So I have a confession to make, I'm trying to write my blog entries earlier than 11pm - and so far I'm failing miserably! It just always seems easiest to write out the inner workings of my mind late at night. Those who know me can tell you that I'm a verbal processor, and you who chooses to read this - receives a mere snapshot of the internal mish mash churning through my head painted out on to my personal blog. Half the time these blogs help ME understand what I'm weathering - with cancer and with God, however I do pray consistently for each word to be submitted for God's glory having an eternal purpose.
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. - Ephesians 6:19-20, NIV
As for a medical update, I've spent a good deal of time on the phone trying to get a neurology consult which was ordered by my.....um, well I'm not sure what kind of doctor he is, but Dr. W is overseeing my rehabilitation and he referred me to a neurologist for a consult on leg pain and nerve issues. It's quite interesting, a lot of the folks who seem to work the desks at these places appear to become so desensitized to dealing with sick people. I ask for no special treatment of course, but I watch and hear them (not judging, just observing) in helping people get their appointments and direct them where they need to go. Half the time it feels like the twilight zone because you meet with a doctor, they drop some bad news on you (like a personal Hiroshima disaster) with no warning and they don't skip a beat, they just keep on talking. And you think, "wait, I think that was a big deal, right? Did they just say....? No, can't be that, they would have made a bigger deal out of it....but really? They did say......" Then you go on your way, and most of the time the scheduling people go about their job like clock work - get you in and out, no questions asked. Just another patient, part of the procedure. I will say, not everyone is like that - but that's certainly how I felt today trying to get the neurology appointment.
A friend of mine compared it to a wedding once.....hilarious, I know! (I was so not offended by this, just thought it was funny!) You see, for the bride, it's her first and only wedding. She needs a venue on a specific day. They can't/won't give it to her. So she says, "....but this is the day I need! But I'm getting married! This is my wedding!" But alas, the scheduler will not compromise. It's like a doctor's appointment. "I need to see the neurologist before January 7." And the scheduler says, "I'm sorry ma'am, we're booked through February. You'll have to find another doctor or get your referral doctor to make a personal call, then we might be able to double book you with another patient." Then for me, "....but I start treatment on January 7, I've already been in pain and discomfort, I can't wait until February. What do I do?" Alas, another opportunity for patience and practicing contentment.
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe. - Philippians 2:14-15, NIV
Nonetheless, I sign the official papers at 1pm on December 18 to proceed with treatment. It appears I will be taking off of work the month of January, which was strongly recommended by my oncologist and my boss agrees that it would be the best course of action. I love what I do and love the people I work with, so that will be tough, but I know it will take a lot of pressure off of everyone and I can focus on getting well. My friend Sara has set up a spreadsheet of people to take me to treatment each day for four weeks, since I have to be at the Cancer Institute everyday. I know not everyone is super comfortable being around cancer patients, so if people don't want to step in and help out, I totally understand. It can be a lot to take in, and can be overwhelming for people, often at times it is a lot for anyone to process. It's a packed room at the Infusion Center in the Cancer Institute, and we're only allowed one visitor to come with us while we sit in a hospital bed being pumped full of drugs via an IV. Some people get bored, so they recommend bringing a book, an iPod, games, magazines, etc. All the patients have compromised immunity, myself included (which is expected to worsen once the treatment starts), and so visitors cannot be feeling sick (no cough, no cold, no fever, no sniffles, etc.). However, I do believe this is an environment primed and ripe for the loving gospel of Jesus Christ.
