I survived.
I showed up for my MRI bright and early this past Thursday, and I had a male nurse named Kokeb there to help me. He was from Ethiopia, and hoped to take his medical skills back to his home country one day where he could use MRI technology to help people. (I thought that was cool) I digress..... Turns out, my MRI ordered contrast. I'd never had contrast in an MRI before. This means they needed to test my kidneys, and then run an IV (womp, womp). My kidneys were in excellent shape after he tested my blood and creatnin levels. This mean Kokeb could start an IV. This was going to be difficult. You see, since I've had 18 lymph nodes removed and do not have a lymphatic system in the upper left part of my body anymore, everything has to be done on my right arm. Vaccines, IVs, blood pressure, you name it. I have only three veins able to take an IV on my right arm, and they are pretty small. One is on a nerve, which hurts like you would not believe. One on top of my hand has been by far used the most and is under layers of scarred tissue (it has been stuck over 150 times, I lost count a while back). The third is where I bend my arm, so it is too easy to bend the catheters. Kokeb was up for the challenge.
You see, every time I get an IV, I usually have a new nurse and I have to explain this history to them. Most of the time they get nervous, some freak out and won't do it. Those nurses usually call their senior counterpart to do it. Explaining veins is always just a part of the process. Kokeb went on top of my right hand, off to an even smaller vein (unusual when inserting contrast) and got it on the first try! We went in the room, I laid on the table. He put my head in the cradle, closed the top so it was in front of my face now. He added a mirror for me to look up, like a rearview mirror sort of, so if I looked up at it, I could see him in the exam room. This actually made me feel a little better! He gave me these really thick headphones that played classical music (it was actually more like tunes straight out of Gone With The Wind, haha!). One cool thing about hospital blankets, is that they are usually kept in these heater like things you would have for loaves of bread at Subway! He tucked me in with two of them, which was awesome because the room is so cold. I just breathed easy, laid back, closed my eyes, and prayed. I thought of this verse immediately:
The Lord Himself will fight for you; you need only to be still. - Exodus 14:14, NIV
And still I was. I had to be. After about 15 minutes or so, Kokeb came back in and injected the contrast into me via the IV, which felt cold going in. I've learned that contrast, while harmless on the most part, still can take a lot out of you. I always feel pretty tired for a day or two after having contrast. The doctors encourage me to drinks lots of water after having it, so I'm slamming back full glasses of H2O for the next couple of days. It felt good to rest over the weekend, even though I was largely unproductive.
I woke up on Saturday to a message from my oncologist. I knew that was a good sign. When it's bad, they always call you. He said my brain was normal. (A relief to those that had any doubts or questions! haha!) yay! Now I could go on with life for the next year, not worrying about any brain lesions or intracranial metastasis.
So here we go, another work week. Another week to take on by His grace.
I was talking to my roommates recently, and I think one thing I've started to notice about myself is that I have this great fear of not using every second of my life for a purpose. Like not the micro-managey type, but wanting my life to count. Wanting my time to be towards a purpose. That sounds kind of exhausting, doesn't it? Maybe it's healthy, but when I think to what the next chapter of my life will look like, I have no idea what to expect. In some ways, it's good to be open and malleable. I don't like to get ahead of God, I want Him to align my steps by opening doors and closing others. I just want to love for His glory. Then I realized, I'm going to fail at this. We all do in some way. None of us are able to love perfectly, we're not God. Only God is able to love perfectly. In a way, it's a relief.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. - 1 John 4:18a, NIV
We love because he first loved us. - 1 John 4:19, NIV
These verses are etched in my heart, and help me to realize it is only by God's help that I can love others with a selfless, radical love. I'm so thankful God's love is perfect, and He is there to provide wisdom to us and help us to love like Him. It is so easy to feel like we fail at this constantly. We're human beings, prone to sin over and over. God accepts us and loves us not because we earn His love, we are completely incapable of earning His love. But....He loves us out of His own grace. Because He chooses to love us. Despite how we turn our backs on Him each day in each sin, He still reaches for us, He still loves us, He still wants His best for us, He still provides for us, He still chooses to forgive us, He still wants our hearts. It rocks my world that God still never lets me go. God welcomes me not because of any good deeds I've done, but because of what He has done on the Cross. Game changer.
Failing at loving others doesn't feel good. It feels a little like having a heavy wave (like Mavericks in Northern California....80 foot wave) crashing on you, pushing you deep down into dark, freezing cold water and you can't even figure out which way to swim up. And as soon as you make it to the surface and catch your breath, you get another wave in the set coming down on you almost as worse as the first. You're in the impact zone. BUT......
There. is. hope.
We can follow the One who does love perfectly. God washes us new each day, as His word says:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentation 3:22-23, NIV (emphasis added mine)
I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. - Isaiah 44:22, NIV
Literally, I thank God for these beautiful, amazing promises. Everyday we get a new start with God. Everyday. I sincerely pray that I can love like He does, even just a little bit. A move closer to being less of myself, and more full of Him. We serve a God who never gives up on us. With His help, we only get better over time. He is that kind, that loving, that patient. Not a minute or second wasted.
