First of all, it is impossible to look cute in the "outfits" the hospital gives you for surgery! The baby blue shower cap just isn't my style, ha! Anyhow, I survived. Yesterday was a very long day, I checked in for surgery at 9:45 AM and wasn't able to leave the hospital until 8 PM at night. The first stop was Nuclear Medicine for testing on my lymph nodes. They had to inject me with radioactive dye, then put me through a huge MRI-looking machine to find my lymph nodes. When they inject you with this dye, they say it hurts like a bee sting. What they don't tell you is that it feels like a the sting of a thousand bees. As I looked up at the ceiling going into scan machine, I was praying. Honestly, I was praying mostly for other people, for people who I know need to see how much Jesus loves them. I also just asked for God to be glorified through my own experience. When they were done, I asked the nurse and radiology tech, "Now where do I go to get my deep tissue massage?" Hehe!
I had to wait at Nuclear Medicine for what seemed like eternity for a nurse to come get me from the Operating Room. The cell phone service was terrible at the hospital, so I apologize if there are a host of text messages and emails that I didn't respond to. By this time I was SO hungry, as I hadn't been able to eat since dinner the night before. If I sent you texts about smuggling Chick-Fil-A into the hospital, I apologize. Haha! Once the nurse arrive to take me to the OR, (I was in a wheelchair) they wheeled me down to the OR and as we were passing everyone in the hallways I was beginning to get kind of nervous. "What if it goes badly? What if they find more cancer? What if I don't respond to the anesthesia the way I should?" The What Ifs raced through my mind, and I tried to refocus on my verse for the day:
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. - Psalm 46:10, NIV
The surgeon came in to discuss the procedure, and she said we wouldn't have any results after the surgery. She said the tissue and lymph node biopsy would come back by Friday and then we'd know what we need to do for a course of action. I may need more surgery, but we are not sure just yet. I was stuck a number of times with needles and tubes all day, and had a number of drugs pumped in to me for everything from blood clotting to pain to nausea. I fell into sleep on the operating table and the next thing I knew I was waking up in post-op. They told me they had to put a tube down my throat during surgery to help me breathe, which we didn't anticipate on doing before surgery and unless they told me I wouldn't have known. They had to make two incisions - one to remove the cancer and one to remove three lymph nodes. The surgeon said the lymph nodes were very small, which was a good sign. However, even if ONE cell of cancer has spread to them, then more lymph nodes would have to come out. It only takes one cell of cancer to spread and multiply to your entire body, and the risk is high. So we can pray the lymph nodes that were removed come back clean and no trace of cancer has reached them.
I was pretty groggy when I left the hospital, and super tired. My friend Sarah and her fiance` came over last night to help me and support my family. I ate some soup, kept that down, and then fell asleep. I'm sure nothing I was saying was making sense and served for family entertainment! Right now, I'm incredibly sore, and still kind of tired. I look a little bit like I've been in a gang fight, I have a massive dressing and bandage on my arm that looks kind of gnarly and massive welts where they gave me injections and IVs.
None the less, I know God is still so good. I pray He uses every ounce for His glory and I'm so very thankful for friends, family, and every message of encouragement. I don't take any one prayer for granted. God's love is truly amazing, and I'm thankful it's a love I can never truly understand. A friend of mine posted a message from a pastor on her Facebook page about asking God "why" and I found it so encouraging, as it encouraged me to set aside my own demands on God and lay down my own pride and intellect for the sake of His love.
"It's totally natural to ask "why?" when we are going through the crucible of ache. Why me? Why now? Why him? Why her? Why this? But I've discovered that asking "why?" assumes information has the power to heal. If I just knew why the suffering is happening, we conclude, the pain would be easier to endure. I've learned, however, that information can't mend a wounded heart. We see this in the story of Job. Even if God had told Job why he was suffering, Job still would've had to deal with the loss of his health, family, and wealth. The truth is we may never fully understand why God allows the suffering that devastates our lives. We may never find the right answers to how we'll dig ourselves out. There may not be any silver lining---especially not in the ways we'd like. But we don't need answers as much as we need God's presence in and through the suffering itself. Explanations, I've learned, are often a substitute for trust. For a believer, God's chief concern in your suffering is to be with you and be himself for you. And, in the end, we discover this really is enough." --Tullian Tchividjian
Some may call this blind following, but I believe God has all the answers I don't - and all the answers I will never have. His love for me is true, and His love for me has been proven time and time again. I've seen God's hand answer prayers beyond what anyone could fathom, and resurrect the most lifeless hearts - physically and emotionally. There is hope beyond our own selfish demands to know 'why' things happen, and we are constantly learning to lay down our own intellect to pick up a love that trusts. If someone loves me, I do not ask them 'why do you want to bring me food?' or 'why do you want to hug me?' - I know that it is because they love me. When I was a child, if my parents told me not to touch the stove - I would not do it, and later learned it was for my good, because I would have been burned. Or if my parents said not to do something, there are times when I would not want to hear 'why' but I know it was because they loved me. God's love is perfect, and can be trusted, and it is not necessary to ask Him why. Anyhow, I'm sure I'm rambling by now, maybe because I'm tired and still adjusting to normal food! But in any case, God's love is strong, and He loves me, and you! Thank you for weathering this journey with me, as we aren't in the clear just yet....
