A Celebratory MRI

Here comes year three.  On September, 25, 2012, it will be three years since I was originally diagnosed with malignant melanoma.  A deadly, aggressive cancer for those of you just tuning in (I mean, I didn't know what it was even when I was told).  Though in number, three years doesn't seem like a long time ago, that day feels like a blur to me now.

I just had a round of check-ups consisting of CT scans, blood work, skin exams, the full round.  All came back "nothing concerning" (thankfully!) and I *finally* signed up for MyChart, after my oncologist asked me for like the ninth time.  MyChart is this online portal through the Johns Hopkins Hospital network where you can exchange messages with your doctors, see your results after they are posted, keep track of your progress, etc.  I guess that's better than carrying around my piles of medical history in a pink Vera Bradley shoulder bag!  However, it appears one test remains outstanding - the MRI.  I haven't had one since December 2012.  At the time, I think mine was ordered to ensure no cancer cells had skipped my lungs and went to my brain, which is the general progression of melanoma.  Also, they had wanted the test to assess restless leg syndrome possibilities by prescribing me with Mirapex, as it turns out chemo increases your chances for restless leg syndrome.

Anyways, this Thursday at 7:45 AM ET at Sibley Hospital, I will get my MRI.  Now, I'm not too concerned about results.  Sure, its been almost three years since I've had one, and I'm sure someone in my medical team somewhere will find that unnerving in some way.  But to be honest, the tube they stick you in is so darn small and if you are at all claustrophobic, it will drive you crazy.  It's the worst part.  Last time, the MRI was the test I was most nervous about because you are slid into this narrow spaceship-looking, LOUD machine for about 20-30 minutes.  The entire time, I repeated this verse:

But now, this is what the Lord says - he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. - Isaiah 43:1-2, NIV

(Of course, you are robed in none other than the riveting 'hospital gown' look, which is always in season around that place.)

That verse has been a comfort to me time and again.  What a promise!  Comfort takes on an entirely new meaning in an MRI.  I'm constantly remembering what Charles Spurgeon had said:

"When you go through a trial, the sovereignty of God is the pillow upon which you lay your head." - Spurgeon

It really IS such a comfort.  If God is not in control, what hope is there?  Thankfully, we can acknowledge that with God at the helm, our trials are for a purpose - a purpose far beyond what we can even fathom.  Without that hope, what are they for?  To "make us stronger?"  Ok, then what?  My hope is that through trials, I can take comfort knowing that my God can be trusted and it is my sincerest prayer that others can see that God can be trusted.  My hope is that by going through trial, it isn't wasted and that I could somehow have a deeper dependence on God Himself.  My hope is that trial, though painful, could help me learn how to love better and live my life more like Him.  We often have to get outside the box, stretch beyond our limited view of the tiny horizon we see.  God sees the entire horizon, He sees the summit, He sees the beginning and the end.  These trials serve a greater purpose than I can see.  It's in God's hands.

I'm thankful that over the last couple of weeks, I've been able to spend precious time with family and friends.  To me, this is really living.  It's funny how our definitions change over time as they weather life circumstances with us.  As you may remember, in the midst of chemo a couple years ago, I was getting somewhat stressed out every time I'd see another cancer video or commercial about young adults who were dying and would go out and buy their dream car, climb Mt. Everest (or some insane mountain), surf a 25 ft. wave, etc.  Who are these people?!  I was too sick! I physically couldn't do it.  Not even close.  Then my pastor told me a truth I would never forget, he said, "Kristina, you live for so much more than that."

As I sat in the chair in his office, the words sank straight into my heart.  Relief could be felt at my core, a proverbial elephant was lifted from my shoulders.  The pressure I was putting on myself to "really live it up" and what was beyond my physical means, was sliding away.  What a comfort!  Simply loving God, abiding in Him, this was living!  Loving others was the overflow, and a sincere privilege.  Focusing on what is eternal, what has eternal value, changed my perspective entirely.  I wasn't living for myself or for self-indulgence anymore.  My life was given to me by God, and loving Him with it is a sweet gift.  As I turn the corner into another year, I'm excited to see what God has in store - and Lord knows I need Him every step of the way.  Knowing and loving my God better, and learning how to love the people in my life even better awaits another year as long as God keeps giving them to me.  

Maybe Love Is Blind, Not Blond

It's been ages.....and wayyyyy overdue for an update.  Life has been running at full tilt, the type of full tilt where you don't even realize how spiritually dry you are and you are certain there are things in your life that are falling through the cracks (but you can't even remember what they are you're going so fast!).  So let this be my "take a moment and breathe" update.

Over the last few months, I've been racing around doing life and its so easy to become exhausted, forgetful, and half-hearted.  You begin to forget birthdays, emails, voicemail messages, fixing things that are broken, updating finances, and the list goes on.  Your list of "when I have more time, I will do XYZ..." gets longer and longer.  All of this, I can handle with some level of haphazard balancing act, BUT......the one vulnerability that plagues me is how this impacts those around me.  Often times, I think I'm going so fast (and probably what the enemy wants) that I cannot even survey how long its been since I've talked to this family member, or that friend.  I absolutely love the people in my life, and I'm a feeler....so I want to be there for every time that bubbles with laughter, every heartbreak, every milestone, every bad workday, every victory, every well cooked meal, every fun little idiosyncrasy that chimes in throughout the day.  It's sweet, it's the full breath of knowing and being known.  And I recognize, this is how I should live my relationship with God first and foremost.  I could be failing everyone, but if I'm failing Him, my cup runs dry to a point where I'm only running on my own flesh.

