I'll admit, the last few days have been kind of rough. None the less, I'm being absolutely real with you when I say, God is always so good. When rough times come, He is still there for you and it certainly doesn't mean He loves you less. Honestly, I'm not sure I even know how to start this blog entry....but I will say this.... I don't have to love cancer to know God is using it as a blessing in my life. In fact, I'm certain that I can still hate cancer but love how God is using it in my life. God's specialty is taking our ugliest, most shameful, most hurtful, horrible, unspeakable, sinful, darkest, prideful junk and turning it into something more beautiful than we have ever imagined in our lives. This is my hope, my hope is in God Himself. What keeps me going? It is knowing that I have today to live for Him, I have one more minute, one more breath to love Him. I've had to think about this a lot lately....
Yesterday I found out that a girl I went to college with (she was in a sorority that consistently did socials with mine, and I was familiar with her since I served on Panhellenic Council) died the other night from malignant melanoma - yes, the same exact type of cancer I have. She had been diagnosed at age 12, fought it and won, and then it returned in Spring 2011. She left this world at age 26 after fighting a long battle when it had spread to her lungs and bones. What do you do when you find out someone dies of the same exact illness you are fighting at this very moment? There isn't necessarily a book out there talking about this on Amazon, or a youtube video or any "how to" guide. Needless to say, it was pretty sobering and a little startling to know you can still die from this disease and I'm only one stage short from where she was in her battle. Furthermore, I learned that in the midst of my own fears/struggles, I can't expect for my friends and family to know exactly what to say to me in these moments. I took a minute to stop and realize, this news is equally as challenging for my friends and family to hear as it is me. It's not all about me, and maybe it's not all about them either, but it IS all about Jesus.
My sweet friend Lisa came to visit the last few days as my Mom went home on Wednesday to get some work done. Fortunately, Lisa is a Physician's Assistant and wonderful Godly friend who has made such a strong impact on my life for Christ years ago. I'm sure I asked her hundreds of medical questions, and was so blessed to just talk about who God is and how His hope is everlasting. She has a tendency to say things that stick with me for years, and while she was here she casually mentioned that I have to fight for my hope. I realized how true this is when facing down the pit of fear, pain, hurt, confusion, sickness, and challenge with temptations to give in to self-pity, fear, confusion, pride, loneliness, and bitterness. Jesus Christ is the holder of my hope, and He has fought and conquered death for me to have that hope. I treasure that same hope! We also went on my second walk around the US Capitol building, which was so nice and brought new meaning to "stop and smell the flowers," haha - pictured below.
I'm thankful for beautiful days, I do believe they are gift from the Lord Himself. We are not guaranteed another one, so I've learned to enjoy the ones we get while we have the ability to experience them. For me, I'm seeing everything as a blessing through the lens of cancer. Smiles, laughter, road trips, the ability to put my hair in a pony tail (something I still can't do yet after surgery), running, hugs, and the list could go on and on. You see, I also found out yesterday from my oncologist that I may lose my hair during immunotherapy treatment. I had thought this was not a possibility, but decided to ask the oncologist's office anyhow and they said it was in fact a possibility. Not to mention, a handful of ladies in my online support group DID lose their hair from Interferon immunotherapy treatment. Of course this can raise loads of questions, but before my mind goes racing down dangerous paths of "what ifs" I have to stop and remember Who is in charge.
On another note, I talked to my surgeon this afternoon and she requested to see me tomorrow morning (Friday Nov 16). She asked me a bunch of questions about my pain levels and drainage levels. She explained to me that she had to cut the sensory nerve in my left arm during the surgery in order to get all the lymph nodes out. What does this mean? This means that the nerve damage in my left arm is actually now permanent, not temporary. I nearly cried when I heard this as I had been looking forward to it coming back. Now some of it WILL return, but not all of it, and it will be like that for the rest of my life. Again, I have to grab a hold of God's word and stop the "what if" train before it goes charging out of sight.
Truth is, I'm a 30 year old single lady. I do want to be able to go to full day of a work at a job I'm so blessed to have and enjoy; I want to be able to go have a glass of wine with my girls; I want to go on a jog and ride horses; I want to be able to travel on an airplane without wheelchair assistance (this was advised by my doctors until I'm done with treatment); I want to be able to go on a date; I want to be able to sleep on both sides and roll over if I want to; I want to be able to go two-step dancing with friends; I want to be able to go to church like normal with no drain or tubes attached to me; I want to be able to go a whole 24 hours without any pain meds or drugs; I want to go a full week with no bruises or IVs, I do, I really do. But what I do want more is God's presence. What I want more is for God to be glorified; what I want more is to be more like Jesus Christ; what I want more is for more people to know the freedom and love of Christ; what I want more is to be driven to my knees in prayer to my Holy King; what I want more is see God working in my life in ways I could only dream of; what I want more is for people to want to know God more by seeing His kindness at work in my life and to know He is trustworthy; what I want more is for you to know God and not just believe He exists.
