Ironically, we are weathering a storm here in Washington, DC. Hurricane Sandy is making landfall as we speak, with loads of wind and rain pelting the windows and the entire city is shutdown. Perhaps we're all weathering some kind of storm, but the good news is that no storm lasts a lifetime. Jesus sometimes calms the storm, or sometimes He let's the storm rage and calms His child. I've often thought about how this whole new journey must be for my parents, for my close friends, for my co-workers. How did it all start? How did we get here?
There are plenty of different opinions about this, and I'm certainly no doctor - (and if you are one, pleas feel free to chime in!) but I've been hearing lately as to how steroids can knock your immunity down and make the human body more of a prime target for developing tumors. (I've also heard about this on my online cancer support network, more on that later) Back in February, a girlfriend and I went to Ireland for my 30th birthday and I wound up getting very sick with pneumonia....for the third time in my life. Now, when you get pneumonia, you are more likely to get it again, and I knew that they'd put me on steroids. So sure enough, it got bad enough that the day we were supposed to go see the Blarney Stone, we had to go to an Irish hospital instead. The doctor gave me a prescription for steroids for my lungs, as my right lung "sounded like a mess." It was enough to get me back to the U.S. safely. About a month later, I noticed a small skin-colored bump show up on my upper left arm. At first I thought it was simply a skin-blemish, and it would go away in a week. It did not.
Over time I thought the bump was just a wart, and it proceeded to grow with no coloring or weird shape. I had a cold in June and decided to go to the doctor for cold medicine. Those of you who know me, know that it was a blessing to simply have health insurance to be able to go to the doctor as the entire time I was working at the church (1.5 years) I did not have health insurance. God certainly knew what He was doing, and knew how to prepare me to walk through this trial. Anyhow, while I was in there for my cold, I had the doctor look at the small bump. She didn't seem to think it was anything, thought about freezing it off, but decided we should "biopsy it to be on the safe side." Long story short, I eventually went to have the biopsy done in mid-September. I didn't tell anyone, not because I was trying to be private, but because I truly thought it was nothing. Six days later, I found out it was not nothing. It was cancer.
I cried, and immediately prayed for my spiritual health. You see, prayers for physical health are important, but prayers for my relationship with Christ are far more important. I could be as healthy as can be, but still be in a very tough spot with God - and I did not want to be there. So, I wanted to be as spiritually healthy as can be, and let God workout my physical health as He saw fit. Our quality of life, in my opinion, is directly related to our relationship with Christ (our spiritual health), not as much our physical health - at least, that is what I'm learning as I go along.
One of my favorite Christian songs is Matt Maher's "Hold Us Together" and in it, he says this:
And love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone
In the moments that proceeded that life changing phone call, I had to tell family, friends, bosses, etc. Three of my longtime closest girlfriends cried, and shortly thereafter prayed with me on the phone. My parents were completely shocked, my Mom was choking back tears with an edge of panic. I think at that point I was still wondering if this was really happening, I mean, the doctor would call back and say it was a mistake right? Or I have that one random kind of cancer that's not a big deal, right? No, that didn't happen, it was real, and I had to embrace the journey laid before me.
I thought, I'm sure when my parents brought me home from the hospital when I was born, wrapped in a crocheted pink, green, and white blanket made by my grandma, they had no idea they'd be watching their "little" girl wheeled back into cancer surgery under a hospital blanket years later. I'm sure as they saw me take my first steps and heard my first words, they were not thinking they'd be receiving a phone call on September 25, 2012 to hear the words, "I have cancer." I'm sure as they saw me off to my very first day of school in 1st grade, with high hopes for their only daughter, there was no thought that they'd be seeing me off to surgeries to take away cancerous tumors at my age. Even when I graduated high school, I'm sure they did not think in a million years that they'd be asking about my PET/CT and biopsy test results from a number of choice oncology doctors.