We all have sin in our lives, sure, and God knows that makes it so much more difficult at times to love each other well.  To truly, live out:

By this, everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. - John 13:35, NIV

....we need the love of God.  We need His love, vast as the ocean, to wash over us, to equip us, to make us whole, to redeem us, to change us, to well up in our hearts, to strengthen us, to bring us to Him - so we can be poured out to others.  God has a lot to say about love in scripture, and out of our own pride, we often spring to what we think we are not getting or how much we are giving as our eyes flow over His precious words.  It's our human reaction.  A struggle we may battle till God calls us home, how to love others well?  What does it mean to "love one another" so we may be known as His disciple?  What does it look like to be completely poured out, denying of self, so that He may be honored?   I'm inclined to think answers to these questions aren't simple, or maybe they are, but without a doubt - we need God's wisdom to do it for His glory.

Last weekend, I was on an airline flight across the country.  There were three seats in the row, and I sat near the window.  A young couple, maybe in their early to mid-20's, stopped to sit next to me.  The young woman, slender but not skinny, wearing jeans and a white fitted shirt.  She was wearing a backpack, and had beautiful brown hair in pig-tail braids.  She wore glasses, and as I looked down, I noticed she had a white cane guiding her steps.  She was blind.  Her boyfriend, a guy with an athletic build, wearing a windbreaker and khaki shorts, gingerly helped her get settled into her seat.  I was glued to watching this display of care and compassion.  Throughout the flight, they played a game on their tray tables, then chatted, and all the while he would take care of her by helping her put on a light jacket, then opening her small bag of pretzels, and neither of them never complained or looked annoyed.  It was so sweet.  Now, I don't know these people, I don't know if they love Jesus or what, but I was thankful that God allowed me to watch this selfless display of love and kindness right beside me.

This young woman couldn't see.  She couldn't see if her boyfriend was a handsome guy or if he had ten zits that day, she couldn't see if he had been working his biceps at the gym everyday or if he had gray hair, she couldn't see if he had ten scars or yellow teeth.  And he was incredibly taken by her, it was obvious.  To her credit, he was a very handsome guy.  She would rest her head against his shoulder, he would reach to hold her hand.  Then I knew, what she COULD see was this guy's heart, she could see how he cared for her, she could see his patience with her, she could see how he can be trusted, she could see his kindness and gentleness, she could see his selflessness and self-denial, she could see how he loved her, she could see how he truly valued her, and she could see that her ability to not see didn't stop him from being enamored with her affection.  I was absolutely fascinated.

I immediately thought to the classic verse:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV

I know so many times we read over that verse as most of us have read it a million times.  But to stop, and soak in each word, each implied meaning, to marinate in each trait of love....it's world changing.  It changes everyone's world, and everything about the world.  Sure, it may be a tall order, a tough description to strive for, but incredibly worth it.  What is a world without this type of love?  Simultaneously, it is a world without Jesus.  We can know this love by knowing His love for us.  We can live this out only through Him, and because of Him.  It's a beautiful display of His love shattering the small, meager worlds we often create for ourselves.  His is so much  better, it is of a love that promises SO much better.  I want to live out this love, I want to live out His love.  And Lord knows, I am incapable of doing that perfectly everyday.  I desperately need His love.  I desperately need His grace.  What we sign up for is no small task, to love in the way that others will know we are His disciples.  But an eternity of freedom in Christ, to experience this type of love forever, is completely and utterly worth it.

Disclaimer:  I'm blond.

I Was Lost At Sea....(Kind of)

I'm not joking.  Now, I know some of my friends have been waiting for this story to finally pop up on this blog, have a URL of its own, and to hit the internet.  Well, the day has arrived.  The following is a true story, maybe some minor embellishments, but wholly true nonetheless.

In June of 2014, my friend, we'll call her Reba, and I, flew down to the Florida Keys to visit my Dad who lives on Summerland Key, just above Key West.  I have a handful of family that lives in the Florida Keys, and I love going to visit them!  Bringing friends is added element of fun to getting to hang with my family, and of course participate in water sports.

We woke up on Saturday morning, put on swimsuits, cover ups, and hopped into the car to head down to Key West for lunch and to see my cousins (who are more like brothers to me).  We have a sandwich, a pina colada, and decide to stroll down Duval Street looking at the shops.  We visit my cousin Zak at the La Concha where he worked, then decided to get in on the watercraft fun by renting some jet skis down the street.  Reba recommended going for 30 minutes, but I immediately interrupted in this #YOLO moment by insisting on the full fledged 60 minutes per person.  Kindly, Reba was up for an hour of wielding "fun" on the open waterways of the Atlantic.  We slathered down in sunscreen, ditched our shoes and cover ups, put on a life jacket, and climbed aboard our sturdy jet skis.  My Dad decided to sit tight on land, though he is a major water sports enthusiast himself (a water skier, fisherman, surfer, snorkeler, boater, kayaker, he's got it covered!), he couldn't be convinced to join us this time.  A nice guide named Luke from England gave us some pointers on how to operate the jet skis, we circled the inlet and away we went.  Luke led us out to an open area beyond the intercoastal where there was open ocean.  Open water.  (Yea, you remember that movie right?  Don't ever see it, trust me.)

