How It Started Three Years Ago

I didn’t recognize the phone number, but answered it anyway.  It was 4:45 pm on an idle Tuesday afternoon, and I was looking forward to getting out of work to meet a girlfriend for dinner.  It was my physician, “do you have a minute?”  For a second, I couldn’t think of why on earth she was calling me.  Then it registered, maybe something was wrong with my biopsy from six days ago.  She asked me to get a pen to write down what she was about to tell me.  It was a blur, more like hearing white noise.  Phone numbers, measurements, wait, what?  Oncologist. Surgeon. Those are serious words, I was thinking to myself.  Tears started to well up.  My mind flashed to danger of doubting God, and I closed my eyes to silently pray, “God, I never want to doubt for one second that you are good.”  The talking, or white noise, on the other end stopped.  I asked, “so what does this mean exactly?”  The doctor replied following a weighted sigh, “it means you have cancer.”

This was it.  It was that phone call that you never, ever dreamed you’d get.  Especially not at age 30.  I sat back, put down my pen.  I stared at what I wrote, having absolutely no idea what any of it meant.  Tears were streaming down my face at this point.  I had to tell someone.  But wait, should I?  I mean, this will likely freak out some people.  And my parents, how on earth do I tell my parents?  Who do I tell first?  Is there a rank?  Telling everyone sounded incredibly overwhelming.  What if I’m overreacting?  What if this is nothing at all?  Wait, she said cancer.  She said oncologist.  She said surgery.  That’s kind of huge, I think.  I absolutely cannot do this without prayer, from anyone who would offer it.  I needed prayer. 

I told my boss.  He sat with me while I cried.  He sat with me while I picked up the phone and called the hospital phone number that my doctor just gave me.  No answer.  They closed at 4:30 pm, I had just missed them.  He told me I had all the support I needed, to take the time I need, and was incredibly supportive.  The next two conversations were my Mom and Dad, I don’t even remember the order or what I said exactly.  I just remember saying, “I have cancer.”  And wondering, did those words just really leave my mouth?  Am I in a bad dream?  This can’t be real.  I’m too young to be saying that.  It’s not real.  I have no idea what lies ahead, but I know I need God and I need prayer.

That was September 25, 2012.

It’s been three years.  I wish I could tell you that cancer doesn’t impact the rest of your life, but it does.  You can try to compartmentalize it, but that’s like trying to clean up an oil spill with a paper towel.  It doesn’t stay neatly on it’s side of the table.  However, the lasting impact doesn’t have to be bad.

Are there lasting negatives?  Sure.  I have lots of physical scars (and I’m sure some emotional ones too), lungs that have been through way more than they needed to be at my age, lots of scarred tissue, and been on way more drugs than I can possibly remember.  Not to mention that “lab rat” feeling you get after a while.  Oh, and the tremendous shattering cancer places on a number of your relationships, and your career.  The unknown fertility outcome, because let’s be honest, when you set off a nuclear bomb in your body – even your doctors aren’t sure what happens for years to come.  The list goes on.

But…..

I can rejoice.  God is sovereign, and because He is sovereign I can trust that His hands are at work for my good and His glory.  I can trust that my suffering has had a purpose.  I can rest in Him knowing that He is making sense out of what seems like it has no sense.  Birthdays have way more meaning now, not everyone gets to have them.  Small things like traffic, dirty dishes, and getting groceries no longer seem like an annoyance.  Going for a run or a workout now seems like a privilege.  The desire to be right for the sake of being right doesn’t matter anymore.  The definition of “stress” takes on an entirely new and adjusted meaning.  Getting your hair done is way more fun, and a privilege.  You want to love people better.  Failure no longer seems as fatal as you once thought it was, you realize God is there to catch you and sustain you. 

Purpose, with God, your suffering has a purpose.

I had felt convicted back then as I still do that I never prayed for my own healing.  I only prayed for God to be glorified.  I gave my life to God a long time ago, and it is up to Him how He uses it.  Whatever He determines that is, it is my privilege to live it out.  I serve a God that can be trusted, and who loves far beyond we can measure.  Today, there are still risks and tough statistics to live out.  According to the instrument they used when I was 30, I have a 58 percent chance of seeing my 40^th birthday.  (One friend of mine recommended writing a letter to myself to open on my 40^th birthday, I might just do that!)  Every day is a gift.   Embrace it, and embrace God’s unfailing kindness.

If you want to see a glimpse of what my first year with cancer was like, this is a short video (so crazy that it now has over 22,000 views!) that was put together for DC Cancer Consortium:  

Someone who saw it recently asked me, why are you smiling in most of these pictures?  I never noticed it before, but when I thought about those times I remembered that I just knew it was always up to God.  Don’t get me wrong, there were definitely bad days.  But, my grasp of truth never wavered only because my God never waivers. 

It’s been a messy but beautiful three years.  Thankful for every piece of it.  Some of the memories come and go.  Each time I go for a checkup, I know I’m only one test away from being right back in that same chair in the chemo room.  Now to the cancer patient who just got a diagnosis, I would tell you this:  Hold on.  Just hold on.  Hold on to God, as tight as you possibly can.  He will never, ever let you go.  Know that in the midst of circumstances you may not ever understand, you can trust that He will use this for good.  You are directly in His care, and it is so much bigger than you can imagine.  So, hold on.  Hold to His truth, hold on to His grace and mercy, hold on to His wisdom, hold on to Him in your good and bad days.  But, just hold on. 

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. – James 1:17, NIV