I had to wait at Nuclear Medicine for what seemed like eternity for a nurse to come get me from the Operating Room. The cell phone service was terrible at the hospital, so I apologize if there are a host of text messages and emails that I didn't respond to. By this time I was SO hungry, as I hadn't been able to eat since dinner the night before. If I sent you texts about smuggling Chick-Fil-A into the hospital, I apologize. Haha! Once the nurse arrive to take me to the OR, (I was in a wheelchair) they wheeled me down to the OR and as we were passing everyone in the hallways I was beginning to get kind of nervous. "What if it goes badly? What if they find more cancer? What if I don't respond to the anesthesia the way I should?" The What Ifs raced through my mind, and I tried to refocus on my verse for the day:
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. - Psalm 46:10, NIV
The surgeon came in to discuss the procedure, and she said we wouldn't have any results after the surgery. She said the tissue and lymph node biopsy would come back by Friday and then we'd know what we need to do for a course of action. I may need more surgery, but we are not sure just yet. I was stuck a number of times with needles and tubes all day, and had a number of drugs pumped in to me for everything from blood clotting to pain to nausea. I fell into sleep on the operating table and the next thing I knew I was waking up in post-op. They told me they had to put a tube down my throat during surgery to help me breathe, which we didn't anticipate on doing before surgery and unless they told me I wouldn't have known. They had to make two incisions - one to remove the cancer and one to remove three lymph nodes. The surgeon said the lymph nodes were very small, which was a good sign. However, even if ONE cell of cancer has spread to them, then more lymph nodes would have to come out. It only takes one cell of cancer to spread and multiply to your entire body, and the risk is high. So we can pray the lymph nodes that were removed come back clean and no trace of cancer has reached them.
I was pretty groggy when I left the hospital, and super tired. My friend Sarah and her fiance` came over last night to help me and support my family. I ate some soup, kept that down, and then fell asleep. I'm sure nothing I was saying was making sense and served for family entertainment! Right now, I'm incredibly sore, and still kind of tired. I look a little bit like I've been in a gang fight, I have a massive dressing and bandage on my arm that looks kind of gnarly and massive welts where they gave me injections and IVs.
None the less, I know God is still so good. I pray He uses every ounce for His glory and I'm so very thankful for friends, family, and every message of encouragement. I don't take any one prayer for granted. God's love is truly amazing, and I'm thankful it's a love I can never truly understand. A friend of mine posted a message from a pastor on her Facebook page about asking God "why" and I found it so encouraging, as it encouraged me to set aside my own demands on God and lay down my own pride and intellect for the sake of His love.
"It's totally natural to ask "why?" when we are going through the crucible of ache. Why me? Why now? Why him? Why her? Why this? But I've discovered that asking "why?" assumes information has the power to heal. If I just knew why the suffering is happening, we conclude, the pain would be easier to endure. I've learned, however, that information can't mend a wounded heart. We see this in the story of Job. Even if God had told Job why he was suffering, Job still would've had to deal with the loss of his health, family, and wealth. The truth is we may never fully understand why God allows the suffering that devastates our lives. We may never find the right answers to how we'll dig ourselves out. There may not be any silver lining---especially not in the ways we'd like. But we don't need answers as much as we need God's presence in and through the suffering itself. Explanations, I've learned, are often a substitute for trust. For a believer, God's chief concern in your suffering is to be with you and be himself for you. And, in the end, we discover this really is enough." --Tullian Tchividjian
Some may call this blind following, but I believe God has all the answers I don't - and all the answers I will never have. His love for me is true, and His love for me has been proven time and time again. I've seen God's hand answer prayers beyond what anyone could fathom, and resurrect the most lifeless hearts - physically and emotionally. There is hope beyond our own selfish demands to know 'why' things happen, and we are constantly learning to lay down our own intellect to pick up a love that trusts. If someone loves me, I do not ask them 'why do you want to bring me food?' or 'why do you want to hug me?' - I know that it is because they love me. When I was a child, if my parents told me not to touch the stove - I would not do it, and later learned it was for my good, because I would have been burned. Or if my parents said not to do something, there are times when I would not want to hear 'why' but I know it was because they loved me. God's love is perfect, and can be trusted, and it is not necessary to ask Him why. Anyhow, I'm sure I'm rambling by now, maybe because I'm tired and still adjusting to normal food! But in any case, God's love is strong, and He loves me, and you! Thank you for weathering this journey with me, as we aren't in the clear just yet....
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