There are plenty of different opinions about this, and I'm certainly no doctor - (and if you are one, pleas feel free to chime in!) but I've been hearing lately as to how steroids can knock your immunity down and make the human body more of a prime target for developing tumors. (I've also heard about this on my online cancer support network, more on that later) Back in February, a girlfriend and I went to Ireland for my 30th birthday and I wound up getting very sick with pneumonia....for the third time in my life. Now, when you get pneumonia, you are more likely to get it again, and I knew that they'd put me on steroids. So sure enough, it got bad enough that the day we were supposed to go see the Blarney Stone, we had to go to an Irish hospital instead. The doctor gave me a prescription for steroids for my lungs, as my right lung "sounded like a mess." It was enough to get me back to the U.S. safely. About a month later, I noticed a small skin-colored bump show up on my upper left arm. At first I thought it was simply a skin-blemish, and it would go away in a week. It did not.
Over time I thought the bump was just a wart, and it proceeded to grow with no coloring or weird shape. I had a cold in June and decided to go to the doctor for cold medicine. Those of you who know me, know that it was a blessing to simply have health insurance to be able to go to the doctor as the entire time I was working at the church (1.5 years) I did not have health insurance. God certainly knew what He was doing, and knew how to prepare me to walk through this trial. Anyhow, while I was in there for my cold, I had the doctor look at the small bump. She didn't seem to think it was anything, thought about freezing it off, but decided we should "biopsy it to be on the safe side." Long story short, I eventually went to have the biopsy done in mid-September. I didn't tell anyone, not because I was trying to be private, but because I truly thought it was nothing. Six days later, I found out it was not nothing. It was cancer.
I cried, and immediately prayed for my spiritual health. You see, prayers for physical health are important, but prayers for my relationship with Christ are far more important. I could be as healthy as can be, but still be in a very tough spot with God - and I did not want to be there. So, I wanted to be as spiritually healthy as can be, and let God workout my physical health as He saw fit. Our quality of life, in my opinion, is directly related to our relationship with Christ (our spiritual health), not as much our physical health - at least, that is what I'm learning as I go along.
One of my favorite Christian songs is Matt Maher's "Hold Us Together" and in it, he says this:
And love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone
In the moments that proceeded that life changing phone call, I had to tell family, friends, bosses, etc. Three of my longtime closest girlfriends cried, and shortly thereafter prayed with me on the phone. My parents were completely shocked, my Mom was choking back tears with an edge of panic. I think at that point I was still wondering if this was really happening, I mean, the doctor would call back and say it was a mistake right? Or I have that one random kind of cancer that's not a big deal, right? No, that didn't happen, it was real, and I had to embrace the journey laid before me.
I thought, I'm sure when my parents brought me home from the hospital when I was born, wrapped in a crocheted pink, green, and white blanket made by my grandma, they had no idea they'd be watching their "little" girl wheeled back into cancer surgery under a hospital blanket years later. I'm sure as they saw me take my first steps and heard my first words, they were not thinking they'd be receiving a phone call on September 25, 2012 to hear the words, "I have cancer." I'm sure as they saw me off to my very first day of school in 1st grade, with high hopes for their only daughter, there was no thought that they'd be seeing me off to surgeries to take away cancerous tumors at my age. Even when I graduated high school, I'm sure they did not think in a million years that they'd be asking about my PET/CT and biopsy test results from a number of choice oncology doctors.
The truth is, we never know what may show up on our journey. We never know when the people we meet or have relationships with will be faced with a challenging trial, but God does. Each day is a gift. It is the people who stick by us, to weather the storm that display God's love to us. God is love. He is our shelter, and with only Him the whole world will know that I am not alone - He just decides to use everyone else as His hands and feet for incredible undeserved blessings that I will never forget. We can be rest assured that God is passionately in the business in giving us more than we can handle, because it is there that we realize we desperately need Him and not our own strength. Nothing else can save us. I would love nothing more than to know (this side of Heaven or not) that God is using this all for His glory, and to bring people to Himself somehow. I'm not a parent, but I can imagine when we hug our children, we love them and want the absolute best for them. God wants that for us too, but our "best" and His best are often at odds. For me, I want God's best, and I recognize sometimes that by having cancer God can make me more like Himself. I worry about things significantly less than I did a year ago, I've learned to trust God with my life. It's always a process, and thankfully one that is not completed until He's ready to call us home. As for now, I'm so thankful to have another day with my parents, another day with my girlfriends, another day with my co-workers and loved ones, another day with my church family, and just another day to be allowed to be God's servant.
...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on
to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. - Philippians 1:6, NIV
No comments:
Post a Comment