When I was a little girl, I used to love (most of the time) when my Mom would do my hair. She'd brush it and put it in a nice pony tail, which would later become destroyed from wearing a horseback riding helmet or from playing outside or swimming. The rubber band would always go three times around. Fast forward 28 years later, and I never realized what a simple joy it would be to simply be able to put my hair in a pony tail again. Three times around. My hair has been growing steadily, and its thick enough to wrap the pony tail rubber band three times around again! I know it's dumb, and maybe comes across as vain, but to me its a slight comfort - a mere sign that I'm getting back to my old self and moving further away from the trauma of the big C.
Last week marked two years since my diagnosis. I know, everyone MUST be sick of hearing about all of this by now. I know I am some times. Truth is, there are still good days and bad days. Bad days become much fewer, though still existent. Today was one of those bad days, for example. Costs to pay for everything gets high even with insurance (this month my medical expenses totaled over $1600), biopsies keep coming and going (I have one tomorrow at 8:30 AM), and you keep trying to process it all. It really is ok, at the end of the day, God is still on the throne.
I've become more laid back. At first I thought this was because I made my room more "beachy" but I've realized the things I'd normally get worked up about, are not a big deal anymore. Everything we take for granted, I find myself doing less of that. For example, some times I like to go on a long walk just because I can, or put my hair in a pony tail because I can, or read a book because I can and actually remember it now that I'm off chemo, or hang out with girlfriends every chance I get because I can now. I want to spend time with people I love and care about more, and stress about job, health, finances less. For example, when I was on chemo, I remember I'd physically see people dying. Dying in their chemo bed, knowing this is their last shot at a medical miracle. But you'd know it because you'd see family come in and sit with them. The family would always hug their loved one and ask questions that you would ask if you hadn't seen someone in a long time. The family was there paying their last visits, saying what they wanted to last say. In the moment, of course I was sad. But as I weathered the disease further, I found myself becoming sad, or even angry, at the thought of those families. What I wanted to say, if I saw that scene again is, "where were you when they were living?!" Why does it seem that we want to rush in during the final moments, the final days, the final hours to drop an emotional bomb of everything we wanted to say when we find out someone is leaving us? We have them now! Do we get so busy in our own lives, in our careers, in our day to day, that we forget each second is an absolute gift from God Himself? Do we forget that we have NOW to love someone instead of putting it off until the Lord is calling them home? Whatever is distracting us, or pulling us away from meeting the need for love or kindness in another human being (image bearer of God Himself), is it worth it? I'm not sure, ya know?
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. - 1 John 4:12, NIV
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. - John 13:35, NIV
I know its difficult to hear or read without the sting of some conviction, even for myself. But God has not called me to be a busy body, He has called me to love well for His glory. I can only pray, that with His help, I can do that better than I did before I was sick. One day we won't have these bodies, we won't have these jobs, we won't even have bank accounts, but we will have Jesus Christ and we can have each other.
Two years. It seems like its been much longer than that. No doubt, I was in the palm of the very hand of God for much of that time. How do I know? Because I look back at the time I was weathering it, on chemo and sick, and ask myself, how did I do that.......after realizing my own sinfulness and weaknesses. God. God carried me through. Scripture says:
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. - Romans 8:26, NIV
Even the Holy Spirit Himself prays for us when we cannot. That is a comfort, one among many many promises God has for us.
Tomorrow I go in for another biopsy. I forget how desensitized I am to these by now, and how others are not. It's the usual, wait ten days and get the results. I had three biopsies two weeks ago. One came back mild (aka nothing wrong), two were moderate (aka would be cancer in five years-ish). The Lord has been so kind and gentle in dealing with me, and I'm more than thankful for the patience and grace of many who have cared for me along the way.
I pray that today you worry less, don't sweat the small stuff. Somewhere, someone is wishing they were in your shoes - wishing they had your education, wishing they had your house, your ability to go running, your ability to have children, etc. Sometimes it takes losing all of it to realize all we really have is Christ, and in Him we have all we can hope.
Last week marked two years since my diagnosis. I know, everyone MUST be sick of hearing about all of this by now. I know I am some times. Truth is, there are still good days and bad days. Bad days become much fewer, though still existent. Today was one of those bad days, for example. Costs to pay for everything gets high even with insurance (this month my medical expenses totaled over $1600), biopsies keep coming and going (I have one tomorrow at 8:30 AM), and you keep trying to process it all. It really is ok, at the end of the day, God is still on the throne.
I've become more laid back. At first I thought this was because I made my room more "beachy" but I've realized the things I'd normally get worked up about, are not a big deal anymore. Everything we take for granted, I find myself doing less of that. For example, some times I like to go on a long walk just because I can, or put my hair in a pony tail because I can, or read a book because I can and actually remember it now that I'm off chemo, or hang out with girlfriends every chance I get because I can now. I want to spend time with people I love and care about more, and stress about job, health, finances less. For example, when I was on chemo, I remember I'd physically see people dying. Dying in their chemo bed, knowing this is their last shot at a medical miracle. But you'd know it because you'd see family come in and sit with them. The family would always hug their loved one and ask questions that you would ask if you hadn't seen someone in a long time. The family was there paying their last visits, saying what they wanted to last say. In the moment, of course I was sad. But as I weathered the disease further, I found myself becoming sad, or even angry, at the thought of those families. What I wanted to say, if I saw that scene again is, "where were you when they were living?!" Why does it seem that we want to rush in during the final moments, the final days, the final hours to drop an emotional bomb of everything we wanted to say when we find out someone is leaving us? We have them now! Do we get so busy in our own lives, in our careers, in our day to day, that we forget each second is an absolute gift from God Himself? Do we forget that we have NOW to love someone instead of putting it off until the Lord is calling them home? Whatever is distracting us, or pulling us away from meeting the need for love or kindness in another human being (image bearer of God Himself), is it worth it? I'm not sure, ya know?
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. - 1 John 4:12, NIV
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. - John 13:35, NIV
I know its difficult to hear or read without the sting of some conviction, even for myself. But God has not called me to be a busy body, He has called me to love well for His glory. I can only pray, that with His help, I can do that better than I did before I was sick. One day we won't have these bodies, we won't have these jobs, we won't even have bank accounts, but we will have Jesus Christ and we can have each other.
Two years. It seems like its been much longer than that. No doubt, I was in the palm of the very hand of God for much of that time. How do I know? Because I look back at the time I was weathering it, on chemo and sick, and ask myself, how did I do that.......after realizing my own sinfulness and weaknesses. God. God carried me through. Scripture says:
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. - Romans 8:26, NIV
Even the Holy Spirit Himself prays for us when we cannot. That is a comfort, one among many many promises God has for us.
Tomorrow I go in for another biopsy. I forget how desensitized I am to these by now, and how others are not. It's the usual, wait ten days and get the results. I had three biopsies two weeks ago. One came back mild (aka nothing wrong), two were moderate (aka would be cancer in five years-ish). The Lord has been so kind and gentle in dealing with me, and I'm more than thankful for the patience and grace of many who have cared for me along the way.
I pray that today you worry less, don't sweat the small stuff. Somewhere, someone is wishing they were in your shoes - wishing they had your education, wishing they had your house, your ability to go running, your ability to have children, etc. Sometimes it takes losing all of it to realize all we really have is Christ, and in Him we have all we can hope.
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