Today I did something no cancer patient should probably do....I looked up news articles about my illness. I know some folks out there think "knowledge is power" and educating yourself about every facet of your illness is the best thing you can do. However, I tend to disagree. In my experience, the desperate grasp for knowledge is an action we often take out of our own fear, and from fear we get our desire to take control. We like to feel in control. Everything "feels" safer when we are in control, nothing and no one can hurt us if we are in control - or so we think. It's all an illusion though, and I tend to believe we'd be much healthier, and much happier, if we recognize that we are not necessarily in control of our circumstances and no amount of knowledge will help us be more in control, even if it is about your own illness. We do serve the One who is in control, and only He can satisfy. There is no reason to fear; there is no reason to panic and desperately let your mind take you on an online wild goose chase when your future is secure in Christ Himself.
Today I perused articles about patients dying from melanoma; research from top doctors explaining different treatments, foods, medicines that "may" reduce the risk of melanoma; and also the usual human interest stories of "would have, could have, should have" statements. It was enough to make anyone cry. My fear was setting in, but then I realized, why am I doing this to myself? Whether I have one more day or one thousand more days, it shouldn't necessarily change how I want to live my life. Each day I have is a gift, and I desperately want my life to count for Jesus Christ. He has numbered my days for His purpose, and I can rest in that.
Lately, I do confess that my days feel more like I'm tolerating them than a gift. The side effects can be tough, but I am getting better at accepting it. I've come to a point where I've realized, ok, I can either agonize, kick, dread, and hate every second I'm on treatment because it's debilitating and painful....OR I can look at it as though I have a certain amount of days left on this treatment plan, and I can choose to honor and glorify God the best way I can with the days I have left. You see, I started to really visualize my life AFTER treatment. The needles can go away, my energy can return, my eyes will no longer be swollen from the drugs, my appetite will be normal, no more coolers full of drugs will be delivered, no more blood draws every two weeks, my skin burn will go away, my memory will go back to normal - and then what do I do? "You will enjoy it, for the rest of your life," is a line from one of my favorite movies, Soul Surfer. The mother says it to the daughter at the end when she asks, "Mom, what do I do now?" I just love that. And for me, my enjoyment and fulfillment comes from glorifying God. Granted, I'm a total sinner, and yes, at times, I fully confess that there are things that often compete with God for my attention. But ultimately, Jesus is my King. I started to see that I don't want to look back on the 40 weeks of treatment and wish I had spent them differently. I didn't want to look back and wish that I had drawn closer to God is some of the worst suffering I will ever endure this side of heaven, and miss out because I was too focused on "how painful" it is or debilitated I feel. Life is just too short for that.
You should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very own children, adopted into His family - calling Him 'Father, dear Father.' For His Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God's children. And since we are His children, we will share His treasures - for everything God gives to His Son, Christ, is ours too. But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. -- Romans 8:15-17
As for a medical update, I have an oncological surgery follow-up appointment on Wednesday and then another blood draw on Thursday to test my liver function as well as platelet and white blood cell count levels. My oncology appointment last week seemed to go well as my oncologist explained that right now, I can be declared at four months NED (No Evidence of Disease). This is great! However, he mentioned to keep in mind that melanoma travels in small pieces and a CT scan only picks up cancer cells 3 mm and higher. It only takes one cancer cell. So, the treatment plan I'm on should not only kill any remaining cancer cells left, but reduce my rate of recurrence by 30-40%. The next couple of years will be critical. My chances of recurrence are the highest at years two and three. At my five year anniversary of NED is when my survival rate improves dramatically. I will have CT scans every 3 months, and complete skin checks every 3 months for the next two years.
But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. -- 2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV
As far as how this impacts my life as a whole, its a bit of a roller coaster at the moment but I'm learning to adjust. There are a bajillion ways cancer impacts your life that are simply not thought of at diagnosis. I'm learning to adjust to how this will impact my overall quality of life, how it will all impact my friends and family, my ability to travel in the coming months and years with treatment and check-ups, how I can do dating as a cancer patient, how cancer will impact my ability to do mission trips, and a host of other areas to adjust.
In all honesty, I've been incredibly blessed to have amazing girlfriends, wonderful parents and family who love me, an amazing church family as well as fantastic doctors. God has been very kind to provide such trusting and consistent people who have served as such a safe place for me. God has been especially gracious in bringing me laughter and sweet times with people in my life throughout this season. I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am for the hours of wisdom God has provided to me through such selfless girlfriends, family friends, brothers and sisters at church, elders, and family. Being in a "ministry of dependence" has been humbling for me, but one God has used (and is using) to refine me in fearing Him above fearing man. Thankfully!
