Breaking Up With Cancer

I'd imagine cancer kind of like a really bad, abusive boyfriend that just won't go away.  You know, the kind that is really awful and you warn all of your girlfriends to stay away from because "he'll just drag you down." It's like cancer just won't accept the break-up as fact and continues to show up in unexpected places, you even find "his" stuff in random places.  You've had an intervention (aka surgery) to get this guy out of your life a number of times, and you both are just so bad for each other.  Your friends even call you up on a consistent basis as a form of accountability to ask you if you've gotten rid of cancer yet, and they ask how you are handling the "break-up" process.  You know if you don't break it off now - for good, and take the steps necessary for cancer to NOT find his way back to you, it could be end of you as we know it.  Basically, I really just need to start seeing someone else other than cancer.  Unfortunately, cancer has a way of finding another person to prey upon and wreaking havoc on a multitude of lives as a result.  I'm breaking up with cancer, it's over, and I'm not even the least bit emotionally attached.  (side note:  ladies, I would not recommend using radiation/chemotherapy as a way to rid yourselves or break-up with a guy in real life!)  Only if it were all that simple!

The last few days have been a challenge to say the least.  I have nerve damage on the back of my left arm and on the underside of my left arm, however the surgeon says it will not be permanent.  She said it would take a number of months for the feeling to return, so I'm hopeful it will return in due time.  Aside from emptying my drain every 8 hours (including at 2 am), the surgeon explained to my Mom that my left arm needs to be massaged every 8 hours also.  Honestly, I wasn't sure if that would make a big impact or not, but praise the Lord....tonight, my friend Sarah and my Mom massaged my left arm and for the first time since surgery, I was able to lift my arm above my shoulder!  I was excited about this small victory!  Of course, I'll be assigned to two more doctors to do physical therapy with me after they remove the drain to help, but these are small steps they told me to do in the meantime.

There have indeed been painful moments.  I won't go into all the gory details, but I've hit my knees a few times from sharp pain.  Without a doubt, taking a shower is a major production but I feel SO much better afterwards.  I'm honestly incredibly grateful for my Mom who has been here to help me through a lot of the not-so-glamorous rehabilitation and recovery moments.  My roommate has been pretty awesome too!  As a side note, please pray for her Mom as well.  Ironically, my roommate's Mom is going through the same exact diagnosis as I am right now, except she is a few months ahead of me in her treatment.  God's hand is truly at work, as I don't believe there are ever coincidences.  My roommate has been surrounded by cancer and has been incredibly gracious, patient, and so compassionate through this entire process.  Such a blessing!  Aside from loving flowers, I also love balloons (and happen to be somewhat of a kid at heart!) and my friend Karen happened to bring this (pictured below) over the day after my surgery, I love it! (Thanks Karen!) So fun!  My biggest complaint at the hospital this last time was why do the adults in the animal costumes only visit the kids?!  I want my picture taken with the furry green frog walking around the hospital too!  How fun is that!?

My Dad and his wife also came to visit me all day on Sunday.  I wish I could have been more fun, but I've been limited to staying inside due to muscle problems and carrying the drain around.  Nancy, my Dad's wife was so kind enough to do my hair while she was here.  She is a great hair stylist and put some highlights in my hair, washed my hair for me, and even gave me a great trim!  I was so grateful!  I had a minor scare, as we thought I was going to have to go back to the hospital on Sunday due to a blood clotting issue.  The muscles across my chest tightened up, especially on the left side, and I had to call around for my surgeon and the on-call resident surgeon.  There were fears it could have been a blood clot since it was restricting my breathing a lot, it hurt to breathe.  However, since the drain was still draining consistently, the surgeon said to take pain meds and rest.  Fortunately, that seemed to work!  I also went for a walk today for the first time since coming home from surgery.  My friend Amy came over to hang out with me and we went for a nice walk up to the U.S. Capitol and back, which was so nice!  It felt GREAT to get out of the house and get some fresh air, not to mention Amy is an awesome walking partner!

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. - 1 Thessalonians 2:8, NIV

I have to confess, I'm blessed beyond any kind of measure (I know, I've said this before).  But I was reflecting on just what a struggle it has been for me to just receive blessings, and to allow people to serve me.  I know there are people that will often say, "If you need anything, please let me know!" And its incredibly sweet, but somehow in the back of my mind I know I would feel bad for taking them up on it.  I know, that may seem prideful to think, "I can figure this out, I mean, surely they didn't really mean it, right?"  Fortunately, a few of my friends have seen straight through this, haha, and have got me at moments where I really need to depend on them or someone to help me out.  The Lord is really showing me how to let others have the joy of serving their sister in the Lord.  For me, I LOVE serving others!  But when it comes to others serving myself, it has been so hard to accept it at times because it has just been so incredibly beautiful and life giving, and a MASSIVE help to me - to the point where I absolutely know I don't deserve it all.  But God is SO very kind.  I just think, "Wow!  God, you are using these people to show your love to me, and it is flat out big, amazing, overwhelming kind of love!" ...and then I remember if this is how loved I feel now, I think about the love poured out for me on the cross - and wow, it's enough to put me on my knees with a poured out heart of thankfulness to our King.  I truly don't deserve it all, not an ounce, but God certainly deserves ALL the glory, every ounce.