While I'm there, please pray for God to use me as a light. Pray for God to use me (and maybe visitors too!) as His hands and feet, to be loving and compassionate examples of God's kindness. Specifically this verse for my life:
Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. - Matthew 5:15-16, NIV
A diagnosis, or any life changing event can often get a person thinking about the 30,000 foot view of their life. I haven't had too much of this, though lately as I've been reading through Psalms and the book of Hosea - I've been taking a step back and looking at the big picture of my life before God. To be honest, I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else right now. I know God has me in Washington, DC for a purpose, even at the very hospital I'm at, and especially He has me at Capitol Hill Baptist for a purpose. Anyone that knows me, knows I absolutely LOVE the state of Texas (I've had family living and buried there for some 60 years). I miss it all the time. But I've always known I'd end up living and working here in DC, and certainly not because of politics. I wouldn't even really consider myself a political person. It's like I've had this love/hate relationship with Washington, DC. I left like a stressed out and hurt girlfriend of Washington, DC in 2006, knowing God would most likely bring me back here again someday for His glory. And He did just that. I'm not sure we can ever know every step of what God has ahead for us, I'm pretty sure we can't. Why? Because we wouldn't need faith, we have to trust Him - and that means not knowing what tomorrow will hold for us. I can't say I'll stay in Washington, DC forever, who knows, none of us can even really say we'll wake up tomorrow, but I do know God holds our future.
I've come to recognize more clearly that we only get one life. Just one. But I don't believe living life under extreme pressure that you can make a "wrong" decision is any way to please God either. He is on the throne, not us, thankfully. We can spend most of our lives overanalyzing, overthinking, overstressing about the non-eternal decisions we make, only to find the unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves to make decisions becomes too great, so we make NO decisions at all. If our heart is for Him, we can trust that He provides His wisdom should we ask for it. I can live in Texas or I can live in Washington, DC - neither one would be sinning, of course, but I do have the choice. Today, my choice is to serve God here in Washington, DC with everything He has given me, including cancer, and hope He uses it where ever He wants to - including Texas, or where ever. Our stories are not contained by physical boundaries, as His glory can never be contained by human perimeters. We have the opportunity to deny ourselves and stand in the gap for those who need His love most. We can allow His love to move us into action, to jump in head first and not let our brothers and sisters go down without a fight, without a love that fights, without a love that fights for them.
Anyhow, I'll sign off now, after unloading another midnight blog of my ever so limited mind. My favorite quote today was one I read from a former elder of my church:
"People are people, not projects. Make sure your motive in evangelism and discipleship is love." -- Garret Kell, Pastor of Del Ray Baptist Church
So thankful for your prayers! Praying for you - who reads this!
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. - Ephesians 6:19-20, NIV
As for a medical update, I've spent a good deal of time on the phone trying to get a neurology consult which was ordered by my.....um, well I'm not sure what kind of doctor he is, but Dr. W is overseeing my rehabilitation and he referred me to a neurologist for a consult on leg pain and nerve issues. It's quite interesting, a lot of the folks who seem to work the desks at these places appear to become so desensitized to dealing with sick people. I ask for no special treatment of course, but I watch and hear them (not judging, just observing) in helping people get their appointments and direct them where they need to go. Half the time it feels like the twilight zone because you meet with a doctor, they drop some bad news on you (like a personal Hiroshima disaster) with no warning and they don't skip a beat, they just keep on talking. And you think, "wait, I think that was a big deal, right? Did they just say....? No, can't be that, they would have made a bigger deal out of it....but really? They did say......" Then you go on your way, and most of the time the scheduling people go about their job like clock work - get you in and out, no questions asked. Just another patient, part of the procedure. I will say, not everyone is like that - but that's certainly how I felt today trying to get the neurology appointment.
A friend of mine compared it to a wedding once.....hilarious, I know! (I was so not offended by this, just thought it was funny!) You see, for the bride, it's her first and only wedding. She needs a venue on a specific day. They can't/won't give it to her. So she says, "....but this is the day I need! But I'm getting married! This is my wedding!" But alas, the scheduler will not compromise. It's like a doctor's appointment. "I need to see the neurologist before January 7." And the scheduler says, "I'm sorry ma'am, we're booked through February. You'll have to find another doctor or get your referral doctor to make a personal call, then we might be able to double book you with another patient." Then for me, "....but I start treatment on January 7, I've already been in pain and discomfort, I can't wait until February. What do I do?" Alas, another opportunity for patience and practicing contentment.
