It's Just Hair

I sat at a table with my friend Bryan surrounded by 20 orphans making prayer journals one sunny afternoon  in Kampong Thom, Cambodia.  "So what's your favorite bible verse?" I asked a couple of the girls, as we cut out figures of construction paper to glue on the cover of composition notebooks we purchased at the dollar store. "John 10:10....it says Jesus gave me life...." (The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:10, NIV) That seemed somewhat of a deep answer to me for a 16 year old girl with no family in rural Cambodia. I wanted to hear more, so I asked her some questions about herself.  Her name was Srey Mom, and she had high aspirations to be a doctor.  The other girls listened intently and shared their dream occupations, and hopes for their future. Then she dropped one of the biggest questions I've ever heard in my life...

"So why do you believe in God?" I looked at Bryan, who is a theological genius and PhD graduate from a top seminary.  I struggled for an answer, in fact, I'm not even sure what was said after that.  My mind spun in pure shock how I could have overlooked such an important question to my personal faith.  I couldn't give some Sunday school answer, she was being authentic with me and I wanted to be real with her.  I asked how we could pray for her, and she went on to say she wanted prayers for her studies; to learn English; and wanted prayers for the very family that had abandoned her and for them to come to know Jesus.  I was stunned.  If an amoeba has a feeling, that must have been what it was.  I felt unworthy and incapable to help such a sweet soul.  Before our missions team went to bed, we met for a devotional time.  Bryan told our group about Srey Mom's question, and said he had thought long and hard about it, having prayed about it.  He said, "....it's because I have no where else to go." It made so much sense.  You could have everything - the perfect house, loads of money, the perfect job, the perfect spouse, and it will not satisfy you over time.  It takes sweet brokenness for many of us to get there, and to realize we ALL have no where else to go but the arms of Jesus.  All that to say, I'm consistently reminded that life is but a vapor, and I have no where else to go but the arms of Jesus.

[As a side note:  That was 2008, and Srey Mom is now 20 years old and is at student in medical school in the capitol city of Phnom Penh, Cambodia.  She prays for her family everyday, asks for the Lord help in her studies, and still writes to me on occasion.]

As I prepare to walk through what is expected to be the most challenging part of this diagnosis, I know there will be good days and bad days.  I know there will be tough moments, frustrating moments, emotional moments, scary moments; there will be moments when I just want to give up because it is all so exhausting and overwhelming; there will be moments when I'm sure I feel like no one understands, and I feel lonely.  Christians are not stoics, and christian stoicism is not a fruit of spiritual maturity - in fact, I'd state that it is the opposite, christian stoicism is a fruit of immaturity.  As Christians, I'm led to believe (and with wise counsel) that we do not stop feeling the more we grow in Christ.  We will still weather a number of emotions and feelings, it does not mean we do not trust the Lord.  King David provides an outstanding example of this in the Psalms.  He was extremely candid and authentic with God about how he was feeling, laying his heart before the Lord in some of the most painful circumstances.  I know I'll pass through a series of thoughts and emotions, but in the midst, I don't want to miss ALL of the good God chooses to bring out what may be horrific.  I don't want to focus so much on my own suffering that I can't see God's kindness and goodness.  I'd miss seeing how people care for me and desire to be the hands and feet of the Lord;  I'd miss out on seeing love in action, as a verb and not because people feel like it;  I'd miss out on seeing it all as an opportunity to bring Him glory;  I'd miss out on seeing the beauty of unexpected blessings;  and I'd just miss out on so much more.

Today I saw my neurologist (I think I have two of those), and they are running an MRI on Thursday as a precaution.  They read my PET/CT results from October which shows no metastasis beyond stage three, but they want an MRI to verify there is no cancer in my brain.  They said they have no reason to believe it is there, but just want to be sure with the MRI.  Fair enough.  The doctors also ordered another round of blood work for me today explaining that the labs done within the last month were not current enough, so I got stuck for more tubes of blood today. (PS - this whole experience REALLY makes me appreciate nurses....great nurses make a MASSIVE difference!) When the labs come back, that will tell them what type of medication to give me for the nerve issues and leg pain I've been having since surgery.  The pain isn't unbearable, just uncomfortable when I sleep at night.  It's not a heavy hitting drug they said, but one that will address the issues.

Afterwards, I walked over to Patient Services at the Cancer Institute (right next door) to drop off two books I borrowed from their library last month.  The ladies said, "so how's your Mom feeling?" and I looked at her, kind of laughed, and said, "Do you mean the patient?  I'm the patient." And they said, "What?!  You're so young! Oh my gosh, well honey if there is anything you need, let us know!" And I assured them I'd be there everyday starting in January, so they'd see me again. As I walked away, I heard them saying to each other, "She has such pretty hair!"  And I had to take a deep breath.  In three or four months, I might not have any hair, and if I do, it may be really thin and brittle.  I was talking to my friend Julie afterwards (Julie lost her hair twice in two battles with leukemia) and it's so interesting, to us as women, hair can be such a comfort.  When you are physically feeling at your worst, it's therapeutic to have your hair done and just feel girly.  My Mom used to tie my hair up in ribbons and bows when I was a kid;  I've thought about how I'd want to wear it in a wedding someday;  I often coordinate outfits around the color it happens to be during the season;  and when babysitting little girls, they love to play with it.  I started thinking about this, and found comfort in this verse:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.  For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. - 1 Peter 3:3-5, NIV

It's just hair.  It can grow back.  My hair isn't what makes me - or any other God fearing woman - beautiful in this world.  My prayer is that anyone who would find me beautiful would see my heart for Christ as the source of any beauty, but ultimately finding beauty in the King Himself who happens to live in my heart.  He made me, all of me, and all of you.  I can only be beautiful because of who He is, and radiating His character.  Another favorite woman I aspire to follow in the bible is the woman of Proverbs 31, and having studied this chapter most of my Christian life - no where in the chapter does it speak of her own physical appearance (other than in verse 22, it tells us she wears purple!).  The closest it comes to speaking of her physical beauty is this amazing (and favorite) verse:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. - Proverbs 31:30, NIV

It doesn't say she is blond, brunette, or redheaded.  It doesn't tell us if she is a size 2 or a size 12.  It doesn't even tell us if she is tan, pale, or African American.  It doesn't tell us if this girl makes it to the nail salon once every two weeks or even if she wears name brand make-up.  But we can take a good glimpse of her heart throughout the entire passage, and clearly her husband is respected (Proverbs 31:23) by many due to her noble character (Proverbs 31:10).  The passage also tells us this woman is worth far more than rubies (which of the time, was worth more than any other precious stone), and not a speck of it is because she has great hair.  I could go on for days about women in the bible, I love to study them.  At the end of the day, it's just hair.  It's not eternal, it doesn't come with me into God's Kingdom when God calls me home.  I may not even lose any of my hair, we just don't know as of yet how tough the side effects may be.  But, I'm so grateful for what God can teach me through this time about Himself, and about His eternal beauty - and where it comes from.  My hope is in Him, and so is my heart and anything else about me.

Tomorrow is another day at the hospital, when I sit down with my oncologist and go over all the paperwork for treatment.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Please pray for this meeting and this appointment to be used for God's glory, and for God to stomp out any fears before they start.  It is always a lot of information, and I pray it all goes smoothly.  I'll learn more about side effects, the drugs, how it will all impact my life moving forward, etc.  SO grateful for your prayers, and for your willingness to let God use you!