So, we jet around.  Reba was fearless.  Racing around up to 60+ mph, doing tight spins and turns.  I was gaining my bearings, a self-proclaimed adrenaline junky, I was revving up and plowing into wakes and waves.  We raced over to one area where the water was greener.  We stopped, basked in the sun for a few minutes chatting and looking at the sea life underneath our jet skis.  Then we decided we wanted to see more, and we darted over to where this island was located carried by the thought we could see more fish in shallow water.  There was a small inlet on one end of the island, we cruised the jet skis on through at a slow pace of 2 mph looking for fish.  I saw a fish or two.  Reba was cruising around, and I noticed the water was getting rather shallow.  I could only see brownish water to my right (I was facing the island at this point), and then the water was dark for as far as you could see out to the open ocean and past the channel.  My jet ski started beeping and smoking, it was overheated.  Then within seconds, Reba's did the same.  Gah!!!  Sea grass everywhere.  We floated past the island ever so incredibly slowly.  Reba was about 50 feet to my right at this point, both of us floating at the same pace.  I was about 40 feet or so from the island, which stayed in front of me.  It was WAY to shallow to fire up the jet skis and get out of there.

To this day, and I swear, and everyone gives me a hard time for this, I swear, I heard a Florida panther or something in that small island.  (I quickly recalled a story where my Dad had told me those things swim from island to island in the keys....or maybe that was deer, either way, I was convinced I heard it growling in there!)  So at this point, I start to panic.  There was no way I was getting out of there, and NO chance the sea grass would end.  I was convinced that if we could only get to deeper water, we could get the jet skis started again.  I confessed to Reba that I was......strongly concerned.  Ok, I was totally freaked out.  (I'm laughing at this now as I write it!)   I managed to float over to her, and we kept our jet skis together.  What does she do?   She snaps off her life jacket, tosses it on to the front of the jet ski and says, "well, I'm sure someone will be a long soon to rescue us.  I might as well not get any tan lines while we're out here!"  I kid you not!  Sunshine bathing beauty was calm as ever, meanwhile, I'm hyperventilating and near throwing up!  Both of us had no cell phone, the lady at the dock convinced me that they'd get wet and that we should leave them behind.  Terrible advice.  We had no food, no water, we were TOTALLY stuck.  And we were only TEN minutes into our jet ski rental.  You got it, at this point, I'm kicking myself for insisting on renting these dumb things for AN ENTIRE HOUR!!!  What on earth was I thinking?  There we sit.  Jet skis totally overheated, low tide rapidly approaching, in the shark infested waters of the Florida Keys, just waiting for rescue.

Time creeped on, seemed like eternity.  I was supposed to go to dinner that night with my cousins, my Dad and his wife Nancy.  Knowing my Dad was an experienced waterman, I was certain he'd find us before dark.  It was about 3:10 in the afternoon at this point.  No one knew where we were, how would they find us?  Growing up in Florida, I had heard so many times about people who got stranded and waved for help, never getting help because so many people come and go through the channels.  Were we going to just float out to sea?   Did we need to start swimming toward shore?  But there are loads of bull sharks, hammerhead sharks, and barracudas in these waters.  LOADS.  I'm a goner.  I tried flagging down boats strolling by, no luck.  I saw a boat out in the channel, I thought if we could float over to them, we could make it.  Then, the situation got worse.  Low tide struck, we hit the bottom and we stopped moving.  No more floating.  We weren't going anywhere.  The jet skis caught the low tide, and all the sea grass and sponge was super shallow.  We were completely out of control of the situation.  Reba was entirely calm through this entire ordeal so far, purely confident we'd be found.  I was not so confident.  I mean, I couldn't even Google "how to fix overheated jet ski" without an iPhone!  We were doomed.

I needed to pull it together.  Ok, I gave myself a pep talk.  I was going to get off the jet ski.  We were never going to make it to that boat in the distance if we weren't floating and at this point, it was 4:00 pm, our rental was over technically.  So I get down off the jet ski, I could care less about sharks at this point (though dusk is their feeding time), and I decided to drag this massive Yamaha over the sea grass and sand bar over to the deeper water channel.  Reba pleaded with me not to do it, said she'd stay there while I go get help.  I wasn't going to leave her out there!  So this turned into me being calm, and her having a meltdown.  So, minor detail, I had had major surgery about two weeks before this event.  I had about 40 sutures in my chest wall and all other sorts of trauma, I actually wasn't even supposed to be jet skiing.  BUT....water adventures got the best of my temptation.  So there I was, dragging this Yamaha jet ski across the ocean floor and then I decided to drag my friend on hers too.  Reba couldn't bring herself to get off her jet ski in fear of sharks, so I pleaded with her.  I actually said, "I AM BEGGING YOU!"  (which we find hilarious to this day!)  So that did it.  She got off her jet ski, into water that was crawling with sharks at feeding time.  It was nearing 4:30 pm.  Almost 90 minutes that we'd been lost at sea.  So as we're dragging our jet skis over to the channel (they still weren't starting up), I see a guy on a jet ski coming toward us.  I hop on the jet ski and start jumping up and down, waving my arms while yelling.  "HEY!!  OVER HERE!!"  The guy saw us and sped past us.  My heart sank.  He came back around staying in the channel.  He SAW US!!!  We were going home!!!!!!!!!!!  We were rescued!!!  We weren't going to be a sequel to Castaway afterall!!!

