It's all very surreal, like a bad dream. At my age, I don't expect to hear someone say, "So you're retirement party is on Saturday!" I also don't expect someone to tell me, "You have cancer." My cell phone (in my new cute pink camo case) rang at 4:45 EST on Tuesday, September 25 and would certainly present a new challenge in my life. My doctor answered, "Do you have a minute?" At that moment, I knew something was up. It all caught me completely off guard, totally unexpected. "Wait, what? So what does this mean?" She answered, "You have cancer." I'm sure she thought I was delirious, I responded, "Oh ok, thanks. I'll give the Cancer Institute a call for my next appointment, bye." And that was it. This was not another task at work, though I was at my desk in my office at work. I began to cry, I was flooded with questions, emotions, and those words kept running through my head. But how should one react in that moment?
The anxiety began to set in, and I know I needed to tell my employer. To be honest, I couldn't think of a better response from an employer. I began seeing the blessings which would be one of many to come. "Take the time you need, let us know how we can help." Their compassion was unparalleled. I was so incredibly grateful, relief washed over me. Next was telling my Mom and Dad, both not easy conversations to have - all seeming just so very surreal. "Am I really saying that? Are the words 'I have cancer' really coming out of my mouth?" Then I decided to start telling friends, but who do I tell? "I'm not even sure I know my own name right now let alone who to tell." One ask I did have for all, was to pray. Please pray. While there is not much we can do to remove cancer indefinitely, we can ask the One who does.
I'm sure the journey ahead will have bumps and turns, but I know God is not surprised by the news. He uses everything for His glory, and I know my cancer has a purpose far greater in His kingdom than I may ever know this side of heaven. Why does God allow bad things to happen? I don't know. But what I do know is that when bad things happen, we see an incredible oases of love spill out between people and God. In the last few days, I've seen an outpouring of love, kindness, compassion, and support from people - and I believe God is using these people to be His hands and feet of love to me, to quiet my fears, and to feel His presence. Sometimes without bad things, we don't see the love unleashed between two people, or even between man and God. God's love brings so much freedom, and where there is love there is God.
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. - 1 John 4:12, NIV
To hear about people praying for me, is truly beyond humbling. To know someone is taking time, no matter how small or large the minutes, to approach a Holy King - the Creator of our universe - on my behalf, I'm totally blown away. I believe praying for someone is truly one of the most loving things you can do for them, and in it, God gets glory! Of course not everyone in my life will respond perfectly, and not everyone will even know how to respond or what to say. I mean, I don't even know what to say half the time! We're all human beings, each one of us has a different set of feelings and we are each made differently for God's glory! And that is totally ok! Grace is such a beautiful God designed action. We all get through it together, we're all on the same team.
Of course I have tons of questions, and my next appointment is not until October 3rd, but I can rest in patience as my future is secure in a Holy, loving God. This entire experience is not about me, or giving me attention, but it's about giving God the attention, the center stage to do what He does. His specialty is taking what is harmful, ugly, shameful, horrible, terrifying, hurtful, broken and turning it into something more beautiful than we can imagine. I pray I never stop being a part of this process in God's kingdom.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28, NIV
A friend of mine often says, "We behave how we believe." I pray we all are driven to love better as a result of believing we are loved and forgiven by God, especially myself. I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds it. Evidence of God's existence is the existence of love, and I'm so thankful for a loving Father who is committed to fighting cancer with me, walking with me through the waters, and protecting me from the fire. The hardships of life do not define us, God does. Our joy is not dependent on our circumstances, but a God who loves us. The more days I'm granted in my life to live this out, the more I pray it is pleasing to God and a blessing to those who choose to do life with me.
The anxiety began to set in, and I know I needed to tell my employer. To be honest, I couldn't think of a better response from an employer. I began seeing the blessings which would be one of many to come. "Take the time you need, let us know how we can help." Their compassion was unparalleled. I was so incredibly grateful, relief washed over me. Next was telling my Mom and Dad, both not easy conversations to have - all seeming just so very surreal. "Am I really saying that? Are the words 'I have cancer' really coming out of my mouth?" Then I decided to start telling friends, but who do I tell? "I'm not even sure I know my own name right now let alone who to tell." One ask I did have for all, was to pray. Please pray. While there is not much we can do to remove cancer indefinitely, we can ask the One who does.
I'm sure the journey ahead will have bumps and turns, but I know God is not surprised by the news. He uses everything for His glory, and I know my cancer has a purpose far greater in His kingdom than I may ever know this side of heaven. Why does God allow bad things to happen? I don't know. But what I do know is that when bad things happen, we see an incredible oases of love spill out between people and God. In the last few days, I've seen an outpouring of love, kindness, compassion, and support from people - and I believe God is using these people to be His hands and feet of love to me, to quiet my fears, and to feel His presence. Sometimes without bad things, we don't see the love unleashed between two people, or even between man and God. God's love brings so much freedom, and where there is love there is God.
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. - 1 John 4:12, NIV
To hear about people praying for me, is truly beyond humbling. To know someone is taking time, no matter how small or large the minutes, to approach a Holy King - the Creator of our universe - on my behalf, I'm totally blown away. I believe praying for someone is truly one of the most loving things you can do for them, and in it, God gets glory! Of course not everyone in my life will respond perfectly, and not everyone will even know how to respond or what to say. I mean, I don't even know what to say half the time! We're all human beings, each one of us has a different set of feelings and we are each made differently for God's glory! And that is totally ok! Grace is such a beautiful God designed action. We all get through it together, we're all on the same team.
Of course I have tons of questions, and my next appointment is not until October 3rd, but I can rest in patience as my future is secure in a Holy, loving God. This entire experience is not about me, or giving me attention, but it's about giving God the attention, the center stage to do what He does. His specialty is taking what is harmful, ugly, shameful, horrible, terrifying, hurtful, broken and turning it into something more beautiful than we can imagine. I pray I never stop being a part of this process in God's kingdom.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28, NIV
A friend of mine often says, "We behave how we believe." I pray we all are driven to love better as a result of believing we are loved and forgiven by God, especially myself. I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds it. Evidence of God's existence is the existence of love, and I'm so thankful for a loving Father who is committed to fighting cancer with me, walking with me through the waters, and protecting me from the fire. The hardships of life do not define us, God does. Our joy is not dependent on our circumstances, but a God who loves us. The more days I'm granted in my life to live this out, the more I pray it is pleasing to God and a blessing to those who choose to do life with me.
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