This is my feeble attempt to provide an update, and to hopefully just make sense of random verbal musings and processing swirling my brain (as I usually do, my apologies if it seems like scattered paint on a canvas).
As for my health, I'm alive! I'm surviving, things are going well. I had a check-up recently with bloodwork, and my lymphocytes were actually slightly low. My oncologist said it wasn't anything to be too worried about, so onward we go. I need to get around to scheduling my next skin exam just to make sure I'm staying healthy. I'll have a CT scan coming up in April I believe, so that's the next item on the schedule. Praying my lungs stay in good condition.
Well, I had a birthday. If memory serves me correctly, I have a 62% chance of seeing my 40th birthday so the ability to welcome another one is always sweet. Living in the gift of birthdays doesn't always equal a peachy, happy-go-lucky season of life. Fortunately, my birthday was so fun and wonderful friends/family to match!
Of course, living in the "value what is now" brings its own blessings and challenges. You actually have to talk yourself into being ok with "no plans" and mere blank space in your schedule. After having nearly everything stripped from you including your ability to just go on a jog, you want to embrace every living second of life. Working through the wake of havoc in one's life brings about a range of emotions and feelings in addition to accrued perspective. And perhaps perspective that is indeed a gift from God Himself. We're all a work in progress though, cancer or no cancer. One thing I've grown to crave and embrace out of a multitude of trials is simply authenticity. A safe place where it is ok to not be ok, not just for you but for those you are in relationship with too. The sweet collision where humanity manifests on a path that only God can orchestrate. He is our Conductor, the knower of our hearts regardless of their condition, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, and undoubtedly our King. So, why is authentic relationship so risky?
As two friends recently shared with me, their biggest fear in pursuing deeper relationship with someone where authenticity and transparency exists is in fact, rejection. And rightly so, rejection is a terrifying conclusion. I also have another group of friends that fear being remotely transparent about any sort of emotion due to the risk of not being taken seriously, or the risk of seeming unprofessional in a city that beckons the dismissal of work/life/balance at every corner. (We do live in Washington, DC after all) And mostly the complaint of hesitating in authenticity is, like my first two friends, fear of being exposed, or misunderstood, or abandonment, or not being accepted, or someone taking a look at the deepest intricacies of one's heart and offering the mere proverbial reply, "it's just not good enough." We all deal with it at some level. It's scary. It has the risk of leaving one feeling alone, hurt, not in the popular crowd, rejected, not accepted, outcasted, misunderstood, and a host of other terrifying feelings. You may actually lose.
However, I am one of those people that does believe God has created us for relationship. We need relationship with Him. And further, I go a step to say we need relationship with people too. God has created us in such a way that as He has loved us first by His own choosing, we can show His existence by our love for others.
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. - 1 John 4:7, NIV
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. - 1 John 4: 12, NIV
Simply put, pursuing authentic relationships is far with worth the risk. C.S. Lewis puts it this way:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis
It's not easy. And I've certainly lost some myself in my lifetime in every way imaginable. However, we can trust that God has certainly used it for His good. It is without regret. Not to say that I wouldn't change a thousand things about the past because I would, but I don't need to - God can (and does) redeem anything and everything.
By His grace, we stand in the face of our fear and hold on to God's truth. This has been me lately. Each day, my knuckles have been white from hanging on to Jesus so hard. It's not that fear is overwhelming, its that my Savior has unfailing truth and an everlasting love. In the storm, we can hang on and trust that He has overcome the world - and with Him, all things are possible. By His grace, He can provide an authenticity that doesn't fail, doesn't reject, doesn't leave you lost, doesn't abandon you, doesn't turn you away, doesn't die, doesn't fade away. God can look at your deepest, darkest, most unsightly scars and scoop you into His arms and never let you go. Nor would He ever want to, no matter how fearful you are or how much you hold back - He is there.
Being authentic with God is a sweet, most sacred place that compares to nothing else. He alone makes us whole. And being able to take up the risk, and seek authenticity among believers is a risk worth taking. Human beings may fail you, but the you may never know the fruit on the other side. To know and be known is a gift God brings in a community of believers, and the relationships go even deeper with God's wisdom. To be completely spiritually naked before another image bearer of God is a level of vulnerability that few may willingly venture to, but the ability - if you are that person observing - to return grace is purely in the character of God Himself. To see past a person's shameful sin, their attempts to manage their image, the mask they wear, the persona they try to emulate to keep it together, to look past all of that and love them anyway is a grace that can only come from God.
So, to that I say, God is worth it. Grace is worth it. Humility is worth it. Kindness is worth it. Patience is worth it. Compassion is worth it. Forgiveness is worth it. Transparency is worth it. Authenticity is worth it. Being real is worth it. Your heart is worth it. You are worth it. Jesus is worth it. Love is worth it.