The guy was slightly unenthused, evidently this type of thing happens a lot.  He said, "ok ma'am, you need to reach under your jet ski and take out the sea grass."  I did that, hopped on, and it started just fine!  Reba's did the same.  As soon as we were started up, I looked at her, burst out laughing and gave her two thumbs up and said, "Mai Tais are on me!"  She laughed and said, "Bonded for life!"  We survived.  We were lost at sea, for 90 minutes.  While she was thinking of scenes from Unbroken, I was thinking of scenes from Open Water.  Two drastically different outcomes.  Ironically, almost the same exact thing happened to us the next day out at Sawyer Key on my Dad's boat.  It wouldn't start, engine failed.  His cell phone died, his radio died, and all we had were my two cell phones.  We called Tow Boat USA and made it out of there, alive, at dusk.

So, moral of the story is, just trust the Lord.  Half the time we worry about things that don't happen, we think the worst.  We catastrophize outcomes in our minds.  We freak out, panic, get anxious, but the Lord is sovereign.  Often times, we find ourselves in situations - like stranded on a jet ski in the middle of the ocean in shark infested waters - where He is literally all we have, and we find that He is all we need.  I'm still really glad He sent the rescue guy, and Tow Boat USA though!

This Thursday I have a oncological check up and a blood draw.  My four month check up, and I anticipate it will go smoothly.  Of course, prayers are always appreciated, and I'm thankful for each and every one.  

The Aftermath of a Second Chance

I haven't written in a long while, I know.  I'll save a more practical update for the end, but here goes my attempt for an entry.  These entries often end up like random color samples of paint splashed on a wall, and I pray it makes into some kind of art.

About six months ago or so, I watched a movie, did I mention this already?  I watched "A Fault In Our Stars" which is about young adults with cancer.  I don't know how to share this without ruining the movie, but long story short - the main character is dying, throughout the whole movie the viewers know this.  She goes to a support group full of young adults with cancer, they talk, some end up hanging out (because where else do you find immuno compromised people your age to relate to?), and she ends up dating one of the guys in the group who was recovering from a sarcoma.  The guy ends up finding out his cancer has returned in full force, and they have to process the dying part of life together as young people.  She writes his eulogy, and he passes.  Anyhow, I absolutely bawled watching this movie......even for like three hours after it was over.   That's how I knew something was wrong, I think.  At least I thought, but now, I question it.

Have I become softer?  And is this God's design, or do I just really need healing?  I was telling a friend who is recovering from cancer as well this week:

It has also shown me what a way I have to go in emotionally healing from such a trauma.  You just don't realize it in the midst of it all, the reality of addressing thoughts like, "well, this is what the doctor said, I know that it isn't good news and I haven't had good news for a while, but what's the next step?  Let's get on with it."  Seems like in the midst of it we just address the physicality and thankfully just trust God's sovereignty, but there's something surreal about letting words like "surgery" and "cancer" and "clinical trials" and "chemotherapy" and "hospital"  and "oncology" and "nuclear medicine" and "tumor" just fly by you with the speed of light.  We take it on as though it can't phase us, God is sovereign, and He is.  But after the words stop flying by for a while, after you peak your head up out of the trenches to survey the battle raging above you - you begin to realize the weight of the bombs disguised as words flying by you.  It's all a lot, and ones you'd never dreamed you'd hear.  Not now, not in this stage of life.  It takes time to heal.

Maybe, just maybe, cancer is a good thing that happened to me after all.  I've noticed I'm way more hesitant to judge, quicker to give grace;  by God's grace, I have more patience with people who don't understand;  I get less frustrated with others;  my heart hurts for those without jobs or being pushed out of jobs;  my heart hurts for people who have to put their life on hold because illness, divorce, loss, unemployment get in the way;  gossip hurts my heart way more than it used to with a stronger conviction;  my distaste for sin in general has grown;  my thirst for God's word and for prayer has only grown exponentially;  I want to celebrate life's moments more - new babies, engagements, marriages, birthdays, anniversaries, old friends, laughs, smiles, new homes, new recipes, etc.;  I just want my life to count, count for God first and foremost.  I don't know how people do it without Jesus.