And I'm especially thankful for everyone adjusting to my fuzzy short-term memory, thanks to the anti-cancer drugs! Pretty soon, at this rate, I'll be able to throw my own surprise party soon.... hopefully I won't forget to invite myself! Ha!
Today I perused articles about patients dying from melanoma; research from top doctors explaining different treatments, foods, medicines that "may" reduce the risk of melanoma; and also the usual human interest stories of "would have, could have, should have" statements. It was enough to make anyone cry. My fear was setting in, but then I realized, why am I doing this to myself? Whether I have one more day or one thousand more days, it shouldn't necessarily change how I want to live my life. Each day I have is a gift, and I desperately want my life to count for Jesus Christ. He has numbered my days for His purpose, and I can rest in that.
Lately, I do confess that my days feel more like I'm tolerating them than a gift. The side effects can be tough, but I am getting better at accepting it. I've come to a point where I've realized, ok, I can either agonize, kick, dread, and hate every second I'm on treatment because it's debilitating and painful....OR I can look at it as though I have a certain amount of days left on this treatment plan, and I can choose to honor and glorify God the best way I can with the days I have left. You see, I started to really visualize my life AFTER treatment. The needles can go away, my energy can return, my eyes will no longer be swollen from the drugs, my appetite will be normal, no more coolers full of drugs will be delivered, no more blood draws every two weeks, my skin burn will go away, my memory will go back to normal - and then what do I do? "You will enjoy it, for the rest of your life," is a line from one of my favorite movies, Soul Surfer. The mother says it to the daughter at the end when she asks, "Mom, what do I do now?" I just love that. And for me, my enjoyment and fulfillment comes from glorifying God. Granted, I'm a total sinner, and yes, at times, I fully confess that there are things that often compete with God for my attention. But ultimately, Jesus is my King. I started to see that I don't want to look back on the 40 weeks of treatment and wish I had spent them differently. I didn't want to look back and wish that I had drawn closer to God is some of the worst suffering I will ever endure this side of heaven, and miss out because I was too focused on "how painful" it is or debilitated I feel. Life is just too short for that.
You should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very own children, adopted into His family - calling Him 'Father, dear Father.' For His Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God's children. And since we are His children, we will share His treasures - for everything God gives to His Son, Christ, is ours too. But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. -- Romans 8:15-17
As for a medical update, I have an oncological surgery follow-up appointment on Wednesday and then another blood draw on Thursday to test my liver function as well as platelet and white blood cell count levels. My oncology appointment last week seemed to go well as my oncologist explained that right now, I can be declared at four months NED (No Evidence of Disease). This is great! However, he mentioned to keep in mind that melanoma travels in small pieces and a CT scan only picks up cancer cells 3 mm and higher. It only takes one cancer cell. So, the treatment plan I'm on should not only kill any remaining cancer cells left, but reduce my rate of recurrence by 30-40%. The next couple of years will be critical. My chances of recurrence are the highest at years two and three. At my five year anniversary of NED is when my survival rate improves dramatically. I will have CT scans every 3 months, and complete skin checks every 3 months for the next two years.
But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. -- 2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV
As far as how this impacts my life as a whole, its a bit of a roller coaster at the moment but I'm learning to adjust. There are a bajillion ways cancer impacts your life that are simply not thought of at diagnosis. I'm learning to adjust to how this will impact my overall quality of life, how it will all impact my friends and family, my ability to travel in the coming months and years with treatment and check-ups, how I can do dating as a cancer patient, how cancer will impact my ability to do mission trips, and a host of other areas to adjust.
In all honesty, I've been incredibly blessed to have amazing girlfriends, wonderful parents and family who love me, an amazing church family as well as fantastic doctors. God has been very kind to provide such trusting and consistent people who have served as such a safe place for me. God has been especially gracious in bringing me laughter and sweet times with people in my life throughout this season. I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am for the hours of wisdom God has provided to me through such selfless girlfriends, family friends, brothers and sisters at church, elders, and family. Being in a "ministry of dependence" has been humbling for me, but one God has used (and is using) to refine me in fearing Him above fearing man. Thankfully!
And I'm especially thankful for everyone adjusting to my fuzzy short-term memory, thanks to the anti-cancer drugs! Pretty soon, at this rate, I'll be able to throw my own surprise party soon.... hopefully I won't forget to invite myself! Ha!
Hello :)
ReplyDeleteI was perusing around on the Open Doors website, and there was a link to this blog. I have battled fear in many areas of my life, and I cannot tell you how uplifting and refreshing it is to read your words in the midst of this struggle. How big and powerful our God is. Thank you for this profound reminder. I will pray for your complete healing and for no reoccurrence by His grace & power. I know that He is more than able and willing.
From one sister in Christ to another,
Maria
You're amazing!
ReplyDelete