I Had Cancer.

First, I'll bring you up to speed.  I had surgery two Mondays ago on my arm, my second wide excision to be more accurate.  The dermatological surgeon ended up taking out way more than I had anticipated.  After he drew the area to be removed on my arm, I began to get fearful.  My friend Lindsey was with me when they did the drawing, and I looked at her with what I'm sure she sensed as my escalating panic.  As such a sweet friend that she is, and God knowing the exact thing I needed to hear as the doctor was talking (which seemed to sound a lot like Charlie Brown's teacher talking), she mouthed to me, "God is for you." My heart began to rest.  They asked her to leave the room.  They decided to do the surgery while I was largely awake, but decided to numb my entire left arm with local anesthetic and they put a curtain next to my face so I couldn't see what they were doing. The injections began, and I began to cry.  I asked if my friend could come back in the room to hold my hand, they said no.  The nurse held my hand, and I began to remember the scripture from Isaiah 43....

But now this is what the Lord says - He who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior....Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you... - Isaiah 43:1-4, NIV

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I stared up at the huge surgical lights beaming down at my arm.  Cancer began to feel more like a career, and less like something I could just "cut it out" and move on from.  God's grace in my life has been more visible, to me at least, and I'm thankful.  It's all really unpredictable.  

This past week, I got results!  First the surgeon went on with what seemed like 34 questions about the care and condition of my incision, "how is it healing?"  "is there still bleeding?"  "what are you putting on it?"  "have you been able to wash it?"  And all along, I knew there was really only one reason she was calling and that was to give me results.  She said......my pathology came back with no further indication of abnormal melanocytes.  In plain language, no more cancer was detected!  Praise the Lord!!  She went on to say they can never be 100% sure, but I was not needed to come back for anything further other than having my stitches taken out. So after Monday, when they remove the stitches, I'll leave the hospital knowing I will not have to go back for anything until December 13, to have my routine check-up of bloodwork and CT scan.  What a great feeling!  It's still sinking in....

I had another skin exam on Tuesday, and the oncological dermatologist wants to do two more biopsies - BUT.....they are going to wait until February to do them.  They said I've been cut on enough, and they want to give me a break for a while.  I can't complain about that!  I'm tired of having scars and stitches, for sure!  So, life goes on.

A couple people asked me recently what is it that I have learned spiritually from this whole experience, and to be honest, that is a loaded question.  But, the single most important thing I can know moving forward is, there is something to be said about resting in God's sovereignty.  God is truly sovereign, and I relish in resting in His sovereignty.  I was having a very "down" moment a few weeks ago, and a girlfriend of mine challenged me in explaining how she rests in God's sovereignty.  The whole conversation felt sort of overspiritual at the time, but I'm incredibly grateful she said it.  It was as if God had turned up the volume of a megaphone to me through her words.  Regardless if you live or are facing death, resting in His sovereignty is not only enriching and a lifeblood of your relationship with Christ, it greatly improves your quality of life of what you have left.  To really just trust Him, in everything with everything.  Knowing that the same God that parted the red seas and raised the dead, He is on your side and everything happening in life ultimately will serve for your own good through His hands.  It all gives such a peace, such an assailant to worry.  

So, now what?  I move on, living life, for Christ as I did before.  Each trial we have, in some way, makes the next steps so much sweeter and our faith so much more real.  My faith feels less like a cultural norm and more like a living, breathing relationship with Christ Himself.  He's been there with me, holding my hand each step of the way, never forgetting me, never losing His grip on me, and loving me through every tear, every question, every fear, and everything in between.  I'm going to get up tomorrow and go to church, and embrace all that God has for me in Himself.  I've realized that I don't even need my own health to be blessed, I don't need a big fancy house, tons of clothes, the latest new gadget, or a big luxury car to be blessed.  The blessing we have in life is God Himself.  His unfailing love is unfathomable and unchanging.  I'm going to go to work and embrace what God has put in front of me as an opportunity to live for Him.  He never let's go.