Anyhow, so this is what I'm working on.  It's crazy to read about the recent loss of Kara Tippetts, and how she slipped out of this world and into eternity in the arms of an everlasting grace in such a beautiful way.  What's crazy and seemingly more traumatic is that I remember the inklings of those thoughts beginning for myself just a short 1.5 years ago.  A legitimate moment, at my mother's home while in bed (because I was too sick and too weak to be out and about for long) still on chemotherapy with two spots on my lungs, staring the grim statistics in the face.  In those moments, you have to give yourself the permission to go ahead and cry.  You're not victimizing yourself, you're not weak - it actually takes strength to accept the moment you're in, and just grieve.  Half the time you won't even know what you're grieving, I didn't in the moment, still don't half the time.  But it does bring me freedom to know that Jesus wept (John 11:35) too.

For some unknown reason, God gave me a second chance.  The time where I had to ponder, for real, where I had to look life in the face and actually ask the tough questions - at an age I never thought would occur.  What is REALLY important?  In fact, the girl in "A Fault In Our Stars" could have easily been me, or you, or anyone.  Like her, I had a good friend that I had met in oncology at the hospital.  Brandon was his name, I've written about him on here before.  He passed away last May, and I still can't believe he is gone.  Seems like not that long ago both of us were riding horses while on treatment and waiting for CT scans together.  He was only 33 years old.  Watching him have to mentally process the unthinkable, unfathomable, dying.....knowing you just won't get better.  For Kara, she would say:

"When you come to the end of yourself, that's when something else can begin."

"The only way we ever really die with dignity - is to have lived with dignity."

I could go on and on, but read her story.  You won't regret it.  Have Kleenex nearby.  All that to say, I don't know each day if I'm going to do things right, make mistakes (because I make way too many to count, seriously, especially these days), or how the day will end up.  God is sovereign, and I trust He uses all things for our good.  I can't control how people will treat me, but I can control how I treat them.  I can love them as best I can for God's glory (1 Corinthians 13), I can choose to be patient with them, be kind with them, I can decide to not be envious or prideful or condescending, I can decide not to be arrogant or rude, I can decide to not be self-seeking, I can decide to not be irritable or resentful, I can can decide to not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoice with the truth.  I can love them, with God's help, to bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things.  I can pray that God equips me with His unfailing love, so I can point people to a Love that never fails.

I'm incredibly blessed to have a number of friends and family who have weathered all of this with me, and it is a privilege to weather life with them.  A blessing God allows me to live out, and I never want to waste it.  God continues to refine me day by day, and I only hope that out of His grace, it is to be more like Him and to love more like Him.  Even if He had to use cancer, the end result is worth it and eternal.

27 Days of Thankfulness

Ok, I'm doing this.  Each day of November up until Thanksgiving Day, I'm going to write in this listicle below what I am thankful for....and it will be updated each day.  I know people usually do this on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or whatever online social media outlet there is, but if I think this may just be easier and drive my friends less crazy.

What I'm thankful for.....

1)  God's Creation. "Have you ever had a sense of peace when you witnessed majestic mountain peaks or ocean expanses?  If so, you bear testimony to how we are blessed when we encounter something bigger than ourselves.  Our own burdens seem a little lighter when we witness the awesome and the majestic.  Such bigness, of course, points to the Creator who is bigger than his creation.  Jonah is revealing to us the God who is bigger than we think, and that is just the medicine we need to take us out of ourselves." - Ed Welch.  This sums up how I think about appreciating God's creation; it reveals God's beauty, God's compassion, God's sovereignty, God's bigness, God's love, God's precision, and so much more.  It keeps me in awe of Him that He could create mountains and oceans of such incredible vast beauty.  Psalm 19:1.  His creation keeps me humble, and reminded of how small I am.  I'm thankful God takes the time to show off His glory, and create for His own pleasure.  And if you go to the beach or the mountains, take me with you!

2) My Family.  Without a doubt, my family has had a large sum of ups and downs over the last thirty something years.  But I've realized something, in light of this, for some reason, they still love me - and I do still very much love them.  There are family members that have close to zero in common with me, and we don't talk as often as we should or even see each other as often as we should.  But you only get one family that you are born into, and you certainly do not have to love anyone in the life if you don't want to (but hopefully you DO want to!).  And my family loves me, and I love them.  It's not always easy being so far away from them, sometimes I'm downright homesick.  But Christ does call us to love, and they will know we belong to God by how we love each other (John 13:35, NIV), and I do believe this starts with the some of the toughest areas which can be the ones closest to us - our family.  I'm incredibly thankful for them, everything they've taught me and how God has used them in my life.  So thankful.

3)  Modern Medicine.  Say what you will about vaccines, prescription drugs, surgeries, chemotherapy, and what not; it still won't change the fact that God used modern medicine to save my life.  In this journey, I've seen people who eat all organic, do yoga five times a day, do juicing, and use all organic products and STILL get cancer.  To be completely honest, I'm incredibly thankful that I live in a country that has the world's best doctors and top notch medical care.  Specifically, I'm so thankful for Johns Hopkins and the Comprehensive Cancer Center they have in Baltimore, MD - a quick 45 minute drive from my home.  Chemo isn't fun, drugs can definitely not be fun, needles hurt, surgeries aren't desirable but PRAISE the Lord that I have the ability to be seen by a doctor quickly, and get quality medical care.  I'm encouraged that the disciple Luke was in fact, a doctor, and so thankful that God uses modern medicine to cure us, help us, and restore us to strength for His glory.

