When Your CT Scan Goes Wrong

I'll get the bad news out of the way first -- my CT scan from this past Friday was not clear.  Yes, it is disappointing and very unexpected but cancer is an enemy that does not discriminate.  I knew something was up when my oncologist was the one who called, usually if the scan is clear someone junior calls to give the patient the results.  He asked if I had a minute to talk (I think they have a class on how to do this in med school or something, they usually say the same intro).

The CT scan revealed that I have two spots on my lungs (or in my chest rather) - one that is 6mm on the right side and the other is smaller on the left side.  The good news is the doctors are not sure if it is an infection of some kind or if it is cancer.  My oncologist consulted with the surgeon immediately and they said the spots are too small to biopsy or do surgery right now, so they are waiting 6 weeks then doing a CT scan again.  If the spots are gone in 6 weeks, then it is not cancer and nothing more will be needed (or so we think).  If the spots are still there, then it is cancer and they'll need to do surgery and switch me to the stronger drug.  And let's be honest, cracking someone's chest open for a biopsy is no small procedure.  It's a major surgery to punch out a piece of my lung on each side and patch it back up.  An infection takes time to clear up, so we can hope that it is only an infection.  However, an infection can still be dangerous because my white blood cell count is low and often times, an infection is what can take a cancer patient down a progressively worse path.  As of right now, my oncologist prescribed another round of strong antibiotics to hopefully get rid of any infection or inflammation in my lungs.  All of this makes sense since I've been having chest pains the last few weeks, fighting a minor cold I've had for about two months, and not getting a lot of rest.  (Below is a pic of the most disgusting barium drink ever known to mankind, and the pretty cup I put it in to make it as fun as possible!  I have to drink two containers of this junk before every CT scan and the taste is SO gross!)


Obviously its not the news we had hoped for, but I do know that God is bigger than any two spots on my lungs and He is up to something far greater than we can see right now.  I want to live in my faith and not my feelings, for sure, and well, sometimes that is a challenge to be honest.  It's an exhausting process to fight sin in my life AND fight cancer at the same time, so any prayers on having strength (physical, emotional, and spiritual) are sincerely appreciated.  The whole thing is getting harder, I'm getting weaker (physically), and my hair has become so very thin.  I look forward to the day when I can wash my hair and hardly any of it comes out.  It's difficult for me to spend hours away from my house because I get exhausted very easily.  I don't say this to complain, but my hope is that friends and family would understand that I'm really not trying to ignore anyone or isolate -- it's juts plain ole hard to get up and go all the time.  God is having to sustain me every step of the way.


Before this all started, I would see commercials of cancer drugs and patients who would be graciously smiling full of bravery looking to the unknown.  You may see screen shots of them walking on a path with leaves falling from nearby trees while talking to a loved one, or even screen shots of them being consoled by a loved one in a doctor's office.  I have no idea who makes these commercials, but the "real life" cancer commercial is nothing like that.  To be honest, its just hard.  You get bad news and your head just spins.  You start thinking things like, "wait a second, I think you just said the words 'surgery' and 'biopsy' right?  Those are big, scary words.  Wait, you mentioned the word 'recurrence' I mean, that's kind of a big deal right?" And then your mind gets consumed.  I know my mind was so consumed, I actually got in a car accident on my way home from work yesterday.  I'm fine, just a fender bender, but it was my fault and an event that was not needed for sure.


So what now?  I have 6 weeks of waiting in front of me.  I have to keep in mind that God is never closer to the vine than when He is pruning it.


Remain in me, as I also remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  "I am the vine; you are the branches.  If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit;  apart from me you can do nothing. - John 15:4-5, NIV


Somehow, God is bringing good out of this - and I'm incredibly blessed and thankful to have people in my life who have walked WITH me through this, and have not forgotten me.  You are constant reminders that God Himself has not forgotten me or left me.  (though I realize even if you did, God is still here with me)  I pray this experience not only has taught me to love better, but has taught those around me to love each other better - and for God's glory.  If this whole mess has done just that, then I can say it's worth it - for people to know who God is and act like Him, just a bit better than before is my hope.