As for my health, I'm alive! I'm surviving, things are going well. I had a check-up recently with bloodwork, and my lymphocytes were actually slightly low. My oncologist said it wasn't anything to be too worried about, so onward we go. I need to get around to scheduling my next skin exam just to make sure I'm staying healthy. I'll have a CT scan coming up in April I believe, so that's the next item on the schedule. Praying my lungs stay in good condition.
Well, I had a birthday. If memory serves me correctly, I have a 62% chance of seeing my 40th birthday so the ability to welcome another one is always sweet. Living in the gift of birthdays doesn't always equal a peachy, happy-go-lucky season of life. Fortunately, my birthday was so fun and wonderful friends/family to match!
Of course, living in the "value what is now" brings its own blessings and challenges. You actually have to talk yourself into being ok with "no plans" and mere blank space in your schedule. After having nearly everything stripped from you including your ability to just go on a jog, you want to embrace every living second of life. Working through the wake of havoc in one's life brings about a range of emotions and feelings in addition to accrued perspective. And perhaps perspective that is indeed a gift from God Himself. We're all a work in progress though, cancer or no cancer. One thing I've grown to crave and embrace out of a multitude of trials is simply authenticity. A safe place where it is ok to not be ok, not just for you but for those you are in relationship with too. The sweet collision where humanity manifests on a path that only God can orchestrate. He is our Conductor, the knower of our hearts regardless of their condition, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, and undoubtedly our King. So, why is authentic relationship so risky?
As two friends recently shared with me, their biggest fear in pursuing deeper relationship with someone where authenticity and transparency exists is in fact, rejection. And rightly so, rejection is a terrifying conclusion. I also have another group of friends that fear being remotely transparent about any sort of emotion due to the risk of not being taken seriously, or the risk of seeming unprofessional in a city that beckons the dismissal of work/life/balance at every corner. (We do live in Washington, DC after all) And mostly the complaint of hesitating in authenticity is, like my first two friends, fear of being exposed, or misunderstood, or abandonment, or not being accepted, or someone taking a look at the deepest intricacies of one's heart and offering the mere proverbial reply, "it's just not good enough." We all deal with it at some level. It's scary. It has the risk of leaving one feeling alone, hurt, not in the popular crowd, rejected, not accepted, outcasted, misunderstood, and a host of other terrifying feelings. You may actually lose.
However, I am one of those people that does believe God has created us for relationship. We need relationship with Him. And further, I go a step to say we need relationship with people too. God has created us in such a way that as He has loved us first by His own choosing, we can show His existence by our love for others.
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. - 1 John 4:7, NIV
No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. - 1 John 4: 12, NIV
Simply put, pursuing authentic relationships is far with worth the risk. C.S. Lewis puts it this way:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis
It's not easy. And I've certainly lost some myself in my lifetime in every way imaginable. However, we can trust that God has certainly used it for His good. It is without regret. Not to say that I wouldn't change a thousand things about the past because I would, but I don't need to - God can (and does) redeem anything and everything.
By His grace, we stand in the face of our fear and hold on to God's truth. This has been me lately. Each day, my knuckles have been white from hanging on to Jesus so hard. It's not that fear is overwhelming, its that my Savior has unfailing truth and an everlasting love. In the storm, we can hang on and trust that He has overcome the world - and with Him, all things are possible. By His grace, He can provide an authenticity that doesn't fail, doesn't reject, doesn't leave you lost, doesn't abandon you, doesn't turn you away, doesn't die, doesn't fade away. God can look at your deepest, darkest, most unsightly scars and scoop you into His arms and never let you go. Nor would He ever want to, no matter how fearful you are or how much you hold back - He is there.
Being authentic with God is a sweet, most sacred place that compares to nothing else. He alone makes us whole. And being able to take up the risk, and seek authenticity among believers is a risk worth taking. Human beings may fail you, but the you may never know the fruit on the other side. To know and be known is a gift God brings in a community of believers, and the relationships go even deeper with God's wisdom. To be completely spiritually naked before another image bearer of God is a level of vulnerability that few may willingly venture to, but the ability - if you are that person observing - to return grace is purely in the character of God Himself. To see past a person's shameful sin, their attempts to manage their image, the mask they wear, the persona they try to emulate to keep it together, to look past all of that and love them anyway is a grace that can only come from God.
So, to that I say, God is worth it. Grace is worth it. Humility is worth it. Kindness is worth it. Patience is worth it. Compassion is worth it. Forgiveness is worth it. Transparency is worth it. Authenticity is worth it. Being real is worth it. Your heart is worth it. You are worth it. Jesus is worth it. Love is worth it.
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