4)  Sleep.  I once heard that koalas sleep anywhere from 16 to 20 hours a day, and I'm somewhat convinced this could be my spirit animal.  Joking!  Anyhow, I'm grateful for the hours we have in a day to rest, recharge, and sleep.  I'm often reminded that God actually created us to sleep 1/3 of our lives.  If rest was not important to Him, then He would not have made us this way.  Sleep keeps us humble, not dependent on our own strength.  And how much better do we function after a night's good sleep!  I'm so thankful God has called us to rest, and how rest glorifies Him and is considered holy.  I also saw a funny meme that once said, "If you love someone, let them sleep."  So true, ha!

5)  Heaters.  This is a new appreciation I have, given I grew up in a mix of Florida and Texas - two hot climates.  Living in DC and Missouri has made me appreciate heat so much more.  I currently have two space heaters in my room, and they are lovely.  Runners up in this category are also hot water, hot food, hot cocoa, heated tiles, heating pads, hot towels, hot stone massages, and hot dogs.  I'm so thankful for the heat I'm able to have - a comfort beyond measure, and my heartbreaks to think of those who have to sleep out in the cold - both human and pets.  I'm thankful I live in a city that offers shelter to those who do not have a warm place to lay their head at night.  I pray for the relief of the poor, and for those in need of warmth and friends can find it.  (Also if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? - Ecclesiastes 4:11)

6)  Good Roommates.  These people may choose to live with me, but they don't choose how I live, ha!  It's a joy to come home to a girl(s) who you may not have been best friends with when you moved in, but you can't imagine your life without them now.  I've had great roommates most of my life with a few rough patches here and there, but overall, each girl I've lived with has given me a sweet lasting friendship.  One's home is often viewed as their "safe place" or a sanctuary to shelter from life's tough times, to just come home to crawl into bed, read God's word, and rest.  No chaos.  No turmoil.  No distress.  No fighting.  No passive aggressiveness.  What an incredible gift to have good roommates.  I'm thankful to just plop down on the sofa in my pajamas with one of my roommates, and just do life together.

7)  Laughter.  I know, this may sound lame and cheesy, but I just love to laugh.  I love smiles, they are always worth so many words.  A smiling and laughing person is an incredibly magnetic and attractive quality.  If you're going to go through tough times in life, you might as well have someone in it who can make you laugh, make you smile.  I love funny movies, funny jokes, funny friends, being lighthearted, and just taking it in.  A former boss once told me when I asked for feedback, "Candidly, don't sweat the small stuff."  I was expecting something tough, but that made so much sense to me.  While life is short, it can have some long days.  And it's not worth getting worked up over little things of no eternal value.  Take a leap of faith, use 20 seconds of crazy courage to do something, laugh out loud, throw kindness around like confetti, give back, and just drink every drop of life you can.  I'm so thankful for laughter, and how it allows me to not take myself too seriously.

8)  Horses.  I love all animals pretty much, except snakes or rats.  Today I got to go on a trail ride in Clinton, Maryland with a sweet friend and loved every second.  There is just something so adorable about the nose of a horse, their warm breath checking out your hands for food, for kindness, for a friend.  So cute how they each have a personality.  When I was going through one of the toughest times of my life, I made myself go out to the barn and ride.  It was incredibly therapeutic, and an evidence of God's grace.  I'd forget about the storm I was in, and just hang out with an animal who trusts me to guide him/her around a field and over jumps.  I rode horses for over 14 years, and it always takes me back to an innocence of my childhood and a competitive spirit.  I'd remember why I started it in the first place:  I just loved the animal.  I loved the quiet of hearing them breath, the sound of their hooves hitting the ground, the way they'd get to know you.  An evidence of God's creation, they are powerful yet gentle;  sweet yet driven;  honest, protective, trusting yet opinionated at times.  I'm thankful for horses, for all God has used them to teach me - about myself and about Him.

9)  My church.  I could write for days on this, but trust me when I say there is nothing quite like having a church family.  These people are in a covenant commitment to do life with me, to love me, show me grace, give patience, hold me accountable, teach me, care for me, help me, share in my joys, share in my sorrows, pray for me, and so much more.  I only pray I can do half of that in service back to them.  I'm so thankful for my church, and how blessed I am to hear the gospel preached faithfully each Sunday.  God's grace overflows.

10)  God's Sovereignty.  I'm so thankful that no matter what comes our way each day, God is there and in control.  He is so sovereign, over all things and all circumstances.  Nothing we can do will thwart His plan (Job 42:2).  Incredibly grateful that I can rest knowing that God has orchestrated our steps, our tomorrows, and lovingly correcting us all the time.  We can't see tomorrow, but He can - and praise God He reigns as King.

11)  Veterans.  I live in a country where I can worship freely, say what I want, write what I want, go vote on election day, and carry a gun if I'd like to.  Without men and women who have served in our military, I would not be able to go to church, read a bible, or worship my Lord openly.  Praise God for freedom, and those willing to defend it.  So thankful for our veterans and their many sacrifices.