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe. - Philippians 2:14-15, NIV
Nonetheless, I sign the official papers at 1pm on December 18 to proceed with treatment. It appears I will be taking off of work the month of January, which was strongly recommended by my oncologist and my boss agrees that it would be the best course of action. I love what I do and love the people I work with, so that will be tough, but I know it will take a lot of pressure off of everyone and I can focus on getting well. My friend Sara has set up a spreadsheet of people to take me to treatment each day for four weeks, since I have to be at the Cancer Institute everyday. I know not everyone is super comfortable being around cancer patients, so if people don't want to step in and help out, I totally understand. It can be a lot to take in, and can be overwhelming for people, often at times it is a lot for anyone to process. It's a packed room at the Infusion Center in the Cancer Institute, and we're only allowed one visitor to come with us while we sit in a hospital bed being pumped full of drugs via an IV. Some people get bored, so they recommend bringing a book, an iPod, games, magazines, etc. All the patients have compromised immunity, myself included (which is expected to worsen once the treatment starts), and so visitors cannot be feeling sick (no cough, no cold, no fever, no sniffles, etc.). However, I do believe this is an environment primed and ripe for the loving gospel of Jesus Christ.
While I'm there, please pray for God to use me as a light. Pray for God to use me (and maybe visitors too!) as His hands and feet, to be loving and compassionate examples of God's kindness. Specifically this verse for my life:
Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. - Matthew 5:15-16, NIV
A diagnosis, or any life changing event can often get a person thinking about the 30,000 foot view of their life. I haven't had too much of this, though lately as I've been reading through Psalms and the book of Hosea - I've been taking a step back and looking at the big picture of my life before God. To be honest, I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else right now. I know God has me in Washington, DC for a purpose, even at the very hospital I'm at, and especially He has me at Capitol Hill Baptist for a purpose. Anyone that knows me, knows I absolutely LOVE the state of Texas (I've had family living and buried there for some 60 years). I miss it all the time. But I've always known I'd end up living and working here in DC, and certainly not because of politics. I wouldn't even really consider myself a political person. It's like I've had this love/hate relationship with Washington, DC. I left like a stressed out and hurt girlfriend of Washington, DC in 2006, knowing God would most likely bring me back here again someday for His glory. And He did just that. I'm not sure we can ever know every step of what God has ahead for us, I'm pretty sure we can't. Why? Because we wouldn't need faith, we have to trust Him - and that means not knowing what tomorrow will hold for us. I can't say I'll stay in Washington, DC forever, who knows, none of us can even really say we'll wake up tomorrow, but I do know God holds our future.
I've come to recognize more clearly that we only get one life. Just one. But I don't believe living life under extreme pressure that you can make a "wrong" decision is any way to please God either. He is on the throne, not us, thankfully. We can spend most of our lives overanalyzing, overthinking, overstressing about the non-eternal decisions we make, only to find the unnecessary pressure we put on ourselves to make decisions becomes too great, so we make NO decisions at all. If our heart is for Him, we can trust that He provides His wisdom should we ask for it. I can live in Texas or I can live in Washington, DC - neither one would be sinning, of course, but I do have the choice. Today, my choice is to serve God here in Washington, DC with everything He has given me, including cancer, and hope He uses it where ever He wants to - including Texas, or where ever. Our stories are not contained by physical boundaries, as His glory can never be contained by human perimeters. We have the opportunity to deny ourselves and stand in the gap for those who need His love most. We can allow His love to move us into action, to jump in head first and not let our brothers and sisters go down without a fight, without a love that fights, without a love that fights for them.
Anyhow, I'll sign off now, after unloading another midnight blog of my ever so limited mind. My favorite quote today was one I read from a former elder of my church:
"People are people, not projects. Make sure your motive in evangelism and discipleship is love." -- Garret Kell, Pastor of Del Ray Baptist Church
So thankful for your prayers! Praying for you - who reads this!
No comments:
Post a Comment