A Second Diagnosis

For those of you finding my blog by way of my YouTube page, I'm sad to update that my cancer has returned. As of June 2016, the melanoma has metastasized to my left kidney. Below is the following email I sent to a handful of friends when I found out: 

Hey y'all,

Today was a very difficult day.  As of today, around 2:30 pm this afternoon I was diagnosed with cancer - again.  Some of you know I had a biopsy of my left kidney earlier this week, and it turns out the tumor in my left kidney is indeed metastatic melanoma (the same type of cancer I had before).  This is the most dangerous and serious scenario possible.  I got the call from my doctor literally seconds before I was to walk into my Senator's office to let him know I accepted a new job.  

Side note:  On June 27, I'm set to start as the new Communications Director for the U.S. House of Representatives Committee on Science, Space, and Technology.  (for you Houston and East Coast Florida peeps, that means we oversee all of NASA!)  

And today, in timing that I trust was the Lord's, I found out the diagnosis that I feared most.  I entered the Senator's office, and out of His kindness, my manager and our Legislative Director let the Senator know about my diagnosis as I composed myself outside the office.  Truly, I have worked with such an incredible team and a wonderful Senator who loves Jesus - he is the real deal - and God has been so gracious to allow me to work with these dear fellow believers.  The Senator, who I've worked for the last two years, gave me a hug, said he would be praying for me, and asked to pray right there.  All four of us joined hands and prayed; a moment I will never forget for the rest of my life.  A lot happens on Capitol Hill, even prayer in the midst of a crazy day.  Such a sweet, human moment acknowledging the Lord's power over this and I kept thinking of the verse where two or more are gathered.  What a kindness from the Lord!  I held it together the best I could, and fell apart emotionally as I walked out of his office and into the hallway.  God bless them for being there for me in one of my most darkest hours of life.  Kristine, one of my best friends, sat with me as I worked to get myself together and called the hospital back to ask more questions. She then forced me out of my office for the day, ha!  You see, Kristine is one of these talented, concise, and thorough communicators that when she has her mind set to getting something done with excellence, she does it.  So, she was set on sending me home, haha!  God love her for that because I couldn't think what was best for me to do in that moment.  Your brain is just fried and not thinking clearly.  

I nearly made it to four years of cancer free.  But today, today we identified the recent culprit.  An active cluster of malignant melanoma cells inside my body that is LITERALLY trying to kill me right now.  There is an active terrorist nesting in my left kidney trying to grow bigger and stronger by the day.  How terrifying is that.  So how are we going to try and stop it?  

Miraculously, there is a clinical trial at Johns Hopkins' Sidney Kimmel Cancer Center (which is where my treatment has been since 2013) and I qualify.  These trial is difficult to get into, and Hopkins only gives out 20 spots.  19 of them have been filled, there was only one left.  I get the very last spot, as though God had my name on it.  It's a cutting edge drug that has been having very positive results with very minimal side effects (massively different and less severe than the first chemo I did in 2013).  What I know right now is limited.  Then the oncology team will order another CT scan which will show us if the therapy is working (praying on my face that it works!).  This could very well make the tumor disappear entirely, and potentially any other harmful cancerous cells floating around.  It only takes ONE cancer cell to find some place in your body to attach and grow.  What if this treatment doesn't work?   

....then I go to a drug called Yervoy, which is a much stronger drug and FDA approved.  However, before we go with the tougher option, we're going to try this therapy first which has been having amazing results.  

Next step:  on Tuesday morning at 9 AM, I'm meeting with my oncologist at Johns Hopkins and the research nurse to sign my life away, again, and get all the info they need.  I could possibly start the IV therapy this as soon as Friday June 17 I believe.  

How you can pray:

*Pray the drugs I'll be taking shrink and kill the tumor and any surrounding cancer cells in my bloodstream

*Pray for me to fight fear as I'm really scared right now (to trust Him)

*Pray that I don't hold onto life too tightly, that I hold it with an open hand allowing God to use my life for His glory and just fully trust Him with everything

*Pray that I grow in my understanding of God's grace and working out my own salvation through this trial

*Pray for my friends, family, coworkers that are not committed to following Jesus to come to surrender their lives to Him fully and see how much Jesus loves them!

*Pray that I can love others well through this trial

*Pray that I hold fast to God and His truth in the coming months

To keep in mind, I'm still choosing NOT to be that public about this.  I will when the time is right, but for now, I'm limiting it to the group receiving this email.  So please don't forward this, blast it out, don't share it on social media, and keep it confidential.  I'm still trying to determine the best way to share this news. 

I'm grateful for each of you and your choice to love me through this. I know it's not easy, and people often aren't sure how to confront and deal with cancer - but I do encourage you to simply ask me.  You're welcome to email, call, or text encouragement or bible verses to me anytime - I always need it.  Undoubtedly, I'm so thankful for your patience and grace with me and willingness to bear my burdens with me.  You're all examples of God's sweet, everlasting love and grace.  As 1 Peter 4:8 says, Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  I certainly have a multitude of sins, and am beyond grateful and undeserving for your willingness to love me through them - and through this trial set before me.  

For the Christian, our suffering and trials produce a perseverance in Christ, a hope, a character, a deeper dependence on God, in which we able to be sanctified to look more like Him!  Praise God, our suffering indeed holds a deep purpose!  But for the non-Christian, what purpose does suffering and trials actually have?  Some may say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."  Sure, but then what?  Stronger for what?  There's no eternal purpose in being merely stronger for the sake of being "stronger" other than for ourselves.  But with Christ, our trials and suffering produce a change in heart that nothing - not even Satan - can take away from us.  

If you've made it this far in my midnight rambling out of a mix of delirium and dried tears, thank you!!!  I owe you a brownie and a high five!  :-)  

In His Grace,

Kristina