I have not been abducted by aliens. I know, it has been a while since I've posted. Sorry! I'm working full-time again, as I may have mentioned before, so between that and living life, my time has been limited. Needless to say, everything has been running at full tilt and I have a lot less time to stop and reflect. However, the holidays are upon us which provides ample space and time to not just continue my conversations with God, but to also "have a talk with myself" about how things have been going post-cancer.
In fact, someone asked me this past weekend at a housewarming party, "Do you think the post-cancer high has worn off yet?" As you may recall - as I'm sure my friends do - as my energy began to return and I was feeling great again, I wanted to spend all my time out and about, doing things, living life, hanging out with friends, meeting new people, working, exercising, etc. I'm sure my friends began praying for me to come down off my cloud as I was pressuring them on occasion to watch movies until late hours, grab coffee at 1 am, go dancing at a moment's notice, and I basically just turned into a raging night owl (well, let me rephrase - NOT the raging night owl one may be in their early 20's). But the truth of it is, sure, I've become somewhat readjusted to "normal" life and I try to talk my friends into late hours less and less, however, I've learned that it is ok that I'll never be the same again. Honestly, weathering all the trials and terrible circumstance would be an absolutely tragic waste if I stayed exactly the same. I truly believe God uses our pain to mold us and shape us into something different, something more like Him and His character.
The post-cancer high will most likely never end for me, and I hope it doesn't. Now that the dust has had more time to settle, I've had to take a look around and survey the damage done by this terrible illness. And you know what, I made it out alive - at least for today, and today is all I need for God's glory. Everything is different. I find myself getting so much more emotional so much easier when talking about God's grace, His kindness, the absolute rest in His sovereignty, and just how thankful I am for every single little thing He has given me, nothing is too small. God's finger prints cover everything in our lives, most of the time we are too blinded by ourselves to see them. Out of God's own mercy for me, He did something He didn't have to - He allowed cancer to be the clay and spittle upon my eyes that He used to wash my eyes clean, to be able to see - and see life more clearly through a lens only He can provide. Every moment matters, and I never want to miss it. Every laugh, every tear, every smile, every hug, every deep conversation, every encouraging word, every truth revealed, every one moment, all of it.....you see, for months and months I was forced to miss out on so much as chemotherapy held me back quite a bit. I don't want to miss out on any of it. THANK GOD I had to go through cancer.....how much cheaper and expendable would it all seem without the experience of it all being taken away?
Chemotherapy was terrible, sure. But in those moments where I was too weak to do a thing, even too weak to read the bible because these drugs completely wipe you out, and all I could do is lay on my bed and pray. To me, the prayers probably made no sense, but I know God is thankfully so gracious to hear my feeble attempts to call on His name. OH! Side note: my hair is growing back! It's about two inches long now - mixed in with pieces of my regular hair that seemed to hang on. It looks weird, I have a Mohawk type thing going on, and one wild cowlick going on which leaves me with the "I-just-rolled-out-of-bed" look. I realize it'll take years for it to be back where it was, but my hair has finally completely stopped falling out - PRAISE the Lord! It took about 4 months total for it to stop falling out after I took my last chemo injection.
So what is next? Well, I have a major check-up on December 13. Full day of bloodwork and CT scan at Johns Hopkins Kimmel Cancer Center. I'm not nervous about the bloodwork at all really, but the CT scan will be the more nerve wracking part. I've started coughing again last month, just a dry cough, the same type of cough that started when the masses showed up in my lungs in May of this year. Though, I really think I'm just paranoid and it's all a placebo. I don't think about it too often, but it is in the back of my head. At the end of the day, it really isn't worth getting worked up about - I totally and completely trust God with my life, and I trust that His hand is guiding everything including the wisdom and expertise of my doctors. Life is too full of God's grace and beauty for us to spend every waking moment worried about what is behind a headache, a cough, "a funny, off feeling," or any other physical ailment. He is so trustworthy, and so sovereign.
The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord is enthroned as King forever. The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. - Psalm 29:10-11, NIV
PS - I'm incredibly grateful for the grace of everyone who has weathered this last year with me. I'm truly thankful for you....and even more thankful for the grace you give me. You have been the hands and feet of our King to me, and had mercy on a lowly sinner such as myself to care for me in a time of need. While I hate to admit this, the "needy" the Lord constantly talks about in scripture is ALL of us.
He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; - Psalm 113:7, NIV
It is a sin to despise one's neighbor, but blessed is the one who is kind to the needy. - Proverbs 14:21, NIV
But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; you are my God, do not delay. - Psalm 40:17, NIV
I felt incredibly "needy" throughout this last year, not able to do many things for myself....compromising my personal dignity to be able to do things on my own with little help diminished to not even being able to go to the grocery store without assistance or at all. I felt "needy" thousands of miles away from family and fighting my very "need" for help. However, out of God's kindness, he humbles us under His caring hands. Anyhow, I don't deserve the grace I've received from so many, even those who have tirelessly put up with my poking and prodding to stay up late and meet for countless coffees, lunches, and glasses of wine simply because I can now. It is all is under the veil of grace, and the grace given to me is the top of grace and love from our Creator that changes a heart - my heart, for His glory. Thankfully, I'll never be the same.
