I Survived the First Day

It was a lot like the first day of grade school, though I'm sure that's not what my Mom was thinking.  I was trying to pick out just the right outfit.  I wanted to be comfortable, but not mis-matched (yes, I'm a girl!  Fighting cancer or not, plaid just doesn't go with stripes!).  I thought about putting on some make-up but remembered I had a full body tumor/skin exam after treatment and they'd just make me remove my make-up anyway.  I wasn't sure what to expect as far as what side effects I would experience, though I was familiar with many of them that could happen.  Would the people be nice?  Would I like my chemo/immuno room neighbors?  I put a bag together (thanks to Bloomberg News for supplying an awesome bag!) of my lap top, a couple books, my journal, my bible, crackers, a banana, water, iPod, and a National Geographic magazine to take with me.  My sweet friend Amy had made me an amazing care package, so I had added some items from her gift, so fun!

I walked up to the Cancer Institute, it was all very surreal.  I had heard about this day for a while now, the first day of treatment.  Still, I thought, "this is so weird....I'm 30 years old, how do I have cancer?"  It was more of a rhetorical question, but I'm still so incredibly thankful for God's kindness.  It's been on my heart to pray for peace a lot lately, so I've been meditating on John 14:27 a lot today:  Peace I leave you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  I was reminded that my life is but a vapor, a short time here to love as He loves and to bring Him glory.  My Mom and I prayed briefly in the waiting room, and I'm beginning to think that is pretty common to see.  Praise the Lord!

The nurse came over and put a few hospital bracelets on my wrist with barcodes, then I was escorted back to station 17 where I'd be spending my day.  It feels a bit like the first class cabin on a large airplane.  These huge seats recline, there are a number of beds for sick people, and everyone gets a curtain to have some privacy.  There is even a little cart with wheels that comes through the hallway handing out salads, sandwiches, and beverages at lunch time.  Thankfully my nurse admitted she was not a good "stick" (not good at getting needles in the appropriate vein for intravenous drugs), and so she had her fellow nurse, Theresa, do it.  However, the nurse blew out my first vein, so I'll have a black and blue mark for a while - but she got it on the second try.  (It's gotten to the point where I can point to the exact spots on my arm for the nurse to insert a needle)  She secured the peripheral IV which is to stay in my arm for 3-5 days, then they switch it out for a new one.  So as I type this, I have an IV tube taped to my arm!  An oncological dietician came by and gave me some information, then told me whenever I'm hungry, I need to eat.  I'm expected to lose my appetite as my neutrophil count drops (those are a type of white blood cell), and I need to eat anytime I feel any kind of hungry.  I'm also supposed to drink LOTS of fluids.

The nurse ran fluids in me for about 1-2 hours, then added the Intron A drug.  Within 10 minutes I started feeling the effects, how weird is that?!  I got a raging headache, then just sort of felt like I'd been hit by a bus.  Bright light seemed to make it worse, and I got a teeny bit nauseous.  I went down for my oncological dermatology exam afterwards, which seemed to go well.  Dr. Venna wants to do a follow-up in a month on one suspicious area, but no biopsies will be done while I'm on Intron A (since immunity will be low).

So, how am I doing now?  Well, I feel pretty crummy.  I came home and ate some mac n' cheese (white cheddar, yum!), then took a long nap.  I'll be back at the hospital again tomorrow morning at 9:30 am for the same treatment, minus the oncological dermatology exam.  I feel pretty tired, still fighting the headache even after taking some medication, a bit nauseous, and just achey.  It's crazy how such a small bag of drugs can be so powerful to the human body.

Seriously though, the way people have shown up in my life to "suffer with" me has been an incredible blessing.  I wish there was some big way I could just thank everyone.  Is there an airplane for hire so I can write it in the sky!?  God has not only revealed His goodness and kindness to me through people who are willing to selflessly serve me and care for me, even when I can't care for myself - but God has shown me how a level of empathy that He gives, that I have often failed to give to others in my life.  You see, it is easy to swoop in a person's life and do something big or say something awesome, and swoop back out.  On the flip side, when you never hear from these "quick care givers" again, it has a tendency to make the person receiving care like a charity case or a "social cause" or something related.  I have so done this on the mission field.  I've swooped in to care for orphans, refugees, and/or widows;  and swooped back out with a few written letters here and there, without major investment or commitment to "suffer with" these people that God calls me to love.  Out of repentance, I ask God to show me how to love better, love deeper, and love with more selflessness.  Loving others should be less about me and how I feel from it, and more about making the care recipient feel loved as a way to know God's love.  I believe I've had glimpses of this, with good intentions, but to truly give compassion and be invested in the lives of others is an action of love that I believe God is so serious about.  I'm so blessed to receive care and compassion from such amazing brothers and sisters in the Lord, as well as many friends and family.  I'm just so grateful for their example, and the amazing prayers lifted on my behalf.  Anyhow, God continues to mold my heart (as He does with all of us) into what He desires, and I've realized that God is even closer to us when He is pruning our lives for His glory.  Thankfully!

Side note:  if anyone plans on being a visitor or coming to treatment, avoid wearing any perfumes, smelly lotions, or any type of smell induced item (i.e. don't make a sandwich with fish or onions and bring it, I almost got in trouble for that! ha!).  Chemo/immuno patients have heightened sense of smell, so the smells often make them nauseous - myself included.  Weird I know, but just part of it I guess!

So thankfully for your prayers, compassion, support, GRACE, patience, care, and love!  Praying God blesses you richly, and draws you closer to Him as He does with me.