The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. - Psalm 145:13-14, NIV
Sure there are times I get overwhelmed and I have no idea how all of this - treatment, physical therapy, immunotherapy, appointments with handfuls of doctors, surgeries, medications - will all fit in my life. I wonder what on earth it would be like for a Christian man to date a young lady who has cancer, no hair, questionable fertility (depending on if I need chemotherapy treatments), no feeling in part of her left arm, and also a sinner. I'm sure it would be easy for someone to add it up and not think it's "God's best" but to be honest, I don't let Satan win that battle. I'm quickly reminded that God entrusts each of us to each other as a ministry, as a blessing. I don't expect a Christian man to come into my life as my savior, I already have One and He is the best and only Savior. In God's perfect timing, I believe cancer will not prevent me from impacting God's kingdom alongside a husband as a ministry, as partners in ministry. I believe fighting cancer, though a tiresome journey, could only enhance a ministry such as marriage making it that much sweeter and more of a blessing to those who choose to pursue it. I've prayed that I could only be more of a blessing in this capacity for God's glory given what I've learned about God in battling cancer. Our hearts for Christ are often what draws us to each other, and I pray for any young lady walking through cancer that she would know as she presses into Jesus, that her heart only becomes more beautiful and more pleasing to her King.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. - Ecclesiastes 3:11, NIV
No one likes to feel helpless, I certainly don't. But in our fears and helplessness, our minds often charge into the desire to take control. However, through ALL of the trials this week, I'm reminded again - my life is NOT my own. My life belongs to Christ, and when I believe that, I'm free to let go. I'm free to let go of any anxiety or worry that may try to control me. When I try to take control of my life, my anxiety will only get worse. God knows how to handle my life better than I do, and I trust Him with everything I have. No two people are the same, and therefore no two people will handle treatment the same. God knows this, He made us! He knows exactly how I will handle treatment and I know He has prepared me to walk through this trial for His glory alone. You may not be facing treatment, but you are on this journey with me. And we are all one in the body of Christ, so I know this impacts you as it does me. I'm praying you are encouraged this very night with restful sleep and peace knowing our God is in control, sovereign over everything.
Yesterday I found out that a girl I went to college with (she was in a sorority that consistently did socials with mine, and I was familiar with her since I served on Panhellenic Council) died the other night from malignant melanoma - yes, the same exact type of cancer I have. She had been diagnosed at age 12, fought it and won, and then it returned in Spring 2011. She left this world at age 26 after fighting a long battle when it had spread to her lungs and bones. What do you do when you find out someone dies of the same exact illness you are fighting at this very moment? There isn't necessarily a book out there talking about this on Amazon, or a youtube video or any "how to" guide. Needless to say, it was pretty sobering and a little startling to know you can still die from this disease and I'm only one stage short from where she was in her battle. Furthermore, I learned that in the midst of my own fears/struggles, I can't expect for my friends and family to know exactly what to say to me in these moments. I took a minute to stop and realize, this news is equally as challenging for my friends and family to hear as it is me. It's not all about me, and maybe it's not all about them either, but it IS all about Jesus.
My sweet friend Lisa came to visit the last few days as my Mom went home on Wednesday to get some work done. Fortunately, Lisa is a Physician's Assistant and wonderful Godly friend who has made such a strong impact on my life for Christ years ago. I'm sure I asked her hundreds of medical questions, and was so blessed to just talk about who God is and how His hope is everlasting. She has a tendency to say things that stick with me for years, and while she was here she casually mentioned that I have to fight for my hope. I realized how true this is when facing down the pit of fear, pain, hurt, confusion, sickness, and challenge with temptations to give in to self-pity, fear, confusion, pride, loneliness, and bitterness. Jesus Christ is the holder of my hope, and He has fought and conquered death for me to have that hope. I treasure that same hope! We also went on my second walk around the US Capitol building, which was so nice and brought new meaning to "stop and smell the flowers," haha - pictured below.
