So the truth is, I've sat down to write this blog entry a few times, and have erased and edited over and over. I don't want this to sound like complaining, but in all honesty, I'm really so tired of having cancer. (There is more to life than symptoms and cancer drugs, than hospitals and needles) Ugh, I know, and in the grand scheme of life, cancer is really nothing in comparison to the sufferings of Christ. At some point, I will get on with my life - so why not now? Granted, my life will never be the same, but I have to know that God is at work (as He always is) to make something beautiful out of what we tend to think is tragic. I have a week of treatment left, and most likely a recovery week to follow to allow the drugs to leave my system (to regain my full appetite, strength, etc.).
I came home from treatment Friday, and felt too fatigued so I fell asleep for a few hours. Weathering treatment is just never fun. As suspected this past week brought many of the side effects similar with starting the drug in the first place. However, the oncologist only put me on 2/3 of the dose since my liver enzymes were still too high on Monday though they were close to being "normal" (they were at 73 and 42, and they need to be at 50 or lower). Prayerfully, my liver enzymes stay low by the time they run a blood test again on Monday. Wednesday night was the worst with fever, aches, shakes, pains, etc. Thankfully, the Lord graciously brought me through it, and with the help of kind friends. I've been absolutely awful at returning emails, phone calls, messages, etc. lately so if you fall into that category, I'm super sorry! It's not personal, I promise. I've been kind of exhausted, and was getting back to normal last weekend and then started treatment all over again on Tuesday.
I came home from treatment Friday, and felt too fatigued so I fell asleep for a few hours. Weathering treatment is just never fun. As suspected this past week brought many of the side effects similar with starting the drug in the first place. However, the oncologist only put me on 2/3 of the dose since my liver enzymes were still too high on Monday though they were close to being "normal" (they were at 73 and 42, and they need to be at 50 or lower). Prayerfully, my liver enzymes stay low by the time they run a blood test again on Monday. Wednesday night was the worst with fever, aches, shakes, pains, etc. Thankfully, the Lord graciously brought me through it, and with the help of kind friends. I've been absolutely awful at returning emails, phone calls, messages, etc. lately so if you fall into that category, I'm super sorry! It's not personal, I promise. I've been kind of exhausted, and was getting back to normal last weekend and then started treatment all over again on Tuesday.
My birthday is coming up, and I've even forgotten about it most of the time. I have no clue what I should do for it, ideas?!
The Lord has really been teaching me patience and hope in this season, which is probably super obvious - but it was less obvious to me, believe it or not. A friend of mine recently quoted this verse:
...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:31, NIV
I've read this verse before, and I've really struggled at knowing exactly what it means to put our hope in the Lord. How do I put my hope in something? I can hope for something to happen, but how do I put my hope in Someone? It had all been so confusing to me, and I can't even promise 100% that I have it all figured out (can anyone?). But what I can say is hope is an anchor, and my God is a gracious Giver of hope. Ironically, so much of my reading has been about hope, but completely unplanned to be about hope. In that, I believe God shows me more about Himself. To hope in Him, is to have a secure rock that will never be shaken.
I am hopeful. And I bow in patience to waiting for this storm to pass. But believe me, once this storm has passed, and the clear skies emerge, I will not forget those who have sat next to me in the trenches in the dark hours of night. It takes a selfless love, that only comes from a loving God, to weather these kinds of storms in a proverbial downpour when you have no idea if the storm will get worse or let up. And I believe that selfless love becomes even more evident when we don't give up and leave just because the storm is over. It has become so clear to me that we all do in fact, belong to each other. Overall, this entire experience - when it comes to others - I think has taught me how to love better, act out of compassion, know my limits (I can't 'save' everyone), and the most challenging - it has taught me how to simply receive blessing. It's not easy to let yourself be served by others, and I'm thankful for the humbling experience.
All the members do not have the same function, so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. - Romans 12:4-5, NKJV
For now, I have one more week to get through. Five more IVs and needles to endure, liver health permitting. Life goes on. When all of this is over, and aside from a relaxing beach vacation, I hope to have a nice glass of red wine and some Godiva dark chocolate.....finally! Here we go, week four!
The Lord has really been teaching me patience and hope in this season, which is probably super obvious - but it was less obvious to me, believe it or not. A friend of mine recently quoted this verse:
...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:31, NIV
I've read this verse before, and I've really struggled at knowing exactly what it means to put our hope in the Lord. How do I put my hope in something? I can hope for something to happen, but how do I put my hope in Someone? It had all been so confusing to me, and I can't even promise 100% that I have it all figured out (can anyone?). But what I can say is hope is an anchor, and my God is a gracious Giver of hope. Ironically, so much of my reading has been about hope, but completely unplanned to be about hope. In that, I believe God shows me more about Himself. To hope in Him, is to have a secure rock that will never be shaken.
I am hopeful. And I bow in patience to waiting for this storm to pass. But believe me, once this storm has passed, and the clear skies emerge, I will not forget those who have sat next to me in the trenches in the dark hours of night. It takes a selfless love, that only comes from a loving God, to weather these kinds of storms in a proverbial downpour when you have no idea if the storm will get worse or let up. And I believe that selfless love becomes even more evident when we don't give up and leave just because the storm is over. It has become so clear to me that we all do in fact, belong to each other. Overall, this entire experience - when it comes to others - I think has taught me how to love better, act out of compassion, know my limits (I can't 'save' everyone), and the most challenging - it has taught me how to simply receive blessing. It's not easy to let yourself be served by others, and I'm thankful for the humbling experience.
All the members do not have the same function, so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. - Romans 12:4-5, NKJV
For now, I have one more week to get through. Five more IVs and needles to endure, liver health permitting. Life goes on. When all of this is over, and aside from a relaxing beach vacation, I hope to have a nice glass of red wine and some Godiva dark chocolate.....finally! Here we go, week four!
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