (Romans 8:28), and He will turn whatever horrendous pain, grief, hurt, brokenness, bitterness, shamefulness, guilt, and ugliness we have in our lives into something incredibly beautiful, exquisitely divine, pleasurable, joyous, hopeful, glorious in His name.
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