I showed up for my MRI bright and early this past Thursday, and I had a male nurse named Kokeb there to help me. He was from Ethiopia, and hoped to take his medical skills back to his home country one day where he could use MRI technology to help people. (I thought that was cool) I digress..... Turns out, my MRI ordered contrast. I'd never had contrast in an MRI before. This means they needed to test my kidneys, and then run an IV (womp, womp). My kidneys were in excellent shape after he tested my blood and creatnin levels. This mean Kokeb could start an IV. This was going to be difficult. You see, since I've had 18 lymph nodes removed and do not have a lymphatic system in the upper left part of my body anymore, everything has to be done on my right arm. Vaccines, IVs, blood pressure, you name it. I have only three veins able to take an IV on my right arm, and they are pretty small. One is on a nerve, which hurts like you would not believe. One on top of my hand has been by far used the most and is under layers of scarred tissue (it has been stuck over 150 times, I lost count a while back). The third is where I bend my arm, so it is too easy to bend the catheters. Kokeb was up for the challenge.
You see, every time I get an IV, I usually have a new nurse and I have to explain this history to them. Most of the time they get nervous, some freak out and won't do it. Those nurses usually call their senior counterpart to do it. Explaining veins is always just a part of the process. Kokeb went on top of my right hand, off to an even smaller vein (unusual when inserting contrast) and got it on the first try! We went in the room, I laid on the table. He put my head in the cradle, closed the top so it was in front of my face now. He added a mirror for me to look up, like a rearview mirror sort of, so if I looked up at it, I could see him in the exam room. This actually made me feel a little better! He gave me these really thick headphones that played classical music (it was actually more like tunes straight out of Gone With The Wind, haha!). One cool thing about hospital blankets, is that they are usually kept in these heater like things you would have for loaves of bread at Subway! He tucked me in with two of them, which was awesome because the room is so cold. I just breathed easy, laid back, closed my eyes, and prayed. I thought of this verse immediately:
The Lord Himself will fight for you; you need only to be still. - Exodus 14:14, NIV
And still I was. I had to be. After about 15 minutes or so, Kokeb came back in and injected the contrast into me via the IV, which felt cold going in. I've learned that contrast, while harmless on the most part, still can take a lot out of you. I always feel pretty tired for a day or two after having contrast. The doctors encourage me to drinks lots of water after having it, so I'm slamming back full glasses of H2O for the next couple of days. It felt good to rest over the weekend, even though I was largely unproductive.
I woke up on Saturday to a message from my oncologist. I knew that was a good sign. When it's bad, they always call you. He said my brain was normal. (A relief to those that had any doubts or questions! haha!) yay! Now I could go on with life for the next year, not worrying about any brain lesions or intracranial metastasis.
So here we go, another work week. Another week to take on by His grace.
I was talking to my roommates recently, and I think one thing I've started to notice about myself is that I have this great fear of not using every second of my life for a purpose. Like not the micro-managey type, but wanting my life to count. Wanting my time to be towards a purpose. That sounds kind of exhausting, doesn't it? Maybe it's healthy, but when I think to what the next chapter of my life will look like, I have no idea what to expect. In some ways, it's good to be open and malleable. I don't like to get ahead of God, I want Him to align my steps by opening doors and closing others. I just want to love for His glory. Then I realized, I'm going to fail at this. We all do in some way. None of us are able to love perfectly, we're not God. Only God is able to love perfectly. In a way, it's a relief.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. - 1 John 4:18a, NIV
We love because he first loved us. - 1 John 4:19, NIV
These verses are etched in my heart, and help me to realize it is only by God's help that I can love others with a selfless, radical love. I'm so thankful God's love is perfect, and He is there to provide wisdom to us and help us to love like Him. It is so easy to feel like we fail at this constantly. We're human beings, prone to sin over and over. God accepts us and loves us not because we earn His love, we are completely incapable of earning His love. But....He loves us out of His own grace. Because He chooses to love us. Despite how we turn our backs on Him each day in each sin, He still reaches for us, He still loves us, He still wants His best for us, He still provides for us, He still chooses to forgive us, He still wants our hearts. It rocks my world that God still never lets me go. God welcomes me not because of any good deeds I've done, but because of what He has done on the Cross. Game changer.
Failing at loving others doesn't feel good. It feels a little like having a heavy wave (like Mavericks in Northern California....80 foot wave) crashing on you, pushing you deep down into dark, freezing cold water and you can't even figure out which way to swim up. And as soon as you make it to the surface and catch your breath, you get another wave in the set coming down on you almost as worse as the first. You're in the impact zone. BUT......
There. is. hope.
We can follow the One who does love perfectly. God washes us new each day, as His word says:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentation 3:22-23, NIV (emphasis added mine)
I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. - Isaiah 44:22, NIV
Literally, I thank God for these beautiful, amazing promises. Everyday we get a new start with God. Everyday. I sincerely pray that I can love like He does, even just a little bit. A move closer to being less of myself, and more full of Him. We serve a God who never gives up on us. With His help, we only get better over time. He is that kind, that loving, that patient. Not a minute or second wasted.
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