12)  Long Lasting Friends.  Without a doubt, I think this is something we often take for granted.  But long lasting friends are truly unique and incredible people in our lives.  Our family is always our family.  But man, long lasting friends are not our family and still CHOOSE to love us anyway despite seeing all our flaws, mistakes, trials, triumphs, sin, and joys over the years (I mean, our family does too!).  You may grow apart in certain ways, but you can always trust that the person loves you for you no matter how much you change.  The reality is, we'll never stay the same person - I hope!  I hope we continue to grow, become wiser, better, and more mature changing into what God wants us to be.  With change, the friends who stay with you are incredibly invaluable and cherished.  These people realize friendships are give/take, but there will be seasons where some are giving and some are taking more than others and give you grace anyway.  The people who have chosen to stick with me and do life with me, are beyond appreciated.  So thank you to those who are still there, love me beyond anything I can imagine, and show me grace every day beyond what I deserve!  So thankful for this blessing and gift!

13)  Mentors.  Mentors come in so many forms, whether it be life, the gospel, the workplace, sports, etc.  For me, I've been incredibly blessed to have mentors who care for me to invest in my life to see fruit of the gospel produced.  These women have selflessly given their time to read the bible with me, meet with me, listen to me, share truth with me, and just love me.  Also, I've had professional mentors, most of which are former bosses, who have taught me far beyond what I can imagine.  Their words have put my career in perspective, taught me how to balance, believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself, and pushed me to learn more - all of which have made me a more marketable and valuable professional today.  All of these mentors, have been a sweet evidence of God's grace, and I'm so thankful they have taken the time to teach me.  So so thankful for people who seek to be mentors!

Love More, Stress Less, Wear a Pony Tail

When I was a little girl, I used to love (most of the time) when my Mom would do my hair.  She'd brush it and put it in a nice pony tail, which would later become destroyed from wearing a horseback riding helmet or from playing outside or swimming.  The rubber band would always go three times around.  Fast forward 28 years later, and I never realized what a simple joy it would be to simply be able to put my hair in a pony tail again.  Three times around.  My hair has been growing steadily, and its thick enough to wrap the pony tail rubber band three times around again!  I know it's dumb, and maybe comes across as vain, but to me its a slight comfort - a mere sign that I'm getting back to my old self and moving further away from the trauma of the big C.

Last week marked two years since my diagnosis.  I know, everyone MUST be sick of hearing about all of this by now.  I know I am some times.  Truth is, there are still good days and bad days.  Bad days become much fewer, though still existent.  Today was one of those bad days, for example.  Costs to pay for everything gets high even with insurance (this month my medical expenses totaled over $1600), biopsies keep coming and going (I have one tomorrow at 8:30 AM), and you keep trying to process it all.  It really is ok, at the end of the day, God is still on the throne.

I've become more laid back.  At first I thought this was because I made my room more "beachy" but I've realized the things I'd normally get worked up about, are not a big deal anymore.  Everything we take for granted, I find myself doing less of that.  For example, some times I like to go on a long walk just because I can, or put my hair in a pony tail because I can, or read a book because I can and actually remember it now that I'm off chemo, or hang out with girlfriends every chance I get because I can now.  I want to spend time with people I love and care about more, and stress about job, health, finances less.  For example, when I was on chemo, I remember I'd physically see people dying.  Dying in their chemo bed, knowing this is their last shot at a medical miracle.  But you'd know it because you'd see family come in and sit with them.  The family would always hug their loved one and ask questions that you would ask if you hadn't seen someone in a long time.  The family was there paying their last visits, saying what they wanted to last say.  In the moment, of course I was sad.  But as I weathered the disease further, I found myself becoming sad, or even angry, at the thought of those families.  What I wanted to say, if I saw that scene again is, "where were you when they were living?!"  Why does it seem that we want to rush in during the final moments, the final days, the final hours to drop an emotional bomb of everything we wanted to say when we find out someone is leaving us?  We have them now!  Do we get so busy in our own lives, in our careers, in our day to day, that we forget each second is an absolute gift from God Himself?  Do we forget that we have NOW to love someone instead of putting it off until the Lord is calling them home?   Whatever is distracting us, or pulling us away from meeting the need for love or kindness in another human being (image bearer of God Himself), is it worth it?  I'm not sure, ya know?

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. - 1 John 4:12, NIV

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. - John 13:35, NIV

I know its difficult to hear or read without the sting of some conviction, even for myself.  But God has not called me to be a busy body, He has called me to love well for His glory.  I can only pray, that with His help, I can do that better than I did before I was sick.  One day we won't have these bodies, we won't have these jobs, we won't even have bank accounts, but we will have Jesus Christ and we can have each other.

Two years.  It seems like its been much longer than that.  No doubt, I was in the palm of the very hand of God for much of that time.  How do I know?  Because I look back at the time I was weathering it, on chemo and sick, and ask myself, how did I do that.......after realizing my own sinfulness and weaknesses.  God.  God carried me through.  Scripture says:

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. - Romans 8:26, NIV

Even the Holy Spirit Himself prays for us when we cannot.  That is a comfort, one among many many promises God has for us.