In fact, someone asked me this past weekend at a housewarming party, "Do you think the post-cancer high has worn off yet?" As you may recall - as I'm sure my friends do - as my energy began to return and I was feeling great again, I wanted to spend all my time out and about, doing things, living life, hanging out with friends, meeting new people, working, exercising, etc. I'm sure my friends began praying for me to come down off my cloud as I was pressuring them on occasion to watch movies until late hours, grab coffee at 1 am, go dancing at a moment's notice, and I basically just turned into a raging night owl (well, let me rephrase - NOT the raging night owl one may be in their early 20's). But the truth of it is, sure, I've become somewhat readjusted to "normal" life and I try to talk my friends into late hours less and less, however, I've learned that it is ok that I'll never be the same again. Honestly, weathering all the trials and terrible circumstance would be an absolutely tragic waste if I stayed exactly the same. I truly believe God uses our pain to mold us and shape us into something different, something more like Him and His character.
The post-cancer high will most likely never end for me, and I hope it doesn't. Now that the dust has had more time to settle, I've had to take a look around and survey the damage done by this terrible illness. And you know what, I made it out alive - at least for today, and today is all I need for God's glory. Everything is different. I find myself getting so much more emotional so much easier when talking about God's grace, His kindness, the absolute rest in His sovereignty, and just how thankful I am for every single little thing He has given me, nothing is too small. God's finger prints cover everything in our lives, most of the time we are too blinded by ourselves to see them. Out of God's own mercy for me, He did something He didn't have to - He allowed cancer to be the clay and spittle upon my eyes that He used to wash my eyes clean, to be able to see - and see life more clearly through a lens only He can provide. Every moment matters, and I never want to miss it. Every laugh, every tear, every smile, every hug, every deep conversation, every encouraging word, every truth revealed, every one moment, all of it.....you see, for months and months I was forced to miss out on so much as chemotherapy held me back quite a bit. I don't want to miss out on any of it. THANK GOD I had to go through cancer.....how much cheaper and expendable would it all seem without the experience of it all being taken away?
Chemotherapy was terrible, sure. But in those moments where I was too weak to do a thing, even too weak to read the bible because these drugs completely wipe you out, and all I could do is lay on my bed and pray. To me, the prayers probably made no sense, but I know God is thankfully so gracious to hear my feeble attempts to call on His name. OH! Side note: my hair is growing back! It's about two inches long now - mixed in with pieces of my regular hair that seemed to hang on. It looks weird, I have a Mohawk type thing going on, and one wild cowlick going on which leaves me with the "I-just-rolled-out-of-bed" look. I realize it'll take years for it to be back where it was, but my hair has finally completely stopped falling out - PRAISE the Lord! It took about 4 months total for it to stop falling out after I took my last chemo injection.
So what is next? Well, I have a major check-up on December 13. Full day of bloodwork and CT scan at Johns Hopkins Kimmel Cancer Center. I'm not nervous about the bloodwork at all really, but the CT scan will be the more nerve wracking part. I've started coughing again last month, just a dry cough, the same type of cough that started when the masses showed up in my lungs in May of this year. Though, I really think I'm just paranoid and it's all a placebo. I don't think about it too often, but it is in the back of my head. At the end of the day, it really isn't worth getting worked up about - I totally and completely trust God with my life, and I trust that His hand is guiding everything including the wisdom and expertise of my doctors. Life is too full of God's grace and beauty for us to spend every waking moment worried about what is behind a headache, a cough, "a funny, off feeling," or any other physical ailment. He is so trustworthy, and so sovereign.
The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord is enthroned as King forever. The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. - Psalm 29:10-11, NIV
PS - I'm incredibly grateful for the grace of everyone who has weathered this last year with me. I'm truly thankful for you....and even more thankful for the grace you give me. You have been the hands and feet of our King to me, and had mercy on a lowly sinner such as myself to care for me in a time of need. While I hate to admit this, the "needy" the Lord constantly talks about in scripture is ALL of us.
He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; - Psalm 113:7, NIV
It is a sin to despise one's neighbor, but blessed is the one who is kind to the needy. - Proverbs 14:21, NIV
But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; you are my God, do not delay. - Psalm 40:17, NIV
I felt incredibly "needy" throughout this last year, not able to do many things for myself....compromising my personal dignity to be able to do things on my own with little help diminished to not even being able to go to the grocery store without assistance or at all. I felt "needy" thousands of miles away from family and fighting my very "need" for help. However, out of God's kindness, he humbles us under His caring hands. Anyhow, I don't deserve the grace I've received from so many, even those who have tirelessly put up with my poking and prodding to stay up late and meet for countless coffees, lunches, and glasses of wine simply because I can now. It is all is under the veil of grace, and the grace given to me is the top of grace and love from our Creator that changes a heart - my heart, for His glory. Thankfully, I'll never be the same.
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