We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. - 1 Thessalonians 2:8, NIV
You have become dear to me. That being said, you. You who pray for me, and who cares for me, I pray the gospel has reached you in some way. The pure unadulterated gospel. Not the "Snickers" candy bar version, but the actual meat and potatoes of the gospel (nothing against Snickers!). I say this because YOU are dear to me, and I gladly share my life with you here on this very blog. I pray for you, and for God's love to melt your heart as He has melted mine (and He continues to do so every day). With my road being such a wobbly one in this season, I know the Lord's promise is to always make our paths straight. In the same vein (no pun intended!), God has been showing me the value in living out loud. I wish I could write the numerous ways I have observed this, but it would possibly be the longest blog ever written. So if you see me, or please feel to ask me, and I'd be happy to share with you backstories of how God is revealing Himself in the most unexpected places. I've asked Him to help me be a better example of His, and to share His love and gospel better - and He IS answering this prayer in so many incredible, unpredictable ways.
There is a saying, "There are no atheists in foxholes." I have no idea who said it, but my guess is it was a military guy, maybe WWII time period. You might also say, "There are no atheists in MRI tubes" either. If you've ever had an MRI, specifically on your brain, you may know what I'm talking about. You wear this super stylish hospital gown (slightly different print than the ones in the Operating Room), lock your belongings in a little gym locker, and they take you into this room with a door on it that looks like a big freezer door with "Danger" signs all over it (super comforting!). You lie down on this table, they bring you a blanket and a buzzer to squeeze in case you need something, they give you ear plugs (cause it is super loud in there!), and they lock your face into this plastic/hard foam cradle. They slide you in there, and it's a rather thin tube, so the roof is super close your face. People with claustrophobia don't stand a chance. Even I got rather anxious, and I prayed for the entire 30 minutes. You are alone. In such a tiny, close quartered space, and you are not permitted to move. The machine makes loud noises, shakes, and buzzes. After the first 30 minutes, they slid me out and injected me with contrast dye, then slid me back in for another 10 minutes. However, I heard God's calming voice, and heard these words:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;" - Isaiah 43:1b-3a, NIV
God was with me, He is my true comfort, my Father, and my best friend. I've held to this truth so firmly, and even more so lately as I prepare for treatment and simply weathering the emotional toll this road often takes. At times I feel alone. You learn that some people who said they wanted to be there for you, just aren't. And you learn that some people who offered to be an ear to listen or would help with anything needed, didn't really mean it, they were just being nice. The people that have normally been a 'safe place' for you, find it is too emotionally overwhelming for them to walk through cancer with you. Sure, it could be disappointing, but I'm learning that instead, God often graciously raises up others in their place to be His hands and feet. And even more importantly, God grows my dependence on Him that much more. God never disappoints us, His grace through us allows others to be off the hook. He is big enough to even heal any of the hurts. This is not a lament or even a complaint, but a praise for God being so kind and so sovereign to consistently show His comfort to His lambs. He promises to meet our needs, and I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am for the care of His hands and His heart that draws near to mine. God often "hugs" us through the most unexpected circumstances, at the most unexpected times, through the most unexpected people - and it's glorious! Only He could plan it! I'm so grateful for each little ounce of compassion God has displayed through people as His hands and feet, each minute has such a heartfelt expression of God's love to me - and you. He displays His character through everything He does, God is so caring!
Most of the time, I use two bibles. Both are NIV, however one is on my night stand and I've had it since the year before I got saved in college (gosh has that thing seen some ups and downs!), and the other is a thin line black and pink bible I got to take on mission trips about four or five years ago. The thin line bible is hanging on for dear life, haha! My point is, I've grown so accustomed to using the thin line bible (which probably takes a beating while riding around in my purse everywhere) that I don't pick up the college bible as much, so it looks a little more well loved, ha! Today I observed, I've been reading God's word ALL the time lately, probably since September. I could read God's word for hours and hours, over and over. His scriptures bring so much life to my heart every time, I can barely describe it.
I know it is this same thin line bible that will be sitting on my lap in the chemotherapy room at the Cancer Institute next month, and God will be using it to draw me closer to Him. As of Tuesday, I'm officially beginning treatment on January 7th. I signed the papers, which was a surreal experience. You read things like, "I understand treatment can be life threatening and even fatal." Side effects are nausea, vomiting, chills, fever, muscle aches, depression, hair loss, hair thinning, loss of appetite, metal taste in mouth, dehydration, insomnia, and heart palpitations. When reading over the papers, there definitely is a surreal thought in my mind of, "Am I really signing this? Did I ever in a thousand years think I'd be signing a document with the words 'chemotherapy' on it? Especially at this age?" The good news is, as of right now, there is no direct evidence that Intron A or half-dose Interferon will impact my fertility - now, and long-term. Furthermore, my BRAF genetic results were negative two months ago, which means I can't even pass on cancerous genes to my kids! (should I ever have any, ha!) Praise God! Pic below:
As far as the nuts and bolts of treatment, it's five days a week for four weeks. They are giving me a peripheral IV which will stay in my arm for 4-5 days, then replaced. I may have a pic-line ordered, as I've heard that might as well be easier. For the first 2-3 hours of treatment, they will give me fluid IVs and then the actual drugs only take 30-60 minutes to administer. They said I must have someone drive me to and from treatment because I will be too fatigued to do any driving. The oncologist told me to stock up on Alleve (so if anyone is looking for any last minute gift ideas, haha, just send over some bottles of Alleve!) since I will be using it a lot for aches and fever throughout the month. The doctor already gave me the prescription for nausea medicine. My shelf at home looks like a CVS!
As far as prayer requests, please pray for my strength - physical, emotional and spiritual. Pray that God will continue to give me strength needed, and to learn to rest when He needs me to rest. Please pray that while I may be weak, pray that God will use me for His glory. As I know God often uses the weak to display His strength, because it is then that the weak cannot rely on their own strength, but desperately need His! Pray that God will simply use me for His glory, that He will open my ears to hear His voice and open my eyes so I can see Him at work. Please pray for my friends, family, and church family who will be caring for me and depending on during this season of time. Pray that God will lift them up, encourage them, and fill them up for His glory. Please ask for there to be just a fruitful flow of ministry between everyone around me, and that patience, humility, and grace be plentiful throughout. I only want God's glory!
I'm not perfect, nor is anyone perfect. None of us are good enough for God's kingdom, but because of God's perfect and sufficient grace - somehow He wants to use us, to display His glory. How amazing is that?! Thankfully God doesn't wait our whole lives for us to become perfect, He just loves us as we are and loves us so much that He molds us into His likeness. When I think about living this out, I immediately recognize how I can live out God's grace with others. I can free people of my own expectations, and just love them. No one will always say the perfect thing, no one will always be perfectly spiritual, no one will be any kind of perfect; but because of His grace, we can give others grace - just as I will need grace from others, and I'll need to give grace to others (now and probably always, haha, not just because of cancer!). We're all a beautiful mess, and thankfully we can choose to give grace in love to each other just as God chooses to do so with us. SUCH a powerful act of love from such a loving Father!
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