I'm thankful for beautiful days, I do believe they are gift from the Lord Himself. We are not guaranteed another one, so I've learned to enjoy the ones we get while we have the ability to experience them. For me, I'm seeing everything as a blessing through the lens of cancer. Smiles, laughter, road trips, the ability to put my hair in a pony tail (something I still can't do yet after surgery), running, hugs, and the list could go on and on. You see, I also found out yesterday from my oncologist that I may lose my hair during immunotherapy treatment. I had thought this was not a possibility, but decided to ask the oncologist's office anyhow and they said it was in fact a possibility. Not to mention, a handful of ladies in my online support group DID lose their hair from Interferon immunotherapy treatment. Of course this can raise loads of questions, but before my mind goes racing down dangerous paths of "what ifs" I have to stop and remember Who is in charge.
On another note, I talked to my surgeon this afternoon and she requested to see me tomorrow morning (Friday Nov 16). She asked me a bunch of questions about my pain levels and drainage levels. She explained to me that she had to cut the sensory nerve in my left arm during the surgery in order to get all the lymph nodes out. What does this mean? This means that the nerve damage in my left arm is actually now permanent, not temporary. I nearly cried when I heard this as I had been looking forward to it coming back. Now some of it WILL return, but not all of it, and it will be like that for the rest of my life. Again, I have to grab a hold of God's word and stop the "what if" train before it goes charging out of sight.
Truth is, I'm a 30 year old single lady. I do want to be able to go to full day of a work at a job I'm so blessed to have and enjoy; I want to be able to go have a glass of wine with my girls; I want to go on a jog and ride horses; I want to be able to travel on an airplane without wheelchair assistance (this was advised by my doctors until I'm done with treatment); I want to be able to go on a date; I want to be able to sleep on both sides and roll over if I want to; I want to be able to go two-step dancing with friends; I want to be able to go to church like normal with no drain or tubes attached to me; I want to be able to go a whole 24 hours without any pain meds or drugs; I want to go a full week with no bruises or IVs, I do, I really do. But what I do want more is God's presence. What I want more is for God to be glorified; what I want more is to be more like Jesus Christ; what I want more is for more people to know the freedom and love of Christ; what I want more is to be driven to my knees in prayer to my Holy King; what I want more is see God working in my life in ways I could only dream of; what I want more is for people to want to know God more by seeing His kindness at work in my life and to know He is trustworthy; what I want more is for you to know God and not just believe He exists.
The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. - Psalm 145:13-14, NIV
Sure there are times I get overwhelmed and I have no idea how all of this - treatment, physical therapy, immunotherapy, appointments with handfuls of doctors, surgeries, medications - will all fit in my life. I wonder what on earth it would be like for a Christian man to date a young lady who has cancer, no hair, questionable fertility (depending on if I need chemotherapy treatments), no feeling in part of her left arm, and also a sinner. I'm sure it would be easy for someone to add it up and not think it's "God's best" but to be honest, I don't let Satan win that battle. I'm quickly reminded that God entrusts each of us to each other as a ministry, as a blessing. I don't expect a Christian man to come into my life as my savior, I already have One and He is the best and only Savior. In God's perfect timing, I believe cancer will not prevent me from impacting God's kingdom alongside a husband as a ministry, as partners in ministry. I believe fighting cancer, though a tiresome journey, could only enhance a ministry such as marriage making it that much sweeter and more of a blessing to those who choose to pursue it. I've prayed that I could only be more of a blessing in this capacity for God's glory given what I've learned about God in battling cancer. Our hearts for Christ are often what draws us to each other, and I pray for any young lady walking through cancer that she would know as she presses into Jesus, that her heart only becomes more beautiful and more pleasing to her King.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. - Ecclesiastes 3:11, NIV
No one likes to feel helpless, I certainly don't. But in our fears and helplessness, our minds often charge into the desire to take control. However, through ALL of the trials this week, I'm reminded again - my life is NOT my own. My life belongs to Christ, and when I believe that, I'm free to let go. I'm free to let go of any anxiety or worry that may try to control me. When I try to take control of my life, my anxiety will only get worse. God knows how to handle my life better than I do, and I trust Him with everything I have. No two people are the same, and therefore no two people will handle treatment the same. God knows this, He made us! He knows exactly how I will handle treatment and I know He has prepared me to walk through this trial for His glory alone. You may not be facing treatment, but you are on this journey with me. And we are all one in the body of Christ, so I know this impacts you as it does me. I'm praying you are encouraged this very night with restful sleep and peace knowing our God is in control, sovereign over everything.
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