Tomorrow I go in for another biopsy.  I forget how desensitized I am to these by now, and how others are not.  It's the usual, wait ten days and get the results.  I had three biopsies two weeks ago.  One came back mild (aka nothing wrong), two were moderate (aka would be cancer in five years-ish).  The Lord has been so kind and gentle in dealing with me, and I'm more than thankful for the patience and grace of many who have cared for me along the way.

I pray that today you worry less, don't sweat the small stuff.  Somewhere, someone is wishing they were in your shoes - wishing they had your education, wishing they had your house, your ability to go running, your ability to have children, etc.  Sometimes it takes losing all of it to realize all we really have is Christ, and in Him we have all we can hope.

Grace Upon Grace Upon Grace

As an avid water sports girl and surfer, I've had the blessing of going to a beautiful place known as Hawaii a handful of times - including this past week.  The last time I was there, however, I had just finished a string of surgeries following a cancer diagnosis and was a month away from starting a grueling regimen of chemotherapy.  I remember sitting on the veranda of a hotel on Waikiki Beach staring out at the waves thinking, "What would my life be like in one year?  Would I still be alive two years from now?  Would I lose all my hair?  What would chemo do to me?  What will change?  I know my faith will be tested, but will I persevere?  Will people who do not walk with Jesus in my life come to love Him?"  My mind was full of questions, but I still had a resolve in trusting God for what was to come.

After the first day of the trip, my former boss and dear friend - Julie Stoll, texted me a verse that I will never forget.  She said she was reading Psalm 18:19 that morning and thought of me, which reads:

He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me. - Psalm 18:19, NIV

I read that Psalm over and over, and continued reading right through many of the Psalms as each verse leapt of the page and into my heart.  God is so utterly personal with us, it amazes me what He continuously wants to do with our lives despite our own sinfulness.  He is always rescuing us from ourselves, from our sin, and in the ultimate act of love He rescued us from a life apart from Him.  The closer I grow towards God, the more aware I become of my own sinfulness - and in turn, the more deeply thankful I become of His desire to rescue me, to give me far more unmerited grace than I could ever fathom.

This last week, I went down to the beach on a little grassy spot near the water to watch the last batch of diehard surfers catch their last few waves before dark and to have some quiet time with God.  I remembered Psalm 18:19 and couldn't help but reflect on where God had brought me from the last time I was in that same spot.  Candidly, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness.  Sheer and total thankfulness.  For everything, and for everything around me.  Every little thing had a sweet significance.  The thought of making any kind of complaint seemed entirely foreign and impossible (Philippians 2:14, NIV) in that very moment.  I mean, God's beauty and provision was all around, how could anyone complain?!

Every little thing in my life from the love I have from God, my sweet friends, my health, my job, my food, clean water, a place to sleep, a great place to live, my dear church, the ability to sit on that beach that night, and everything in between - it is all by God's grace from Himself.  Let me be clear, I am so undeserving of any of it, completely and totally unworthy.  I'm a sinner, I deserve the wrath of God.  BUT.....the Good News is, because God loved me and willingly gave His only Son by His grace, I'm able to live a life in relationship with the Creator of the universe.  Jesus Christ Himself conquered death.  I mean, wow.  Just wow.  The God who created the very beach that was in front of me, had the deepest love that could ever be recorded in history - for me, for you too.

I reflected back on so much of the bad days and good days over the last two years, and each day was an evidence of His grace.  There were certainly hard and difficult days, and I had become weaker, but by His grace, I'm here today in love with God more than ever.  I'm just so thankful, incredibly thankful.
Every little thing - the salt, the sand, the crystal blue water, the food, the people I'd meet, the crashing of the waves, the laughing, the sun, the rest, the gorgeous mountains around, the very bible I was holding,  my family, it is all an overwhelming evidence of God's grace.  I never want to miss a minute of simply thanking Him for loving me so much, for molding my heart into one of thankfulness before Him.  Complete contentment in seeing God's heart for me through His very word as the truth jumped off the pages.  He is such a good, gracious, and kindhearted God in every way.  Every trial we have, He truly uses for our good - to mold the human condition of our hearts.  For that, I'm immensely thankful.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. - James 1:17, NIV

I never want to waste a minute staring at my circumstances in a posture of complaining, if we do, we miss seeing His sweet grace in all the details around us.  We have so much to be thankful for, it is all by His grace.  Mind blown.  A dear friend of mine used to say that bitterness comes from unmet desires.  If we desire what God has placed before us, what He has given us - if we find our joy in Him, and not our circumstances, we can't help but be thankful.  As long as there is breath in our body there is hope.  Our hope in an unfailing God drives me to my knees in a heart of gratitude and worship, thank you God for having mercy and grace upon grace upon grace for me.

Thank you, Lord, for bring me into a spacious place - even when you didn't have to.  Thank you, Lord, for delighting in me and rescuing me.  Thank you, Lord, for your grace and patience on me even though I do not deserve it from a perfect and holy God as You.  Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to see your hand in even uncertain times and for giving me breath to live another day for your glory alone. Thank you, Lord, for being so trustworthy and for providing above and beyond what I need.